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The doghouse

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Original poster

Time to say goodbye

166 replies

MummyNic · 08/01/2012 02:53

Some may recall my horror at finding out my little girl's (12 year old Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier) nasal issues (not being able to breathe through it) turned out to be cancer in her nasal passage. A very aggressive cancer which is growing on her soft palette and so can't be successfully removed.
Well, on the advice from the specialist, I had her operated on, to buy time, by removing the surface lump so she could breathe but not have invasive surgery.
It bought us my DS's 3rd birthday, my birthday, Christmas & New Year. About 1.5 to 2 months in all.
But her nasal passage is getting blocked again and tonight she's having to breathe through her mouth more than her nose... It's time :(
Do I do it on Monday or Friday?
I'm going away with work on Tuesday until Wednesday evening, hate the thought of missing time with her but.. If I wait until Friday I could ask for Thursday off to spend the day, alone, with my darling girl. But.. Friday is my sisters birthday... Should I wait until Saturday?
She's still eating & drinking, wags her tail etc. but it's bothering her. Oh God, I know this is it, do I delayit a week or admit defeat and book her in?
If its Monday then my DH won't be able to be there.
Maybe Thursday is the day, in the afternoon...
Bollocks.

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Original poster
MummyNic · 22/01/2012 21:56

Dogbell, love that Smile
I've no idea how I'll know if someone comes and I'm in the garden (big garden). Guess I'll be visiting the sorting office more often too Sad
Haven't told the neighbours yet, one came on Monday when Moli made a liar of me Smile the other has a key and let's her out on the days I work. She's expecting it though, she's seem how ill she got. Strange how you have to break the news to people.

I'm really struggling with the bedroom. As I can't see her straight away, I look 'round the end of the bed. That's gonna be a hard one to break.

DH told me that DS didn't just kiss her photo, before that he held it tight to his chest as he said thank you for his bike Sad bless him, he was only 3 in Nov Sad

Have looked on Internet and going to buy a rose for the garden. There's a bright yellow one called "faithful friend", it'll be the brightest plant in the garden. There are others like special friend etc but faithful friend describes a dog best I think.
I hope it'll help us all to plant something beautiful in her honour.

Found another poem earlier, made me sob. Will put it on here soon.

Really am grateful to you all. It helps to know this pain is normal and will pass but the memories will remain. Big hugs to all of you for your time you've given me xxxxxx

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Original poster
MummyNic · 22/01/2012 22:02

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place,
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, 'Peace be Thine'.

It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

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Original poster
MummyNic · 23/01/2012 01:08

Ah crap, I'm not in "accepting" phase... I'm in denial... I keep thinking she's just staying at hosp for a bit & can go and stroke her again soon Sad
I think it hasn't really hit and a blooming great freight train is on its way to hit me with the news...

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horsemadmom · 23/01/2012 10:34

It is very gradual and different for everyone. This comes from the woman who sniffed her dog's collar every morning and evening until it didn't smell like him anymore. I don't think we were ok until we got MadLab. I know that sounds callous when you are at the first stage of grief but, I felt like the whole rhythm of my life was off kilter and all that dog-love had nowhere to go.
MadLab isn't a replacement (he's sooooo different to Goldie!). He let us focus on getting to know a new 'person' and all that unbounded, energetic life he brought back into the house makes it impossible to dwell on the loss. Now, when we talk about Goldie, we remember him with a smile.
It has to be in your own sweet time. You are allowed to feel crap for as long as you need.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 23/01/2012 11:31

hear hear horsemad I totally agree. There is a void and an imbalance and that lasts for a long time.

I lasted 3 weeks without a dog in my house, I couldnt stand it and fate brought Loofa to us. It helped us all in different ways. Although Loofa is another GSD he is totally different, in colouring, coat length and personality. But I am blessed every single day to have him (&lolly) I sniff them, walk them, love them and the void is filled and the balance is back - its different, there will never ever be another dog like Kaiser. He was a one off.

Elibean · 23/01/2012 13:12

Yes, gradual and different for everyone. And, different phases of grief come and go - without warning. One minute ok, next in pieces, then ok again, denial one minute and depression the next, bit like swimming in unpredictable waters.

Day at a time, MummyNic....and here's a big hug to start the week ((((((Mn))))))

hennipenni · 23/01/2012 14:53

Reading this with tears running down my face, I'm in exactly the same place as you Mummynic, I had my beautiful 20 year old cat put to sleep last wednesday as he'd told us that day that he'd had enough (he'd had a very short illness). My house is also "wrong", no feeding bowls around or little noises that remind me of him. They say time is a great heler but I'm not sure. Take care of yourself and big hugs xx

ExitPursuedByaBear · 23/01/2012 15:11

Had my old girl pts over a year ago now hennipenni - but every time I walk into the upstairs lounge I still expect to see her snoozing on the window seat or her favourite chair.

Just been out walking the dog and met a lady with a 13 week old lurcher. They lost their dog last year - their DD was home from Uni and having a party, someone left the door open, the dog was scared and ran out and onto the road where she was hit by a car.

