Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

@MamaOdie
I’m not sure about a school admissions panel and what role they play but has anyone suggested you seek an EHCP for your child/the anxiety issues? The other thing that might be useful to you is FB group called ‘define fine’ they support parents across all the issues around barriers to attending school. It can be really difficult getting support and understanding from schools/LA’s unless you happen to get lucky. Often it’s a case of finding out about your child’s rights and pushing very hard to ensure that they’re met.

@Fififizz that is fabulous advice, I will check out that group.
The SENDCO at her current school was very dismissive of her diagnosis, just said she didn’t think she needed one and that was that, no further help or advice. Which is one of the reasons we wanted to switch schools!

@MamaOdie
Sadly been there and got the t shirt! Parents can make a request an EHCP assessment regardless of what school or anyone else thinks or says. SENDCO’s aren’t always highly knowledgeable unfortunately. There’s a SEND support forum on mumsnet.

Well I heard we are finally about to be triaged for a neurodiversity assessment. DD has an appointment next week. Heaven knows how long the actual diagnosis will be, I’m hoping it tells us where it is heading though.
I started filling the paperwork in last June!

@Teatime55 out of interest, do you mean that you did CAHMs referral last June?

since being part of this thread I’m 100 percentage convinced mine has ADHD (I thought it was just about being hyperactive and now realise it’s more than just that) think I’ll have to go private if it will take that long. Of course I’m not a professional so I can’t diagnose.

he always feels like lessons are torturous to sit through but I just thought perhaps he was bored by teachers etc but wondered why his friends managed to concentrate without detentions etc. He’s not what I thought ADHD was like so I’ll have to wait and see.

I mentioned previously that he can’t wait for things….so that fits too.

good luck with the assessment!!!

@Hbradley no it’s for the NHS assessment, probably for autism. I started the paperwork last June, school sat on it until October before it was submitted.
Ours triages you and they say if they then go ahead you have 98% chance of a diagnosis of ND.

I'm only about half way through this thread...

Many of your DD's sound exactly like me when I was a teenager.

I finally got diagnosed with ADHD last year at 40!

So it was a combination of ADHD, hormones and trauma/attachment issues related to my father and subsequent difficult relationship with my Stepfather.

Firstly, know that I turned into a much more normal human from 18ish (definitely after 21). I'm married, have a high paying job, and a very close relationship with my DM who I adore (and yes, I used to scream at her and throw things at her and all sorts).

What would have helped...

• I know it must be hard but you need to repeat on a constant basis that she isn't really in control. There's a lot of language sprinkled through the posts that is quite blaming and implies they're doing it 'on purpose'. You might not use these same words around your DD but they will know how you really feel.

They genuinely have very little ability to control what's going on with them right now...which is why it makes no logical sense and often why they can't articulate 'why' they're being the way they are.

Then they are being blamed which increases the anger - imagine how angry it would make you eventually if you had a leg amputated and kept being blamed for being 'awkward' when you took longer to walk somewhere, You would eventually end up with explosive anger about it.

• Try to reduce any 'demands' to the bare minimum. What is necessary for their safety or basic needs (I include education in this). Let everything else go. So their room is a cess pit...let it go.

One of the messages earlier is about the DD being in bed all day at the weekend and trying to get them out. Just let it go.

ADHD is honestly exhausting...I often have days as an adult where I have to spend the whole day in bed to try and 'recharge'. Once I'm at that stage I know I start to feel easily irritated and 'on the edge', as an adult I can keep this to myself and just take myself off to bed without upsetting anyone however if anyone was on my case about it, I think I'd quickly revert to angry teenager mode. I need that time as much as anyone with a physical illness needs it.

• For those whose DDs have a diagnosis, are they on meds? Meds have been an absolute revelation to me and I'd highly recommend them,,

Also the sleeping issues - being awake all night and then needing to sleep in the day are quite typical of ADHD.

It's not something they have much control over. The only thing that helped me were stimulants! Now I take my ADHD meds I feel genuinely tired at the end of the day.

Sorry, also to say - the DD who has been in bed for two days.

Again, as an adult with ADHD I can reach burnout easily and end up in that state for days, weeks or even months on and off.

At the time I feel completely catatonic. Like a robot who someone has switched off. It's completely outside my control and can change very suddenly.

If someone tried to make me get out of bed, get dressed and have a family lunch I think I would lose my shit (and I say this as an adult who very rarely loses their shit).

If your DD had a physical illness and needed the rest would you be hustling them to get out bed and have a family lunch? If someone did try to, would you understand why they might get a bit snappy about it?

You may need to constantly ask yourself 'If my DD was seriously physically ill and acting like this, how would I react? What steps would I take?'.

Then do that thing.

