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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

563 replies

SockGoddess · 13/02/2023 12:07

Following on from MsAnnThropic's thread about struggling with a 13.5yo daughter, we found there were several of us in the same boat with unhappy, angry, difficult and/or themselves struggling teen DDs, and agreed to start a thread where we can discuss, vent and handhold.

Mine is actually only just about to turn 13 but I feel like I'm on edge all the time because of the nastiness and explosive rages, my work is suffering as she often misses school too (i WFH thankfully), and she refuses to accept any counselling or other support even though we have worked so hard to have them available. I'm so worried about her as I think it arises out of her deep anxiety, hormone storms and all the stress of puberty, the usual young teen friendship issues and changing schools. Anyone would be in a state and I want to help. But at the same time I'm often reduced to a weepy wreck and sometimes it feels like it will never end - though intellectually I do have hope she'll find a way to come though it.

Dear struggling mums of teen DDs one and all come for a chat, Brew, handholds and hugs.

We would also love to hear reassurance from those whose DDs have been like this and come out the other side, and what if anything helped.

I may not be able to post much for a bit as having a relative to stay soon, but will check back in asap.

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 17/05/2023 17:35

Sending solidarity to you all. Extra hard with gcse stresses for some of you. Flowers

Dd is thinking of school tomz. She hasn't made it since Easter. I dont think it will happen but you never know. It's sixth form so I'm taking the partnering not parenting approach as she can always study later but it's the hope that gets you.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 17/05/2023 17:39

it's the hope that gets you

So true. I know It's not the end of the world if she misses school, I know there's a way back, she can study as an adult if needed, or maybe she can catch up sooner. But when I think she's going to go, or we get as far as sitting outside in the car, and then it all falls apart... it's so hard to cope with. I don't even know why exactly.

OP posts:
Hbradley · 17/05/2023 20:59

Hi all,

sorry for not responding to others at the mo…I do read and empathise so thinking of you all.

someone asked if my son had a diagnosis and he hasn’t. But it has occurred to me (on researching all the dis regulation of emotion seems to be big part of ADHD (just less spoken about).

this video really resonated. It describes our daily struggle with ds.
https://www.additudemag.com/emotional-dysregulation-adhd-video/

I wonder if ADHD medication would help? I love the idea of a pill fixing all this, but I bet it’s not that simple.

Thanks for listening and positive vibes to you all x

Different colored emoticons symbolize emotional dysregulation

How ADHD Amplifies Emotions

Emotional dysregulation is a core symptom of ADHD. The result: overblown reactions to small setbacks or challenges. In this video, learn the brain chemistry behind your runaway feelings.

https://www.additudemag.com/emotional-dysregulation-adhd-video/

Mydaughterskeeper · 18/05/2023 22:29

Thinking of all of you with serious school refusers. Thankfully Dd only occasionally (at the moment) can’t manage to go in and even then she normally goes in at break.
TBh I can’t believe I just wrote ‘thankfully’ there as when she first started a few years ago it made me so stressed when she missed any time at all.

Wishiwasmycat · 18/05/2023 23:41

School refusal. Bane of my life. I swear she takes advantage because I wfh.

Fififizz · 19/05/2023 07:19

@Hbradley If you think your there might be anything like ADHD I’d recommend you start the ball rolling for an assessment ASAP. Wait times can be lengthy and I don’t think you can get meds without a diagnosis.

Wishiwasmycat · 19/05/2023 13:02

@Fififizz Second this. We had to wait 5 months for a private diagnosis and still waiting for camhs 1.5 years later! @Hbradley DD has massive mood swings and outbursts where she will literally throw the kitchen sink at being awful.
with practise I am learning not to react. Sometimes I do end up losing my utter shit but when I don’t, we go through periods of relative calm.
I really miss the girl she was until 2 years ago.
anyhow, 3/5 days of school this week. She tried to pull one in the school office saying she felt sick yesterday but I didn’t give permission for her to come home. She was not happy but she went in today so will take that.

PetCheetah80 · 20/05/2023 14:38

I found this thread by trying to find support for parents of teenage girls. I haven't read the previous posts yet but I will go back to them.
My daughter is 15 and at 13 she started with the nasty attitude. She has anxiety and really didn't have any friends until this past January. She started taking Sertaline in December. It has really helped her come out of her shell which I LOVE!

For the past two years she has been online dating a slightly older boy from Germany. They spent 24/7 video chatting and playing video games together during this time. Him and his Mom came for a visit mid April and everything changed. She treated him like a piece of garbage from the moment he walked in our home. Once he left the chatting/video games stopped. If I tried to talk to her about what happened she was NASTY and would scream at me she didn't know why or she doesn't want to talk about it. Eventually the boy answered me in our group chat and said she had broken up with him after he booked his flight to visit us.

Same night my daughter started a group chat with a new friend and that friend told me that my daughter is pansexual. Apparently my daughter had it in her head that her father and I would be furious with her if she was anything but straight. I tried to ask her what made her think this and she lost it on me and definitely didn't answer the question.

