Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

You only really hear about the great gaps years. I know plenty who had big plans, found it harder to get a job than expected, then the travelling in Asia fell through, etc.
It's just a year. And she's done stuff! She has plans for September and hopefully that will be better.

Worrying about what others are doing always makes me feel worse about things , DS actually told me yesterday that the things I thought were fun (for a teen) were not things he wanted to do anyway.

Hopefully you will all have time to heal in September and come Christmas will all be in a better place.

Could she be an au pair abroad? My niece did it last summer for a month in Italy.

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear what a difficult time you and your DC have had. I am another one who can add a positive story. My DD had very similar social experiences to yours and she has absolutely flowered at university and has a great group of friends. She didn’t have a gap year, but my DS did and used it similarly to your DD. He grew up a lot during that year, and is also at uni now, also loving it. I myself did the traditional middle-class gap year with foreign travel etc as did my DSis and my mum chunters about DS ‘wasting’ his. I don’t think he did at all - it got him where he needed to be. Your DD I think has done really well to get a job, earn money, manage social and home challenges and remain focused on uni.

obviously, it’s not a given that all kids enjoy uni, and I’m sure you know that, but it’s certainly a good place to start over and find your tribe. Wishing her all the best.

Gap years are different things to different people. All my children took one. None travelled.
Two of them took time off to deal with bereavements. They worked and volunteered alongside this. I think it matured them and made them more resilient at University.
Depending on where you are, travelling in a gap year is not necessarily the norm ( although it is portrayed as the norm). None of their friends had a travelling year off- they were all working hard to make university less financially painful.
They did do shorter breaks to family, festivals etc, the skills they gained were invaluable.

@Shinyredbicycle

Which subject is she going to be reading, OP?

That all sounds so hard. You are shouldering a huge responsibility, and it sounds like your ex has massively let his children down, leaving you to manage the emotional fallout from a break up his is at least equally responsible for. At least you are no longer with him.

I know this is hard but my advice would be to accept the truth in what you say: you cannot provide what your daughter needs. What she needs is the opportunity to make her own way with her own friends, and to find ways of doing this that work for her. You can encourage and support, but can’t magic up the right friends and opportunities.

So you have a summer in limbo. This will cause all of you some discomfort, but there will also be some good times together before she leaves for university. I would concentrate on doing anything I could to build her resilience and set her up for success at university. I don’t know what this looks like as I don’t know her, but it sounds like you’ve been a wonderful mum to her so far and will be able to support her though this next phase.

Helpful 🤨

My DD is just finishing her first year at Uni and has had a great time. Your DD just needs to go in with a positive attitude and work at making social opportunities happen. It's not easy for someone with low social confidence but everyone is in the same boat - be brave and frankly, fake it till you make it.
I get the impression that an awful lot of gap years aren't that great. A lot of kids aren't ready and rightly taken a year out, but it can be quite lonely and jobs are hard to come by.
Rather than mope over the summer she needs to get busy.
Can she swim? Getting a lifeguard qualification is a very useful way into paid flexible employment - especially over the summer.
If she has school friends they will be around - maybe instead of looking for the whole festival/holiday with friends, she could instead make some overtures to hang out for coffee, go to the pub etc. Volunteering is also a good way to be busy and occupied, get good life skills, CV additions and social contact.
She's going to be more independent soon as there's no reason not to start pushing her boundaries now. It will grow her self confidence too.

Do your kids not want to go travelling together as they are both so close in age?

There are loads of gap year activities abroad that are designed for young people to go out alone and join a group. A huge part of the tourism industry caters for this. Some are vaguely charitable or involve
voluntary work experience but there are also loads that are based around an academic interest or fun physical activities.

Pack her off to be an au pair or send her to a language school or find her a job abroad. There are plenty of ways to ensure she is safe while abroad without going with a friend. Her gap year sounds miserable.

I don't really understand why take a gap year if not to travel. My friends and I all went to SE Asia / Aus, separately. Could she be brave and book a return ticket to Hanoi for a month or so? Vietnam is wonderful and very easy to travel around solo.

