Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

@SockGoddess she was in the back seat yanking my hair and hitting me we went for the drive through as she hates the noise of the main restaurant. Very hard to stay calm when you are in an enclosed space! Yes it's a weird mix of toddler and pre teen all rolled into one.

Hi , am new to this but needed advice from like minding parents of teens. Have 13 year old (going on 20!) who is having MH issues. Like many other parents I am WFH while attending appointments for support for her. She seems hell bent on harming herself and has been in hospital due to attempt to overdose. Now I find she is smoking weed too!! How the hell do I punish this without causing another attempt at OD?? Her response is everybody her age is doing it and she likes the feeling to relax. Does anyone out there have any advice or experience in similar situation?

@Jellybellybaggybum
Sorry to hear you’re daughter’s struggling. I wouldn’t attempt to punish the weed but go down the empathy route. If she’s saying it helps her relax there seems something significant in that about all her struggles and maybe why she’s doing what she’s doing to herself. Do you think she’s suffering with anxiety? Is the GP, CAMHS, school supporting her in anyway? I think you both need help and support through this. Hopefully someone with more experience of this specific situation will reply.

Thankyou Fififizz. CAMHS have discharged her as they say it’s an autism thing but she doesn’t want diagnosis. I think you are right, the empathy route sounds better than more stress of punishment. Xx

@Jellybellybaggybum
Sorry you’re not getting support from
CAHMS. I’ve not experienced that side of them but have read how they can discharge if it’s anxiety etc due to ASC. My only encounter with them was for ADHD assessment but I’m not sure they reached the right conclusion there. The weed sounds like it could be fulfilling several needs, relaxation/stress relief, fitting in/peer pressure/acceptance etc.

Thank you Sockgodess and Fififizz, I am so grateful for your words. It’s not easy is it! Haha i am sure I wasn’t this complicated as a teen but not sure my mum would agree! 😂

DDs initial neuro assessment was cancelled due to illness so she has been upset all day about it.
She’s on a mega downer of complaining she doesn’t want to go out/doesn’t want to stay home. Has nothing to do but won’t do anything…. Feel like it’s going to be a long week.

Not sure what’s worse the aggression or the crying…..he doesn’t cry much but had a real sob in bed last night.

when he’s aggressive that’s awful but when he cries it’s also so hard to see them suffering isn’t it?

he’s now back in low state about his life and won’t engage in doing any work to keep him on track.

just a moan really. I know he’s suffering.

@Teatime55 mine is like that with being bored. Bored and lonely but won’t do anything to help so I do my best to arrange things but usually not good enough!

Hope everyone’s doing ok today. and welcome @Jellybellybaggybum
we had the same experience with CAMHS, after DD wouldn’t engage much they contacted me to suggest ASD - and then discharged her after session 2 as they “couldn’t help her”. I know they are very very stretched and work so hard but feels like we’ve been cut adrift.

Not been able to get her into school this week, despite a written agreement that she only needs to go in for an hour a day, and can stay in the Support Hub.

The stories upthread about ADHD burnout sound exactly like what we’re going through at the moment. I need to consider going for another private assessment, they confirmed she has ASD but ADHD was an “add on” that we didn’t think we needed at the time. One of the pitfalls of the private assessment route is that they didn’t seem to even consider ADHD at the time, as we only discussed ASD.

Hope you all have a nice smooth rest-of-week!

We had a terrible start to the week. I can’t even bring myself to say what she did but she crossed a line and I’m gutted.
How do you move on when they’ve upset you to such a fundamental extent?

@Mydaughterskeeper
Sorry to read this. I’m not sure but didn’t want to read and run! First if they’re unsafe in any way as a consequence deal with this and make sure they’re safe then once that’s in place focus on getting yourself in a better place before you attempt to tackle things.

The constant sniping, unpleasantness, nastiness is so wearing. Almost everything I say creates a backlash. He has ASD so is less mature/aware and I try pick my battles but asking him to be a bit more responsible like putting his washing on that I’ve pre sorted for him starts a civil war. I know you should choose your battles but anything I say/ask him to do become an excuse to have a go at me. I don’t expect occasionally doing his own washing to be a battle How do you teach any life skills or help personal responsibility develop maturity when they’re like this….?

On the other hand. I’m the only parent apparently who won’t let her 13 yr old mooch unsupervised around town with in the loosest sense of the term possible ‘mates’ . I just don’t feel
he’s mature or responsible enough….

We are having a terrible day.

I'm a shit mother apparently.

I can't go into details, it's all too hurtful and raw. I don't know what to do in the face of such..disdain and negativity.

She came out of her room, created a row, I didn't rise to it. And now the day is shit and unhappy.

I just want to cry. But apparently that's me being manipulative.

