Feeling sidelined as my teen prefers her dad's more conventional home

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

My DD’s dad was emotionally abusive during our relationship and maintained an inappropriate “friendship” with another woman, now his wife. Over the years he has often prioritised her children over our DD, and DD has repeatedly told me she feels she rarely gets one‑to‑one time with him, that he treats all the children exactly the same, and that promises he makes often don’t happen. She likes her step‑siblings but feels pushed out and has had issues with them interfering with her things when younger.

He won’t buy essentials unless I ask (uniform, shoes), but will buy her expensive clothes right after I’ve saved up to get her something. He has refused to save for her future or contribute to trips, hobbies, or activities. I’ve taken the financial and career hit to support her, and my partner and I have always made sure she has trips, experiences, and quality time- including trips abroad and to UK cities.

This summer her dad has suddenly provided two big things she’s wanted for ages — an experience and a longer foreign holiday — and she’s now posting happy family photos with them on Instagram. She has never posted pictures of me or my partner.

We live off‑grid and she has never brought friends here. I’m now wondering if I should sell our home and move somewhere more conventional so she feels comfortable inviting friends over. She’s going into Y11 and I’m thinking about the next 5–8 years.

I feel devastated that years of steady support seem overshadowed by one holiday. How do I deal with these feelings, and should I consider moving to a more conventional home for her sake?

i used AI to shorten my post as it grew enormously!

I agree with this.
You have always been there for her. You have bought her up and provided for her and given her stability.
If you have saved up for something but her dad has then turned around and given her right after you have saved up for something, then so what. That's the bonus of living in two places you enjoy what you get from both homes. Let her enjoy herself without feeling hurt about the pictures she's posting on Instagram.

I would discuss with your DD if she would like you to move to a new area.
If moving would mean more expenses then this could mean that it would be harder for you to save for other things and experiences.
Like holidays etc.
I wouldn't move if it means you would then struggle to be able to save up for holidays and other things for her as going on holidays and seeing new places are memories that you cherish together.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you are over thinking everything. Obviously people look happy on photos as they are smiling and posing.
You need to enjoy your moments with your DD.

Christ I love how the "we live off grid and have a composting toilet" bit is just slipped in like it's no big deal.

OFC she prefers her dad's place - can't imagine anyone wanting to bring friends or a boyfriend somewhere like that in the future.

I just knew that the living off the grid would involve poop buckets

No teenager wants to bring friends back to that

Not saying you have to move but maybe examine why you are living the way you do in the first place. is it some type of belief or a way to save a lot of money?

Holdinguphalfthesky@
I have read your updates. Your feelings are totally understandable.
It is difficult when you have provided the stability and brought your daughter up.
However your daughter will know that you have been her main support.
It appears that dad is just providing the fun times which your DD is enjoying.
I suspect, you are feeling insecure that DD's dad is taking over and providing the fun times which she appears to be enjoying more.
Even though it is going to be really really hard and I would feel the same but let your DD enjoy the holidays that her dad is paying for as it gives her the chance of experiencing new things. Also she is just showing off to her friends, who probably go on holiday and post their photos on Instagram aswell.

As your DD grows and in years to come she will always appreciate the up bringing, you gave her. You have been her steady support.

I would out weigh the advantages and disadvantages of moving before making that change.
As another poster suggested, maybe add a modern toilet to your property, instead.

I wish you all the best going forward. Best wishes.

She is just trying to fit in with her peers. I wouldn’t move house just to try and please her and put yourself in debt. She knows she has a loving stable home with you and that is the most important thing.

OP, as PP have noticed, the photos are designed to show her peers what a great life she's having. They are unlikely to reflect her true feelings and they are specifically designed not to reflect to complexity of her situation, just like most photos we put online. She wants her peers to see her having a great time with a dad who has paid or an expensive holiday. She doesn't want them to see the years of feeling neglected because what's glamorous or fun about that? You have fallen into the classic trap of thinking the perfectly staged photos depict a genuinely perfect world. Instagram is based on that and many creators will tell you it's an illusion.

