Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

I think if your DD's confidence has improved then the year has been a success. And, as you say, she has worked and volunteered. Just because her gap year has been different from other people's doesn't make it any the less valid. Everybody's circumstances are different.

When your DD gets to uni she is starting a new phase in her life with new opportunities opening up.

Please don't be hard on yourself because you are doing the best you can for you and your children in what sounds like difficult circumstances.

Im sorry you got that comment @Shinyredbicycle. When I read it I thought " the op's going to explode ". Im not surprised you did. Some posters are beyond tone deaf.
Anyway, the only thing I can think of is possibly counselling for yourself, although I know counselling is the be all and end all here and its expensive and hard to get the right person...but so saying that, I just wondered if counselling for you could help you see the woods from the trees and maybe help you feel more positive and useful in helping your dd? I hope that makes sense.

In the short term, I guess suggesting to her to look up what clubs or societies are available in her uni and she can hopefully look forward to that?

I feel for you. The hardest part of parenting is accepting you cant make things better for your kids. Its just shite.

I know it’s not for everyone but you don’t have to travel with a friend as many posts have alluded to. Solo travel is amazing and it’s so easy to make friends when staying in hostels.

Unfortunately, being signed off work wouldn't really help as dd is around the house a lot during the day. I love her dearly, but am finding her suffocating. She is applying for jobs during the day (her current work is mainly evenings) and if she is successful, then yes I will take some time off.

Work gives me somewhere else to go and other things to think about.

Yes to those who say dd's gap year has achieved what it was meNt to - broadened her life experience and increased her confidence. It's helpful to keep reminding myself of that.

I can't understand why your DD took a gap year. Your OP makes travelling sound very diffficult, either as a family or alone. Presumably she's going to be on her own when she moves for university and it doesn't bode well if your OP is anything to go by.
My DD didn't take a gap year. She's now 19 and just finished her first year. She was advised not to because her degree is in mathematical physics, although she did spend several weeks travelling alone through Europe before beginning university. It did wonders for her confidence and I think helped protect against home-sickness when she moved away.
It's not too late for your DD to book a solo trip.

I’m so sorry you and your DC have been through such a tough time OP, and that your ex is being so useless - I’m sure your DD will have a fab time at uni, but if you wanted a cheap family holiday before she goes, would you consider PGL? I went a couple of years ago in August with my DC (then 8 and 9) and honestly, it was great - obviously loads of organised activities but also down time and socialising time with the other families, my DC were amongst the youngest kids at that point. Most of the staff will be about her age and it’s very friendly! Plus as a bonus, all food is provided so no need to cook, definite advantage in my eyes

PGL

JacknDiane thanks. Yes, that comment hit a raw nerve, however helpful the poster was genuinely intending to be.

Yes, looking forward is important to encourage her to do. These long, lonely summers are very groundhog day for both of us, and I do keep telling her (and myself) that it won't be like this forever, please god.

It sounds to me as though she has spent the year well. You say that she wasn’t ready for university last year but she now seems to be. You haven’t spoon-fed her or pushed her into a trip and she concluded from her own research that none of them were quite right for her. That sounds like her making a sensible decision based on her own self-knowledge.

My DD2 needed a year after Alevels to regroup and decide what to do. She has AuDHD and was exhausted by 6th form. A year to consolidate and think about what she likes, is interested in and could cope with really helped. She is at university abroad now. And I would say that she is coping well and enjoying it. She is not someone who is ever really going to “have a blast”. That’s not her personality. And it sounds as though it may not be your DD either. They’re still figuring out who they are and what they need and want and they have to do this against a backdrop of social media images which all scream “THIS is what being a successful teenager looks like”.

University is almost here. The summer is a time to get ready for it. Earn some money. Buy some supplies. Focus on the new adventure but also think about what she genuinely likes and enjoys. If mad Freshers Week clubbing is not her thing, that’s fine. There are lots of other people who don’t love that either.

It’s not your job to be her social life and at 19 she should be mature enough to reflect on what a difficult year it has been for you and what you might need. It sounds to me as though she has had quite a sensible consolidation year and what’s needed now is not you becoming her social support but perhaps some conversations about authenticity and the confidence to be yourself and that could start with you. Don’t spend the summer desperately trying to distract your daughter by doing things you don’t want to do. Model being true to yourself and open with those you love.

DD took a gap year because she did not have the confidence to go to uni last year (see my post about the long-term effects of poorly managed bullying). She has bottled out of 2 proms, several parties, lots of extra-curricular things that I've pushed her into and more. She'd either have panicked and just not gone or come home at the first hurdle.

I do think going this year is much more likely to be successful for her and very much hope that this is the case.

