15 year old has been suspended. Where do we go from here? Terrible behaviour

[Upset03829]

My son hates school. I cant express how much he hates it. But he also doesnt want to be homeschooling. He doesnt want to do any kind of academic learning.

We have had problems with behavior since he was 4 years old. Hes 15 now about to go into year 11. Its been a long hard slog.
He is desperate for validation, for people to like him , to be popular etc. At all costs. He has always been the class clown. Not making excuses for him but his teachers have always liked him despite this because he has a great personality. A cheeky chap.
That was until 2 years ago. I dont know if its hormones or what but he has changed beyond all recognition. That cheeky chap has gone. And has been replaced with someone full of anger, aggression and ideas that no rules apply to him.
School has been getting worse and worse. Not helped as its 80% boys, ive been told by his head of year that his year is a particularly bad year. There are 10 boys who are all similar, including my son. They bounce and feed off each other, egg each other on etc
Its at the point now where son is not learning anything, is spending large amounts of time outside of the classroom, and has become rude and argumentative with the staff.
Hes also started to become physical with other students
He has been suspended for persistent disruption and behaviour. Its been coming and im not surprised.
Thing is we just dont know what to do, neither do staff. We have put so many things in place to help him, even monetary rewards. He gets special treatment from them and still behaves this way.
I have to attend a reintegration meeting on Monday. All I see for year 11 is more of the same . I am empty, drained, have nothing left in me. Nothing works with him
Its devastating to watch and so sad because outside of school he is ok and when he leaves I think he will be ok. How do we cope with this?

I'm sure you have but I'd try and approach it from the opposite end. Monetary rewards and bribes are only ever going to be a temporary fix or a sticking plaster until the root if the issue is uncovered.

Has he been assessed for causes for his behaviour? Have you got a clear line of communication with him so you can talk to him openly and vice versa still, or has that gone by the wayside?

There's no fix other than finding out and addressing the cause.

What do you mean when you say he is desperate for validation? Are his emotional needs been met in other areas outside of school?

What punishments have you tried so far?

Is he using weed?

Anything anyone would suggest has already been tried, by us and the school. Punishments and positive consequences. He is very open to talk to , to us and them. He will say what he needs to do and why, make promises, and then 5 minutes into the day will just to do it again
If he is one on one or in a small group he is absolutely fine. Its the classroom environment that triggers it.
He is definitely struggling with his learning now as he is missing alot. This is contributing as the stress and pressure of year 11 is definitely effecting him . Instead of thinking right I need to buckle down. His qay of dealing with it is to be sent out so he doesnt have to do the learning he is struggling with.
He does no homework, and no revision. He has mocks this coming week .

He has severe health anxiety so wont drink, vape or take drugs as hes scared it will kill him (as far as I can tell)

Where did the health anxiety come from?

Can you change school OP? It sounds like this environment is not suitable for him.

Have you cut off all internet use, gaming, screens as a punishment?

What assessments has he had for e.g.adhd?

Things that have been tried in places I have worked that you could ask about at the reintegration meeting…

EHCP application. Albeit a bit late but it would go with him to college (and it’s much harder to exclude a child with an EHCP). This is only an option if you think there is actually a reason behind his choices that evidence could prove.

Managed move. Very rare in year 11 and not helpful if he goes to a school that does all different exam boards.

Drop some options and focus on English, Maths, Science and maybe one other thing he enjoys. Do not drop PE; boys like your son need this. Use the free time this creates for one to one revision support, a work placement or make it a part time timetable (legally a bit questionable but schools do it).

Ask about an early move to college where he can still do English and Maths but also vocational course that interests him. We had a couple of students who did this at our local college so it is an option.

Alternative provision placement. Depends on the area you are in but there are some amazing ones.

Ask realistically how close he is to permanent exclusion or if they think they can get him through.

Does he know what he wants to do in the future? Sometimes we just have to suck it up and get on because we need the doors open to the next thing.

Severe health anxiety
class clown
disruptive

get an ADHD assessment through right to choose

at least rule out ND if that is not what is driving his behaviour ??

This is his second hight school, changed him in year 9 but hes got worse.
Been referred for adhd assessment multiple times , they wont accept as he doesnt present the same in multiple environments and comes across very well in meetings.
School described it is he is in self destruction mode but noone knows why. The way he acts is very entitled and that he knows everything, wont be told anything etc but hes obviously struggling.
Weve tried to talk to him multiple times, make him understand we want to help but he just denies there are any problems and its just he hates school

I’d ask what home life is like? Are ye a chaotic house? Is he left alone a lot?

Back to basics, you say you all give rewards, do ye get out in the fresh air often? Is there any sports he’s into or does he have interests? Could ye go on family hikes etc?

Id also say trying for a diagnosis sounds like the way to go!

School make allowances for him as if he has a diagnosis. Hes on the sen register. Can have breaks . Classroom support plan. Alot of chances are given etc. But he throws it back in their face.
Theyve even arranged things for his exams through the exam boards so he doesnt have to sit amongst everyone else

Ps my friend’s son had anger therapy, just him, his mum and a counsellor talking weekly, and it changed his life

What would he like to do?
Does he have a trade in mind?
Personally if he hates school and it’s making everyone’s life worse I’d look at other options.

He gets lots of exercise and fresh air. He is very sporty and always doing sport with friends. Goes to the gym now too
He has changed a lot physically which has coincided with this, makes me think its too much testosterone

Part time vocational placement at a college for 14-16 yr olds?

Get him through to the end of year 11 as best you can and then try and get him an apprenticeship somewhere or a trade. Do you have any friends or friends of friends in a trade who might be willing to give him a chance with a job labouring so he's earning some money and out of the school environment when the time comes.

I was completely broken by my eldest son by the end of year 11 after he turned into a nightmare at school at around 12/13. He got no GCSEs but work was the making of him.

Maybe the military?

With the new found gym interest, does he have any new mates or started taking any ‘supplements’?

Stick it out until he’s 16 as best he can then get a job/apprenticeship Some kids just aren’t meant for school. Society used to value that more. Now it’s school school school.

@Upset03829 this is a common theme at this age and the pattern is behaviour disrupting learning which makes the behaviour worse etc etc. A classic vicious circle.
It sounds as though the school have taken all reasonable steps to support. As he copes best in small groups, is there any option for him to switch to alternative courses for English and Maths that are delivered to smaller groups? Geared at lower ability but might be more accessible now for him.
If that's an option a part time timetable based around those plus PE and anything he actually likes and maybe some work experience if you could find anything suitable to his interests?
And year 11 college courses if there are any might provide a fresh start.

The problem with this is that jobs and apprenticeships are now hugely competitive. And apprenticeships will come with a requirement to keep taking Maths & English unless / until he gets a level 4 or equivalent.

I would also be concerned about gym ‘supplements’ etc, especially if his body shape gas changed dramatically.

What does he want to do next? If you take him to your local college to
look at eg qualifications in sport, or to your local health centre / gym for him to talk to those who run it about their entry requirements for the most junior staff, might that ‘wake up call’ from those outside his family & school help?

What does he want to do post 16? I agree with pp that he might be taking supplements of some kind. What's the origin of the health anxiety?