Help! How do you stop kids bypassing internet / phone controls to watch porn?

[Namechangedisaster]

Just this. I've just realised that DS is accessing adult content via proxies. I thought I had iphone locked down with parental controls on the device (via Screen Time) and by the provider (all parental controls set appropriately and regularly updated and checked).

Aparently this all counts for nothing, because teens know more about tech than we do. He's accessing the entire web via proxies and this has got around all my controls.

I had NO IDEA this was a thing.

Apart from taking the phone away, what can I do to stop this? I feel absolutely sick about what he has already seen

This is what I did. But then Apple changed their privacy policy and I took my eye off the ball due to other serious family issues.. there must have been a couple of weeks where we weren't checking the settings properly. I just did again this morning and have seen what he's been accessing and I'm playing serious catch up here because I was not checking for VPNs or kids using proxys to get round controls.

To be fair to DS, I never said he couldn't download VPNs and look at porn. It simply had not occurred to me that he might be doing that.

I thought I was pretty clued up (more so than any parents I talk to IRL for sure) but I was completely stupid.

Where do you live? I would love to move there! We're unfortunately in a techy town with a lot of very liberal parents here.

South London Town. Very strict and high performing secondary schools. Not particularly wealthy - a complete melting pot of lifestyles.

Interesting. I have friends with kids in London and they tell a similar story (some, not all of them) - kids and parents getting more aware of the dangers of tech.

It hasn't reached here yet, lots of parents like me I suspect, feeling powerless and ignorant.

Not sure that you can..They are going to be one step ahead of their parents . For us we took son's mobile away in the late evening but that probably wasn't enough. I think they say most boys have seem pOrn by about 11 or 12 now, Sadly similar for girls too. Good luck.

Not sure that you can..They are going to be one step ahead of their parents . For us we took son's mobile away in the late evening but that probably wasn't enough. I think they say most boys have seem pOrn by about 11 or 12 now, Sadly similar for girls too. Good luck.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. I use my phone and laptop a lot, I am not always 100% available to DS.

We need to talk to him about this stuff and have some difficult conversations.

Apologies if this has already been said. I would approach this from a different angle then purely banning tech. At some point if he's determined or even if he waits till he is an adult then he is free to have all the porn he wants. But he deserves to know the truth and consequences of that. Effectively what he loses out on by viewing pornography.

What's your stand on porn op? Are you against it full stop or just don't want him accessing it as a child?

For me personally my husband and I don't want our children accessing pornography ideally at all at any age. But it's not enough for us to just say don't. It's needs to be personal to them and they need to have tangible reasons of why its not good for them, it needs to be there choice.
Obviously as adults they get to choose Or change their mind. We started these conversations early. Its very boring and normal dinner time talk now. My 11 year old already had firm views on pornography.

So guardrails absolutely but realistically if he wants to he is going to at some point. I'd start with education first. What is he looking for porn to provide? Novelty? Numbing out? How does he use pornography when he is lonely, bored anxious? Does he understand the effects on his brain. Does he know how addictive it is. Does he understand the manipulation money and research that goes on to make it addictive. All of this must come from a place of curiosity rather than shaming him.

Interesting take. If it makes you feel any better Shoobadadoo I am annoyed at myself for plenty of things - this being just one of many.

I do wonder sometimes why people on this site read posts from women who are clearly in distress and they think, hey this would be great time to put the boot in and make a complete stranger feel even worse about themselves...

I was asking for help. But thanks for reading anyway.

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. Until this morning, I didn't have a clue that he was watching it.

My view is that porn debases women, normalises male control and sexual violence and ruins men's expectations of sex for the rest of their lives.

It genuinely did not occur to me to have that conversation yet.

I will now.

I know tons, like I know tons of 12, 14 years old without phones! Just take his phone away from him, you have such a defeatist attitude OP. It won't be easy but it can and has been done before

Tbh you can't stop them if they want to.
You need to have some conversations and discuss why he wants to, what happens to the women (explain trafficking and drugging issues etc) and suggest that he isn't doing his mind or body many favours - the equivalent of a hamburger diet daily for the brain and senses.

Oh it's not easy op. Have some grace with yourself. As parents We are just trying to do he best with the knowledge we have at the time. Government's and massive tech companies could absolutely be doing more to protect children and us all. But unfortunately money makes the world go round.