Feel all your pain, dd has been horrible today because she didn't get her own way. She wanted a new lunchbox which we managed to find then she wanted something specific for her lunch which we she had seen online so we traipsed round three supermarkets and couldn't find it. We passed a mini Tesco with cars queuing to get in and she insisted on going in there. When I refused she kicked off, shouted at me and yanked my hair. I could have cried but then I'm deemed a crybaby. She can be adoreable one minute and vile the next she's a real Jekyll and Hyde. It's her birthday on Tuesday and I feel like I can't be bothered but of course I will.

Solidarity all mums struggling.

Dd been a pain today. She has hay fever and is tired but she knows how to rain on a parade.

Was about to start a post but chanced upon this thread. It’s as if dd13 has a split personality: at home, not always but very often, overreacts, shouts, is argumentative, disrespectful, rude or silly in response to most things anyone says to her, and often gets upset over minor things. She comes across as not a very nice person. Can’t tell if she’s within the range of normal teen acting up or there’s something else going on but it’s been like this since she was 8 so I don’t think it’s a phase. People that see her act like this at home say she’s really immature for her age. She’s shy, socially awkward and often inarticulate, can’t make small talk/read social cues, and is often inadvertently and (maybe) deliberately rude.
Having said that she is doing really well academically and goes to various clubs and activities virtually every day of the week. School reports are always really positive and have never had any issues with behaviour outside the home. I genuinely feel like I don’t recognise the child the teachers tell me about at parents evening. They consistently remark how kind and conscientious she is! Part of me wonders if the teachers aren’t noticing or telling us for some reason - workload or more challenging kids in the class - or a case of focus on the positive ignore the negatives?

She definitely takes after me and reminds me a lot of myself. I have ADD and am undiagnosed but pretty sure also ASD. We get on well enough but dh really pushes her buttons, not deliberately or maliciously but because they’re just different personalities, and doesn’t understand why she’s so hostile towards him.
All this brings back memories of my own childhood. I was bright and a bit of a loner, I remember finding the schoolwork a breeze but navigating the social side of school nerve wracking and exhausting. I’d come home and retreat into my bedroom and try to decompress.

I did try to get her assessed at primary but it came back she did not meet the criteria.
I’m worried about her because although I was always top of the class I’ve ended up bottom of the career in large part because of lack of communication/interpersonal skills stopping me progressing into management and I don’t want the same for dd. I can see she’s struggling with it but don’t know how to help her - raise it with school, get a private assessment, therapy/counselling, a bit of tough love, or do nothing and accept that there’s no concerns at school and that’s who she is?

I know I’ve been quite negative here, we do love her to bits and she’s fantastic in so many ways but I’ve only mentioned the main things I’m concerned about.

@SockGoddess
Yes, it seems like a thankless task, often even worse than that because of the anger and unpleasantness too!

Yes, solidarity to all mums!

@cocoloco117
Your daughter sounds like my son! Two personas! At home either in his room decompressing, doing activities, or being grumpy with us but to the outside world seemingly coping, pleasant etc. He’s ASC and masks massively. I’m just starting to think about post 16 now and lots I’ve been reading confirms your own experience in terms of the skills needed etc to function in society and the workplace. I’m hoping as he understands himself better he’ll be drawn towards a suitable career pathway and something more ‘niche’ I’m thinking.

I'm not a bad mother. I'm not a bad mother. I'm not a bad mother.

If I say it enough I might believe it.

Sometimes I wonder if we made a mistake. Sometimes I wonder if we should have been content with our childless lot. Sometimes I wish I was in a very different situation. Sometimes I think they'd have been better off with another family.

Mostly I am tired of being so hated.

@Fififizz Yes that’s exactly what I’m wondering about, how to help dd find her ‘niche’ and get into a career and life that she can have success in. For me it took a huge toll on my mental health as I became more and more aware of being ‘different’ and then seeing my academic ‘strengths’ not being all that useful in work, and then seeing people I used to help with their homework getting on in their careers while mine stagnated. I don’t want her to go through that but don’t know how to prepare her for it.

From reading this thread, and I knew anyway, there’s kids and families who are struggling way more and not getting the help they need, so I can’t really complain, but it would be nice to have some support or some pathway to help navigate through this.

@StopfordWife you’re not a bad mum.
I have these thoughts too.
mine has been ok the last week or so. Mainly because I’ve backed off and let her have her own way which will no doubt backfire soon but I’m so tired of battling.
so worried for her future but trying to take one day at a time.

Horrendous morning on what should have been a happy day her birthday. Stressing about wearing home clothes, and what bag to put her sweets in. Massive massive meltdown. I'm in tears, eleven years ago I gave birth to my beautiful longed for baby girl and now this. 😢