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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

swearing and shouting wanting no boundaries,i can't see a way forward

175 replies

thebestofit · 06/04/2009 09:09

our dd is angry about staying out and having her own way without permission
when i picked her uplast night and said she had to come home not stay at friends house she went mad screaming and shouting at me in the street and car i was actually a bit scared.
I had been keeping the peace letting her do more or less as she pleased within reason but her dad said to be firmer so i grounded her for going out without permission but she won't stick to the grounding just stays out.When i went to get her she became totally out of contrl f*ing and blinding,calling me a fing b*ch and said she would run off.
I feel very worried and don't know whether to call parentline[if she is out] or actually wish i myself could just leave as her dad is inconsistent and not helping and i can't take any more.
she is 16 in the summer and if this carries on she'll have to move out i don't know if that involves a social worker or not.
Any genuine advice please but don't be too ott in what you say as this is becoming very worrying and fragile

OP posts:
Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 11:39

she hadn't asked for a lift and there was not enough time i gave her 3pounds and told her to take a sandwich as she didn't want me to make one.she said she doesn't know what she is doinglater i said we have to have sit down to do ground rules she agreed but did not want to agree to my time 8.30 tonight
i said she is not allowed just to stay out she has to ask permission to go out
ground rules?

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Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 11:42

rehearsal is for a show which is a good thing that she does

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Tortington · 06/04/2009 11:42

you gave her bus fare

why?

CreativeZen · 06/04/2009 11:42

I don't see how your dh can just absolve himself of all responsibility like that. Your dd has two parents and you should both be taking responsibility for her.

I agree with custy's advice. Re phone, buy her a very basic one on PAYT and only top it up so she can contact you. If she runs down the credit for no reason, don't top it up. You can always call her if you need to see how she is.

No money for going out - she has to earn it. Don't do washing, etc. for her. Get her to do it herself.

I do think it would help for all of you to sit down and discuss what the issues are for each of you. Give her the opportunity to express herself (without shouting or swearing), but in turn she has to agree to listen to what you have to say.

Is there a compromise you can reach? Many teens just want to know that their views are being listened to and that they have some say in how they lead their lives, subject to their safety and you looking out for their long-term future.

Tortington · 06/04/2009 11:42

does she like it?

CreativeZen · 06/04/2009 11:45

Book is "Get out of my life .... but first take me and Alex into town". Have read some, but must try and finish it.

Also useful "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk."

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 11:51

the show?~yes

the trouble i have is seeing both points of view like
~she's gone out while grounded must tell her to come home or is weak or
~shouldn't show her up at her age in front of friends[that was her fury last night when she initially refused to get in the car]

also i'm doing a course of action her dad said to do but maybe i didn't agree with then its led to bad behaviour and more conflict

i'm so hurt by what she said and wondering if i get cross or frustrated she thinks i hate her

i hate conflict and am having to fight the urge to escape[like her]

i think i should leave her dad ~but i feel she needs the stability but at the same time its not working

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gardengrump · 06/04/2009 11:51

I hated my Mum from 16 to 18/19. I think it's quite normal. You have to know in your heart that it doesn't matter if she says she hates you or loves you she still lives in your house so must follow your rules. You may not like her at the moment, but you do love her deep down I'm sure. If dh is being rubbish then tell him straight, yes, I will deal with it, so what I say goes, be that letting her out or keeping her in. All he has to do is agree with you in front of dd. Simply saying "do as your Mother says" or, "If it's OK with your Mum it's OK with me".
You're clearly feeling a bit rubbish today so it might be best to leave discussions til you're feeling strong and assertive. What will make you feel like that? Seeing a friend/family? Having a haircut on your own without your DS? Get away from the situation for a bit - even stay at a mates yourself for the night without telling dd? Once you've got away for a bit - an hour/a night or 2, you might start to feel a bit happier to assert your rules.

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 11:53

maybe shes being like this cos she feels unloved cos of all the conflict

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CreativeZen · 06/04/2009 11:54

How old is her little brother? Could some of this be attention-seeking because you spend most of your time look after him?

How about arranging a girly day out? Go shopping, have some lunch, choose some make up together. Or is that too uncool for her? Give you the chance to connect again and perhaps begin to like each other again.

gardengrump · 06/04/2009 11:58

Maybe, but you don't sound like you feel loved just now by dh or dd either. You want to escape so why don't you? a short term escape now may prevent a long term escape that you don't want later.

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 11:59

yes she is jealous i think cos when he was little i was always on my own and dh did nothelp and he was ill
she used to be my biggest fan
we do do shopping and lunch and hairdosetc but its temporary and then she hates me again

i think she felt pushed out by the younger one,and i don't think she will forgive me shes really got it in for me personally atm

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Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 12:01

her little bro was ill i mean

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3littlefrogs · 06/04/2009 12:05

Can you and she talk about that time? She needs to understand that ds was ill.

As I said - I think your husband is the main problem here.

Maybe some family counselling would help?

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 12:08

yes i hate my dh and come to think about it i'm not surprised she wants to get out~so do I
if i had done that long ago i wouldn't be in this mess now.

she manipulates us one against the other and thats why i got so cross last week~cross with her and him

but he can't communicate and is hardly ever involved with family problems~unless to make it worse by coming in having a go at everyone for a few minutes then going off

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Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 12:11

i'm going to try and have a quick bath my eyes are so swollen from crying i don't want the little one to see

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Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 12:18

i need to calm down what if someone calls

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LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 06/04/2009 12:50

at this point, i would be more angry with your unsupportive H than your daughter

he cannot wash his hands of her

does he co parent your son?

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 12:56

the little one~yes but still undermines me
the older one~no

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LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 06/04/2009 12:58

i think he has to take responsibility, you cannot decide it is too hard to parent, so you are removing yourself.

i am sorry you are struggling and that he is making it harder

you need to take a hard line and a consistent one with your daughter regardless of your DH

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 13:09

I am a bit calmer now thank you all for your posts will read them carefully today
dh has come home early

can you post what are fair groundrules for her age

she thinks i say no to everything so think treating her more like an adult might work~she is a bright girl

but she will also go all out for her own way

she also wants to keep her friends and thinks keeping her in will sabotage that

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CreativeZen · 06/04/2009 13:14

Most teenagers (and younger) will insist that they are the only one of their crowd that has to be in by a certain time, wear certain clothes, etc. etc. But I bet you anything that most of her friends are telling their parents exactly the same thing.

It might be helpful to speak to her friends' mums and ask what ground rules they have so that, when you suggest them and she instantly disses them as being outrageous and will make her the laughing stock of her crowd, you can counter with the information that, actually, these are the rules that her friends' parents impose.

Have you said how old she is?

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2009 13:21

Custy, you rock. Wish my mam had been like you, bloody hell my life would have been different....

Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 13:38

i spoke to her friends mum last night when i said she was not allowed to sleep over
she was niceand had same problem last year
forgot to say not to mention it ~but it would have come out last night anyway

the other mum i have not spoken to~ god only knows what she thinks after what my dd is saying~we will probably get a call from ss perhaps i'd better speak to her too

my dd is ballistically angry about me speaking to the other mums tho~"treating her like a 2 yr old and ruining her friendships and making her look stupid"

this is becos the other young people wandering around locally have no boundaries whatsoever and no and i mean no supervision[the boys, some of whom are on probation]

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Original poster
thebestofit · 06/04/2009 13:40

sorry she is 15,
i think even the girls are pretty free but it would be good to ask~good idea as they might have a curfew time or certain no of sleepovers per week

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