I've never taken a gap year and went to uni at 17 and honestly now in my 40s I absolutely wish I had taken a gap year! You will never be as free as you are at 17/18/19 and I personally absolutely wasn't mature enough for uni.

@XelaMtotally agree.

I took another at 29. Rented out my flat, took a one way ticket to india. Had children three years later and it's the first thing I'll do when my youngest packs off to university.

There are a lot of online groups where you can ‘meet’ people before you travel if she has a particular location in mind so you don’t have to pay out to do an organised trip.
In uk perhaps a job at youth hostel or keep an eye out for temp jobs at festivals. Some areas have silver service waiting agencies where again you may spend the day with others at big events and then see them again on other jobs. There’s also conservation volunteering holidays in Uk.
Or she could save her money and do something like work or camp America / Canada next summer as she’s missed the deadline this year
I would also suggest life guarding as it’s the one student job there’s a shortage and you can be reasonably sure of getting work at uni (and also free gym membership)
Have a look at MeetUp or local walking and running groups. Lots of people are out hiking or paddle boarding and often grouped around similar ages
Can you holiday together in the European city or add another one so you’ve done a rail trip with them and then your dc carry on themselves it’s quite easy to meet people in hostels / interrailing.

Taking a break or two during your life is a good idea. But it doesn’t HAVE to be for travelling or between school and uni. My youngest DD did take one; she went straight from school to uni to work. But she has travelled for placements at uni and also with work. Everyone is different and is allowed to do things their own way.

My daughter was broken after a levels and had agsp year/year off working in a cafe and a few weeks back packing. Did her the world of good. First year of uni was not good- people in her flat in halls were nuts/awful. God it's hard to watch. I hear you OP - I think seeing other people on line at festivals/uni etc is mostly fake tbh but gives us all terrible fomo. Keeping busy working/volunteering is a great thing to do. Hope she finds her tribe at uni.
I had to take a huge step back emotionally ( whilst still being there) for the sake of my own mental health. Plan a few picnics/walks/shopping days that you can both enjoy. Best of luck to you it's bloody hard .xx

My own teen doesn't even like festivals. She was nearly roped into a couple but absolutely hated the idea. I think the image of festivals sounds a lot more fun than the reality to be honest. It would be my idea of hell too.

If our DS takes a gap year (unsure ATM), he will be taking an additional A level (regrets not taking this subject in his current batch) and getting a job and living at home. No exciting travels for him!

I think she’s doing fine OP. A few of Ds’s friends spent a gap year working, earning money, growing up a bit before university. Travelling alone can seem very daunting at this age (or any age actually). Good luck to her in September

Can you book a holiday to mark the end of her gap year, I know that you said in your OP that you hadn’t been able to plan one but just a week package holiday before main schools breakup or a ferry to France?

Part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning how to appropriately manage discomfort - it sounds like it would be beneficial for your DD to get out of her comfort zone and learn that not everything can run to her own exact schedule/tastes.

My own DD did a group tour of Australia on her gap year as she wanted to travel but didn’t have anyone to go with. She was nervous to go (she has quite shy/anxious tendencies) but ended up having the time of her life - met amazing friends who she is still in contact with and had the most wonderful, once in a lifetime experiences. Yes, there were low points (she fell ill and needed to see a doctor which was particularly stressful) and activities that she didn’t want to do but she managed. DD is a bit of a control freak so having to run on a packed group schedule was actually really good exposure therapy for her. She came home with a whole new lease of life and air of confidence about her.

Our DS took a gap for health reasons. Initially, this meant time just getting treatment. Then he did some work, some visiting of friends who had gone to uni and 2 inter rail trips. Some of his peers had gap years that involved charity based experiences in far flung places and a few did faraway long trips. Honestly, most did similar things to him but more work because he was having treatment for the first part of the gap. He started it worried that taking a break from studies would make it difficult to get back into the rhythm but it was really good for him in the end. One of his inter rail trips was solo, the second seeing mates

I agree with pps who say the gap year HAS been a success, just not in the way you’re measuring it. Try to change your mindset about it and help her to view all the positives from this year.

I’m sure she’ll find her people at uni, maybe not straightaway. She’ll be fine.

Could she look at https://www.workaway.info/ find something for a couple of weeks