Need to rehome our dog but DH won't listen.

[BangPippleGo]

Bit long, apologies.

DH and I were always both dog lovers. We fostered a yorkie from a family friend whose relative had passed away - it was only supposed to be a short term solution but 4 years later and the dog is still with us and was legally transferred to us about 3 years ago.

I love the dog, I really do. But I cannot cope with him anymore and as I'm the one at home with our DS(18mo, adopted 6mo ago) it is really affecting me.

I told DH three months ago that I really wanted to rehome him, and DH was against it. So i told him that's fine but from now on it is HIS dog and he needs to care for him. I still pay his pet insurance and vet membership but told DH i was no longer sorting vet appointments, arranging for the groomer, or taking dog for walks. DH is to make sure dog is fed before work in the morning and I will feed him throughout the day if he is still hungry.

DH has not walked the dog once since January (so I take him out a few evenings a week despite saying it's not my responsibility). I cannot walk him with DS because any time we stop (at the park or for DS to catch up because he's toddling) the dog goes crazy because he hates standing still. He does stealth poos in the garden which I don't notice until DS trampled it through the house on a daily basis. He urinates in the house if left alone for half an hour.

DH has missed the booster vaccinations and so will need to pay for a whole round of vaccs plus boosters he has horrid oral health that DH is not looking after. The dog groomer hasn't been since January and the dog is hot and scruffy.

I love the dog to bits and it breaks my heart but my DH is not looking after him and he needs to be in a quiet home, not one with a toddler running round shouting all the time. We were told he was 14 when we agreed to take him in permanently - turns out he was 8, so a much bigger commitment to what we were expecting.

DH thinks if he rehome him now he will just be put down and thinks I am cruel for suggesting such a thing. I think my DH is neglecting the dog and he deserves better.

How the fuck can I convince him that I'm not being cruel?!

Well OF COURSE op thinks more of herself and her baby than she thinks of the dog.

What planet are some of you on ?

The dog is a bloody nuisance. Rehome it when your dh is out.

for you OP.
Ignore all the Nasty fuckers here. As someone else said I do think you have a DH problem.

Just scan the garden for poo once or twice a day, as a habit. Easy.

Walk the dog every morning with DS in pram straight after breakfast, 30 mins. That will make you both feel better.

ImO most dogs are a lot happier if they have a standard morning walk.

What breed is it? The separation anxiety is harder to deal with

Well, I got through a page of the arsehole posts. I hope the tone changed. I doubt it did.

Your husband is an arse. He no longer gets a vote. You gave him a way to keep the dog and he didn’t want to know.

The dog is a bloody nuisance. Rehome it when your dh is out

Seriously what planet are you on smallhorse? You think you can just walk out and dump the dog somewhere while the Dh is out? What a practical solution you offered there.
The dog is not a nuisance, it’s a living creature who deserves to be looked after properly and has feelings. Animals aren’t disposable, they don’t ask to be out in the situations that they get dumped in.

I agree that in a perfect world the dog could be rehomed to an elderly person. I have a friend who takes in the oldies (in another country). You could start enquiring about this with a rescue.

Your DH is being a total arse. You are soon after adoption - and clearly lots of the judgy people on here may be experience with dogs but clearly not the additional challenges post adoption - you are suffering from depression and you've done your best to signal you aren't able to cope. Ignore the pps who can't see the difference between a depressed struggling parent and a man who won't let her act but can't be bothered to organise a groomer.

I do feel very sorry for the dog, and you can't continue to neglect him. However I also don't think it's fair right now for you to have to step back in as main carer, you have given him good care for 4 more years than you planned and right now think you need to prioritise your and your son's health and bonding. See if there's someone who would adopt him. If he ends up being put to sleep then that is also very sad, but it's on your DH.

