Need to rehome our dog but DH won't listen.

[BangPippleGo]

Bit long, apologies.

DH and I were always both dog lovers. We fostered a yorkie from a family friend whose relative had passed away - it was only supposed to be a short term solution but 4 years later and the dog is still with us and was legally transferred to us about 3 years ago.

I love the dog, I really do. But I cannot cope with him anymore and as I'm the one at home with our DS(18mo, adopted 6mo ago) it is really affecting me.

I told DH three months ago that I really wanted to rehome him, and DH was against it. So i told him that's fine but from now on it is HIS dog and he needs to care for him. I still pay his pet insurance and vet membership but told DH i was no longer sorting vet appointments, arranging for the groomer, or taking dog for walks. DH is to make sure dog is fed before work in the morning and I will feed him throughout the day if he is still hungry.

DH has not walked the dog once since January (so I take him out a few evenings a week despite saying it's not my responsibility). I cannot walk him with DS because any time we stop (at the park or for DS to catch up because he's toddling) the dog goes crazy because he hates standing still. He does stealth poos in the garden which I don't notice until DS trampled it through the house on a daily basis. He urinates in the house if left alone for half an hour.

DH has missed the booster vaccinations and so will need to pay for a whole round of vaccs plus boosters he has horrid oral health that DH is not looking after. The dog groomer hasn't been since January and the dog is hot and scruffy.

I love the dog to bits and it breaks my heart but my DH is not looking after him and he needs to be in a quiet home, not one with a toddler running round shouting all the time. We were told he was 14 when we agreed to take him in permanently - turns out he was 8, so a much bigger commitment to what we were expecting.

DH thinks if he rehome him now he will just be put down and thinks I am cruel for suggesting such a thing. I think my DH is neglecting the dog and he deserves better.

How the fuck can I convince him that I'm not being cruel?!

Do not do not do not rehome the dog via social media. I deal with the fall out from that all the time and it is seriously depressing where dogs will end up.

11 in yorkie terms is almost middle age, they go on for ever. Give him to a good rescue that will give him a dental etc and he will fly out into a new home. We have rehome 16 year old yorkies before now!

You sound as though you have enough on your plate - and need to have a serious talk with your husband about how you are feeling. If he cannot get his head round this and help then let the dog find a new home. It is entirely possible to manage this situation but not if you're struggling to do it all yourself.

National animal welfare trust are brilliant and have centres that specialise in older dogs. Or blue Cross or yorkie rescue etc etc. I hope you can find a resolution that suits you all

Yorkie shits are small and may be hard to spot.
Good point.

Also why are people now assuming op just leaves the toddler and dog alone together in the garden? Op said the dog can come and go. From what op said she is following toddler around, so toddler might play in garden for a while then toddle back into house and play inside for a while then toddle back out again and because when toddler is inside she is with him, she doesn't see if dog pops in the garden, so when they go back outside she has got to check again and whilst she is checking gatden (which for all we know could be very large) toddler can step in some dog shit and toddle back into house and thus dog shit has entered the house without op leaving the toddler unattended.

Our vets regularly rehome elderly animals. They know who has just lost a dog/cat and sometimes can match people with pets. I went in with one elderly cat once, and came out with two - was admiring the handsome cat in the back cages and vet came over and said that this lovely cat needed a home. It turned out that they'd actually rehomed the same cat twice before - one previous owner had died and the other was unable to keep him. My vet's attitude was - take the animal and let's see if it works out, and if it doesn't, you're effectively fostering him for a while until we find the right home. I think that no-stress attitude really helps the surgery to rehome animals.

It's difficult to rehome dogs but I actually think an 11 year old Yorker has a pretty good chance, more than an 11 year old staffie, that's for sure. He could be a good companion for someone who wants a small dog or is elderly themselves and couldn't cope with a younger, bigger dog.

Get in touch with the Oldies Club. That's their area of expertise and they may be able to help. Get in touch with any small, local rescues (not the big, national ones). Explain the situation, say that you can keep the dog with you for now but could they contact you if they get anyone suitable.

Your mental health is the most important thing. You simply have to tell your DH that you are not coping, don't want to cope with the extra stress and worry of this dog when you have your hands full, mentally and physically. It's not fair on you and not fair on the dog. You are meeting the dog's physical needs (with difficulty) but it sounds like the dog would prefer a quieter home anyway.

