Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

If you are resigned to having a dog definitely do not get a springer - and I feel that you think it’s within your gift in this situation to stipulate that?

I have a springer/cocker cross. He is now 5 and I do really love him but it took a lot of time as he was so, so needy and a huge amount of work. He is still super needy, and follows me absolutely everywhere, lies on my feet when I am cooking 🤣, this used to piss me off no end but I love it now. I am his human 100% because I have always been the one to do the most amount with him.

But he was such hard work in the beginning, my kids were 5+7, I had to juggle the whole school run/clubs/doggy daycare etc and do all the training/walking. I felt completely overwhelmed for at least 4/5 months and it was hard for 18 months.

If I have another I would choose an easier breed, shorter coat, smaller dog. Family members have a mini schnauzer, I encouraged them to get this breed, he is lovely but barky. Another family member has a mini dachshund, cute, naughty! Barky and high energy but small! I guess I’m saying actually size doesn’t matter - totally contradicting myself - it’s all about temperament.

If you are determined to accept this you may end up enjoying it? It sounds like you are already dreading it as much as you possibly could when it becomes a reality. Does your husband understand that the likelihood is that this dog will become your dog by virtue of you doing the hard graft? You will be it’s human, does that fit with his desire to have this dog?

Yes I suppose school summer holidays would make sense actually. I only need a couple of hours for the gym. It’s just the reading on here seems to suggest you basically need to be with the dog most of the day. If I am going to leave it for 4 hours or so for after school activities I assume I will need to be with it most of the school day.

I like the fact that cats will let you fuss them but are aloof and independent and basically the opposite of needy as long as you feed them and give them the occasional treat. I also like the fact that you can go out all day.

It doesn’t feel cruel to me to have a cat. She comes and goes as she pleases with her cat flap. A dog is reliant on you to give up your time so they can be exercised and stimulated. A cat is capable of getting on with their life on their own. I think in essence a cat is an adult you share a house with and a dog is a child you have to look after.

Arrietty, yes I think I will have to stipulate that. If he wants a springer he will either have to change our whole lives so he is part time and I am full time including moving house as we will not be able to afford our mortgage, or he waits for retirement.

I think we are looking at in a year’s time or so anyway. Maybe I can drag that out a bit.

Small dogs are just as much work as bigger dogs. They still need walks etc. Small dogs tend to bark/yap more and are more snappy.

Some dogs can be left for a while but you do need to build that up from a puppy.

Mine is left for around 3 hours then another 1 hour later in the day, sometimes a bit more. He doesn't tolerate any longer and I know that because I watch him on a camera. He isn't destructive but I can see any longer he starts to be restless and anxious for us to come home.

Some dogs can be left longer than mine but some can't and are destructive or vocal as shown on some threads on here. The obvious backup for that is to checkout dog daycare or anyone that would be happy to dogsit if you do end up with an anxious dog. We pay someone to sit with ours if we go out for dinner because we know he won't settle at night on his own whereas he is fine in the morning.

Have you thought about a Cairn terrier?
They're not too big and from what I remember, they're quite independent and less needy of affection than other breeds. My Nan had them for years, they loved to play ball when in the mood, and are quite active, but they aren't overly cuddly dogs.

I think posters are trying to put you off actually getting a dog by giving you the very worst scenarios.

If you ignore a dog it will leave you alone. They are creatures of habit. If they come to you for fuss and you ignore them they won’t keep coming. That’s the way dogs work and why they are so trainable. Having said that, some breeds are much easier to train than others. For example beagles and dachshunds are notoriously difficult.

I'd be looking at a retired greyhound, if you must get a dog.

They're relatively cat like in temperament, aren't keen on bad weather, and are sprinters not endurance athletes ("40 mph couch potatoes") so walks can be relatively short so long as they have the opportunity to run. They've spent a lot of time alone in kennels so can usually cope with being left.

They do require use of a sofa and you'll have to be vigilant about leaving food on counters as they're big enough to counter surf. Fences usually need to be 6' high as they are capable of jumping a surprising height from a standing start.

BUT you'd need to find one that was cat friendly. They do exist, but you'd need to be certain that it had been thoroughly cat tested (ideally in a foster home) as they can be prey driven and are fast enough to actually catch a cat (or squirrel).

If a dog is considered essential then your husband must compromise on breed and ideally age - he can't have everything his own way when he's not going to be doing 100% of the work.

With regards to the gym - what do you actually do at the gym? If it's running you can take the dog out; if it's spin class take the dog out cycling. Someone even invented doga... But maybe I'm missing the point about the gym - I've never been to one in my life.

Weight training . With actual personal trainers. Only exercise I have ever found that actually means I don’t end up super thin. I have a ridiculously high metabolism and cardio alone really doesn’t work for me.

Train the dog to lie still while you bench press it

Well I would be saying that you would need to factor in the cost of a personal trainer coming to your home whilst the puppy cannot be left for that long a time.

Isn't that part of the compromise? This is what you do now and until a dog can be left alone then he needs to facilitate that happening. If he can't be at home then it will require money to enable it. If you don't have the money then it isn't the right time for a puppy.

I am sorry, and I know you want suggestions for how to manage this rather than not do it - but - if you don't like neediness and you struggled with toddler years I think you are going to really struggle with having a dog.

I said previously that my dog is fine to be left for a few hours and that if you ignore him, after a while he'll curl up to sleep - but - if I am at home he does follow me round getting under my feet, and when I arrive home laden with shopping he'll come bounding down the hallway to greet me and if I'm tired it is frankly annoying. I love him very much but he can get on my nerves at times. And I am a generally relaxed kind of person who loved being mom to a toddler .

