Feeling sidelined as my teen prefers her dad's more conventional home

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

My DD’s dad was emotionally abusive during our relationship and maintained an inappropriate “friendship” with another woman, now his wife. Over the years he has often prioritised her children over our DD, and DD has repeatedly told me she feels she rarely gets one‑to‑one time with him, that he treats all the children exactly the same, and that promises he makes often don’t happen. She likes her step‑siblings but feels pushed out and has had issues with them interfering with her things when younger.

He won’t buy essentials unless I ask (uniform, shoes), but will buy her expensive clothes right after I’ve saved up to get her something. He has refused to save for her future or contribute to trips, hobbies, or activities. I’ve taken the financial and career hit to support her, and my partner and I have always made sure she has trips, experiences, and quality time- including trips abroad and to UK cities.

This summer her dad has suddenly provided two big things she’s wanted for ages — an experience and a longer foreign holiday — and she’s now posting happy family photos with them on Instagram. She has never posted pictures of me or my partner.

We live off‑grid and she has never brought friends here. I’m now wondering if I should sell our home and move somewhere more conventional so she feels comfortable inviting friends over. She’s going into Y11 and I’m thinking about the next 5–8 years.

I feel devastated that years of steady support seem overshadowed by one holiday. How do I deal with these feelings, and should I consider moving to a more conventional home for her sake?

i used AI to shorten my post as it grew enormously!

Quite weird that her posting instagram photos has made you think about moving house etc?! Maybe the things they’re doing are just more “aesthetic” and fit what she wants to project on instagram - that doesn’t mean you need to change your lifestyle or that she wants you to. Are you feeling insecure about your lifestyle for other reasons?

My relative lives entirely off grid, no mains electricity or gas, collects water herself. But she has solar panels and gas canisters, and communicates by mobile phone. She has a contract same as everyone else. Off grid does not mean you can’t use AI or the internet. What a silly comment.

I don’t want to be too outing, but yes, we have ‘normal’ jobs (and I use the internet a lot in mine); we live in a small village but it’s only 5 miles from the nearest city where her dad lives and she goes to school, and she uses the bus although needs a lift to the bus stop. She has a part time job in the village we live in.

We have solar power and batteries, a generator for the winter, and we have a composting loo which is probably the biggest reason I suspect she’s embarrassed to invite friends round.

I don’t overuse AI, I did use it for this because I had written loads and was struggling to know how to edit it - I kept remembering more things to say. I admit I’m feeling jealous, I do feel quite resentful of his behaviour and attitude, and those are both unpleasant and difficult emotions to live with. I’m keen not to show either to my daughter, hence why I’m asking for help in dealing with them. I have put up with his selfish behaviour for all these years thinking she’d see him for what he is and now it feels as if he’s reaping benefits from work that I’ve done. That’s a me problem but it’s a real problem.

If we moved into a house it would have to be in the city as we couldn’t afford one in our village, but that might offer advantages to her as she does post-16 and potentially higher education, because she could be more independent and use the train to get to other cities if she wanted to study elsewhere while saving money by living at home- it would add that as an option. There are at least 4 university cities within reach by train.

Honestly, it hurts because of the history with the stepmum stomping over my boundaries around my relationship and with my daughter. My partner has always been more supportive of my daughter than her stepmum, more respectful of the fact that my daughter does have a dad and he doesn’t try to parent her- he’s just a supportive adult. But it’s the stepmum who’s in these photos.

I’m aware that this is very unpleasant reaction on my part, as I said above, I’m not proud of feeling like this. But there’s a fear of losing her.

That makes sense. I think it’s important to remember that the photos she posts on her instagram are not necessarily the photos that mean the most to her. And what is important to her right now is not what’s going to be remembered long term.
sorry if the “weird” sounded meaner than I meant it to!

If I was a teenager and lived in a house with a composting toilet I wouldn’t invite my friends round either

Just talk to her.

The 5 mile distance and need for a lift to and from the bus stop is presumably quite a barrier to bringing friends back.

My Dc were all in and out of each others houses but they all lived within walking distance of each other.

I wouldn’t set to much store by the Insta posting. She’s just excited by the experience and the holiday.

Go for a walk or something and chat to her about how she feels about her life and her home and where she lives.

When you say "If we moved into a house ...", could I ask , does that mean you are not living in a house now? Is it a flat or something else?

I still feel that the insta posts about the holiday are natural, and don't in themselves mean she is preferring her dad's home, but I'm just wondering if there may be any more features of your home that aren't ideal for her, in addition th the composting toilet.

Well, quite! I don’t blame her at all.

I will have a chat with her. Usually when she’s asked to state a preference (anything from holidays to dinner) she says she doesn’t mind, and that makes it hard!