A new puppy doesn't replace their old dog, but she is helping to fill that void.

I think grief gets slowly packaged away with time. It is always there, just not at the forefront of your thoughts. You can take it out and look at it, cry some more, and then put it back and close the door.

Original poster
MummyNic · 23/01/2012 19:46

Big hugs hennipenni, it's an unimaginable pain.
Left the house at 9:45 today, returned at 5:30, just can't bear being there Sad

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jasperJohns · 23/01/2012 19:57

So sad for you MummyNic.

We still have our dog's collar exactly where we left it on 'that' day and her favourite toy has become a relic.

twange · 23/01/2012 21:24

I'm so sorry. When I've recently been through this horrible time twice, I've maybe left it later than I should have and have felt desperate for their suffering to be over in the end. When the time came, I held their head and looked into their eyes and told them 'it's ok now, you are going to feel better now' and I think they accepted that I was telling them the truth and were reassured as the slipped away. x x

NuggetsForTeaAgain · 24/01/2012 07:31

hi twange - glad to see you over here. FAbby

horsemadmom · 24/01/2012 09:40

How are you today, MummyNic?

Original poster
MummyNic · 24/01/2012 20:27

Coping a bit now. Was back at work today, my boss was lovely. His mum died from cancer last year and didn't, for one moment, make me feel like she was "just a dog". In fact he asked if I'd ever lost someone I was so close to? I said no. He went on to say that he found himself crying 3 months later, because sometimes you just forget they're gone and your routines slip back into place Sad

He's a lovely man.

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Latsia · 24/01/2012 20:34

I had my cat put to sleep today MummyNic (have a thread on it) and am bereft. Trying to be strong but putting the feeding bowls and basket away and looking over at her empty spot on the sofa tonight are all breaking my heart. Sad

Big teary hugs from me.

twange · 25/01/2012 16:39

MummyNic, excuse me being a bit dim, but I only joined a couple of days ago and when I looked at your thread I only saw page one of six, and thought that was it. I really sorry for your loss. I only experience my first loss last July. I still cried about him all over christmas. I have found huge comfort with taking on a couple of rescues in the autumn. But it's just so sad that we can't just have things how they were. x x

Original poster
MummyNic · 25/01/2012 19:51

Hugs to you both. I don't think anyone can understand this pain, this grief, until they've been through it. It's just dreadful.
Why can't they live 40 years?!!!
But if they did, we wouldn't get another for fear of not being around ourselves to care for them.

I miss that waggy bum, I miss that lick, I miss the jumps for treats... I just miss her being her for me Sad

Only had one wobble today, in the loos. Still finding it hard to cope at home though Sad

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Latsia · 25/01/2012 22:30

I know exactly what you mean. I am at home with DC during the week and I kept walking into rooms today and thinking that I'd seen her out of the corner of my eye. Then I'd remember and my heart would sink.

The DC keep trying to pat arch rival (other cat) and not understanding why she won't just roll over and let them. It's because (while arch rival has her own unique qualities) not all cats are the fluffy, child-friendly, gentle soul who loved petting however it came.

twange · 26/01/2012 06:13

Big Hugs MummyNic x

Madondogs · 26/01/2012 08:57

Thinking of you, MummyNic and sending you hugs.
We went through this 2 years ago with our goldie and it is truly awful.
You sound like a wonderful owner, try and think about the lovely times you had together. Xxx
.

Original poster
MummyNic · 26/01/2012 21:10

Had a couple of tears today. Was at work when insurance company text came through saying they'd received my claim (for vet visit last Monday ) Sad
Then, tonight after tea, I took my plate to kitchen and went straight for the door to let her out for a wee Sad

Guess these things will happen for a long time to come.

I see her from the corner of my eye too, so weird and it's hard to remember they're gone. Sad

The pain is easing though, I'm just terribly empty and sad. I think the initial shock / horror may have passed..

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Latsia · 26/01/2012 21:30

Sad MummyNic.

Empty and sad. I know. I keep finding fur around and I know it's the final few things now and once I've cleaned up fully I will never see it again. Tis sad sad sad. I am sending hugs. X

hennipenni · 27/01/2012 14:08

Mummynic, i keep seeing my old boy out the corner of my eye, it's strangley comforting in some ways. I did a roast chicken the other day and automatically put some to one side for him, it hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks that he won't share our sunday roasts anymore.

I totally relate to the feelings of sadness and emptyness xx

Original poster
MummyNic · 27/01/2012 18:16

Well it's been a week now Sad
At this moment we were waiting for the sedative to work.
My heart has been breaking all afternoon with the pain I was going through as I cuddled her, knowing my cuddles were limited Sad
Couldn't even take her for a last walk, she was just too ill Sad

Today is not a good day Sad

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momnipotent · 27/01/2012 18:21

((((MummyNic))))

I remember all of this oh so well. :( the seeing out of the corner of the eye, the 'this time last week...'. I was just thinking yesterday that I hadn't seen my girl out of the corner of my eye for ages, and then this morning I did. It made me happy and sad all at the same time.

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