I think you are being so realistic here about your likes / dislikes / limitations and it's such a shame for you and for the dog (if you get it) as this isn't going to be a happy situation.

I would also think about the impact on your kids because I don't think they are going to have the happy recollections of growing up with a dog that your DH did; instead they will be aware of a mom who is stressed and unhappy. Children can feel these things even if you try to hide it. I'm also not convinced your DH is going to put in the training required to ensure that the dog and your DC are safe together. You would also need to be involved with training to keep things consistent for your dog.

I definitely think you should look to borrow your BILs dog, for at least two weeks of normal work / school activities and then remember that any problems that come up will not be 'easier when we have a dog of our own' but harder.

You mention your DH's family and I was wondering how close they live, do his parents still work and would they be able to help out at all?

OP I don't think you would end up with a dog that bites as you are a year away from getting a dog and you are already weighing up key considerations! Yes puppies do nip, but they quickly learn not to provided you tell them.
Time wise mine can be left for up to 4 hours in the morning and be absolutely fine but it does weirdly lessen as the day goes on. We keep ddog in one room when we go out to lessen the anxiety of an empty house. I also go to the gym x 3 per week, it is possible!!!

I agree that my fitness actually went down in the first year of having a dog- instead of going out running (well, slow jogging) I was limited to irritating walks at snuffle-speed, all the time trying to train the damn beast not to haul on the lead.

I am a crap dog trainer.

However, four years in, I have a dog who has a feed and a pee, goes back to bed and lies around most of the morning, and comes for a run at lunchtime. Yes, it’s maddening to have to think, ‘oh bugger, what about the dog?’ whenever we go out in the evening or all day, so your DH is going to need to look into dog sitters, and that adds up quite quickly.

Can I suggest you start a saving fund now and see if he can put into it enough to cover:
Daycare
Insurance
Food (may be obvious but big dogs eat a LOT more than small ones)
Flea/worm treatment
Training classes

Save that up for a year and then review whether you can afford a dog. No, those aren’t optional extras.

Incidentally, despite the insurance, our dog cost us over £1000 in vet bills last year (several separate incidents with an excess on each).

Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would.

What strikes me is your absolute commitment to decisions you made - in the abstract - two decades ago. Surely like doesn’t work like this? We reassess decisions in the face of experience. A friend of mine was always adamant that she wanted three kids; after the second, with the full knowledge of how things actually were, she changed her mind and decided two would be better. Has she unforgivably reneged on a commitment....or made a sensible decision based on reality which suits her family better? Equally, my DH always wanted to move to the Cornwall and the “deal” was we would do that. But he knows that the kids and I wouldn’t be happy to do that, so he’s reassessed and now we go on a lot of holidays there. Those sort of “life decisions” aren’t future proof. Sit down and discuss how you really feel about this dog, discuss all the work and how he (not you) can do it. And then come to a joint decision in the here and now.

Good questions Natalia. I’m not sure what I think to be honest. Is your DH actually ok with not moving to Cornwall? Is your friend’s DH ok with not having the third child?

I have a friend who always thought she would have two children. Her husband then changed his mind. She will never have her second child, her child will never have the sibling he wants. I can’t see how that is fair.

Go to Discover Dogs to check out different breeds: www.discoverdogs.org.uk

It’s fairer than a child having a parent who resents it, I’d say.

Have you considered whether it’s fair to your hypothetical dog to have its main career resent it?

DisorganisedOrganiser I can’t speak definitively for my friend, but I think she and her husband are both on board and happy with sticking at two. They both make jokes along the lines of “can you imagine two of DD2?”; seem pretty happy together etc. My DH? We’ve talked about it recently (I brought it up). His view is that he knows the DC and I don’t want to do that, so that’s changed his wanting to do it (if that makes sense), as he doesn’t want to make the family unhappy (and we are happy as things stand). We go on holiday to the West Country a lot and that’s made a big difference to him, as he feels he gets his “fix”. So, yes, I’d say he’s genuinely fine with the way things have turned out.

I agree, it seems odd you are so determined to stick to something you half promised ( and it was a half promise, you didn't sign a contract or have it in your wedding vows,did you?) many years ago. Next time your dh talks about getting a dog just saw you will only think about it once he's borrowed a dog for at least a week and joined up to Borrow my Dog,then leave it at that,I bet it doesn't go any further.

Sorry, posted too soon! Re your friend and her second child - that’s tough on her if that’s something she wants, but don’t you think her DH has the right to change his mind if, say, he’s found the actuality of being a parent miserable? Or if his circumstances have changed and he now no longer feels it’s financially viable? I think “fairness” doesn’t really apply in the way you imply in these situations. When they involve others (or caring for others), they need to be assessed carefully in the here and now. I think so, anyway!

Of course the actuality of being a parent is miserable! At times, anyway the toddler years. Most people realise that after their first but have a second or more. But you suck it up and get on with it in the hope that some parts of it are truly amazing, which they are. Or you do it for the person who built their life around the idea of children, pets etc. Putting serious injury etc aside when of course you reassess.

Bloody hell. Show him what you've written here!
This is not the same as changing your mind on having kids. It's a bloody dog. He can get one when he's retired and he can do all the care.
A dog isn't a necessity. He can go volunteer at a dog shelter. He's making your life much harder for something you don't want at all. This will greatly restrict your life.
Honestly don't martyr yourself.

I have suggested a shelter and all those similar ideas and he says he doesn’t want that, he wants to actually have a dog.

Or you do it for the person who built their life around the idea of children, pets etc. Putting serious injury etc aside

Do you? I certainly wouldn't