Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

Why is she taking one? Makes sense for her to just start uni surely unless she’s saving money for uni?

Also don’t understand why she’s having a gap year if she’s got no plans? What’s the point? They’re not obligatory.

If she’s set on a gap year definitely some sort of program to work abroad ?

@JuliettaCaeser I think she's coming to the end of her gap year. And some DC aren't ready to go to university straight from school, they need an extra year.
OP, you sound as if you've had a terrible time yourself and I really hope things improve for you.
I think your DD will be fine, she'll move into university halls presumably and make friends either there or at societies. She's gained experience from working this year and a European city break sounds fun. If she wants to be adventurous could you put her in charge of travel and daily planning and sourcing food once you're there? It would also give you a mental rest.

So she’s starting uni after the summer?

So it’s done and dusted really. It hasn’t been a wild success but uni imminent. I’d just be philosophical about it and look to the near future

Absolutely DD had very few friends until she started uni last year. She's been having a total blast in her first year. She did join quite a few clubs which has helped her meet more people. But she is totally loving it.

She didn't take a gap year though and wouldn't have had anyone to go travelling with at that point.

If you read the OP properly the DD is at the end of her gap year so too late to undo the decision of taking a year out.
is it too late to join one of those organised travel tours for teens?
it’s a shame her social life has not worked out and it does sounds as if a gap year was probably not a great idea but you are where you are. I would suggest some voluntary work away from home so she has to make the effort to talk to others, it does sound like she relies on you heavily.
I’m sorry I don’t know of other options but she needs to make the best of where she is and not compare (so hard to do I know) and trust that she will find her social life at uni.
has she already booked accommodation? I understand from friends that are going to uni that they get put in touch with others in their halls so they can chat before they live together. Maybe she could arrange to meet new uni friends in advance? It sounds like she may have to fake some outgoing confidence to make some contact.
I feel for you, it’s so hard to watch your child be unhappy 💐

It's not too late for her to do something with her summer if she has some money saved, I can highly recommend the plan my gap year volunteer or travel experiences. My very shy dd went on her own to Sri Lanka Bali and Thailand with them and had a great time. When she gets to uni encourage her to join societies as it's the best way of meeting people.

Pointless having a gap year to do nothing. Her social life is not your responsibility.

Thanks both. It's very reassuring to hear that things have come together for your DD MigGirl.

A gap year was pretty much essential for DD. If she'd have gone to uni last year, she'd have panicked and come home at the first hurdle. Her confidence has improved overall this year.

I've really been trying to encourage her to do more outside the house. For years, actually. There was a very badly handled bullying situation when she was 13/14, which resulted in her having to move schools and the effects on her self-esteem have cast a very long shadow over her teenage years. I've tried multiple times to engage her with the idea of therapy or counselling, but she flatly refuses.

Yes, she has booked her accommodation and I need to remind myself and her that she does have an adventure coming in just a few short months.

Thanks again.

I had a gap year where I mainly worked, it was fabulous as I had such a good chunk of work experience under my belt and plenty of savings for enjoying university

Does she have some hobbies? It's a good idea to find a club at university to help with socialising so if she doesn't have something now would be a good time to explore what she likes

She could go off travelling on her own? I loved doing this on my gap year . I travelled to visit friends and family abroad but then took detours to spend a day here or there exploring cities on my own. Do you know anyone who lives anywhere interesting that she could visit?

It's not pointless to take a year out and work. Ops DD will hopefully have a decent savings cushion and lots of valuable worn experience . She will also be more mature and hopefully more able to cope with university life

One thing that strikes me from your op is that you talk in detail about the impact of your marriage breakdown on you, but you don't seem to show any recognition about how much that will have impacted your children too?

Mine were preschoolers when I split with my abusive ex, and they regressed to sharing the bed with me. It's hardly surprising your DD is sticking close after everything you have all been through

You say you can't face the idea of planning a big holiday but maybe that is just what you all need. The more time and adventures I put between me and my ex the better I felt.

She hasn't 'done nothing' on her gap year. She's worked and done a day a week voluntary work at a social/educational centre

She has done some research into the organised gap year trips but has always found a reason why each one isn't right. I know from bitter experience that my trying to push her into things with a 'hard deadline' ie you need to be in this flight on this date invariably ends with her panicking, not going and then hating herself. She's done this with so many less-investment heavy occasions over the past years (2 school proms, parties, extra-curricular activities etc) that I deliberately left it up to her to take the lead (or not) in researching these.

Not my DD ( she did go travelling) but some friends she made at uni didn’t have friends at home and now they have lots of friends and are moving into a house share together. Unfortunately my own dd became seriously ill with sepsis so it’s unclear if she will go back to uni. You can’t lament what has passed. Uni is a new start.

