Feeling sidelined as my teen prefers her dad's more conventional home

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

My DD’s dad was emotionally abusive during our relationship and maintained an inappropriate “friendship” with another woman, now his wife. Over the years he has often prioritised her children over our DD, and DD has repeatedly told me she feels she rarely gets one‑to‑one time with him, that he treats all the children exactly the same, and that promises he makes often don’t happen. She likes her step‑siblings but feels pushed out and has had issues with them interfering with her things when younger.

He won’t buy essentials unless I ask (uniform, shoes), but will buy her expensive clothes right after I’ve saved up to get her something. He has refused to save for her future or contribute to trips, hobbies, or activities. I’ve taken the financial and career hit to support her, and my partner and I have always made sure she has trips, experiences, and quality time- including trips abroad and to UK cities.

This summer her dad has suddenly provided two big things she’s wanted for ages — an experience and a longer foreign holiday — and she’s now posting happy family photos with them on Instagram. She has never posted pictures of me or my partner.

We live off‑grid and she has never brought friends here. I’m now wondering if I should sell our home and move somewhere more conventional so she feels comfortable inviting friends over. She’s going into Y11 and I’m thinking about the next 5–8 years.

I feel devastated that years of steady support seem overshadowed by one holiday. How do I deal with these feelings, and should I consider moving to a more conventional home for her sake?

i used AI to shorten my post as it grew enormously!

You may well be right that at her stage in life the person she is projecting herself as to her peers is important to her. Hence the insta poats.. Presumably all her friends are posting similar so she will be very anxious to fit in.

After year 11 will she be leaving home to study? Have you asked her whether she wants to bring friends over to yours? Are you anywhere near a bus or train service? And why is this only suddenly a consideration now your (clearly shitty) ex has scored one over on you in your mind (it might well not be how your dd sees it whatsoever)

What do you mean by live off grid. You clearly have a power source and internet connection to post here.

No.

if teens are offered expensive stuff they will take it from pretty much anyone and it does not mean that they like the person it just means they’ll have the stuff thank you very much.

don’t take any action based on this.

she wanted some expensive stuff to show off to her friends and dad provided it. She is now showing off to her friends. It doesn’t mean she likes dad or that she doesn’t like you.

I'm intrigued about living off grid.

How far away from school do you live? Do you have a car?

Do you work in normal jobs or live off the land like people on Ben Fogle' programme

Is your house a standard house or a more electric mix of materials and structures.

Teenagers just want to be like everyone else and fit in. I do not think you should necessarily sell up unless your life is extremely unusual.

I’m also unsure what you mean by living off grid, can you clarify, as your post is all muddled up with holiday info.

so what if she’s posting images of her holiday. It doesn’t mean she enjoys time with yoh any less, you sound jealous. It also doesn’t mean she prefers her fathers home.

the key to your question it appears about your home, so you need to clarify your set up to help people understand if it’s the reason she doesn’t bring friends here,

Your main issue is jealousy, which is such a misplaced emotion in this context. Be happy for your daughter that she is making a relationship with her father and he is offering her some support. It is not a competition and does not reflect on you. Don't change your lifestyle if you are happy. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I think the difference between your lifestyle choices is a red herring. You are the stable presence on her life, her dad is less available and reliable, it's very predictable that she will be eager for his attention when he gives it to her. Teenagers are fickle but eventually she will understand that you are the one who has been a consistent and loving parent.

Yes, I’m confused too.

Tell us all about your “off grid” life.

Another one wonderig what 'off the grid' means.

Do you have other evidence for worry she prefers his (conventional) life beyond the fact she's posted some photos on Instagram?

You have lots of evidence she isn't happy with how he treats her or parents. Why do you think that no longer stands?

My guess he has been a dissapointment for a long time and now he might actually be shaping up to be the dad she hoped for she's siezing it with all her might. Doesn't mean she thinks less of you. Very possibly her bubble will burst after the holiday for for now she has a break from dissapointing dad and she's making the most of it and wanting it to last.

I am suprised someone off grid uses AI, isn't it bad for the environment? Uses gallons of water and so on? I might be talking nonsense as I'm not techy.

You can have both of those things whilst living off grid. It just means you don't rely on public utilities. You can still have generators, solar panels, internet through mobile services or satellite for example.

How ‘off-grid’ are you that she can’t/won’t have friends over?

It’s nice for her to finally be getting what she wants from her dad. That’s good, isn’t it. It’s good her horizons are expanding, isn’t it.

ask her if she would prefer you not to live off grid. Have a conversation about it.

If anything I would have thought her friends would be very interested in it as most posters, me included, are.

I think it's fine and great to be eccentric but it's also inevitable that many teens will go through a stage of struggling to be seen as different

Which is the issue, the holiday or the different lifestyles because they’re two completely different things?

Just be happy for her that she is having a nice time.

It's not a competition and your daughter knows the truth.

I wouldn't move if you don't want to but your daughter obviously should learn how things work in the real, on-grid world.

I think itd be a rare teenager who'd happily live off grid esp if they are attending school.

”Off grid” means living away from public networks. Most people who live off grid have solar panels to generate their own electricity, thus not needed to be connected to the grid.

Gas can be sourced in canisters.

Water can come from rainwater, wells, hauled supplies. Septic tanks and composters can be used for waste.

Discuss this with your daughter. There could be a different reason for her not inviting her friends over. She might not want to move. It's easy to think the worst. She might have posted in Insta because of peer pressure or her dad/his wife may have pushed it?

“Off-grid” but using AI.

C’mon OP.

I think having two very different homes is good. She might swing between which she prefers but ultimately you are the parent that has been there for her. Trips to Thailand and events are great fun while there but when she gets back it’s back to normal.

I grew up on an off grid farm, I loved it as a child but went through a teenage rebellion where I just wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted the new build with central heating and no generator that conked out. When my friends at secondary school found out where I lived they were jealous, they wanted what they didn’t have and loved my relaxed hippy parents. My house was the hang out for my friends.

Naturally a big foreign holiday will be something she attaches a lot of value to, and wants to publicise to her friends.

You don't say anything about her preferring her dad's home, and the respects in which it is more 'conventional'.

Teens often want to have parents that don't stand out in any way - so that they fit the 'template' they imagine all parents in their friendship group match up to.

Could it just be that? Or is your home 'unconventional' in a way that actually fails to meet some of her needs?

I agree with other posters- she is showing off on insta as all teens do, it is superficial and an image that she currently wants to present, but never the less this is what teens do.

don’t question your lifestyle and the stability you give her, she knows deep down that you are there for her no matter what and her dad isn’t always. I would not move at this point… I’m not sure why you say you’re thinking about the next 8 years? Is she planning to be at home until she is 23/24??

as she matures I’m sure she will realise there is a lot to be proud of in how you have bought her up and your lifestyle. My teen going into year 11 rarely brings friends over if it helps- I’m not sure moving would help that- it’s just how they are now!!

You need to explain what your version of off grid living means for people to be able to answer you properly