On the topic of bringing friends round. She has said she likes this place being her sanctuary where nobody comes, and maybe that is true. Recently though, our village had the fair here, she asked a friend to come, and rather than taking up my offer of giving lifts and I would wait in the pub with a book so they could do what they liked in the fair, she asked her dad to take them, even though that meant her steps all being there too. So maybe it’s more than the toilet or where we live, maybe it’s me who’s embarrassing.

What kind of dwelling do you actually live in? And what do you think might make her embarrassed about you? Are we talking just usual teenage thing about thinking their mothers aren’t cool or more Toni Collette in About a Boy?

Most on this thread should no what off grid means ffs your just picking now, maybe op means she lives out in the sticks, and has worded it wrong.
Right now thats cleared up back to what she asked, op i wouldnt make a big thing out of it tbh shes young this is what they do.

I agree. Don't sell your home to please a teenager! She is still a child, and not thinking like an adult. She's temporarily dazzled by his apparent conversion into a Disney Dad, but he'll revert to type sooner or later.

He’s flashed the cash and she’s taken advantage.
Here’s the thought to hold, though:
DD has repeatedly told me she feels she rarely gets one‑to‑one time with him, that he treats all the children exactly the same, and that promises he makes often don’t happen.
He won’t last as Disney Dad.

You’re overthinking all of this. Just be a loving, kind parent and that’s enough. It’s more than many kids get. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to guarantee your teen wants to spend time at home or guarantees that she won’t be embarrassed by you, sorry.

You're her Mum , however she feels right now is just in the moment. If you have a good honest relationship then you and you only will matter to her.

It all sounds really tough. Kids seem to know exactly how to hurt their parents. It seems like it has really shaken you own self-confidence and made you question your choices. Please don't move to please your daughter. I think you feel you need to compete with you Ex. You don't. You daughter is just trying to get a spot in the sun with him. She knows she's got you in her corner. Hold your head up and remain steadfast. Leave her to forge a relationship with her dad. It has nothing to do with you.

how about coming at the problems sideways rather than head on? Rather than direct ‘either or’ questions which might put her on the spot or where she might want to be protective of you .

you could see if she will share things with you in general even if it’s whether she would like to live in city or country side in the future? Or about less sensitive things like how was the flight home? Or you could let her know you will always support her whatever she wants to do. Maybe she senses how much you love her and value sustainable way of life and she wants to be sensitive to you?

it is galling when you feel you’ve done the harder graft and you know in your heart your ex and his partner are less caring than you, and there are instagram posts celebrating the holiday with the ex and partner in them - but I doubt she had more in her mind than sharing holiday pics with her friends!

I think most teens would prefer to live in a city, with better transport links so more independence for them, rather than a small village. And yes the composting toilet probably is a bit embarrassing.

So I don't think it's crazy to consider moving house partly for her sake, as long as it also suits you and your partner.

She has felt ignored and overlooked by her father, she has had nothing to boast about on social media, now she's doing a quick boast and a "see, my dad loves me" for her own self esteem. Don't move house now over it. She will probably move out in a few years, if you like where you are and it's comfortable enough, just stay there.

Can you afford to get her a car? Or can she borrow yours? Get her lessons as soon as you can and give her some mobility.

If she's going into year 11 she's only 15yo, she won't be able to drive for a couple of years @Cheesemaker26

You state you've provided years of steady support as though there is nothing wrong with bringing her up in a home she's ashamed of. So while I agree with PP who said that teens will take expensive gifts off anyone and show off to their friends about it without it meaning they love that person more. But you see your steady support as being far superior to her father's home with another family and broken promises. I would suggest she may have seen your provision as simply the best of a bad a lot at the time and her father's as the best of a bad lot now.

I may be wrong, but I think parents with alternative lifestyles frequently fail to understand the costs their children pay for being pulled from a conventional lifestyle and while the benefits can outweigh those costs, they frequently don't.

She could be older, and not knowing her exact age is why I said as soon as possible. Knowing she will be able to drive and will have access to a car will be a great gift to her, if OP discusses it now and makes plans for it.

Rather than move, if you feel that it’s the composting toilet which is the problem, would it be feasible to install a traditional toilet in the house for a few years?

You and your partner don’t need to use it, but you can give dd the choice of what she uses, and then guests can use the traditional one.

Oh, you're definitely right. Parents think highfalutin ideals will win the day, but kids want stuff. They want iPads, they want cars, they want a nice house, and they definitely don't appreciate bohemian lifestyles. I think it's too late though, if that's what the OP has been doing. The ship has sailed, the kid will be gone in a couple of years, no point in uprooting now.

In decades to come, and particularly if her daughter has her own kids, she may appreciate some of the less material things her mum provided for her more. But for sure, young children and teens and even 20 somethings, they want to be like their friends, and they want stuff.

Could you put in a septic tank system - I'm guessing not if holidays are currently out of reach. Don't under estimate the benefits of independence for teens though - there is many a time I have said how brilliant having a bus at the end of the road is for mine and local friends and a local school. Talk to her and see how she feels but remember in 5 years this will no longer be an issue so you need to be pragmatic.