I’m being made a complete fool out off!

[Whatsgoingonnow65]

Is it me who is just out of times.

I have a 19 yr old DD, she has an 18yr old BF, both not as mature as their years.

Neither of them work. The BF is at my home all the time, lunches and dinners provided. They don’t help out at all with cooking or washing up. At the beginning I allowed him to stay over 1 night per week. It’s escalating and now asking nearly every night which I don’t allow but he does stay up to 3/4 nights. If I’m honest I end up feeling manipulated/bullied into allowing it as they start asking late on at night when he has no way of getting home. He lives in a different town.

Last night I spoke with them early evening and made sure he knew how/when he was leaving- all fine seemingly, then at 1130pm he could t get home.

I did lose the rag as I know they are taking the piss!!

I sound pathetic when I read it back. What would you do?

this

Another couple of dole dossers in the making. Why are you enabling this OP??

I thought you had to work at least 16 hours to get UC

Hi op this is tricky but I would suggest on the morning after he has stayed tell him to go home and stay there for a few days as you want some time in your home without him being there. then speak to your dd tell her it’s either 3/4 nights or nothing it’s her choice. It’s your home you pay for everything so you decide what happens if they get arsey just tell them your happy for your dd to spend time at his house eating his parents food and hanging around there. I’m not sure why neither of them are not working but this is something that would annoy me if they never leave the house.

How do the arguments cause anxiety in you and what do you feel anxious about?

Why does she receive UC ? I do but I have to be working a set number of min hours a week to remain eligible ?

Why can’t he cal his parents to collect him? Or maybe you should.

I’d be giving a ‘curfew’ of sorts. Eg. It’s 8pm, off you go.

You're being taken for a fool.

Shagging

Oh my word OP.
You are not helping her by being so lax

Not that easy, depending where she is. There are lots of people (some too young to qualify for benefits, some not) desperately doing their best to find jobs, and not succeeding.

So your DD needs to start paying rent and groceries. Bill goes up every time BF stays. Say rent + groceries = £140 a week + £20 per night for BF.

Chores expectations need to be set + fines if not completed.

Don't like the rules then move out.

Surely she has work requirements to get UC? This is the reason why I don’t think young adults should be able to move from being in education straight to UC if they live at home - it makes it all too comfortable with housing and food being provided leaving the benefits for spending money.

Definitely put your foot down op. No adult in my house dosses about - it’s education or work - those are the only two choices. As a pp said I’m not a gentle parent either!

Yes you are! I'd be expecting your DD to be paying rent, clearing up after herself and doing her fair share of housework. Also looking for work. I'd tell her boyfriend that he needs to get a job too and that he won't be staying overnight in your house any more. It's time to put your big girl pants on and step up as a parent. No more allowing them to walk all over you!

I think I’d seriously consider issuing some sort of ultimatum. My rule has always been “learning or earning”. If she doesn’t want to do either, she can leave and support herself elsewhere.

Why on earth do hard working people like many of us on here have to pay through our taxes to fund benefits for feckless layabouts like these two?!

18 and 19!

Gobsmacked.

This is infuriating for you OP. Start from scratch and say zero visiting rights. They can see each other outside of your house. If they want to spend more time together they can get their own place.

So what is she doing about finding a job?

Last night I spoke with them early evening and made sure he knew how/when he was leaving- all fine seemingly, then at 1130pm he could t get home.

I hope you told him he'd have to walk?

I agree with this, they’ve got lazyitis and you’re enabling them @Whatsgoingonnow65 they're walking all over you! He doesn’t get to stay over and he doesn’t get fed. As for your DD you TELL her this is what’s happening and if she doesn’t like it they can go to his parents.

I'm curious about this "the arguments cause me such anxiety" when you stopped providing food. Is this because you're prone to anxiety, or were your DD and her BF being abusive about it? If the latter, tell him he is no longer welcome, and mean it. Do not let someone into your home who is abusive to you. DD can go visit him or spend time with him out of the house.

And tell your DD the same applies to her, if she can't shape up she needs to leave, and mean it. Give her a way to change, but do not accept abuse.

I’m afraid you are going to have to lay down the law with your Daughter. Either she abides by the house rules (he can stay one night, gone by X time, you don’t provide dinner for him and she cooks 2 x per week and cleans kitchen and bathroom every other week) or you she will need to find somewhere else to stay.

point out that she’s taking advantage and it doesn’t feel kind or respectful to you. You love her but she’s eroding your goodwill.

can you have a friend round to support you? Or even on the phone with one earbud?

Just tell them both he needs to leave at 5pm each day. He stays over on x days and they contribute towards food and housework. If they don’t he doesn’t stay at all

100% this.

not tricky at all. if you are a doormat you will get walked on.

If she on uc and he staying that much, then she can't claim single uc but couple uc. And that amount is lower than 2 on single uc.