This might sound pretty dull compared with travel in East Asia etc, but based on my own dd’s experience, I suggest a pub/ bar job between now and uni. DD, now 30, had a pub job in her year between 1st graduation and her master’s. She was in a similar social situation, living at home again with friends either from different cultures that involved socialising for a few hours in coffee shops (fine, but not enough for DD) or out busy out in the world. She said working in the pub was her “social skills” training year where she learned to chat to people of all ages and backgrounds and in that one year working in a village gastro pub she made great friends, some she still sees regularly now. A new social life opened up locally, going out after work in a town she didn’t really go to before, she was earning and saving a substantial amount of money while she didn’t have bills to pay while living at home.
DSD is on a gap year ( or two) now working in a city centre bar/restaurant and loves it. She is always out, has plans with friends, girls holidays etc booked and recently met a bf. Also, the independence is facilitated by earning her own money. She only really comes home to sleep and eat these days.

Many of my friends who have children of a similar age have found them really struggle to build independence and find their feet. Social media has a lot to answer for in terms of everyone feeling they are missing out.

Could she join some clubs? Learning to dance? Walking club? Amateur Dramatics? Volunteering at Cubs/Beavers? Join a gym?

What about something like working in a seaside hotel in the UK? There are lots of gorgeous, family oriented, family owned hotels in Devon and Cornwall (PM me if you want suggestions) and I think plenty will offer live-in roles. You could travel down with her for a week while she does interviews and gets the lay of the land. The atmosphere there is quite different so she would feel as if she had ‘been’ somewhere and lots of young people are around in the summer for the surf scene.

People hear gap year and think of travelling the world, partying, making loads of friends etc.

But a gap year can look however you want it to look.

I will be encouraging my DD to have a gap year between college and uni because she’s quite emotionally immature and has no idea what she wants to do. So she’ll be picking a degree just for the sake of it.
I think she needs the break from education and to work and earn some money and give herself that bit of extra time to decide what degree is best.

I will then probably encourage her to take a gap year after uni and use the time to work abroad or something before settling down in her proper career.

Many young people these days are much less emotionally mature and don’t have a lot of friends etc
But the good news is that they’ll still have chance to experience these things but at a later age (which I think is better).

Not everyone likes travel. Sounds like she wasn’t ready for something unpredictable and unknown. A year of working and volunteering is excellent life experience, great for CV and of course £
I travelled in my 20s. Maybe she can revisit it if that is her priority. Hopefully she will feel more confident to start uni as a result and will thrive there. And this can be her own version of thriving.

You’ve all been (and still are) dealing with a really difficult time. We live in a world of social media telling everyone how they should live their lives. Real life is not like that. Things happen, people have different personalities and yet still the world screams at us to ‘have fun’, ‘wear this’, ‘be like that’,‘do the other’.

Your DD has a few weeks before going to uni and now seems ready. Perhaps you can both enjoy the odd day out together just doing ordinary things - visit IKEA to get stuff for her to use at uni, choose a good travelling bag together, cook some basic meals together for practice, even boring old food shopping so she gets a feel for what things to look out for.

I divorced my DDs father when they were 17 and 15. My eldest did her gap year after uni though. The things that helped my DD1 was the ordinary boring things prepping for her new life, not the extravagant big gestures pedalled on SM to ‘make memories’. The best memories of that time we have are the simple, small, everyday things. And this still holds true today. My DF died recently and the most animated conversations my girls have are along the lines of ‘do you remember that time when DGD did [this], got muddled about [that], always said [some mundane phrase], cooked us [some random ready meal].

The phrase ‘life is what happens when we’re busy making plans’ is so true. Most of us don’t always realise this until it’s too late.

My niece did a 6 week trip to China/Vietnam/a few other places with a company that organises such things. There was a group of 10-12 people travelling alone and she had an absolute ball and made some great friends.

If she’s into sport/hobby she could join a club? She doesn’t need to be very good to participate- my DD’s current social circle comes from her sporting activities, not the classroom. She has never been into parties or clubbing but enjoys being social. One of her friends (now 20) joined a knitting club for young people and loves it. Even going to the gym a few times a week could help build her confidence and networks.

If her confidence has improved and she’s more prepared to go to uni then the gap year has been worth it.

in terms of travel does she like languages or water sports? At that age I did a residential language course in France for two weeks and loved it. I’ve been looking into something similar for my teens in Spain but combined with surfing so they do language lessons in the morning and surfing in the afternoon. It sounds great and they are with other teens.

Does she want to go uni? Looking forward to it? What was school like for her?

My GC are going away individually with organised tours aimed at young people. Might be worth a look? The US, Australia and New Zealand for instance.

DS's travelling companion dropped out at the last minute and he booked with this company - so although solo travel there was lots of support and everyone was in the same group. They have group leaders so you don't feel left on your own.

He was a bit nervous but had a fantastic time and would now be happy to travel on his own more but wasn't ready then.

