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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my 16 yr old ds is having sex with his 15 yr old gfriend.

161 replies

maltesers · 08/02/2005 13:00

do you mums think it is wrong that my ds of 16, 17 in april is having sex with his 15 yr old girlfriend? Know she is underage, but guess it doesnt matter what i say if theyre going to do it they will. she is on the pill and he is using comdoms. feel he could have waited another year especially as she is only 15, but her mum is all ok it seems bout it. she picks her dd up from our house at least three times a week. cant always stay in to make sure their feet are on the floor.

OP posts:
hotmama · 08/02/2005 13:59

Newsflash - teenagers have sex!

I think that a bit of flexibility is needed as it depends on the maturity of the individuals involved - these teenagers seem quite mature as they are at least behaving responsibly by using contraception and have at least mentioned what they are doing to parents. As a parent, I don't think you could ask for more - well you could but I think you probably would be disappointed.

You are obviously have done a grand job as a parent if your ds is having this discussion with you.

Age limits differ by country, I believe that the age of consent in other parts of Europe is 14 - so if they had a day trip to Calais had a shag and came back again then that would be O.K?

Surely it depends on the age of the individuals - and the age difference - two mid-teens O.K - 30yr old fella and 15yr girl - no chuffing way!

As a parent. I think you would prefer that your ds's and dd's didn't start on this road too early because of such things as reputations, effects on school work and probably lots of broken hearts. However, it doesn't necessarily mean a lifetime of slapperhood - I was a youngster (nearly 15) and my boyfriend was nearly 17 - and we have been together for nearly 24 years.

PinkWebby · 08/02/2005 14:02

I was trying to leave the conversation on a positive note for the mother.

I have two young girls 6 and 21 months, at the moment I feel very protective about them, I have not got to the teenage years yet, who knows my opinion may change by then.

Thank you and goodbye, I must do some work before I lose my job.

Caligula · 08/02/2005 14:20

Sophable, one would hope so, but the law being what it is, I wouldn't count on it.

There were suggestions that clauses should be put in for precisely this kind of case - to ensure that teenage girls and boys are not going to be penalised and treated like perverts for doing something perfectly normal. But I didn't follow whether the government ever did amend the legislation. Maybe someone who works in the field knows?

sallystrawberry · 08/02/2005 14:25

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Original poster
maltesers · 08/02/2005 14:26

you really made me laugh hotmama, that coment bout a daytrip to calais for a shag and back.LOL LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
maltesers · 08/02/2005 14:30

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I AM SO GLAD MY DD OF 14 STILL HASNT HAD A BFRIEND YET.sorry caps off now. so glad she is not frolicking yet. would want her on the pill if she strts to have sex.

OP posts:
Potty1 · 08/02/2005 14:32

I have a 16 year old ds and IME they will do what they want to do, you can only guide and offer your opinion and support. maltesers you sound like you're doing a fine job.

Teenagers are a breed apart they really are. I'd love to come back to this thread in 10 years time and see just how the mums who are so disapproving are managing their teenagers. You may show your teen your disapproval but that doesn't mean they'll take any notice. If you thought the 'two's' were terrible, hold on to your hats

winnie · 08/02/2005 14:36

Maltesers, as a mother of a 15 year old daughter I think the fact that your son can talk to you about this is down to your parenting. The fact that they are practising safe sex has to be applauded.

My daughter is still a child in my eyes, but has the body of a gorgeous woman and the hormones of a teenager, although it hasn't happened yet (and we have the kind of relationship where it would come up) one day it will and I will just have to get over it. Imho, maltesers ds and his girlfriend are so close in age the fact that she is underage is almost irrelevant. I would be much more concerned if either of them were having sex (at their ages now) with people much older.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/02/2005 15:07

The law is not enforced in these sorts of cases - the police don't see the point, neither do the crown prosecution service. Here is a link saying as much.

HelloMama · 08/02/2005 15:34

As someone who works with young people using sexual health and contraceptive services, I think its wonderful that both of the people in this situation are able to be open with their parents about their relationship. It appears that they have both thought through their actions and are aware of the consequences, and this is a good sign of their maturity. Furthermore, should they have a problem, for example their contraception should fail them, or one of them have concerns about the relationship, they will probably feel able to seek advice and help before the situation becomes too serious.

Although 16 is under the age of consent for girls, it is not usually in the best interests of anyone if the boyfriend is charged. The new laws that have come into play in the Sexual Offences Act show more of a concern about a big gap in age difference, such as a 15 year old girl sleeping with a man who is in his mid-late 20's etc. This is because these relationships are not normally equal and there is usually some kind of coercion involved. I know there will always be exceptions to this and some people may well have very healthy relationships with a large age gap, but this tend to be exceptions rather than the rule when it concerns a very young girl and a much older boyfriend.

