swearing and shouting wanting no boundaries,i can't see a way forward

[thebestofit]

our dd is angry about staying out and having her own way without permission
when i picked her uplast night and said she had to come home not stay at friends house she went mad screaming and shouting at me in the street and car i was actually a bit scared.
I had been keeping the peace letting her do more or less as she pleased within reason but her dad said to be firmer so i grounded her for going out without permission but she won't stick to the grounding just stays out.When i went to get her she became totally out of contrl f*ing and blinding,calling me a fing b*ch and said she would run off.
I feel very worried and don't know whether to call parentline[if she is out] or actually wish i myself could just leave as her dad is inconsistent and not helping and i can't take any more.
she is 16 in the summer and if this carries on she'll have to move out i don't know if that involves a social worker or not.
Any genuine advice please but don't be too ott in what you say as this is becoming very worrying and fragile

I'm actually shaking and dreading her coming downstairs.

should i have posted on chat?
anyone?

teenagers are a really difficult area. You will or i wouldhave thought been given a huge amount of advice by now.

For starters both you and your dh need to be working together and supporting each other. Also you both need to be consistent in your boundaries, rules whether age appropriate or house rules as they can differ and consequences.

You say she will have to move out when she is 16 in the summer is that what you and your dh are saying or what she is saying?

thebestofit - I really feel for you. My sister went through exactly this with her 14-15 year old daughter. It involved her DD eventually beating her up and stealing her money. I think 'skunk' cannabis was involved. Not suggesting that in your case of course.

My sister is a nice decent woman, divorced but giving her kids a good life and is a loving Mum so you should feel no blame/shame for what is happening to you. It just happens sometimes.

Eventually - my sister worked out a solution that gave her DD space to live in a sort of safe house youth community/hostel when she was 16 but still come home when she wants to and have meals, wash clothes, see her younger brother and live a civilised family life but not be there all the time.

The big problem was the DD could travel round London on the bus and tube for free on a child pass at 14 - 15 so my sister never knew here she was at any hour and could not make her come home. Her DD could physically go anywhere she liked in London at any time of day or night.

Maybe, you can talk to social services and work out the same sort of 'half way house' solution. I don't really know what it is called though. It was hard to get into and there was a waiting list.

its what she is saying and today its what i am saying[to myself]

shes getting up

it will be extremly difficult for her to get any kind of housing. Social Serivices will be reluctant to house her as she isnt a child in care. Housing will also be reluctant to house her and each borough works differently. The borough i live in offers mediation as their first approch so that she can continue living with you. Thing is there are so few places a 16 yera old can live without support.

is she ok at school????

when is the legal age you can move out fully,18?
some young people of 16 round here live in rented accomms and she knows this,some of her friends have done it"as they don't get on with their parents"
i don't think they have ss support

moving out would be her way to do completely as she pleases basically
i think it is too young but i can't control her

the thing is if she does manage to get into some sort of accomodation who will be supporting her financially? who supports her friends in this way?

please advise me what to do now~
ask for apology?
let her out with no comment?
it is school hols

she has just gone past me not spoken

her dad went to work today said"i don't want to hear anymore"and i have young child to look after

do you have any boundaries in place for her at the moment ???? does she ask if she can go out? is she normally out all day everyday?

you say you have been keeping the peace letting her do what she wanted
her dad tells you to be firmer,so out of the blue she is suddenly disciplined
he is inconsistent and won't back you up

you have to have a united front

you can't allow her to do what she wants and call you a effing bitch

you and your husband have to sit together and establish some ground rules

hope custardo sees this thread,she is the teen guru

recently last few weeks if she is asked not to do something she is increasingly angry tho occ ok,last night she just screamed in my face i'll do what i fing well want and go where i fing well want,you won't be able to find me

i think i would sit her down and begin by telling her you want a sensible chat with her now she is getting older etc etc.
I do think dh is not helping matters at all.

it is unfair that you have to do this alone can you not get dh to sit down with you tonight so you can discuss this with him?

in the mean time you have to inform her that if she 'disappears' and you dont know where she is the police will be called.

My bro is a police man ad belive you me when they eventually get with these young people they really give them what for as they consider it not a good use of their working day looking for a 15 year old who decides she wants to do as she wishes.

often young people act 'big and hard' but crumble when faced with the realities of life

My step daughter is rather similar at the moment. Her mum is having a really tough time, so i do sympathise.

I htink if her friends have moved out etc then it looks like a nice life, no parents etc to them.

Dsd used t say that once she was 16, that was it, she was moving out. She is now 16 and still at home, fortuntaley! Dh spoke to her a while ago about the way she speaks ot her mum, and that her mum had rules for her because she loves and wants to protect her. Thsi did actually have an effect for a while.

Now we are trying ot get her through her GCSEs and then see what happens. She is a bright girl, but doesn't always attend school, or participate when there.

Are you giving her any money? (I mean as well as feeding and clothing her, providing accommodation, hot water, heating etc?)

Who provides her with phone,phone credit/computer etc?

Are drugs/alcohol part of the picture?

Who does her washing/ironing?

IME these are the things that teenagers take for granted, and the provision of them should provide the basis for an acceptable code of behaviour.

I would start by taking away as many of the above as possible, to be earned back by good behaviour.

United parental front is essential.

X posts with Mrs J

Custy is good on teens.

Previously I have seen recommended on here a complete emptying of the bedroom (mattress only left) and 'earning back' all belongings and privilages.

Good luck.

sorry - drugs/alcohol shouldn't have been in that list, obviously. They are a separate issue.

take all her stuff off her - phone, games systems, make up

tell her she is grounded its your way or the highway.

tell her that she is under your guardianship until she is 18.
tell her she can run away all she likes the police will bring her back

tell her you want to be spoken to with respect and you wish to be treated with coutesy.

right now - get a bin back and bin everything.

she wants a life - remind her it needs to be paid for

and ffs DONT start whinging that the phone cost £200 or something - just bloody bin it.

stand on it

rendr it useless

take a fork to the make up

and make her realise that these things cost money.

now it doesn't have to be done in a onfrontational way - the act itself is confrontation enough.

wait until she isn't in the room and get rid of the phone and make up.

just tell her that she is no longer allowed these things and she will be able to get new ones when she earns them - she will be able to keep the new ones when she earns it - with her attitude change.

get a backbone - this is alpha female primaevil shit - you can't let her thing she is alpha female in your house or your doomed.