Another case where posters are just piling in to kick someone when they’re down. Really shocked by the unkindness of people on here who are claiming that the OP is being unkind to the dog! Maybe they should reflect on their own treatment of another human being!

I don’t see anywhere here that suggests the dog is not having his needs met or having a bad life! The dog has access to a garden most of the day, is walked, fed, groomed, has someone aware of where he’s at on his vaccination schedule...what more do people expect?? This has me reflecting on my own dog’s life that I thought was decent! She lounges around in the kitchen with the back door open all day long and gets out for walks, gets a bath once a month or so - what more does a dog need??

Sending best wishes OP. Toddlers are hard work physically and emotionally. Do what you need to do to preserve your own mental health and family balance.

You could also call The Cinnamon Trust. Their main point is to get volunteer walkers for older people with dogs so they don't have to be rehomed. BUT they also match dogs with people when owner has died or can't manage. I know you're not elderly but they may just have someone who's looking for a small, older dog. Worth a try, anyway.

And for anyone who says get a grip to a person struggling from depression, just please Fuck Off.

People who have so little empathy for another loving thing just amaze me. That dog depends on you for everything, he sounds like he has a miserable life.

I think he's too old to be rehomed, you just need to take a good look at how you treat him. Poor thing.

It really doesn't sound like he has a miserable life at all. But it helps to spin it that way when you want to make someone feel even more awful than they did when they posted on here for help, I suppose... 🤷‍♀️

spun do you see the irony in your first sentence?

do they have attachment issues? We're you eased into parenting with small tiny babies who slept lots at the start so we're pretty portable rather than being thrown in at the deep end with a toddler with additional needs who needs an entirely different way of parenting

Answer yes and no neither of them slept during the day or for long during the night. And no they weren't portable babies or toddlers. I carried and bf dd till she was 3. One has ADHD and dd has ADD.

The dog is not miserable! He is not at all to old to be rehomed 11 is middle age for a Yorkie!

Ha! Very good. Maybe i do have little empathy for OP as I myself had an 18 month old and two yorkies at one point and I coped just fine.

Spun do you want a medal for coping? She has fucking post adoption depression and a child with attachment issues and additional needs. Well done you for coping, so you don't have any empathy for people who don't cope as well? What a gem you are.

One-upmanship again. It doesn't make you a better person spun. I have raised 2 pups during my 2 DC's early years. So what? That doesn't change the fact that op is not coping, has depression and a useless partner. She is meeting the dogs needs. She deserves empathy.

as I myself had an 18 month old and two yorkies at one point and I coped just fine.

Cool story bro

nottakenusername 😂

NotTakenUsername 😂😂😂😂

When I was very depressed the thing I found most helpful was a big gang of strangers piling in on me calling me a neglectful monster. Really helped me to get a grip. Well done gang!

Where is the husband in all if this? Is he even helping out with the toddler never mind the dog. Why isnt he looking after his own child so the op can at least take the dog for a dental.

@spunbodgesquarepants
Did you adopt those children with additional needs? Were you depressed? 😏
Just because you "managed" doesn't mean everyone else does.

OP you are being unfairly judged. I was in your position once. I adopted my son when he was 2 years old. I had a nine month old dog. Anyone who thinks an 18 month old adopted child has the same needs as an 18 month old own child knows nothing!

Your dc has lived with you for 6 months. The honeymoon period is over.... Now his (I apologise if dc is a girl I can't scroll up to check) behaviour is becoming more challenging as he will test you. Throw a needy dog into the mix and I can understand why you're at breaking point.

I'll be honest wouldn't have coped if my DH hadn't come on board when I was at my lowest point. I'm trying to think of ways to be fair to you all. The first that springs to mind is the dog doesn't need to be bathed weekly. Scrap that to start with.

What about -
Morning - Let dog out the garden whilst you give dc breakfast and get dressed.
Clean up Poo and feed dog
Take dc in (buggy) and dog for a 20 minute walk
Dog should then sleep for a while
Play with dc and do housework
Lunch
Take DC out for his amble. Leave dog home. Put newspaper down where he usually wees ( much easier to clean it)
Get on with your usual things until DH returns home
Tell DH he has a choice either take the dog for a walk or look after dc while you take dog out. Another 20 minute walk will be fine
An 11 year old yorkie shouldn't need much more than that.

