Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Keep communication strong with school. Particularly her head of year they will be able to offer in school counciling and other support should it be required.

It might not be.

My teenager was out of control she was awful , genuinely.

She's now a delightful woman who I consider my best friend

@SockGoddess thanks so much enjoying some tea and toast she calmed down and went to school. I feel so awful as I know she can't help it, just want her to be happy xx

@lollipoprainbow
Glad things have calmed down now. I remember one Christmas we’d been away for the whole of the holidays and I’d wrapped some small gifts for when we returned. I felt bad as a mum swerving the whole Xmas thing! On holiday my son decided he wanted a parrot from Santa. Obviously I didn’t see that one coming and I had not been out and bought and gift wrapped a live parrot and stuck it in the wardrobe for when we arrived home. I’ve since learned to lessen my expectations of all of these types of celebrations.

So school finishes this week (Scotland) and still can't get E out of the house. Positives are that she is now talking to the psychologist online (although masking which I hope the psychologist can see past). Also just got a letter confirming she's got child disability payment. Which is amazing - the form was so complicated to complete and I completed it in January so wasn't sure if the delay was because I'd made some error.

Hopefully going on holiday tomorrow fingers crossed that E comes with us

Sorry to hear that @SockGoddess - we manage these things as best we can and we need to be kind to ourselves. Someone on another thread recommended a book which they swear by 'parenting a child with mental health issues- never let go. Have you read it? I may try it.

We are on holiday with my sisters family so E has been out but it's hard work when it's just us. I know it's tough for her as well but I get so tired of my life revolving around her.

@SockGoddess I think the meltdowns are worse after a good run so perhaps harder to hard it together as we’re so sad take a turn again.

im paying for session for myself on how to son with therapist specialising in anger so I’ll let you all know if his advice is any good. Son won’t see the therapist himself so I’ll see what I can learn!

Sorry lots of typos but hope made sense.

Yes @Hbradley and @SockGoddess E refuses to accept she is autistic (she insists I got her the diagnosis as a way to get attention for me). She is now very reluctantly speaking to a psychologist online but I listen at the door and know she's masking and lying about what she has been doing.

DH is exhausted by it all as well but the mental load mainly falls to me as I'm the one she wants to control. And the psychologist tells me I should detach and I must remain calm at all times - so if anyone knows how to do that please let me know 🤔😳😂

i really feel for you all. It’s such an incredibly difficult age. I had definite difficult times 14 - 16 especially - really really hard as a single mum. My daughter is now 18 and such a lovely young woman!!
A famous psychologist said to me that I needed to parent and not be my daughter’s best friend. Make sure there are good times - listen to their music occasionally or let them choose movie/ Tv show and show genuine interest - but be firmer with boundaries and don’t take everything to heart, panic and worry.

If they say they hate you - it’s only what every teenager has felt about their parents throughout history as they prepare to loosen ties and strike out on their own. This generation dare to say what they’re feeling as they’re closer to us and we have better bonds. Try not to take what they say to heart. Try to be strong, calm and not so emotional - it’s important we are their rocks. Of course they don’t hate you! It’s a phase.

Try and do more things for yourself. Try and do occasional family things they will like. Set your boundaries / red lines and match with realistic punishment. Don’t shout no phone for a week if you’re going to relent. But if it’s really important they eat with you every evening - make them even if they sit in silence and sulk. If they refuse, phone away for an hour or something. Just so they know you mean business. Don’t engage in physical. Leave the room. Shut their door- turn wifi off for an hour and calmly say that has crossed a line, no one is hitting eachother in this house. Turn on after an apology.
i hope it eases for you xx

Just reading back all the posts in more detail. Those mentioning Eating disorders and self harm are so stressful and I’m so sorry for anyone going through this. I hope my other comments left separately don’t trivialise this. My daughter has friends who have come through these issues and are now back in education. One in particular was hospitalised for many months and has come through it at 19 and although is monitored she has gone back to Alevel study. Other friends whose daughters have diagnosed ADHD in their twenties and have found the meds transformative.
My own daughter has had many times of screaming crying rocking on the floor because she scared of school. She’s still very anxious but she’s definitely improving and is not rude to me and has coped with a year away at Uni.
My previous post was aimed more at behavioural issues caused by societal rather potential SEN issues.

There was one post where someone had said their daughter refused to hurry up in the morning, ate breakfast at a snails pace and made her late for work every day. So if you’re not worried about development issues in this case -(( can she rush and get ready if she was going to a day out with friends or something she enjoys or does she always need help and support to structure her timing)) - my pysychologist said to me to leave and drive off. Tell her calmly you have to go, if she’s late for school you’re not covering her and she faces the consequences and then leave.
I did this once with my daughter who was rolling on the floor screaming, left her, she spammed my with 30 texts in 2 mins full of hatred but I carried on to work. She was SO angry. But she wasn’t late for a lift again…
Just trying to add a bit more info on to my previous post x

We're in the middle of moving which is causing major meltdowns from dd. I'm just so fed up of the constant battle to get her to do anything she is asked or told to do. She has started lashing out at me angrily and spitting it's awful.

