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The doghouse

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Husband wants rid of my dog

192 replies

Morgan065 · 19/02/2019 05:46

Before I met my husband I adopted a dog who became my world. He's my baby and I wouldn't be without him. Four years on, I met someone with whom I fell in love with. At first he seemed to be ok with my dog. Then we got married, my dog and I moved in to his home and things seemed lovely and balanced. My husband helped walk the dog while I was at work and in return I tried to balance my giving of love and attention between them ensuring harmony in this triad relationship. Two years on, my husband became agitated and complained about the size of my dog, that he's too big for the house and his house has become a kennel. My dog being a greyhound is big yet the most gentle and we'll behaved one that sleeps most of the day. He doesn't bark and makes no demands. His paws get washed each time he is brought into the house especially on muddy days and has baths when necessary. My husband claims that he's tried it with the dog for 2 years and he can no longer carry on living with it. He's suggested getting someone else to look after him as he can no longer tolerate him in his small house. It has caused a lot of arguments that I tried to leave with my dog a couple of times. He promised to try harder but in one heated argument (about the dog, of course) he only said to try harder to stop me from going. I'm adamant in keeping my dog as in my eyes he's done nothing wrong. He accused me of choosing my dog over him yet he knew I had a dog before we met. I explained to him that my dog is not just a dog but like a child with whom I developed a deep bond with. I asked him how it would be like for me if I was forced to give my dog away. His response was "You'll be upset but you'll get over it in time". I found his response very cold and calous. So, before I make a final decision on my marriage , I ask everyone, am I missing something? Please help.

OP posts:
GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 19/02/2019 10:35

Greys are about as easygoing as dogs get fgs. Gorgeous beasties.
Seriously he's a selfish jealous twat. Agree that anyone who asked me to give up my dog, who was there first, and who didn't see the love bond and commitment would not be someone I could respect or love.
Shelters and rescues are full to bursting. High chance your dog would be PTS or left stressed and unhappy in gross kennels if no home can be found. That's no way to reward a beautiful, trusting creature for years of love. He doesn't give a damn about your dog and that's not my kind of person.

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 19/02/2019 10:40

He is stuck with a dog in his home that he does not like

He should have considered that before marrying someone with a dog. Dogs do not live forever. OP has had it for around 6 years and it is a rescue, so at least 8 in reality. Whilst they can agree that they won't get another dog, if he wants his marriage to last, he needs to find a compromise position for the next 4 years or so.

E.g. dog not allowed on furniture, not allowed in bedroom etc. Not just threaten her. If he cannot compromise on the dog, the marriage is dead.

outreach29 · 19/02/2019 10:42

You are missing something OP - your 'D'H is a dick.

Sorry Flowers

WhoWants2Know · 19/02/2019 10:45

I think if you tried to empathise your husband and rehomed your dog, a part of you would never get over it.

When we lose a beloved pet, we do move on with our lives, but some part of us still grieves like we do for any loved one.

And ultimately your grief would be forever tied up with the knowledge that your husband is the reason for your grief.

Would your marriage survive that? If not then you may as well keep the dog, because the marriage isn't viable.

jay55 · 19/02/2019 10:50

You'd always resent him if you revoked your dog. And agree with others your husband would be on to the next thing you need to change, until there is no you left.

FetchezLaVache · 19/02/2019 10:55

How does that meme go? "My husband said it was him or the dog. God, I'll miss that man."

I agree, the dog is a red herring - your husband is trying to manipulate you into parting with a creature you clearly adore and I can't help but wonder whether he's just trying to see how much control he has over you.