It sounds like she really was not ready for a travel gap year and that independence and that is fine. She can compare etc but if it was not for her she would have hated it anyway. She has worked and built her confidence so the year had done what it needed to. Hopefully she can use these skills to settle at uni and make friends and find things she loves to do. For you spend time once she had gone resetting and coming to terms with the change. I had a restore and reset winter recently where I let myself be, focused on me and felt so much stronger. She and you have many adventures ahead.

There’s a few group holiday companies which would be really good for her to do a 2 week holiday… something different and unusual - like Japan rather than Mallorca unusual…. Not goatherding in Nepal!

Christ on a bike. I am hugely aware of how my marriage breakdown has and is affecting my children. It occupies about 90% of my thoughts on a given day.

It is me that has kept the show on the road at home. It is me who has and is negotiating with my ds's school about the effect it has had in him. It is me who is always, always there as a stable base for them, despite feeling utterly traumatised by the way my marriage ended and having no family to turn to. Not one. Oh, and working full-time in a demanding role.

I completely understand their 'regression' and insecurity. My point is that I cannot provide what a 19 year old needs, it breaks my heart to feel so powerless and watch her go through another lonely summer and I can't find the time and space I need to grieve.

No, a big holiday is not what we need. His dad not being there would be to difficult for my ds and I cannot provide 24/7 entertainment and social life for 2 teens by myself. Not this year anyway.

I'm sorry to hear about your DD keepswimming38. That sounds so awful.

The purpose of the gap year was to build her confidence and become more independent to help her to be ready to take the next step to Uni - it sounds like this has been achieved, so her gap year has been a success.
People travel at different times my DD is travelling now with her job, she spent 3 months in Finnish Lapland at Christmas and is now about to embark on a contract which will take her to all kinds of incredible places.
At 18 she was not ready for that independent travel, whilst at uni her cousin moved to Japan so she went to visit. That gave her another boost of confidence to do all the travel she is doing now. The interview for this contract was in Amsterdam so she took herself off on the Eurostar again she could not have organised that at 18.
Everyone lives their lives in different ways and comparison is the thief of joy. Celebrate your DDs increased confidence, the parties will happen if she wants them at uni - my DD spent most weekends of her second year in clubs.

I second the posters suggesting gap year organised trips. I went on a couple when I was student age - pretty much everyone went on their own and then bonded with the others in the group, some going on to travel together after the organised activity (usually volunteering). If she really doesn’t want to then she will just have to work/mooch around at home for summer when not on holiday. But try not to feel sad about this as it’s not uncommon - social media is fake and lots exaggerate the out and about friends/festivals vibe when it’s only a snapshot

It sounds like you could do with being signed off work for a few weeks maybe if you are struggling so much. That would hopefully give you the space you crave while the children are at school/work

I literally told you in my post that I had been through similar but my children were tiny. They were still night waking. And yes I was working full time (compressed hours so I could have a day 'off' with them). I know it's shit and tough and if you don't want a holiday thats fine but I found going on lots of adventures with my children was really healing for all three of us and that was the basis of me suggesting it. I have been through a lot of tragedy and always found it better to keep doing things, however hard it feels

As someone who also went through a marriage breakdown which was awful for everyone.
Your DC don’t need you to be some all singing, all dancing socialite. They need you to be present and consistent. Your DS needs for you to be the consistent one even if it leads to battles, because that is what parenting a teen is.
You and your DD are now building an adult relationship - going for coffee together, shopping together.

You have 2 kids of similar ages - do they not want to do something together? Would they not be able to take a trip abroad or go interrailing together? Then they're not alone and you don't have to go with them or entertain them.

She will probably meet people at university and then take a year to complete travelling after uni if she had the money and the desire to do it. I would say that’s more likely with a mix of friends and a bit more life experience than at 18.

My DD took a gap year and worked. Honestly, it was very similar to your DD. The few friends she had went to uni and had a busy life there. Others started grown up jobs / apprenticeships. So there was a bit of a sense of being left behind and being in limbo.
DD's job was 9-5 and although her weekends were free, she didn't have a lot of socialising. Definitely no clubbing or wild parties. And yes, I used to joke that I am her bestie!
Anyway, going to uni changed all that. My DD found her feet. She found like minded people and ended up living with them. She's done a few trips with her uni friends- nothing too exciting mostly places around the UK and an dubious Italy trip - but these were paid for and organised by her and friends.

She's finished now and coming back home to start a proper job. Definitely not the awkward & shy teenager that went to Uni, but a confident and outgoing young adult. (Which she needs to be for her choosen career path.)

I think a lot of gap year expectations are very high, the travelling, the socialising and all that. Buy unless DC have a big friendship circle or a very outgoing & confident personality it's a bit tricky. And then there is the cost of all that fun. So they either need to earn the extra money or are lucky enough to have family parents to pay for it. All you can do is give her reassurance and support in those first few months at uni. And hopefully she will rely less and less on you for her daily emotional support. That in turn will give you time and space to heal and start your new chapter in life.