Help! How do you stop kids bypassing internet / phone controls to watch porn?

[Namechangedisaster]

Just this. I've just realised that DS is accessing adult content via proxies. I thought I had iphone locked down with parental controls on the device (via Screen Time) and by the provider (all parental controls set appropriately and regularly updated and checked).

Aparently this all counts for nothing, because teens know more about tech than we do. He's accessing the entire web via proxies and this has got around all my controls.

I had NO IDEA this was a thing.

Apart from taking the phone away, what can I do to stop this? I feel absolutely sick about what he has already seen

Sounds like you need to have some very frank and uncomfortable conversations. If you are not prepared to take the phone away and he can get around any controls you put on, you need to give him the info he needs not to be taken in by porn and have an understanding of the realities of watching it.

I'm sure there are some positive male role models who give talks on this kind of thing, but I don't know names.

I think you would need to give him a brick phone if he is doing that. How old is he? I would definitely give a teenager a brick if they were doing this. That’s some determination.

https://parentshield.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22298576110&gbraid=0AAAAAC33fGx0woBZqqtjrVmeNpAi0XmFG&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrZiKmMy7lwMV8ZhQBh1I7TGiEAAYASAAEgJHwvD_BwE

No unsupervised internet access. You're highly unlikely to do that, since you haven't been, so if this is a child under 16 you take away all devices. Supervision or no access.

He's 13 and clever. Unfortunately, much cleverer than me it seems. If I take away his phone, I worry he'll just get another one - he's very sociable and I expect one of his friends will just give him one with a pay as you go SIM. Meaning I would have zero control.

I suspect that actually lot of teenagers are doing this and parents just aren't checking the phones enough to know.

Unfortunately our home is full of smart devices - TVs, ipads, laptops and phones. I thought parental controls on the router would protect them, but clearly it doesn't.

I will install parent shield on his phone, thank you. What else (apart from removing all devices from our home) can we take? I'm not very tech savvy but I am trying to learn.

Take the bloody phone off him!!!!

If you aren’t tech savvy then pay someone to do it for you. You can make an iPhone safe for a teen to use. He’ll still be able to see stuff on his friends phones but you can stop him watching it on his own phone. Parents always seem to think it’s because their kids are too clever for them but it’s generally not that and it’s because the parents are not prepared to restrict the phones enough. There are plenty of online guides on how to do it and AI can talk you through it.

Remove the phone. Give him no money to top up a pay and you go, he’s hardly going to anfmit porn use to his friends and have an alert set so that anything that joins your WiFi is flagged so you can block it.
SD was doing similar so we removed all access to the Internet unsupervised and blocked new devices joining.
then have a very open but firm conversation with him about what he’s seen, why is inappropriate and why you won’t be allowing it in your home again

For everyone saying take the phone away, do you have teenagers yourselves? Do you understand that they do ALL their socialising on a phone and that they'll just pick up another one?

It's as unrealistic as telling an adult to not have a phone. It's 2026 all kids have phones, ALL of them. Some of them have multiple phones, and nearly all kids live in houses where old cast offs are available...

Removing the phone is kicking a dangerous grenade down the road. Better than being in the house, to be fair, but at some point he will get it back. Or use a laptop, or go to a library....

Have you got any parental controls on the phone at all?

I have done this and followed all the steps I can find. They didn't prevent him from accessing VPNs / proxies though. Can you point me in the right direction for that please?

Knowing what a VPN is doesn’t make him techie and intelligent. It’s pretty basic information that my kids had heard of before secondary school.

Is he using the home wifi or data?

Are the parental controls on his phone?

Have you logged into the router at home and blocked vpns or just porn? Does he have social
media? It sounds like he could have multiple accounts and a finsta as you are a parent who doesn’t check.

I’d be removing access to the devices too.

Yes! I have parental controls on both the phone AND the router. They don't block out proxies and VPNs get round them though. This is the problem I am trying to solve and I can't find any informaiton on how to do it.

The Parent Sheild mentioned above doesn't seem to help either. No mention of these on their website.

I do check. That's how I know this is happening.

And I don't understand how to block VPNs on the router, clearly. What do I need to do please?

He is using Wifi and Data

BOTH have moderate standard EE parental controls on them

He's not going to access porn at the library!

We literally have no old phones or laptops in the house. At 13, my DC were not allowed tech in their bedrooms at all. He can socialise as long as you're in the room and have an eye. If he disobeys the rules then he loses the tech for a certain amount of time. Tough luck on socialising. If he's not listening to you at all at 13 then you have much more major problems. If you put restrictions on that handset, how do you know he won't pick up another one if you have loads lying around. You need to get rid of them or give them to a friend to store.

He's 13, he is not with us all the time. I work, DH works, school finishes at 3:15.

I have a laptop, his brother does, DH has two (one for work, one personal). We have two smart TVs in communal areas. No phones or tech allowed in bedrooms ever, router gets switched off completely between 11 and 7.

We thought we had covered everything, but we have not. I genuinely need help here and more than just take the tech away and burn it (which believe me, I would love to do. All of it has just made our lives more miserable and here I am, typing away just feeling more and more hopeless as this thread goes on!).

First of all where would be getting another phone from ? Does he have a job and money to buy a new one. Take the phone him he won’t be accessing porn at the library or anywhere else. Hide the laptop he can use when you are home. You are being to passive imo. He’s 13 years old !

Honestly have you have a conversation about porn and sex with him?

You need to talk to him about it. You need to ask him about it, what he's seen, what he thinks about it, how real he thinks it is. Even if you stop him watching it now he has seen it and it's going to have settled in his brain and you need to unpick it with him. Embarrassing all round. Advice from Common Sense Media about how to start.

How is he getting round the age checks they all have now?

If I take the phone (which obviously, I will do as soon as he gets home from school) then are you suggesting I never give it back? If I do that, he can use the cash his grandparents will give him at christmas and buy another one. Pay as you go SIM. He could be back online by boxing day and none of us would have a clue.

We bought him the phone so that we could control it. All I'm asking here is can I?

I’d talk to his friends parents and ask what they’re doing? You’ll have to join forces because it’s a lot easier when parents are of a similar mindset.

Age controls do not work if you use proxies to access the sites.

ALL teenagers know this (ask one).

The government also know this - but so far, have done nothing about it. More information about this is here: www.techradar.com/vpn/vpn-privacy-security/we-decided-not-to-limit-vpns-uk-government-u-turns-on-age-gating-privacy-tools