Morgan065 · 19/02/2019 12:23

Thank you all for your thoughts. My dog is nearly 9 years of age. I adopted him when he was 2 years old. Some of you asked what exactly is causing my husband's agitation about the dog. His main complaints are his size and hairs. My dog was full grown when we were dating so it's not like he suddenly expanded in size after we moved in in my husband's house. Dogs in general shed hairs but not so much with greys as they have very thin coat. I keep the house vacuumed up daily especially where my dog's bed is. But once a day is not enough for my husband. It became apparent later that he's developed an OCD on my dog's hair hence his claim of his living room becoming a kennel. I dust around the room with a damp cloth at least 4x a week to make sure there are no lingering hairs anywhere.
My dog's bed is kept under the stairs which is set back from the living room. Most of the times he's tucked away while he sleeps. He's not allowed on the sofa or upstairs and he's happy just being on his bed during the day. Someone here said a compromise is needed. Before I met my husband my dog slept with me and he was allowed on my sofa. When I got married we made a lot of adjustments such as he sleeps on his doggy bed and not allowed on the sofa. We no longer play fight just to minimise dog sheds on the carpet. My dog and I adapted to the new routine eventually. Then my husband asked that I should have my dog stay at a friend's for at least 3-4 days a week. I said no and compromised to having the dog away at weekends. Even when my dog is in the house during the week, my husband and I spend quality time together cuddling on the sofa, watch a film together, share a glass or 2. My dog leaves us alone as he's never a needy one. On a couple of occasions I agreed to going away with my husband for 3-4 weeks leaving my dog with my friend (never in a kennel) On the day prior to picking up my dog home my husband would say that the return the dog in the house causes him stress and anxiety. The reason? Hairs and his size. Each occasion end up a full blown argument and I give in leaving my dog at a friend's 2 days longer than necessary. I hate bringing him back to a house where he's not welcome. I do realise that if I was to choose my husband which I won't, I'd resent him for what he forced me to do and I know that the marriage is doomed anyway moving forward. He feeds me with rhetoric such as 'my friends say I won't choose a dog over my husband', 'I am your husband, doesn't that mean anything to you?', 'your bond with that dog is very odd', etc.

Someone here said that she'd choose her husband over anyone or anything (except her toddler). I wish I can be as objective as that but the thing is my dog is not a commodity that I can just cast away when and he's become an inconvenience. In my heart he is equivalent to your toddler. The unconditional love my dog gives me is something that I treasure. He makes no demands and he's happy just being with me. Unlike my husband's love which I think is conditional.

Now my husband demands that I make a decision about the dog and our marriage and do something about it. Thank you everyone for the insights. I basically know what to do but I needed to hear unbiased opinions so I can make a reasonable decision.

OP posts:
Jenb2104 · 19/02/2019 12:25

If you're going to get rid of anything, please let it be your horrible husband, not your poor dog!

showerpower · 19/02/2019 12:29

This isn't about the dog, it's about control

Soubriquet · 19/02/2019 12:29

It’s nice to see someone taking in everything that has said, and then carefully considering everything as well. With no illusions about her husband being a “nice man” (always said)

Whatever you choose to do, it is your choice. But I do hope you kick him to the kerb and go into the sunset just you and your dog

Sarahlou63 · 19/02/2019 12:32

Easy decision, ditch the husband and get another dog.

FetchezLaVache · 19/02/2019 12:36

From your update, I am now 100% sure it's control. The whole sending the dog away to your friend's several days a week was just testing the water. I don't think he sounds like a nice man (but your dog sounds amazing!).

Meandmetoo · 19/02/2019 12:38

I also hope you free yourself of this dickhead. As pp said this isn't about the dog.

If you did get rid of the dog the next thing will be "oh you don't need to go to your friends/go out, you've got meeeeeee".

He doesn't sound like a pleasant individual at all. It would be interesting to know what your friends think about this.

AlphaApple · 19/02/2019 12:42

#teamdog

I suspect if you post a picture of your dog you would have even more people supporting you

BlodwynBludd · 19/02/2019 12:47

My dh came as a package with his dog and I with mine. I saw it as blending families and made sure that they got in before moving in together. Dogs are family, they don't understand rejection of their unconditional love. Your dh is cruel. Please pick your gorgeous greyhound.

FaceLikeAPairOfTits · 19/02/2019 12:47

The 'triad relationship' thing is weird, as is thinking a dog is the equivalent of a child.

That said, your DH knew you had a dog, and (presumably) had a say in both of you moving into his tiny house. If he can no longer accept the situation it's up to him to end the marriage, instead of constantly chipping away at you.

reallyanotherone · 19/02/2019 12:56

With people like this I don’t think comparing pets to babies helps.

