Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

I can’t understand why people are going on about travelling. Many many people couldn’t do that alone. Never mind a young teen with emotional issues,

op has she not made friends at work or volunteering. This would concern me to be honest, if there are others in her age range, late teens early 20s. I’d be watching carefully at uni.

I don’t get why seeing the world is so important for many posting. Lots of employers see that as fun and not beginning anything to the cv. My DDs boarded and the majority didn’t do a gap yah. A few did years abroad as part of their degrees and don’t necessarily see backpacking as something they covet.

@WickedlittledancerMy DD was incredibly anxious, and had very few friends from school. She didn't make friends at work because there were no young people there but she got on with people well enough. She was really lonely and whilst not a clubber really wanted a social life. Nobody could believe she found the courage to travel on her own, with a group to start with then completely solo. She made friends but it was still hard as years of social exclusion had taken their toll. I worried about her travelling and I was worried about uni but I never let on. She has had a roller coaster year but has made friends as people at uni generally want to meet new people and it's a fresh start for all. It does take effort and it's important to be positive and encouraging.

People are going on about travelling because OP talked about that in her OP.

It’s also what most people do in their gap year, at least for a little bit.

@Whyarentyoureadyyetits not either or though. You can have a gap year and still go to every ball, plays elite sports

Sounds like you both did the right thing op if she couldn’t take going straight to university.

Did she manage to save some money?

I hire grads and third year placement students for FT internships (as well as senior professionals) and always prefer candidates who have shown they're capable of travelling solo. It shows balls and initiative.

It’s not the be all and end all but I think it’s great life skills to be able to plan and execute a trip abroad away from your family support. There’s other ways to do it of course but I think it’s really great if DC can challenge themselves and experience something completely different. It can change perspectives and hopefully show them how fortunate they are compared to most of the world. If it’s not for her then it’s not compulsory or maybe she’ll choose to do it later. I still think back to my time back packing in South America as a very formative experience and it was 30 years ago now! Different language, culture, food, making a budget stretch, coping with stuff going wrong and problem solving.

Fully agree. It’s not something you’d put on your LinkedIn but it builds such important soft skills. Confidence, independence, problem solving, ability to adapt and quickly build rapport with strangers

I actually have it on my LinkedIn. "X year - travelled solo round xx continents". No bull shit about "finding myself".

Looking forward to university - I strongly recommend you get her to look at clubs and societies now, so she can start feeling excited about the upcoming year. I have two kids finishing uni now, one confident, the other shy. They made friends in halls, but also at their clubs. Having a shared interest in eg sport or music makes it so much easier to make friends who will stick. And a low key family holiday where there are a few things to do nearby if you can afford it. Stay in a family room at a youth hostel maybe if funds are low. Some are in amazing places and it can be fun if a bit eccentric. Good luck to her and you too, upwards and onwards!

Can you afford a 18 to 35 holiday with intrepid? She won’t be on her own and they are amazing. Our DCs have been on 4 between them and loved them. She then will feel she has been travelling and it could top her gap year off.

She had a year where she matured, saved money, perhaps clarified her next step.
Not everyone has a gap year in the traditional sense ( travelling, etc) but it can just be a break from education. Thats ok too.

We have discussed every group holiday under the sun and there's always a reason why each isn't right.

It's anxiety, stemming from the badly managed bullying in Y9 and fear of being left out. As I mentioned above, I have discussed therapy or counselling with her umpteen times and she shuts the conversation down. Talking to someone other than me about it would be hard but ultimately good for her, but it'll have to be when she's ready.

She gets on well with people at work, but it's casual, so different people all the time. Ditto volunteering. There were lots of students on placement over the winter there but they've all gone now.

I was desperate for her to go to a sixth form with a demographic that would be more likely to go out/travel etc. She really, really wanted to, got a place and got as far as registering but anxiety got the better of her and she stayed put (not without huge dramas to say the least).

I have to wait for her to mention uni. If I bring it up, she goes straight into 'I don't want to go'. I think she will, but I don't think it's great for to hear herself say that over and over again, so I tread carefully.

Op I don’t think she sounds like uni in a couple of month is realistic unless living at home

It would seem your daughter does not want to go to uni but you want her to go to uni

To clarify, I would love her to go travelling in some shape or form. She has saved money and I offered to put some towards it for her birthday.

It would be so good for both of us. But I can't make her and to even have a chance of her actually getting on a plane/train, it would have to be driven by her.

Is she neuro diverse? Undisguised ND can be brutal. And goes hand in hand with the anxiety. She sounds a lot like my daughter apart from she was desperate to travel and managed to fight her anxiety,

Why do people rush in to diagnose. She was bullied.

Because people are often bullied when they are “high functioning” ND, because they can seem a bit different.

I'm not rushing to diagnose. My experience is that my undiagnosed ADHD potentially autistic daughter was socially excluded and bullied for alll of high school, much of primary school and always felt like she didn't quite fit in. And she didn't, hence the bullying. She had a full on nervous breakdown in year 12 and has clawed her way back, and what helped her was being able to research and understand her neuro divergence and how it impacted her. I'm not saying OPs DD is ND, I'm just raising it as a possibility as she sounds a lot like my DD and I'm trying to help. And if she is there is help and support at uni she can access. Also what @Curtainedoff said.

I agree with this.

OP, I also wonder if you are putting too much down to the bullying? Perhaps the bullying was a symptom, not the cause?

It sounds like to me that you have quite an introverted, anxious DD. You are wanting her to develop into an outgoing, sociable girl but it doesn’t sound as though that is the person she is.

No, I don't want her to develop into anything. SHE wants to have opportunities to be more sociable and outgoing. SHE wants to leave home and become more independent.

Re neuroduversity. Her dad got an autism diagnosis in his 50s and she has some traits, mainly sensory sensitivity. She has learnt to manage this much better since she started working as the environment is busy, loud and chaotic. It's been really good for her to rise to the challenge of stepping outside her comfort zone

The main issue with the bullying was how appallingly it was managed, or not. It ended with the school putting in writing that 'we support you moving your child to another school' (she hadn't put a foot wrong in the 3 years she'd been there). This was pretty devastating for a 14 year old. The effect is extreme anxiety about being turned on, ostracised and excluded, which stops her doing things.

Her gap year experiences of being liked and accepted for who she is at work and in her voluntary position have provided some much needed balance. Whether it's been enough, I'm not sure but really hope so.

You sound like a good parent. You really care and notice how she feels. You want the best for her. It might not feel like it but that’s enough. It really is.

chin up.

I can only speak from experience but I had a dd who was actually quite extroverted and wanted friends and a social life, but was impacted so much by the bullying it made her anxious and avoidant and she used being introverted as a protection. Just offering a different perspective