I promise I'm not trying to say these things to say you're 'wrong' - clearly you love your DDs and are trying to do what you think is right in an extremely bewildering and anxiety provoking situation.

I'm just trying to help - at 40, I have the knowledge about ADHD and ability to articulate what your DDs can't.

Clearly you and your DH need some support with all of this. You need to be well to support anyone else.

For your DD - it sounds like she could be in full burnout.

The only way I've been able to get out of this as an adult is to have a period of complete recovery.

That has meant...

• No work (not sure why it's okay for adults to be signed off work but DC with the same illness can't be off school...there's time for them to get back on track educationally when they're a little older. Sure, it's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world either)

• Eating food I love but that is still 'okay' nutritionally (so it doesn't have to be super healthy but trying to eat three normal meals and not just junk)

• Listening to my body. Sleeping as much as I need to. Sometimes this has meant 2 or 3 weeks of being in bed most of the day when I've got to full burnout stage

• Writing a list of anything I enjoy that isn't a 'demand' on me and just doing those things when I feel able (at peak burnout this might just be spending time on the internet as I can't even read books at this stage)

• I will slowly, slowly start to recover but very up and down and inconsistent. I just listen to what my body/mind needs and give it that without being made to feel guilty, I need a low-stress, low-demand environment

Bear in mind that this is me as a fully rounded adult with a law degree, a high paying job in London and lots and lots of therapy under my belt.

If I've reached burnout I still need to do this and there's no reason I can see why teens wouldn't need something similar.

You can see why normal parenting would be completely at odds with what they actually need to get better (and that isn't a criticism of the parents, how would you know any different?).

Everything I've written above makes me sound 'lazy' and 'selfish' but I'm very much neither In fact, when I'm well I'm very much an 'over-worker' if anything and also like to get lots done and am generally full of energy and life. The above is a picture of ADHD in burnout.

To be fair...if your DD broke up with him after he booked his flight he really shouldn't have come. I'm not surprised she wasn't great with him, if that happened to an adult people would say he was completely overstepping boundaries.

Having your boundaries trampled all over makes you feel angry. That's a completely natural reaction.

Clearly it was less than ideal that she dumped him after he booked his flight but I don't think that's completely out of the ordinary for a (perfectly normally) emotionally immature child.

I also don't think it's unusual for teenagers to tell their friends what a 'hard time' they have with their parents and have a good old bitch and moan.

What is a bit unusual is how much gets back to you...why are her friends in contact with you so much?

I would have felt very betrayed as a teenager if my DM and friends were discussing me 'behind my back' irrespective of whether they were right about me playing up how strict they were. I would have found it humiliating TBH.

I can understand if it's something that a friend would rightly be genuinely concerned about because of the risk of harm to your DD (for example telling you about self-harming, an eating disorder, etc) but these things aren't in this category?

Agh mornings are such a nightmare, I'm all ready to leave for work but dd is eating breakfast like a snail and then blaming me for not waking her up earlier despite me nagging her from 6.30 to wake up. It's now 8.50 so we'll be late yet again. So bored and fed up with this.

@wheresmymojo

Thankyou for that amazing post. The way you describe it is much easier for me to be empathetic to my dd who also thinks she may have asd and she is exactly how you describe. It really helped to get your perspective so thank you.

Sympathies @lollipoprainbowI honestly feel a million times better every morning I don’t have to get dd up and ready for school (weekends, inset days, strikes etc!) it’s such a massive cloud hanging over the morning and even though we are successful most mornings it takes a big toll.

Thank you @wheresmymojo that is all helpful.

we did get dd assessed privately for adhd and asd earlier this year but they concluded she didn’t have either (so much for paying for a diagnosis!) but I still tend to use a lot of nd parenting techniques. She definitely doesn’t do well with demands.

Horrendous morning home clothes day and no internet which is the end of the world for my dd. There's an outage in the area but of course it's all my fault it's not working. Thank god it's half term next week. I can't cope anymore.

Hope everyone doing ok.

things have been reasonably calm here which is a nice treat. We’ve gone to stay at in laws down south and I think ds relaxes from ‘real life’ a little. Not looking forward to end of half term though when reality hits again.

@SockGoddess from what I understand some adhd assessments if done privately can be done online with info from teachers/others being fed in etc. I’m hoping that my son might engage that way (will prob have to bribe him). Would your dd agree to that?

we are on our way home now in the car. We have to listen to the awful music he wants to listen to as to avoid his mood but I’d prefer it that way.

hope everyone has a decent day )

Should have said although online they requests blood tests etc from local gp.

A trip out for a burger yesterday ended up in a slanging match when she didn't like the shape of her burger and went into meltdown mode, I'm ashamed to say I got angry with her and now feel utterly awful. It's so bloody hard dreading school on Monday.