She tells her new friend's everything. She lies and exaggerates to them. She tells them that her parents hate her.... She hates our rules and as much as she can, does not follow them. I saw a text where one of the newest friends said they were concerned for my daughter's home life because she had said she is not allowed snacks after like 8pm on a school night and that bedtime was at 9pm. The friend said "that's not how parents should act".

We have now had children's aid called on us and they will be coming next week. I have no idea who called but I wonder if it has something to do with this one new friend..... My daughter also tells her friends and therapist that she does not feel safe with her dad in the house. She says she doesn't like how he gets angry easily (yes he has a hot temper) and she is afraid he could hurt one of us. I have been with him for 23 years and I know he would NEVER hurt us, and especially not his children. If this was proven wrong to me, then I would take my children and leave.

Yesterday I told her that her friends were not welcome in our home until she started to show some respect. Didn't she bring them home anyway. Her father was leaving and saw them walking and stopped to tell her I said no friends over....she brought them over anyway. One stayed 2 hours, the other 3.5hours.

I am having a hard time with this whole situation. I always wanted to be a Mom and was so happy to have a baby girl. We were so close until she turned 13. Now she tells her friends how she hates me and I am annoying and rude. I don't know how to get through this.

BeethovenNinth · 21/05/2023 09:15

Just checking in. We are a year in to anorexia (recovered tentatively) and then self harm, anxieties from bugs to hair. No school since Christmas. My husband is physically unwell with it. I’m unravelling mentally.

she won’t speak to anyone although did manage the counsellor last week. She barely leaves the house.

has anyone been there and come through this? I’m a shell of the woman I was and yet still caring for my husband, working and looking after two other children. I felt suicidal thoughts last week (briefly) so have begged for help and am speaking to someone soon. I have begun feeling resentful and angry with her as she makes little effort

but is there any light?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/05/2023 09:37

@PetCheetah80
I'd
Imagine with
The
German boy
The
Thrill and safety of an online boyfriend was enough and when she met
Him in real life was overwhelmed and couldn't cope.
Did you Say she has ND?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/05/2023 09:39

@BeethovenNinth

That sounds really
Hard

Is Your Husband seeing a doctor. It's unfair on you to have to be at the load of that as well.

Re the ED I have no experience but there are
Many who come out of the other side. A fiend at works dd had AN dropped
Out of uni but
she is now working and planning to attend a uni closer to home. Recovery does happen.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/05/2023 09:43

@BeethovenNinth

Also there is no shame
I'm getting supper
For yourself too. You are doing a very stressful role
In life presently. I'm in sertraline for
My dd issues as the stress of it all was meaning I wasn't coping eventually. Only a low dose of 25
Mgs but it's enough to mean I can think eat and sleep

Also what outside support does your dd receive other that the councillor.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/05/2023 09:44

Not so supper
Support obvs. Sorry

BeethovenNinth · 21/05/2023 11:40

I’m scared of anti depressants. What if I can’t get off them? I don’t feel depressed - just broken from an impossible siuation

we don’t really have any help. DD refuses everything. Everyone she sees she “doesn’t like” or they are “nosey”.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 21/05/2023 12:15

Welcome to new posters.

Beethoven I’m on anti anxiety/AD meds and have been for a while, and they help hugely, it’s low dose and the gp says I can stay on them long-term if I want, so I won’t try coming off them until the situation with DD is better. I have been on others before (lifelong anxiety problem) and IME you can taper them down very gradually as you stop, and it hasn’t been a problem before. So it may be worth seeing if they help.

the impact on your life of this situation is huge. My dd mostly refuses to go to her dad’s, misses loads of school and cant be left at home with her sibling as they fall out. I’ve lost most of the free time and work time I used to get and had to cancel hobbies, going out, exercise. I have to work so we can survive, and squeeze meeting my deadlines into the bits of time I can. Apart from that I just run the house and deal with fights and meltdowns. It’s miserable and I feel really trapped. I only get through by dreaming of a time when they’ve both grown up and left or DD has found a solution to her issues and accepted help.

I try to imagine my future self reaching out to me and telling me it did pass and things are ok again. And knowing other people understand what it’s like really helps too - i hope this thread can be supportive.

OP posts:
PetCheetah80 · 21/05/2023 14:23

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver I also thought that once they were going to finally meet it made it all too real and she wasn't ready for it ... That being said she just started "dating" a friend last week ..

My daughter has social anxiety but now I am sure there is something else like bipolar (and her friends think ADHD or Autism). I will be taking her to the doctor on June 8th. Oddly enough our doctor wonders if I have ADHD and I just found out that two of my cousins have ADHD and one of their kids has ADHD.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/05/2023 14:56

@BeethovenNinth

Honestly. They just lifted the stress and anxiety enough to deal with it all. Even on a super low dose.

When dd is ok I imagine I will be able to wean off pretty easily.

Also something like that will also massively help your dd so I'd seriously try to get her to see someone. I know it's hard if they reject help.

