DrinkFeck Reward:
Once upon a time...... It's a quiet Tuesday afternoon. You've nipped into town to do your weekly shop. You live on a budget because you're a poor, lowly maiden . You do voluntary charity work, as well as train dogs for the blind and help out in a local school for underpriveledged kids. You work your fingers to the bone and are studying 107 hours a week for a degree in wiping out world poverty.
But you're poor, and have no family and no friends (because you don't have time). All you have is your faithful old cat, Mr flaps; and the old lady who rents you a room in her house, in exchange for cooked meals and bed baths. Plus her old person medication, that has to be administered via suppository. And causes immediate shits, usually before you've moved your hand.
All of which you deal with admirably and never complain. You're just grateful for the birds that sing ra ra rah...
So, on this particular day you're feeling extra cheerful because you've been saving up for a couple of months and are finally off to World of Quid, to spend your stash.
You buy yourself 2 bottles of nail varnish, a 50pk of Kodak batteries, a box of Toffifee and 3for1 on facial wipes. You're just skipping out of the shop with enough left to go to Gregg's on way home, when you feel an arm grab you roughly. It's the Cardinal, "Excuse me madam, shop security here, , I need you to come for with me."
He marches you to back of shop ignoring your protests and obvious confusion. In his office he explains that you've been seen on camera putting a tube (large!) of smarties inside your coat. Horrified you gasp and deny it. He's laughs coldly and says "Oh well, my mistake then, you're free to go". As you turn for the door, he suddenly steps in front. He leans forwards so that your heads are touching, and hisses in your face "but I think we both know Msssssss DrinkFeck, what the board of governors will say. What about the millions of people, solely relying on you? What will they say when they read in the Daily Mail that you've been caught red handed with your hand in the til. Oh and it's not the first time either." He gives his sinister laugh and says that it doesn't matter how you protest, he has the evidence on tape.
You are so confused and so scared as he plays back an example. You watch, distraught, as your long lost twin sister, who you'd been separated at birth from, there on film shoving boxes of maltesers down her hoodie. You try to deny and explain, knowing how far fetched it all sounds, when he puts a finger firmly to your lips and says "Sshh now. The time for talking has gone. Let me just call my bff the Police Chief Thievenot, and maybe my other bff Lord Justice Havenomercy, and see what they have to say, shall we? Hmmm..."
"No! Please No! I'll do anything" you beg. "Anything you say. Just please don't call the police."
"Verrrrree well then, Msssss DF why don't we begin with a little strip search. I need to find the evidence, and heavens knows where you might have concealed such a phallus shaped confectionery."
Cardinal reaches into drawer, and barks at you, "Remove your knickers clothing immediately. Then face the wall."
The last thing you hear is the sound of a latex glove snapping into place as he growls "Now, Mssss DF, spread your arms and legs, there's a good girl. I'll try to be gentle." ........
Dan Dan daaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!