Years of solid emotional/financial support and real love don't just get washed away by a "conventional" house and a fancy holiday.

Instead of asking us, talk to your daughter about why she doesn't bring friends home and if there is anything you can do to encourage that. It may just be because your place is harder to get to with public transport, not that she's embarrassed. I think your place sounds great personally, have always dreamed of living off-grid.

When people live off grid they’re usually very committed to the lifestyle. You’re considering giving it up because of some photos on Instagram? That’s such a big reaction.

I also don’t see the point in having a compost toilet if you’re going to be wasting water and resources using AI. That’s not someone living off grid.

It's hard when you feel you do all the graft and then the flashier parent seems to reap all the rewards. When I left my ex ( who I thought was horrible) my children chose to stay with him in our family home, they were older than your dd, end of sixth form/uni. It was very upsetting but if I thought of it from their point of view it made sense. And he had all the money 🙂. You won't loose her, your are her mum and those attachments are strong. I didn't loose mine. We are extremely close and as adults they know exactly what and who their dad is. Living off grid I know nothing about. Teenagers can be sensitive to norms and find alternative lifestyles tricky to explain to their friends I guess. Quite right to try and talk to her about that.

Thanks, there are some things to think about here.

We aren’t extreme off-grid people, we’re on a boat. We have most things that people have who live more conventionally, but this has been cheaper for us (we could have been spending over £1000 per month on rent, instead we own our home and particularly when it was just me and her, that meant we could have the nicer things we wanted instead of going backwards each month when she was little and I was limited in the hours I could work). It’s not a madly bohemian lifestyle, it’s a fairly conventional lifestyle in a slightly unusual place.

I will talk to her. Moving isn’t my first choice and might not even be possible, but equally if it is an option it might make sense for her and for me. There are a lot of variables.

I appreciate your words, both kindly and more blunt.

I went through something similar with my younger son. To keep it brief, my ex had a lot of money and I did not. I paid for our very modest home and the ex paid for the private school. My younger son, at about the same age as your DD, went through a stage of acute embarrassment about me, my car, and our home, never invited friends around, and would cross the road if we were walking together and he saw someone he knew from school. I think he felt we'd really come down in the world! (My other DC could not have cared less).

Anyway, some ten years on and his attitude could not be more different. He is a little ashamed of his behavior from back then, and proud of me.

The day will come when your daughter will be thrilled to have bohemian parents who live on a boat. Be patient, be loving, let her have her way, and don't try to force it. Even though it went against my values, I once hired a Mercedes to drive my son to prom so he wouldn't have to arrive in our crappy old car. (None of his friends cared; only he cared).

Anyway - don't give up a lifestyle you love for what you imagine your daughter wants. This phase is temporary; plus, that's a big emotional debt to put on a young person who will be moving away from home in a couple of years anyway.

I would have been thrilled to stay with friends like that when I was a teenager. That is the age when young people are exploring different lifestyles. Of course mum's way of living feels as dreary as an old hat - but me, if my parents had offered for us to live on a boat I'd have shaken the dust of suburbia off my heels in a heartbeat.

Most pictures on social media are a snapshot of a moment in time and not a true representation of real life. Whatever you do, your daughter will find something to be embarrassed about. Keep calm and carry on.

A boat sounds fabulous. She should be Instagramming that, people would be impressed.

i can understand your feelings,but honestly put your own jealous feelings to oneside. Do though talk to your DD honestly about how she feels about your home,the composting toilet (honestly enough to mortify any teenager) and about options for the future.
As for instagram postings and the projection of lifestyle to the world ,it is a modern phenomena and not always a true reflection. my sister is in a similar situation to you with my neice,different lifestyles and values between a divorced family.Never posed an issue when my neice was young but during teen years it has led to some feelings of resentment . My neice went on an expensive holiday with her dad and posted it on instagram all sparkly locations,posed photos and gushing hashtags,my sister felt some jealously as all she had taken my neice on a caravan holiday that didnt feature online. When my neice returned sshe told a different story about the holiday to the one presented for public viewing. Thingas arent always as they seem.