Anyway, keep doing whatever it is you're doing malteser and keep those lines of communication open. Your son will always be grateful that he can chat to you about anything

franch · 08/02/2005 15:49

I wouldn't presume to pass judgement or offer advice, because I haven't been there yet - DD is still little and her sibling isn't even born yet! Those of us with little ones would do well to heed the wisdom of those with more experience - I'm taking mental notes here and think many wise words have been said.

maltesers isn't in the ideal situation of her choosing but she sounds like a damn good mum to me.

charleypops · 08/02/2005 16:06

They're in a relationship, using protection and have told their parents. If I were you, I'd count my blessings. Like you say, they're going to do it anyway, if not in your house, then god knows where. In a few months she'll be legal.

I didn't have sex until I was 19 and I had no self respect or confidence. I was made to believe it was bad and dirty which had longer term consequences than if I'd felt more confident with it. I would have preferred to have had the self respect and confidence to feel that I could do what I wanted with my body, even if that did mean having underage sex.

I was shocked I must say when my younger sister told me she'd done it at 14 - she's a real studious and sensible type and I'd never had guessed. The ensuing conversations we had really opened my eyes to what a lot of kids get up to. Like WWW says, hormones are raging at that age and with such powerful force (even mine were, I just thought it dirty and beat myself up about it).

I agree with Socci and don't think having sex means your childhood is over.

Also if you were to disapprove and make them feel bad about this, what might that stop them from telling you in the future. Imo, there's much worse stuff to deal with as a teenager - not least drugs and alcohol and your boy will need to feel he can confide in you if he wanted to.

galaxy · 08/02/2005 16:16

I had sex with my 17 year old boyfriend when I was 15 and 3 months. We then moved in together at 17 and eventually married (before divorcing 10 years later).

We were having sex with condoms and I then went on the pill at 16. I thought my mum never knew but it turns out she overheard my bf's mother telling someone that her son was going out with jail bait and she had her suspicions.

Personally, I wish I hadn't lost my virginity so young but at the end of the day, at least I was only with one bloke and not several like many of my peers.

I had self-respect but thought that my relationship was solid enough to make that commitment.

pinkdiamond · 08/02/2005 16:29

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pinkdiamond · 08/02/2005 16:34

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happymerryberries · 08/02/2005 16:43

I think that it is excellent that your son is prepared to talk to you, and I think that this speaks volumes about the quality of your relationship.

That said I have a dd and I would not be wild about her having sex at that age. And yes, I do remember what it is like at that age, however I don;t think that it is always a wise, or even safe move.

I do think tha they are wise to use two forms of contraception and that using the condom will significanly reduce the risk fo reither of them geting as STD as well as preventing pregnancy. in addition it will reduce the girls rick of getting cervical cancer....early start to sex has been shown to give an increased risk of getting cervical cancer, by using a condon, they are reducing this risk to baseline levels.

piffle · 08/02/2005 17:00

I think a very large number of girls are having underage sex, consenting sex between young and nearly legal teens is very different than the dynamics between a older man/woman and a teenager.
I was allowed to have my boyfriends over at home as a 17 yr old, curiously I did not have sex until I was 18 and had left home.
I really hope that my son would tell me this too and I also agree that you have managed one thing that many parents cannot, and that is communication
I think the law really needs to differentiate, and as the mother of a son and a daughter I really hope that my daughter waits until she meets a respectful young chap and that my son is a respectful young chap, age it seems is irrelevent in all but law it would seem.
My morals told me to wait, although I smoked loads of pot

geekgrrl · 08/02/2005 17:07

it might also be worth bearing in mind that the age of consent varies from country to country, in germany for instance it´s 14 and noone would bat an eyelid at this scenario. i think they sound mature and sensible and you´ve obviously done a good job.

OTOH - am horrified at the thought of dd possibly having sex in only 10 years´ time

redsky · 08/02/2005 17:10

hi maltesers, I think it is fantastic that your ds can talk to you about sex, and that they are using contraception. Like you, I would be concerned about the girlfriend's age but I really don't think there is anything you can do or say to stop them having sex. I could easily be facing similar issues with my ds (17) but I don't think he is anywhere near having a girlfriend yet - or maybe I am being naieve.

oxocube · 08/02/2005 17:28

If anyone's interested, the age of consent here in Holland is 12!!!! Must admit to being a little shocked when I heard that one, not that I know of any 12 yr olds in a sexual relationship, mind you. Think maltesers' son and g/friend sound much more sensible and mature than I was at their age.

Cam · 08/02/2005 19:17

But in Holland there is a much lower rate of teenage pregnancy than in UK. Also they have lots of adverts for condoms on tv, something that we're still far too prudish to allow - how pathetic is that, the British are so sniggery about sex.

Caligula · 08/02/2005 19:21

And also on average, teenagers start sexual activity much later, according to surveys

Joolstoo · 08/02/2005 19:24

it may be a black and white to say its wrong and illegal Socci does that mean we just shrug our shoulders and say 'oh well, thats teenagers!'

I know its difficult but what message is that mother giving - 'I'm ok with it' FGS!

Cam · 08/02/2005 19:26

No Joolstoo we face reality and help them to understand how necessary contraception is, etc.

Cam · 08/02/2005 19:27

The 15 year old g/friend mentioned here must have had the pill prescribed, and the doctor would know her age.