I love animals. However they are pets. Not children. Mine have absolutely everything they need, but they are treated like dogs/cats.

However when i took them on I took in the responsibility for them, for their lifetimes. My dh knew i was an animal person when he met me, i had cats, and was open about the fact if i had time and space i would fill it with everything from chickens to goats.

In your case, o/p, i’d move out with my dog. Not because I love the dog more but because the dog is my responsibility. He knows that, so he has to live with it for the dogs lifetime.

Do you think part of the issue is you’ve moved into his house? If you got your own place do you think he would find it easier?

Long term will you want another dog or pet? What are his feelings on that? Can you live without one? Children- how do they fit in, bearing in mind they are far worse in terms of mess and destruction. If he has some level of OCD it can be very hard to live with..

KateGrey · 19/02/2019 13:01

From your update your dh sounds even worse. You and your ddog have had to rearrange most of your life to accommodate this man.

For what it’s worth my dh isn’t a huge fan of dogs. He doesn’t enjoy the commitment but our dc (two have Sen) really wanted a dog and from speaking to people who work with them agreed it could be beneficial. We now have a dog who is wonderful. Even my husband has come round to her. Your dh’s attitude is unpleasant. Your poor dog and you don’t seem to be able to do anything. And have seemingly walk on egg shells missing things like play because it bothers the boss of the house. He sounds controlling. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of concessions and he’s still not happy. I know some people don’t get the dog between an owner and a dog but it’s very special. I’d be considering leaving or at the very least moving out.

lettymoo · 19/02/2019 13:02

I can bet that if you parted with the dog, there'd be something else which had to go next - possibly your friends. This guy really doesn't sound right. It's all far too controlling, you're tiptoeing around him and he's putting you in a position where you have to make a choice about parting with an animal who needs you, loves and trusts you and which you have a responsibility for. It doesn't sound like he could give a toss about the effect it would have on your poor dog. Whether people like animals or not, I'm sure most here will agree that this is very cruel and controlling behaviour. You've already made changes in what the animal is allowed to do to give him less reason to be upset by the dog's presence, I think it's time for the man to go. This is a massive red flag.

FraggleRocking · 19/02/2019 13:09

I originally suggested that it seemed hasty to end a marriage without trying to resolve it but from your update it sounds like you’ve made huge compromises already and he is just chipping away at you. What an awful situation. Keep your lovely dog. Ditch your terrible husband.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/02/2019 13:14

he's developed an OCD on my dog's hair
Then he needs to go see a therapist.

Your DH is a manipulative bastard. The dog was there first, you've made huge compromises already. A PP summed it up perfectly, he's perfectly willing to break your heart. I couldn't be with someone who was perfectly happy to do that.

MonoClue · 19/02/2019 13:14

Your husband is an utter twat.
Enjoy your lovely dog.get rid of the twat.

Nat6999 · 19/02/2019 13:26

I would get a very nice central heated luxury kennel in the garden for your husband to move in to & the next time he suggests getting rid of your beloved greyhound, find an adoption agency for your husband. You both came as a package, just as you would have done if you already had a child, if he can't love you both then he doesn't love you at all.

tabulahrasa · 19/02/2019 13:32

So he wants you to rehome an elderly dog... for being the size it was when he met you and having the same fur it also had when he met you?...

There’s so much wrong with that tbh.

If a dog is a dealbreaker, it should be a dealbreaker when he discovered you had a dog, not after you’re married - nice normal people don’t marry someone then try to manipulate them into changing their lifestyle for them.

It’s also all kinds of wrong that he is ok with making you miserable when the benefit to him is negligible (the things he’s bothered about about the dog aren’t exactly serious issues).

And I’d be pretty concerned if I found myself married to someone who could be so callous and cold hearted about the fate of an elderly dog that he’s known for that long.

My DP isn’t naturally a pet person, but he’s never pressured me to get rid of one.

missbattenburg · 19/02/2019 13:36

Yeah, your update makes your husband sound like a total weirdo who has fixated on the dog (incorrectly, I suspect) as the source of all his ills.