He is only 11, yorkies can live till they are 20, don't have him pts as some are suggesting. An elderly couple or person would be perfect for him. Try the cinnamon trust, they look after dogs when elderly people die however, they also have a waiting list of fosterers and adopters.
These people cannot get a young dog, don't want one that walks miles. Honestly, it'd be the best option.
And they get bad teeth. Dentastix are crap, like junk food. A knuckle bone from a lamb would be better. I'd also get his teeth done under general by the vet before you rehome him as it'll be easier for him to recover now then move with all the changes that'll bring. He might need lots of teeth removing but trust me, as. A vet nurse, they do very well when gummy! It'll also be better for his heart and other organ health as the toxins he is swallowing now will harm him.

I

An 11 year old dog will not find a home through a rescue let's be realistic.

If you really want him to go you'll have to find a home yourself. (Family, friends, social media)? Ring the cinnamon trust and see if there's anyone there who could have him.
Set some tasks in meantime though.

Groomer, ring a mobile one now.

Teeth, 'D'h needs to take on that task. Doesn't sound as if he needs a lot of walking. How about when your husband returns from work, be on the doorstep ready dog on lead and go straight out leaving him with toddler. Go somewhere calm and tranquil. Spend that quality time for yourself and ddog.
Tell DH this is unacceptable and a serious issue (it is) and he has to support the family situation here. I agree with a PP he is being an absolute arse here.

No, please don’t use social media to rehome this dog, absolutely don’t. He is at risk of being sold on or used for bait, this has happened too many times with animals rehomed/sold in this way.

Sorry you're right cobrider I meant the 'unofficial' rescue pages on there, not some random. I should have clarified. They're often very good. I used to volunteer for one myself. Obviously the better option would be this now quite elderly dog can stay where he is and dh steps up.

People are being hideous on this thread. Op never chose to have the dog, she agreed to giving it a temporary home at her husband’s strong request. He is responsible for this dog, not her. She is trying to call him on it and he’s being an utter wanker. Not her. Of course the dog needs to be rehired because he is not looking after it.

Op,I truly hope you are ok and agree with you entirely. The dog desperately needs an proprietress home.

Rehomed- not rehired 😳

Appropriate home!

We don't know that the dog won't be able to be rehomed.

Yes I would imagine that it would be trickier than rehoming a younger dog, but until that option is explored, no one can say for certain. Surely better to look into that option than go on as things are with OPs mental health declining on a daily basis.

I imagine if the DH was going to step up he would have done so by now - perhaps OP taking some definitive action will push him into it, but for me it would be too little, too late and I wouldn't trust him to keep going with it.

Op - I can't imagine how hard adoption must be. To suddenly get a toddler must be a major shock to your system - toddlers are hard enough when you've been phased into it from babyhood. Add to that that the DC has additional needs and it must be extremely hard - I mean talk about being thrown in the deep end!

I would book his vaccinations and talk to the vet, they may know somebody elderly who has recently lost their dog and wants an elderly lap dog.

I also agree that you have more of a "DH" problem than a dog problem though. Does your 'd'h even pull his weight with the DC?

I also think, as a pp said, that you'd get more helpful advice on relationships board.

Thanks Jennarotersy, yes, same here, it’s too depressing sometimes isn’t it?
The smaller independent ones can be really good at being more flexible.

We got a puppy a year before we had first dc. But I think it was easier to emesh their routines with a newborn. Going for a walk with DD in a sling so hands free to throw ball/pick up poo as one example. I have no experience of adoption but I can imagine your world has turned upside down (in the best possible way), you've got a child who is toddling, needing constant watching, not sleeping as much as a newborn to give you time to turn your attention to other things. Your DH really needs to step up. If you'd posted in aibu you'd have been told to ltb or keep dog and re-home him by now. My DH would walk dog before work and feed him and do any grooming, just a division of labour like anything else. I really think you need to tackle the subject with him again, is his apathy re dog typical or a new thing, is he used to you always picking up the slack, could he be experiencing a similar post-adoption depression to you,

You people are seriously something else. Giving nothing but grief and nasty comments when the op is just asking for some advice. Saying would she neglect her child? Clearly don't come here for support op, the comments you've been subjected to are vile. Try and get him rehomed if you're able to or tell your dh to pull his weight. It must be difficult with a child too. You could make it work if you wanted to but if you find it too hard you'll need to give the dog up.
OP has already stated the dog is in no way neglected but would have a better life with another family. The comments left here are sick and nasty and those of you being disgusting should be ashamed. Hope all goes well OP and don't listen to the vicious bile people spout to try and bring others down.

