I’m being made a complete fool out off!

[Whatsgoingonnow65]

Is it me who is just out of times.

I have a 19 yr old DD, she has an 18yr old BF, both not as mature as their years.

Neither of them work. The BF is at my home all the time, lunches and dinners provided. They don’t help out at all with cooking or washing up. At the beginning I allowed him to stay over 1 night per week. It’s escalating and now asking nearly every night which I don’t allow but he does stay up to 3/4 nights. If I’m honest I end up feeling manipulated/bullied into allowing it as they start asking late on at night when he has no way of getting home. He lives in a different town.

Last night I spoke with them early evening and made sure he knew how/when he was leaving- all fine seemingly, then at 1130pm he could t get home.

I did lose the rag as I know they are taking the piss!!

I sound pathetic when I read it back. What would you do?

When it gets whatever time you decide you say right John it's 8:30 PM you've got half an hour to say goodbyes and then you're going .If they say anything about the time you say this is the time because you've let me down previously when I said that you needed to go, so I'm not running that risk again . If daughter doesn't like it, she can go with him and stay at his house for a change and eat their food.
I'd also say he can stay for tea once a week or whatever you decide but other than that either has to buy his own food or eat at home. If you want to bring some food to heat up in the microwave that's fine or buy himself a meal deal but they're not feeding them both of them from your food.

Wow what a pair of piss takers! Not easy to find paid employment these days but they can still work on their CVs by doing some voluntary work and/or enrol on college course. Tell the lazy oiks to do some washing up and household chores. You pay for food, cook it ? And they show their gratitude by not washing up and using your house as a doss house. No contribution to bills and you’re letting them carry on like this?

They are acting like children, so treat them like children. Curfew at 9 or whenever. Wifi off at 10.

You are letting your daughter down. Get her help to sort her life out. This boyfriend won't last forever but a life on benefits might do.

Exactly. How long they gonna carry on in your house before a baby comes along. A life on benefits and not capable of doing the washing up?

Job seekers is a contribution based benefit and she won’t have had enough years working to qualify

Sadly? Sadly???

You make it sound like this is a situation that cannot be rectified.

Book a day's annual leave, MARCH her to the job centre and she does not leave until she has a job. It doesn't matter what it is, cleaning loos or stacking shelves is better than doing NOTHING. She can use her evenings and weekends to apply for better jobs and pursue her dreams like the rest of us mugs do.

Last night I spoke with them early evening and made sure he knew how/when he was leaving- all fine seemingly, then at 1130pm he could t get home.

I think this is your opportunity for getting a grip on this cheeky fuckery. She's given you a nice solid trigger point to hang your hat on, and trigger points are always the best for initiating change.

'Last night Fiona, you and Bruce sat their and lied to my face that he was going home and had a lift arranged. No lift and he's still here at 11.30.
Do you think I'm stupid, or just a walkover? Your behaviour is increasingly disrespectful and self serving.
It won't be happening again as after least nights performance, Brad now goes home by 10. If you want to go with him you're very welcome. I don't care if he goes by bike, Uber, foot or flying carpet, he's gone by 10 or the WiFi password changes for a week (or whatever).
And this incident has made me think about a few other things, where frankly you're taking the piss out of mine (and your dad's?) good nature...

And then reel them off (food, washing, with no discernible contribution to the house) with some boundaries and bloody stick to them. Don't be shouty & angry, just allow yourself to be annoyed and hardline. Don't argue, it's not a negotiation, your mind is made up. Let her cry, and agree it's good not bottle up emotions, it's natural shed feel agreived when the gravy train has run out of coal. Let her threaten to move out - agree some space might be a blessing right now.

They're both unemployed, they're going nowhere nice. Let the BF family enjoy their gracious presence & feed them for a while - I'd imagine he's at yours because life perhaps isn't quite so relaxed there.

Fuck being anxious about arguing, let them sulk, you should be the one feeling indignant and angry at the entitled immature child & her sidekick playing you for a fool.

NB. I am not a gentle parent.

Just say NO!
Ban him from house if necessary - I would have done this by now btw.
Say you’ll reconsider when they’ve grown up enough to get jobs and behave responsibly which includes keeping your house clean and tidy.
No jobs = no free housing and food.

They have it to easy , if you are providing food and a roof over their heads. While they chill and claim UC, they are loving it . It’s not that easy to get a job but they should at least be in education if they can’t find a job. I know you don’t mean to , but you are making it too easy . They have no insensitive.

JOB.

DS19 has been applying for jobs just now as we said he is not getting bank rolled whilst he waits on college restarting in September. All summer he can get working. Currently getting interviews but waiting to hear back. Yes, it is not easy for them all at the moment but they need to try. Start with DWP Jobs website. Mine was shown receipts from our shopping trips. They need to appreciate eating us out of house and home isn't from a magic money tree.

It's so hard isn't it. My daughter was awful at 17 with a freeloading non working boyfriend who kept trying to move in. It's really hard when you're single to walk the right line and I was far too friendly and her behaviour improved so much when I stopped letting them bully me. I hope you can find the strength 💐

I really don’t buy the ‘can’t get any job’ line. I understand absolutely that you might not get a perfect job, or a full time job - but I’m quite sure I could go to any town in the UK, sign up to the local Facebook and post ‘Hi, I’m Elise, a friendly hard working 18 year old girl. Looking for any job however small, I can babysit, I can run errands, I can clean, I can weed. £15 per hour. Please contact me on x. Thank you 😊’

I think it will be very hard for you to say no op, since it sounds like you never have, but saying no today will be easier than saying no tomorrow or in a decades time.

not only if she taking the piss out of you, but also the tax payer.

So carry on then...

@Whatsgoingonnow65 - you haven’t responded as to any concerns you might have for your daughter’s long term future? Does she have any hopes or plans?

Aren’t you raging that her adult life has begun so unpromisingly? Did you help her as much as possible to get something in place?

If she had some occupation - work, education, training - she wouldn’t have time or energy for a do-nothing, almost live-in boyfriend.

I would just say he can’t stay at all - in the end it’s simpler than arguing constantly.

You need to buck up and parent. How have you got a 19 year old adult child with no aim or ambition in life? That’s really sad. Did she not want to go to Uni or travel or get a job and earn some money?

How did it get to this point OP?

You’re being a complete doormat.

Stop providing food, tell the boyfriend to go home and start charging your dd rent.

For starters, they pay their way. It's what adults need to do. If they want to find their own place to live, they can go for it.

I couldn't tolerate someone essentially moving themselves in but obviously if it works for you that's okay.

I would honestly suggest ⅔ or ¾ of her UC. If he is staying he should be paying for food but possibly rent to....if you are happy for him to be there.

It's a hard thing to reset the expectations when you are being taken for a ride but you need to help them wake up to real life

Could you make a plan that he only stays certain days of the week and any requests out of these days won't even be acknowledged. You decide on the days which suit you best. So if you don't mind a Monday night and a Friday night then you need to not even consider if they come to you on a Wednesday asking, eventually yhe requests will stop.

Tell them to get a flat of their own, when they say they can't afford it tell them to get jobs or else all of the stopping over ends. He's not yr responsibility Op

She has no job though.

she gets some kind of benefit.

You set rules, you charge rent (maybe not much) and require chores. BF does not stay at all. You don't argue. You don't discuss. Its your way or the highway.