I'd take the time to educate yourself on pornography and spend some time thinking where you stand with it. So you can answer the questions that will come confidently. It's also OK to have moments of vunerable curiosity together with your son that maybe you research together because you dont know the answers. I find for boys particularly the science and facts can be a great way in to this topic. Very few of them want to feel the are being manipulated or "used" thus not in control. Solid facts and evidence can help them question the whole thing.

I counsel pornography addicts some unfortunately as young as 9. Check out your brain on porn. Org for some great personal accounts of boys and men detailing how pornography has impacted them.

Thank you. I have been a victim of sexual violence myself, unfortunately, so I find porn upsetting and quite triggering.

I'll have a look at that site after a strong cup of tea and after having a word with myself.

I really apreciate you taking time to help, MightyGoldBear. This is hard.

Ironically@MightyGoldBear I can't access that site. It's being filtered out by the parental controls!

He will be embarrassed but that is not a reason not to have a chat. Things we don't talk about don't improve.

If you feel comfortable sharing your experiences with him I would be prepared for him to ask and plan what you would say that is age appropriate. Being open will help him understand far more than set text will.

I think if more mum's did have these conversations it would help our boys talk about reality/internet and keep them away from the dangerous sites when they realise that women don't actually just lounge about in lacy pants all day hoping for any man. I can imagine it feels quite disarming for the lads who have grown up watching this to discover most women didn't get the memo.

Could you not give a different apple ID for his phone and have your own log in? He’ll need you to fill out the password to download any apps (which is how he’ll access VPNs).

You also can’t log out of it without a password - do you currently have this set up?

I’d also approach this in a different way I think - and I have two kids, now adults - one is 28 and one is 19 - so I’ve been through this kind of stuff

13 is too young to be looking at porn online. So maybe make that your first ‘hard line.’ (Of course any age isn’t great but 13 is not acceptable and you need to make sure he is clear on that)

So I’d start by talking to him. Foster an environment where he can tell you anything. Of COURSE he is going to want to look at this stuff - human nature isn’t it? But you need to stress to him that it’s not going to happen and how does he intend to work with you to ensure it doesn’t?

What does he use his phone for? What does he want to use it for? What does he feel is acceptable usage? What can you both compromise on? What can you do to look like you’re ‘giving’ whilst being very firm on no porn sites?

So I’d start the ball rolling by talking. In an ideal world yes, take the phone. But we don’t live in an ideal world and he will just access it without your knowledge so you need to get smart with him and be one step ahead

I totally understand where you’re coming from. DD is older now so I have no control over what she uses her phone for. I don’t always think a ban is the answer..they need to be taught how to navigate the online world. Anecdotally my DN had no phone or online access at home as a teen and got caught using porn sites on her friend’s device. There’s no easy answer.

Thanks but I don’t quite understand, sorry. Tech is not my strong point. At the moment our whole family share an account - all iPhones with unique log ins, but we have family sharing. Is that what you mean? I have control of his phone and can access his phone information with a passcode and change settings then lock it.

I sometimes wonder whether restricting his phone so much might actually be part of the problem. He’s the only one of his friends with parents who check the kids phones and take them away (we actually used to lock them in a box overnight). Maybe this has not fostered enough trust. Sorry to hear about your DN. Sadly my DN was forced to watch porn by boys on her school bus. I don’t think it’s possible to fully protect your children from this (unless you switch off your router and home school them with books). Anyone who thinks it might be is not paying attention.

It’s brilliant that London schools are banning phones, that’s a good start. Where I live the secondaries just lock them in pouches, so kids all still have them on their way home.

Buy a device called a 'brick'. It will allow you to block all apps apart from ones you choose. I use one for my own phone. It basically turns his phone into a brick phone.

And yes, 13 is way too young to be watching porn.

If this was my kids I would just turn off the wifi to the house entirely for a while? No Netflix but we'll all live.

If you're not massively techy ask chat gpt to write you out really simple instructions with diagrams as necessary

Honestly I don’t think you can, I mean by all means try everything but I think if they’re determined and smart enough they’ll find a way. Personally I had a very honest chat with mine that it’s normal to be curious, however I did quite honestly tell them that a lot of women are pressured and forced into those scenarios, and is that really what you want to encourage and facilitate. I also repeatedly told them it gives them a false view of real life sex and bodies and that repeated use often ends up damaging real relationships. We had this conversation and many others from about 11 onwards when done little kid showed one of mine in school in year 7 x

Children who break a) the law and b) my rules for phones simply do not get to have devices.