OP I just wanted to say that I have the utmost respect for you. Your son has had an unthinkable and traumatic start in life, but thankfully he now has you. I can only imagine how tough and demanding it must be to have a small child with attachment needs.

I think you have everyone's best interests at heart, including your dog. You are very rightly putting your son's needs first. Unfortunately, your husband is letting you down.

You do need to rehome the dog - you simply can't manage and your husband hasn't made a big enough effort to help out. Don't feel guilty, you are doing your best. The dog is receiving good enough care - you are not harming or neglecting it.

I have been shocked by some of the vitriolic responses on this thread. Posted by ignorant and smug people who have no experience or knowledge of how incredibly hard it is to care for an adopted child who has experienced early developmental trauma and been through the care system. The dog is absolutely NOT the no.1 priority in your situation.

I do wonder how different the responses would have been if you had said you had a demanding toddler with additional needs - because that is what you have.

I'm so gobsmacked by this thread that I'm back again!

The OP stated early in that she is suffering with post-adoption depression. Yet she had to read the vile finger-pointing shite spat out at her on here.

What kind of world are we living in where a dogs right to a daily walk and teeth cleaning trump the needs of an adopted 18 month old and a woman with poor mental health.

Jesus 🙄

The dog isn't the number one priority, of course not but it is a sentiment creature whose basic needs are not being met. Many people could forgive the lack of walking, it's not ideal but three times a week is better than nothing. Not picking up the shit is grim but not a major issue but the poor thing also has dental issues, digestive problems and hasn't been groomed since January. I doubt it has been deflead and wormed either. I can't imagine how much pain and discomfort the poor thing is in. That's not acceptable, not under any circumstances. It is neglect and animal cruelty and it is a crime.

I feel for OP, I do. I've had depression, it' shit. Even waking up can seem like an insurmountable task but it is not an excuse to commit any other crime so why should it be an excuse to commit animal cruelty?

OP's DH is as much, if not more to blame, than the OP but OP's DH didn't post. The one with no blame are the toddler and the dog who are both at risk in this situation. Toddler and elderly dogs in pain are not a good mix.

OP needs to take action quickly. If she does love the dog, there are organisations who would help her with his vet issues and training but I have to question if she does love the dog. Could you leave something you loved in pain for five/six months to prove a point? I understand depression comes in to play and makes it harder but for the tummy and teeth problems, the grooming and the worming etc its not an excuse.

And to all the people advising she find an elderly person to re home the dog how many pensioners do you know who could afford ££££ of vet bills? Or have the energy to train the dog?

OP might get lucky if she starts ringing around rescues but if she doesn't and it's highly likely she won't, the dog needs to be pts, it cannot continue on in the situation it is in, it is cruel.

🙄

A bit more guilt and shame for you there OP.

Hopefully you have stepped away from this thread for the sake of your own well being.

What kind of world are we living in where a dogs right to a daily walk and teeth cleaning trump the needs of an adopted 18 month old and a woman with poor mental health

I have huge sympathy for the OP and she obviously needs help and the dog certainly doesn't trump her or her child's needs BUT that doesn't actually mean it's ok to neglect an animal and that is what is happening.

Not picking up the shit is grim but not a major issue but the poor thing also has dental issues, digestive problems and hasn't been groomed since January. I doubt it has been deflead and wormed either.

OP hasn't said she doesn't pick up the shit. She said the dog has free reign to the garden and she can't always pick it up before her child gets to it if the dog is in and out all day. She also hasn't said anything about digestive issues - she said she checks hourly for mess, not that the dog is going hourly.

I swear people read what they want to in these threads. You have no idea that the dog isn't being wormed or deflead- both are quick easy tasks that take seconds.