Feeling sidelined as my teen prefers her dad's more conventional home

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

My DD’s dad was emotionally abusive during our relationship and maintained an inappropriate “friendship” with another woman, now his wife. Over the years he has often prioritised her children over our DD, and DD has repeatedly told me she feels she rarely gets one‑to‑one time with him, that he treats all the children exactly the same, and that promises he makes often don’t happen. She likes her step‑siblings but feels pushed out and has had issues with them interfering with her things when younger.

He won’t buy essentials unless I ask (uniform, shoes), but will buy her expensive clothes right after I’ve saved up to get her something. He has refused to save for her future or contribute to trips, hobbies, or activities. I’ve taken the financial and career hit to support her, and my partner and I have always made sure she has trips, experiences, and quality time- including trips abroad and to UK cities.

This summer her dad has suddenly provided two big things she’s wanted for ages — an experience and a longer foreign holiday — and she’s now posting happy family photos with them on Instagram. She has never posted pictures of me or my partner.

We live off‑grid and she has never brought friends here. I’m now wondering if I should sell our home and move somewhere more conventional so she feels comfortable inviting friends over. She’s going into Y11 and I’m thinking about the next 5–8 years.

I feel devastated that years of steady support seem overshadowed by one holiday. How do I deal with these feelings, and should I consider moving to a more conventional home for her sake?

i used AI to shorten my post as it grew enormously!

For everyone who is struggling with the nuances, ‘usually’ people who choose to live off grid are environmentally aware and conscientious. Casual and frankly unnecessary use of AI does not marry with the same ethos.

Maybe off Grid can mean chaotic or unconventional rather than no electricity, transport or running water.

We cross-posted.

I heartily agree - especially the bits about all the ott and reactionary psycho-babble these days. Stick to the basics: you're her mum, your job is just to love her and be there for her.

Try to be glad that your DD is getting some good experiences with her father because (deep down) she knows he's not really dependable. You don't need to feel jealous. Teenagers often want to be the same as the rest of the crowd but everyone's life is different. Even if she is embarrassed (and I doubt it) at your unconventional home she'll get over it. If you really wanted to could you move your houseboat to a mooring in, or nearer, the city?

Yes, and teens are years when we all try on different personas in a bid to see where we think we fit.

I remember we had to borrow a car when ours was being serviced. It was a much more ordinary car than we normally drove round in and I was trying to get dropped off here, there and everywhere, as I enjoyed the different vibe,

How does a Compost Toilet work on a boat????

Posting pictures is probably just showing off to her friends, and has nothing to do with how she views you.

I think you need to seperate her relationship with her dad from her one with you.
It's not a competition, it's two parents offering different relationships and different things. And at present your DD gets to enjoy both offers. Her holiday with her dad doesn't negate her need for her stability with you.
Yes it's the more exciting thing, but we can't thrive on excitement alone. What you offer is incredibly valuable and is the foundation for her life.
If I were you I'd work on not seeing him as 'the same' as you (he isn't and has never been an equal co parent) I'd see him as someone in her life who is giving her things that make her happy.
The move needs to be considered separately with a clear head, not as a knee jerk response to a perception her dad is overshadowing you.

Off grid has both a literal and a metaphorical meaning.

literally it means someone not connected to mainstream services - usually electricity but can also be water and sewage.

metaphorically it means an isolated and unusual lifestyle

You have parented your dd right. I was embarrassed by my mum when I was that age, as we drove a rubbish car and lived a more hippy lifestyle than some of my friends. Now I see how amazing she was; we ate the best, healthiest food, got taken on holidays, to the beach, and we just had so much love and attention.

Children are often embarrassed by their parents; in fact, you are probably doing it wrong if they are not. Don't change your own life to make it conventional- teach her that she has value, can make her own choices and that she is loved, all this is far more important than anything else.

Don't compare yourself to her dad, it's great she's holidaying with him and that she gets different things from both parents.

You haven't parented wrong and don't set up this comparison for your dd's sake.

It sounds to me that you have a lovely home for you and your family, and that you are giving your daughter a place of comfort and warmth. You obviously do everything for your daughter's best interests. I honestly would not rush to change things. Instagram is used by teens as a way to display, try not to take it to heart. Continue being you and providing the home that you do, and she will appreciate your consistency.
My teenage DS rarely invites his friends over. We live in a 2-bedroom terraced house, and most of his friends live in big houses with garages and gardens that they can hang out in. There's nothing I can do about that. They are welcome here any time, but usually choose somewhere bigger to go!

Maybe her dad has pushed the idea of taking and posting photos to show off or deliberately get at you? If she in the photos and they aren't selfies someone else has taken them for her so it's not all her own doing. I think you are reading too much into it. Unless you present like a hippy or are extremely pierced and tattooed etc I can't see why she would be sensitive about your appearance; your lifestyle doesn't sound that unconventional and lots of kids (her friends, I mean) would think it is very cool to live on a boat. I know it is hard but you need to let go of your insecurities and be happy she is enjoying herself.

Thanks. I should have read all OP's posts where she says about solar panels and composted toilet. Never heard of those types of toilets.

I agree with this but understand why OP feels hurt.

Thank you, I have taken in what you all say and many of you have made me feel a bit better about the situation. I’ll talk to her about the bigger room and about living in a house (which may not be possible, I don’t know whether we could get a mortgage at the ages we are) and will try to keep calm! I know I overthink stuff and I always have at least one worry on the go.

