Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

It is not too late for her to do some travelling. My Dd was in the same position

She did a trip with GAdventures - the under 30s, Intrepid do similar. Everyone on the tour was on their own and they socialised together. It was only 2 weeks but it made a big impression on her. If I was you I would strongly encourage- maybe split the cost?

DD was similar, despite the trip only being 3 weeks long it was honestly life changing and made a huge impression. She went with TruTravels. Age range on the tour was 19-30, most of the girls were early 20s but they all got on really well as a group.

This cracks me up...you really can't understand a young person needing to work and save money for uni? I'd like your life please must be great!

@Shinyredbicyclei totally understand where you're coming from....my spectacularly useless stbxh has left me with 2 teens...the youngest one especially has been left with zero confidence around friendship issues and I cant give them what they need in that respect.

I have however managed a couple of holidays with them, nothing exciting due to lack of money and energy, but it was a really positive experience and think it helped the 3 of us heal...if you can face it I think it would be good. We literally just did 2 night city breaks

My DD has worked in a crappy hospitality job and saved for uni on her gap year but she is doing lots of travelling over summer with friends having saved enough to fund it. Most of her friends are in the same boat and we’re not bankrolled to travel for a whole year on parents money. If your DD doesn’t have friends to go with and doesn’t want to go on her own/ an organised trip then it’s her own choice isn’t it? Why would you feel responsible to fill that void for her. I think it’s a life lesson that if you want to do something exciting you have to organise it and take a bit of risk mum won’t always do it for you.

OP, I think you're taking too much on yourself. Your dc is a young adult, and can make her own fun. She could have taken the initiative to do all sorts of things if she had been motivated to do so. She hasn't, and that's fine, but if she now finds herself a bit underwhelmed, then that is not your fault.

Good grief, there are some really insensitive posts - verging on the unkind - on this thread from people who think because their child had an adventurous 'gap yah' (possibly partially or fully funded by parents) everyone else's child is the same.
OP I think that the year has been a success as she's ready to go to university now. DD1 did an art foundation year locally as she wasn't ready to move several hours away from home straight after A levels. She's went that year later and has been very successful for her first two years of her degree; she's just about to complete her industry placement year and is a much more confident young person than she was immediately post A level. DD2 is also going to do an art foundation year locally because she recognises that year will be valuable to her. Not everyone has to do the same thing!

I was a shy teenager and only properly had a friendship group and boyfriend in year 13 so took me a while. I really really had to try hard and push myself out of my comfort zone to make friends. I moved out for uni and thankfully was in a lively halls where we went out a lot. It was 2008 though.

My parents gently encouraged me to get out thrrr and meet people. I still have to try hard now I’m 30 but I learned that friends don’t just materialise - you have to make it happen

Thanks. Yes, I've booked 4 nights in a European city for the three of us in August. That feels like some sort of holiday for them and manageable for me.

My DS deferred uni as his MH was really bad - plus I things were just getting back to normal after covid. He worked most of the year and saved a lot of money. He did have the opportunity to travel with a friend but he decided not to go in the end due to his MH still not being good enough.
He had good friends in school but the most ‘travel’ he did was going down to Brighton w friends. He couldn’t cope w interrailing. He met a great bunch at uni although he’s never had a big issue making friends.

I paid for my gap years by working as a waitress (pre financial crash - big tips) from 16. Everyone from my school year (private school) went straight to uni or backpacked or did a year at art school or high end cooking school. I wouldn't want my kids to waste a year of their precious youth before university when they could be seeing the world.

She will find her people at uni op.
Enjoy your last summer with your wonderful girl - have fun. Things are going to change when she goes to uni. It’s the end of an era.
Maybe you could benefit from some counselling after all you’ve been through?
Things will get better. Good luck 💛

Sorry op that wasnt a dig - just read my post back and it sounds bitchy - I just meant rather than working for the year. Sorry it came across badly:

Instead of a family holiday, can you pay for her to go with a group? There are lots out there, young people who want to travel or backpack but not alone. Trip all arranged in advance, group does everything together, with guides to show them around, help out, keep them safe. It is really good. I always did the travelling alone when I was younger, but my more shy or nervous friends would go with these groups and they were amazing for them - a great way to meet new people too.