He did a 5 week one and booked at the last minute. He had worked and saved money and we gave him a bit of a top up ( not much!)

https://www.gadventures.com

Im sure it won't. Time has got a way with moving us along, even when we dont realise it. The girl she is now is different to the girl she'll be in a couple of years time. And even if fundamentally she's the same, she'll have 2 years experience of living independently, joining things to try to find similar friends, cooking for herself and organising her own life. She'll still look for you to be her backbone, but hopefully less than she needs you now.

And then finally, finally, you can gather your own strength to build your own like minded friendships and relationships.

Try to remember to be kind to yourself in getting you all there. Buy yourself flowers, get books you enjoy out the library. Get the takeaway coffee and sit on a bench for half an hour. Get a takeaway then cooking is a faff. Throw money at a problem if you've any spare.

Do what it takes to get through these difficult times 💐

I wrote a really long post and it disappear when I tried to post it. I will try again! I've no idea why you've had snipey comments, I hope this is constructive.

Firstly it sounds like the gap year has done DD a lot of good in terms of her confidence. My DD also had to take a gap year because she would not have coped with uni and she just needed a break. She worked for 9 months and travelled for 4. I also totally understand your sadness for your daughter and hers. My daughter was the same and actually is not looking forward to coming home for her summer as she has very few friends or social network here. Part of your post asked for reassurance from other parents that uni worked out and I just wanted to offer you that. DD had had a pretty terrible time of it at school and as a result was extremely socially anxious, forcing herself out of her comfort zone by going travelling solo was an amazing achievement and did help give her confidence. Starting uni was still hard for her and it took her awhile to find her friends. She constantly had to battle the anxiety and the fear of rejection, but she knew she didn't want to just be sitting in her halls feeling miserable. She joined lots of societies, rarely said no to anything and tried lots of different things. She ignored the incessant feeling of having to be out clubbing in order to be having that uni experience because that wasn't really her. She's now going interailing with a group of friends she met at uni and she couldn't be happier. She said none of them were popular at school and they all just wanted to have a fresh start. She really wishes she could tell her 17-year-old self that running away and hiding from things only made things 10 times worse. It did take a while and we had a few wobbles around October/November where she was convinced everybody was out having the most amazing time she'd made one or two good friends wasn't really having the big social life she wanted. That seemed to change around the time people started dropping the fresher friends and were looking for more meaningful connections and when she went back after Christmas had a much better time of and now is sad her first year is over.

Anyway if she has the money I would encourage her to do one of these organised travel or volunteer experience. Sri Lanka has a great programme for PMGY with amazing local support.

and good luck for uni and 💐 for you as it sounds as if it's been really tough.

Hi OP. I just wanted to say that I identify with a lot of what your DD is going though. I had a lot of social issues at school ( I have some ASD traits), and gravitated towards the nerdy crowd, which yes, often included people who didn’t have a partying lifestyle (because of cultural reasons or otherwise).
My gap year sounds similar to hers. I was on a casual contract but the business were going through a particularly quiet period so I was moping around the house a lot because I didn’t have a lot else to do.
In the midst of all this, my parents separated and I moved out of the family home to live with my DM.
However, I did find my feet during uni and first job. Don’t get me wrong - there were still challenges and lonely times, but by the end of uni I was living with my boyfriend, and had also taken up a hobby that involved a lot of socialising. I am now married with 3 DC, and now have the opposite problem - I don’t have enough time for all the friends I have made over the years at different jobs/hobbies etc, because I am introvert and still need lots of down time.
It is very hard when you don’t know what lies ahead for your DD, but please know that just because she is struggling now, doesn’t mean this will forever be the case.

Does she really WANT to be partying, clubbing, socialising etc or does she think that's what she should be doing?

Does she have any interests or hobbies? A sense of curiosity?

I've never liked parties or clubbing so can empathise with her bottling Proms etc. But I was happy in my own company and had interests so had plenty of reasons to be out and about by myself, not sitting at home.

Whereabouts do you live? Somewhere with ease of access to things? Good public transport so DD can get around by independently?

OP I am a few years further on from an almost identical situation. You are doing AMAZINGLY. I know the pressure you are under. I totally totally get it. DD wants to do something outside her comfort zone, but also wants you there, as you are her portable comfort zone.

My recommendation would be, between now and uni, find a short trip you can do with both DC or just DD. Somewhere a bit off beat with multiple travel stages, eg fly to Riga in Latvia and get a bus to Tartu in Estonia. It will seem really different, it will satisfy that ‘cool gap year adventure’ fomo, but only needs to take a few days.

Alternatively look on Workaway and find something you can do together, in the knowledge that the hosts will provide a different dynamic and it’s not all on you.

Good luck, you have got this, you will look back in a few years and marvel at how strong you are.