BeethovenNinth · 22/05/2023 06:21

Thanks beaver it’s such a tough stress isn’t it? One of these things you don’t understand until you live it.

do you mean sertraline for DD? It feels like a big step age 13. In terms of her longer time life as I suspect would never get off it. She is also adamant she doesn’t want medication. She says it’s a “bad patch in her garden” and she needs “time to heal”. Which sounds very sane TBH but six months of no school and barely leaving the house is taking its toll

Wishiwasmycat · 22/05/2023 15:06

Hey all! Welcome to new posters. I'm pretty new here, too and it's a supportive environment for people who get what it's like.
Pissed off today. She has spent literally two days in bed. Wouldn't come out for family lunch yesterday. wouldn't go to school today.
My DH (actually not very D today) called from work and went crazy when he heard she had not gone to school. It's all my fault, I should 'drag' her in. He is so unreasonable. He has no idea. He swans off every morning and leaves me to handle the school routine for 3 of them. I do EVERYTHING for the kids and I am feeling so hurt that he is blaming me. What does he think I actually do? I beg, I plead, I make sanctions - nothing works. I can see she actually feels bad that I've got the blame now, has promised to go to school tomorrow. I am fuming. Feel like cooking a meal he bloody hates for dinner tonight. Because yes, I make every meal too.
Sorry for the rant. I hate how the worrying about DD is making us all miserable.

Hbradley · 22/05/2023 16:43

@Wishiwasmycat that sounds horrid. I only have 1 child and find that flipping difficult. You sound like you do amazingly to hold it all together. I’m not surprised you fed up with your DH, I’m sure he couldn’t manage what you are handling. I think they get it easier going out to work and not having all this to manage. Cook something YOU fancy for tea tonight.

welcome all new members. @BeethovenNinth you sound incredible too looking after everyone when you are not in a great place yourself. I’ve been signed off work with stress and now take anti d which help me manage. I def believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us all! It will feel so great when things are easier as we’ve had so much heartache to deal with xxx

……..

I had a meeting with the school today. The new head of year (man ex army) was a real bully but I impressed myself and stood up for myself and ds. They really don’t understand how hard it is. I think if DS doesn’t go back after half term, I think we need to look at other options. He’s missed 9 weeks now! Luckily apart from the meltdowns he’s more relaxed generally.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 22/05/2023 18:09

@BeethovenNinth

For you primarily but your dd too if a psychiatrist thought it would help. You would
Most likely have to go private tho as cahms useless

BeethovenNinth · 23/05/2023 06:15

beaver this is at the back of my mind given DD is effectively housebound. At what age do I pay a private psychiatrist? She is nearly 14. But I suspect autistic burnout. So I don’t even know if medication is a good idea. It’s so so hard when there is no help around. GP is useless and where do I start with CAHMS…

Original poster
SockGoddess · 23/05/2023 10:01

Hi everyone, checking in quickly as I'm behind with work. Sorry so many of you are having tough times. Have just had a horrendous 48h with DD with violence and throwing things etc - I suspect friendship issues with on again/off again group bully who she spent time with recently (against my better judgement but she begged and said it was all fine), but she says I don't deserve to know. (Not that being upset justifies being aggressive, but that's what happens sometimes). Not at school as she was up so late last night having a massive paddy, until she finally said sorry and wanted a hug :( it's so heartbreaking, fun things are happening at school that she didn't want to miss, but she does this to herself and can't manage.

Wishiwasmycat I understand - I have tried everything. DD knows that whatever I do, threaten, take away, promise... she can just refuse to co-operate. I guess it's the only power she has in a situation where she feels powerless. I do feel lucky that my ex is on side and supportive, but it's me that carries it all and him that has a free and easy life, travels abroad, gets days and days to do what he likes, and that is hard to take.

H bradley "I def believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us all! It will feel so great when things are easier as we’ve had so much heartache to deal with xxx"

Thank you, this is what I need today. I really hope and like to imagine that. Just thinking of us having a happy life, being able to do stuff in the knowledge DD is OK and thriving, feeling like this doesn't have to be permanent, and dreaming about being able to look back on it.

❤to all.

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 23/05/2023 11:15

@BeethovenNinth you can get private psychiatrist for any age
Tho waiting list are still a few months even for that.

My dd is adhd and suspects asd (old aspie profile). She is on sertraline and it's really helped her mood. She no longer has huge meltdowns and we haven't argued for a few months now. It's not done a lot for her adhd but anxiety wise and moods wise it's been great. She admits this too which is something!

MamaOdie · 24/05/2023 08:41

Hi all, just checking in too, and welcome newcomers! It really helps knowing you’re not alone.
We had an appeal hearing with the school admissions panel yesterday. DD isn’t opening up to anyone - CAMHS, GP, is, anyone at school. All we can get out of her is that school is causing her a lot of anxiety and so she’d like to move schools. I poured my heart out to them yesterday, told them all the issues with school refusal and bullying, and how awful her current school have been in supporting us. Just found out the appeal wasn’t successful. I’m absolutely devastated, this felt like a chance to shift the emotional blocker that she has around school.
Told DD, she just said “oh well, it doesn’t matter”. Don’t think she fully appreciates the consequences of all this.