Try to make life easier for yourself. You have hit a rough patch and can't think straight.

Dog is being looked after. Your dc's needs are more important. Dog is fine. He just needs some structure to his day. If DH won't take dog for his vet apnts he will have to care for dc while you take him.

Wishing you all the best OP

I never vilified OP for grooming herself, I said it is not acceptable for the dog to be left hot and uncomfortable when clippers are available on Amazon for less than £20 because it's not, not under any circumstances. I mean, I guess if OP needed a few weeks to save £20 or had just undergone surgery and couldn't get down to the dog for a few weeks, that would be understandable but depression is not.OP says herself the dog needs grooming and is hot, she later went on to say he gets weekly trims. Clearly, the weekly trims are not enough if the dog is still hot and scruffy, so why hasn't she bought clippers or texted the dog groomer or contacted rehoming centers or the vet? Her husband is not going to, so someone has to and OP seems to be the one who feels the most for the dog.

The dog already has poor dental health and its teeth are no longer being cared for if it is not in pain already (and I've never heard of a dental problem that can be ignored for 5 or 6 months and not cause pain) he will be soon. Why hasn't OP addressed this instead of allowing it to get worse? Again her husband should be doing it but he appears not to care at all about the dog, so it is up to OP. She needs to either take him to the vet to have his teeth checked, find a rescue place for him or have him pts before he ends up with an abscess or gum infection.

Yorkies do suffer a lot with matted feces around the anus. Their coat needs to be clipped around the bottom to combat this, scissors and weekly baths are not enough to prevent this. OP's DH doesn't care enough about the dog to tackle this, so OP needs to either by clipping the dog, taking it to the groomers, rehoming it or putting it to sleep if none of the other options are workable for her.

I never said she was a monster. Ending a dog's life because it is not having its needs met and there are no other options does not make one a monster.

I admit to being blunt. I was hoping the truth might spur OP into taking action or the reality of her being the dog's only chance of life (because no matter what people like to believe there is not a myriad of homes for elderly dogs with health problems) might make picking up poo and cleaning the floor more palatable or might push her into ignoring her useless H and contacting local rescues.

Anyway, I'm out. I can't abide people who tolerate neglect and cruelty because humans are more important (I never said they weren't, btw) and I'm facing loosing my own dog whom I love dearly because I am no longer in a position to meet his needs so this thread is touching a nerve. I couldn't fathom letting my dog suffer or neglecting his needs for any reason.

Presumably the 'get a grip' parade would say the same to someone who developed a physical health issue that prevented them walking the dog everyday...

Or maybe not.

OP, rehome and let go of the guilt. As those of us who have adopted or fostered traumatised children know, it is like being hit by a bus on a daily basis. Nothing can really prepare you. I struggled to cope with a hamster at the same time as DD. I hate to admit what I fed DD some evenings, and I went to bed at the same time as her (she was 5...)

Your priority now is looking after yourself and your child. Most experienced adoption SWs will seriously discuss being willing to rehome pets if necessary before you even get approved to adopt. It's not just in case the pet is dangerous to the child, but because traumatised children can be a danger to pets, as well as being completely exhausting to parent.

God, the ridiculous dog-nutters on this thread....! Seriously, implying that the OP would rehome her adopted child because she is considering rehoming the dog? You may be incapable of seeing the difference between a dog and a child, but the rest of us can.

It's not like the OP bought a puppy on a whim--she had a dog pretty must thrust on her, by someone who apparently lied about its age, and was given the impression that this was going to be a short-term thing. I can't blame her for feeling overwhelmed right now.

How about directing some vitriol at her DP? Why is she the one getting the blame? It sounds like she is the one coping with a child who is probably having all kids of very challenging issues right now.

You might want to either hide or have this moved to adoption. I don’t think most posters have any concept of the demands of a newly adopted toddler with attachment issues. And I’m so sorry you’re suffering from post adoption depression.
IT does sound like the dog is neglected to be honest - is your DP being a bit useless about your child too?