Thanks @Lilactimes. good to have hope for the future.
A mixed week here. After a bad start to Monday morning with all the signs things were going to escalate because she couldn’t get her hair right she started shouting at me so I just told her I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that and left for work. I was so worried especially as I left her alone with her brother (I gave him strict instructions to stay out of her way) but when i phoned him 20 minutes later miraculously she’d managed to get herself ready and into school.

But then on she told her favourite teacher at school that she feels suicidal and had taken a packet of paracetamol into school. I feel terrible saying this but I’m sure there’s an element of attention seeking there as she has a bit of a thing for this teacher-he’s very young and is always nice to her.
But obviously she’s not happy and I’m trying to find a decent private therapist while we wait for camhs to bump her up the list.

@lollipoprainbow that sounds horrible. Moving is stressful enough at the best of times. Hope you get a bit of rest this weekend

Well I hope they give you hope - it’s definitely a phase for most. Key thing is to be kind but firm. Keep to your boundaries - be a calm rock for them whilst they flail around, they will get through it. Don’t take their behaviour personally especially if they’re fine when they’re not with you - eg fairly polite to neighbours, teachers most of the time.
Try and find somethings you can do together to maintain a bond that THEY love - but don’t expect it to be like it was when they were children. They are supposed to detach at this age! It feels like many of you are taking it personally rather than thinking this is a developmental phase!
However if my daughter ever spat at me, I would wait until things had calmed down, and remove her phone, for an hour for each time she spat. No shouting no arguing screaming or retaliation from me. Just take the phone - prob leave the house and go for a coffee and tell her she will get it back in an hour. And every single time she behaves like that, I would remove it and it would be for longer the next time. They have to know you have the power, you are in charge. And you’re not scared of them. Also you are doing it for their own good. They can’t spit at their future boss or their husband if they don’t get their own way. It’s part of parenting process. Give them the attention/ shopping trips or whatever during the good behaviour/ strong firm boundary punishment on the bad behaviour and don’t take their responses personally. I promise by 16 there will be glimmers of improvement!!

Also really well done @Mydaughterskeeper for just leaving your daughter…. And yes she got there and did it.
just saying “love you but I’m afraid I can’t wait any longer I will be late for work - I can take you tomorrow if you’re ready on time, bye have a lovely day” .. and soon she will learn.

Yes but @SockGoddess - it won’t be consistently bad. And whilst you’re firm consistent and unemotional with the punishment aspect, and remove yourself for the situation - you should start to see an improvement in behaviour and if you don’t step up the length of time. at the same time it’s important that they still know you love them and you’re building a bond. SO even if you feel like you’re slightly faking it (!) it’s important to say, “I really love that you’re passionate about xyz/ I love you but as we’ve discussed it’s important you don’t behave like this, so am taking your phone for 6 hours, and then when I’m back, if you’ve calmed down, I will give you a lift to xyz. Or next weekend you can go to the party/ buy a new top/ choose the family movie/ will cook your favourite meal..
Exhausting - I know but you will get there.. Also I think look at your tone of voice.. at the age of 12 / 13 the minute they sense nagging / harshness / shouting they EXPLODE… take it personally lash out. Just stay super calm and remove yourself xx

@Lilactimes

Thanks for your posts. It’s so draining with an explosive child and hard not to take it personally, especially when they’re far from independent and need so much support. Huge angry meltdown at me yesterday. It’s also hard when they don’t treat any other person this way but I take comfort from your comments that this is actually a positive. After the emotional purge my son did say he doesn’t know why he does it and why I trigger him. Hey ho. I’m the same as you @SockGoddess in thinking I have 3 more years of this and we never had the particularly easy early childhood years either.

When you think things are ok / manageable for a bit. DS started getting panic attacks and thinks he can’t breathe. He’s been told by doctor that he’s ok but he doesn’t believe it and thinks he’s going to be struggling with his breath forever. He angry with me as it was his 13th birthday and it’s ruined it for him. I usually work Monday and Tuesday only but think I’ll need to be off with him early this week until things calm down. It’s first time his anxiety has resulted in physical symptoms for him. His lack of resilience or being able to cope really show.

He says he needs to see specialist to get it fixed. So it maybe way in to get him to see therapist that works on breath. I can’t imagine him having the patience for any breathing techniques.