How much space is there on the boat? And what about when she was younger, did friends come over then?

I’d definitely see what she thinks because you could move and she could still choose to stay with her dad. It might be hard to get to the bottom of the issue if she’s not forthcoming though

If life on the boat is what works for you I think you would be making a mistake moving to a house on the whims of a teenager. Does she have a n adequate space on the boat? A room of her own?

I live right by the canal/River Lea where lots of people live in houseboats.

For the most part, they aren't people with school aged kids. The few that are resident are homeschooled so things like bringing friends home aren't relevant to them. Their friends are their parents friends kids with similar lifestyles.

One guy has his daughter stay on some weekends but that isn't her main home.

DP and I lived on a boat for a few years, and his teenager lived there with us 50% of the time. He never showed any sign of being embarrassed by it/us, and his friends used to come round all the time.

This, how much personal space does she have? Is it a big boat or a barge? What’s the actual ablutions like?

does she have a room of her own or a bunk just?

She does have her own room, and the offer of a bigger room that’s slightly separate from the other living spaces, but she doesn’t seem very keen on this option so it hasn’t happened yet. I suggested last year that she pick some paint colours and I’d help her paint it, and make it lovely, but she hasn’t so we haven’t. I certainly don’t want her to feel like she’s being pushed out! But I thought she might appreciate the slight remove from the rest of the boat.

Actually when she was at primary school she had a friend to play once, but usually went to her friends’ houses because they’d go after school and I would collect later (she started primary when we lived in a house and it was very much a walking to school area, but we had to move out of that town and she stayed at the school for the consistency). She has struggled a little with friends- has always had lots and never been lonely, but the ‘best friends’ never seemed to last, she’s ended up hurt. So maybe what she says about keeping this space private is true.

ETA the bathroom is quite nice, with a shower, sink, space to dry and dress etc. Her own room is small but pretty and has a door she can lock. Then we have a living space and a kitchen which look small but fairly conventional, and our room. We can’t swap rooms because hers wouldn’t fit a double bed. But she has the option of this other, bigger room at the other end of the boat.

I bet if her friends suddenly started to debate, in a very serious and positive way about saving the planet ideas for the difficult futures facing them, DD would soon invite her mates round to witness an alternative type of life style.

Children simply need to feel they fit in and as teens they become fickle until they decide their own values for themselves, - after a good deal of trying them out and testing them.

As long as your house is clean, tidy, welcoming and not stinky, you need to lead with confidence OP.

Only move to the city if that’s something you want and have planned for as a family.
Bear in mind that you could move to the city, only for your DD to find she prefers the peace, quiet and decent stability of the safe space she had before. You may all find it a step down instead of a progression.

How to deal with your jealous feelings? Realise you will always be her mum and that she will need your hard working, dependable bond and strength for some years to come. In the meantime her feelings and preferences will be up and down as she decides who she is and what she wants for her own independent life.

Stay strong and follow your own instincts rather than trying to compete with your ex and the Instagram opportunities he provides.
Things with teens don’t stay the same for very long.
Good luck !

When I was a teen I was excruciatingly embarrassed because our house was different from my friends (it was vast rambling place and they all loved in little modern detached /terraces). For a few years in my teens I would have given anything to be normal and blend in as much as possible

As I got older and encountered a wider diversity of people and also I guess as I matured I stopped feeling like that.

It's almost certainly a phase that will pass so do check in with her but also try not to take it personally. .

Maybe get on and sort out the bigger more private room for her.

I doubt it's the boat, I think that would be seen as quite cool by a lot of young people these days