I’m not sure why you are feeling so much guilt and angst about your DD’s gap year. I guess it just because you’re a mum and we feel guilty about everything!

She could have gone away on her own if she wanted to. She could still go travelling for the summer if she wanted to. Plenty go travelling alone and make friends on the way. I did and my DD is planning to in her gap year. If your DD is looking at insta and getting the green-eyed monster, then that is what I would be telling her.

The world is your DD’s oyster but you only get out what you put in. If she wants to have a fun time surrounded by fun people then she needs to get out there.

It sounds like she's had the type of gap year that she needed - her confidence has improved, she's earned money, and gained experience from working and volunteering. Not every year is an adventure, some are about laying foundations or healing.

If you can encourage her to join a club or group she's interested in over summer, that might help. Maybe volunteering at something seasonal or outdoors?

I hope she has a good time when she goes away to uni, and makes new friends.

Is uni realistic? If you’re honest with yourself? Moving away, different area, loads of new people, living with new people, freshers week?

Maybe a local uni / college so she meets new people but lives at home would be better?

can she drive?

I did a gap year which was a mixture of travelling (one of the organised ones where you volunteer for a bit then go travel) and working once home. I had a good time and became fluent in another language which was very helpful, but in hindsight I wish I'd just worked for that year and then gone travelling after uni as I would have got more out of it. There's no reason she can't do that, it's not the only window for travel and having those experiences.

@Shinyredbicycle I’m wondering why she doesn’t have school friends. Why are all other dc from a different culture? Many dc do make the best of a fresh start at university. I think maybe she had delayed making new friends and there’s no one else hanging around where you live. Did other friends all go to uni.

I think I really would like some family time away from the grind. No one in the family seems happy and I would try and find out what yoy could do together - even if it’s a few fun days out. Others seem desperate for your dd to travel. Many less confident dc simply don’t. It’s expensive as well. Who pays for the flights!

She will need a strategy at university. My DN struggled for friends because she simply won’t spend any money and is very left wing politically. Being easy going gets you in with people. Plus look at societies and clubs she can join. Have a plan. Then uni becomes much easier.

Quite a few of DC's friends had to "waste" a year as they needed to save some funds for uni. They weren't at private schools, so, clearly different.

Loads of people go to uni and find their tribe. So many different groups of people with varying interests so she will need to put herself out there a little bit freshers fairs and clubs/societies will be great.

Her gap year has given her work experience and the voluntary work is great for her CV. Maybe if she wants to boost the ‘value’ of her year off she could do some online or face to
face courses that help her prepare for uni - whether IT related, AI etc.

finally, when she’s at uni hopefully she can meet some people who may like tomteabel in the holidays if that’s what she fancies. I used to (years ago
obviously) work for two months and then travel with my housemates - backpacking. Making the most of student life.

Good luck to you all. Sounds a hard year.

I had a gap yeah of working and it didn't feel like a waste for me at all
Not only did it mean I saved up a heap of money, it also got me mixing with a whole heap of different people (I came from a very sheltered life, big house in a quiet sleepy village and a rather lovely school).

The jobs meant I had office skills and customer care skills which were both so valuable for my CV when applying for professional roles

I used a bit of the money to travel that year but used more of it to really enjoy university, going to balls and travelling all over the country with my sports club. It also meant I didnt have to work in term time and I had a job to go back to in the holidays. I did a fair amount of travelling in university holidays so I didn't feel like I missed out on seeing the world at all. There's more than one time in life to have an adventure.

@Shinyredbicycle

Which Uni is she going to, OP?

There are bound to be posters who studied there or who live there and who can offer wise counsel in advance.

@ShinyredbicycleI could have written almost exactly the same post. The shy DD on a gap year watching peers on social media travelling all over the place, a separation after an emotionally abusive relationship and dealing with the impact of that on us all, and me wishing she could have a richer social life.

But she wouldn’t have coped with uni as well if she’d gone last year. And this extra year at home has helped her confidence in herself and her relationship with her sibling.

Sounds like you and your DD have been through a lot. I’m sure the time she’s had with you this year will help her feel more grounded in herself and better able to make the most of university when she goes.