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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

swearing and shouting wanting no boundaries,i can't see a way forward

175 replies

thebestofit · 06/04/2009 09:09

our dd is angry about staying out and having her own way without permission
when i picked her uplast night and said she had to come home not stay at friends house she went mad screaming and shouting at me in the street and car i was actually a bit scared.
I had been keeping the peace letting her do more or less as she pleased within reason but her dad said to be firmer so i grounded her for going out without permission but she won't stick to the grounding just stays out.When i went to get her she became totally out of contrl f*ing and blinding,calling me a fing b*ch and said she would run off.
I feel very worried and don't know whether to call parentline[if she is out] or actually wish i myself could just leave as her dad is inconsistent and not helping and i can't take any more.
she is 16 in the summer and if this carries on she'll have to move out i don't know if that involves a social worker or not.
Any genuine advice please but don't be too ott in what you say as this is becoming very worrying and fragile

OP posts:
Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 10:11

she is refusing to let boyf come here becos we disapprove after hearing he was supposed to be in trouble with the police,? drugs,lives in caravan outside his parents home,they are alcoholics[maybe in past i'm not sure]with a story of violence in past[allegedly again]but i'm quite ok with him coming over,but not overnight.
Told her last night 6 months after we meet a boyf,know him,he is decent boy,then a boyf can stay over.I am not a snob it is her welfare is my priority.
Everyone knows everyone here but this boy was new to the school and i don't know him ~he lives further away from school.

OP posts:
kentmumtj · 07/04/2009 10:12

i agree you must try to keep the lines of communication open i do know exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through without me explaining too much detail my 2 dd is also 15 and i have very similar issues plus some more.

I talk to the school frequently and she is now on daily report, her b/f is older and 17 we have met him and told him in no uncertain terms that having a g/f of 15 is certainly going to be diff to his usualy g/f of 17 and our dd will have more rules/boundaries in place.

for my dd its her self esteem that is really low as well as her confidence and she has shown that she is incredibly vulnerbale with the 'things' she has got upto in the past.
As parents we can not stop loving them and laying down the 'rules' can be difficult as i know only to well.

I wouldnt want you to get into a place that i was where i was too strict and too tough and she began self harming amongst other things.

i do think you need to meet the b/f and the thig is even if you dont approve you have to accept its her choice and try make it into the best scenario possible.
Try to talk with your daughter about sex even if you dont approve if she is having sex you are not going to be able to stop it no matter how much you shout/rant/rave. I am prob with most parents here and do not agree that such young people should get sexually involved as they do not realise that sex carriers emotions with it. Especially for girls for boys it is more amechanical act of pleasure. You must talk about her protecting herself from the dangers of sti and pregnancy.

i have worked with so many teenage mums for many years and now and they are simply not ready to be a parent and are confused between love and sex. Not all but most.

Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 10:13

Any i think they are both very immature~my dd used to be v mature for her age but not atm

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/04/2009 10:15

it's a fine line to tread. if i were you i would be making my enquiries discreatly and not showing disapproval of the BF - or else she will become defensive and closed off.

and get her some contraception as previously mentioned.

kentmumtj · 07/04/2009 10:16

as for staying over night again this is your choice but my choice is in my house this is a no.

A BIG NO

i have told my childrenwho are old enough and over the age limit that this is a house rule not an age rule, i have explained to them that if they were in a long stable relationship it may be different. My older dd has been with her b/f about 1 1/2 years and she has never asked if he can stay overnight and i think its because she respects my house rule as it is my house.

again just keep talking about him, tell her you actaully want to meet him you may be surprised.

Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 10:19

kent mum agree totally thanks.I have talked about sex at length and her sense of self and safety.That is whati was trying to say yesterday~this grounding and getting cross[her but then voices get raised without meaning to]is wrong if its too heated as she got quite hysterical the night before last and i was scared she might start to self harm or something~i've never seen her like that it was scary~i thought she mught run off[but she didn't thankfully]

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/04/2009 10:19

I allowed the BF of my 15 yo daughter to sleep over - in her brothers room. he was a nice lad, and dd is a nice girl. As i am a Harridan as a rule i was confident that they would obey the 'no shagging' rule i explicitley told them about.

kentmumtj · 07/04/2009 10:20

oh er my previous post sounds like i made her self harm because of my to tough love and that was not the case this was soemthing she had already been doing and i think i prob made her feel worse and thsi worsened.

Kids ay whod have them

chimchar · 07/04/2009 10:20

thebesttofit.

i don't have teens, but i work with them...

you have had loads of good advice here, and lots to think about.

i like the idea of day zero, where a line is drawn and you all start afresh with the new rules and boundaries that you have both agreed on...

it does sound as if your dd may be sexually active, or certainly is interested in having sex, and it would be good if you can give her permission (for want of a better word)to access contraception and condoms...whether she goes with or without you.

i would stand firm on not staying over with the boyfriend, but let her know that he is welcome in your house at any time, with your permission (not sneaking him in at midnight!!)

i think that the secret is clear boundaries, and clear consequences if the boundaries are not adhered to...ie..i'd like you to come home by 10 o'clock tonight please because you need to get up for school tomorrow. if you're not home by 10, then you'll not be allowed on the pc after school/you'll have to stay in on friday night/not be allowed to the cinema with your friends...that way, you give her some control over her fate!!!

i hope that you can work through this...it sounds like the lines of communication are open and are starting to get a little better.

Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 10:22

will find out more about BF but keep inviting him over
have to go out with lo back 1 hr thanks all you are all being amazing

OP posts:
Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 16:28

she is a bit off today but not actually rude making a fuss about going overnight to friends but said later as wanted to finish rules

OP posts:
kentmumtj · 07/04/2009 17:45

just keep going

Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 17:49

is back with friend so can have tea and will take them both over to hers later~good

OP posts:
Original poster
thebestofit · 07/04/2009 17:51

main thing we haven't achieved yet is sanctions that will be for not following boundaries~i'm worried about making it too complicated or strict

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/04/2009 20:59

ask her to make them up.

in the past with my sons - after they did something wrong, i asked them to negotiate the punishment with me - in my head i had what i wanted - and they are often harsher than you yourself would be.

chimchar · 08/04/2009 08:00

keep at it.
i agree with custardo...let her decide a fair punishment.

its also ok to say to her that you're very annoyed, or disappointed, or unsure about how to deal with something and that you need to have a think about something and you'll get back to her in a while...you can then let the haet out of a situation and think rationally...

stick to it..it sounds fairly positive so far.

oh god, how i worry about the teenage years to come!

sugarbabe · 08/04/2009 09:47

You have some fantastic advice here...
the only thing I will add is don't forget to tell her you love her

Original poster
thebestofit · 08/04/2009 09:47

she said yesterday"I only agreed to those rules so i can stay at boyfs so i'm not agreeing them if i can't"Hopefully this is just fighting talk and i will get her to go over her own rules tonight.Have offered to go and pick up boyf and drop him back again?saturday

Her bestfriend is now being allowed to stay at her boyfs~its like a competition

At least it was more "normal" last night with her friend for tea and then gave them a lift~how it used to be.Will try and think of better things for them all to do like cinema theatre and offer lifts there and back

OP posts:
Original poster
thebestofit · 08/04/2009 09:56

sugarbabe~very true,I do but being a very reasoning and reserved person i do find that more difficult as theyget older~my dad was exactly the same but worse~he doted on me but couldn't express it[well he could in his own way].we're all quite proud~dd too and its getting those barriers down.I love her more thanlife but i'm a bit deep and not very easy with my emotions.I find it easier to say i really care about you and want to support you and do write her cards and letters but i admit i find it hard to be very open and expressive as its not in my nature

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/04/2009 10:04

I think that custy's advice would be a step too far for a teen who is not showing these issues. The OP's daughter is having sex, smoking, treating her like shit, threatening her, going out when she chooses. And what does she get in return? No challenges, money to do what she likes, no rules!

Also, she needs contraception. You cannot say "I don't approve" to her and expect that to be it and then say that you don't want to condone it by getting her contraception sorted. What will you do when she is pregnant or contracts an STI?

You have to show her that you are the boss! Because currently, she is, how ridiculous is that? You need to cut off her money for a start.

It is wrong for you to be scared of your DD. Maybe you have got used to it because it's been going on a while but it's not going to get any better because you write some rules on a sheet of paper.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/04/2009 10:06

You also need to stop paying any attention whatsoever to what her friends are supposedly doing. I mean, we all know that they say these things, but seriously, put them out of your head, they do not affect you. You should not parent her according to what other people are doing with her friends. Concentrate on your issues.

Original poster
thebestofit · 08/04/2009 10:20

I'm not scared of her ~i was scared when she was hysterical two nights ago that she might run off or self harm~she didn't

OP posts:
gardengrump · 08/04/2009 20:36

Common sense will tell her that you're hardly going to let her spend the night at the house of someone you've never met. Perhaps in the future when you know him and trust him (and have spoken to his Mum) you may let him stay at yours or vice versa, but at the moment you don't even know him.
My Mum has NEVER said she loves me! I remember once she said I was a "good girl" and I treasure that, she always puts love on cards. Does your DD see you giving kisses and cuddles to your DS? I've never seen or heard my Mum be affectionate so have never been jealous or that bothered really as I know she loves me, but if I saw her being all kissy cuddly with a LO, I might get a bit jealous. Just a thought...

Original poster
thebestofit · 08/04/2009 20:39

I do give her hugs and tell her i care and write emotional cardslike letters but i admit i don't find it so easy to be as expressive as i was when she was younger

OP posts:
kentmumtj · 10/04/2009 12:05

just keep going you really have to get the rules and sanctions sorted sooner rather than later ........ all kids need boundaries what ever they say

as for what her friends do according to her.... well if i had £1 for everytime mine said that i would be a very rich person.

Like i say to my dc if they are allowd to do whatever they want then their parents cant really care for them like i care for you. they dont like it but i think there is some truth in it, or the parents are glassy eyed to what teenagers are up to etc etc

Ask her to do an easter egg hunt around the house and in the garden this weekend thats what mine are doing and no matter what their age they enjoy these annual rituals i put them through lol

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