Sorry to throw in this curveball, but how are things between her and your partner (her stepdad)?
It can be hard for teenage girls to live with an unrelated male (even if they are a really nice stepdad). Could that be part of why she’s gravitating towards her dad? I know you said her dad has a partner, but that’s a woman so perhaps less uncomfortable for her.
Sorry if my post causes offence. You sound like a levelheaded lovely Mum! It was only that when I looked through the thread I didn’t see much about how things are between her and your partner.

My experience with teens is that whatever or whoever you are you will be embarrassing. They don't want to be seen with us. Too conventional you are not cool, too unconventional you are weird etc etc. It is just a stage, and you should not be uprooting your lives/switching your values to fit in with a perfectly normal teen milestone. She is becoming an individual, and the best way you can support her is by being honest, keep talking and being authentic. Stability and boundaries, and a great deal of love.

In your place, I wouldn't move, but could you possibly organise a weekend for her with her close girlfriends and hire a fun cottage instead a few times a year? You don't need to 'host' in your houseboat if you she would rather not, but you could give her plenty of options elsewhere.

By the way op my teen dc would think your home is the absolute dream, and would love to be invited over! Don't doubt your life decisions because of this, be happy her father is actually contributing in a positive way to dd's life (at last) He isn't you. The instagram thing will be for instagram, it is not a reflection of her/her values/her real family etc. Try to be remain steadfast and I am sorry he has been so incredibly crap over the years, and is now playing disney Dad, it must be so annoying.

One day she will regal her own children and grandchildren about her life on a house boat, or write a book etc. Play the long game here op.

I've read all your posts on this thread and it sounds like you've given your daughter a lovely home, a lovely childhood and teenhood. It all sounds lush. She's very lucky to have you and her other family.

I think it's great that you've not bitched and moaned about your ex to your daughter but I also wonder if, now that she's older, there is a conversation that you can have that comes from a place of educating her about financial responsibilities and relationships. More the financial side of things than the historical cheating stuff. Not as a mean spirited telling-tales thing but as a "I hope you learn from my mistakes" thing.

Or maybe not, I don't know. I just think it can be helpful for teens to know some facts and make their own decisions. I'm thinking of a friend whose child lives with the other parent and has no idea about the reality of the financial abuse involved and has been very hurtful to my friend.

I understand where your thoughts about moving come from but in the next few years, she could well find her tribe at uni or in 6th form and have friends who delight in your lifestyle, who adore that you live on a boat.

When I was a teen did we moan about the mate who lived further out of town so the taxi was much more expensive after nights out? Yes. Did we problem solve and do sleepovers at the house closest to the city?

I do get the hurt at seeing what she's shared on social media but please don't read too much into it. It could be that the stepmum cares about instagram and they've talked on the trip about "that'll be a good one to share" whereas it's maybe not really your thing so your daughter doesn't think you'd want things sharing so much.

I've not shared pictures from trips I've loved sometimes because I've taken too many photos and it's overwhelming.

Also, let her know that it hurt you. She probably hasn't even thought about it. "I'm so glad you had a lovely time, how come you didn't share any photos from our trip to xxx?"

Probably worth talking though with her if she's happy with current arrangements. But, per your OP, huh?? You're devastated? But the only thing that's happened to make start worrying and catastrophising, is her posting holiday photos on insta?

She wanted to go on a longer foreign holiday. That's normal. She went with her Dad because he offered her one. That's normal. She's enjoying it and sharing her photos. That's so so normal!

She doesn't post photos of you all at home? Why would she? It's her boring everyday, even though actually your home is rather cool and might make good photos. But do you even want your home plastered over insta?

There is nothing to worry about here!

Re-read, the other thing you're worrying about is that she's never asked friends round. Well, sounds like your place is a bit of a faff to get to, could that be the reason?

I was raised in an “unconventional property” and never invited any friends from school, my parents did their best to make my bit fairly normal (it still
wasnt) but I was embarrassed by the whole set up and didn’t invite anyone, I also told lies to my friends about my home and reasons why they couldn’t visit. It made me a bit weird and sneaky, I had to keep on top of all these lies. I am nearly 50 now and happily tell people about it, it’s just a teenage thing, to fit in. I would have felt sooo relieved to have moved to a normal house, or like in your daughter’s case, have somewhere like that to go that I didn’t need to lie about. I would never have dared tell my parents how I felt. Not because I was scared of them at all but just…. that’s how it was and I knew I had no power and even if they’d grilled me about it I still probably would have pretended I didn’t mind!

It’s hard but it’s a phase. It doesn’t mean she loves you less. She’s exploring. Be positive & supportive & it will all resolve itself.

Believe me as a mum you'll never do right.. The teenage years will always bring some dilemma up, if its not one thing it'll be another.... Ride the storm all will come good

struggling to be seen as different

That means that she wants to be seen as different and is making great efforts to achieve it.

Struggling "with" feeling different would mean she's forced to be so against her will and is finding that hard.

I do think about that. However, since he and I started seeing each other, I have told her repeatedly that if she ever had any reservations about him or living with him, that I would sort it out- both he and she know that she is my first priority. My husband understands and supports that attitude. They have an amiable relationship, they chat, I do most things for her like lifts but he’s stepped in once or twice; and she has confided in him once or twice, knowing that he’d then tell me about her worry. So, although it’s impossible to rule out what you suggest, I don’t think it’s that.

This is probably the best answer!

It does remind me of me wanting to ride round in the very ordinary car provided by the workshop fixing ours - when plenty of my friends would have envied it. At that age you want to try what you don't have. Your parents/home life is SUPPOSED to seem a bit style-cramping, otherwise you'd not get that drive to fly the nest kicking in.