Anyone else's teen not having an exciting gap year?

[Shinyredbicycle]

DD is coming to the end of a gap year - has uni place for September. She had friends at school who, because of their cultures and family norms, don't really socialise. She's still in touch with them and they do eg meet for a coffee but definitely not parties, pubs or clubs.

It took her a few months to get a job (zero hours obvs) and she's also been doing some voluntary work and baby sitting. She's acutely aware of peers on gap years (connections through SM not friends) going off travelling and so on. She understandably did not want to do this on her own..

She's also aware of family friends' teenagers who are younger than her having huge social lives, going to festivals, going inter railing etc. Lonely, boring summers have been a theme of her teenage years, and it's been painful to watch.

The situation is compounded this year by the fact that her dad and I separated earlier this year. One outcome of this is that I haven't been able to face organising a family holiday. My preference would be that her and her brother (17) could go away with friends and I didn't have to bother. As neither of them are there yet, I've booked a few days in a European city for us. This is disappointing for dd who wants something more adventurous..

Their dad 'can't cope' with taking them on holiday, but I hope he will take them to visit his family at some point.

I don't have any family and, despite having friends who I am grateful for, am struggling with the loneliness of separating and coming to terms with the awfulness of the last year of our marriage (his affair, domestic abuse). DD is around the house a lot, and needing quite a lot from me in terms of social contact and I haven't really been able to find the time and space to grieve. Not being able to provide/support DD to have the type of summer that she would like is contributing to my sense of failure.

Did anyone else's teen find their tribe at uni after years of a meagre social life? I just cannot provide a 19 year old with the type of social life that she wants and needs, and I'm finding the prospect of yet another summer of being on the receiving end of dd's frustration and sadness utterly overwhelming and suffocating

Thanks if you got this far!

Op I totally understand what you are saying, it sounds like uni could well be a good move for her.

Thing is, she’s 19. It’s not your job to organise a 19-year-olds life and provide an exciting summer. It’s up to her to decide what she wants and pursue it. Some people (most, actually) are just very passive and that’s also ok

Pubs, clubs etc aren’t everything. While they’re extremely normalised in our society and people feel like that’s an ‘exciting social life’, it’s not for everyone and not everyone enjoys them. In my age group many people don’t, never have, so nevermind Gen Z.

Personally for me I had a very limited social life with my peers before uni - instead I did more ‘adult’ things and was very focused on excellence and performance.

Very popular and active at uni, which was a big change compared to school.

Is your DD saying she relies on you for company and wants you to do things with her? Or is that what you’re picturing? Maybe times have changed but it’s unusual for a teen to want to spend time with their parents, surely? Some people are just perfectly happy and comfortable alone at home and don’t want much company as such. I had to explain it to my mum countless times as she kept chatting to me and suggesting things to do together. Reading a book at home is a valid plan 😇

I completely agree. Not everyone wants or needs a tip to a distant shore. DS has little interest in hot or beachy or jungly places. He does have an interest in film. One of his gap year trips was to a film festival in a European country. The tickets were good value and he met a director in his hotel. There's no way a trip to Bali or Hanoi would have been as much on his bucket list.

Yes, DD does want me to be company. I went away for a friend's birthday a few weekends ago (their dad stayed in the house with them) and she was quietly furious.

If she has more of her own stuff going on, she would have barely noticed, which would be better and healthier for both of us.

You'd love mine then. He had treatment for serious back problem in Jan of his gap year and went to a European film fest on his own for a week in March.

I think you have to ignore the quietly furious or call it out. It’s wholly unreasonable of her to expect you to never go anywhere without her. I think you should gradually do a bit more by yourself and not feel guilty as it will be good for both of you.

I'm ignoring it. I have been home a lot since their dad decided to check out of family life about 18 months ago. But do have plans to go away for a weekend again soon and other social things.

@Shinyredbicycle my eldest DC, currently on a gap year, sounds similar. They have needed the time and space to grow and be as ready as we can manage for uni. I had the kind of gap year you describe and would have wanted for my kids; I have a child who is very different and whose gap year is helping them be ready for life. They’ve blossomed, found work (in this environment that’s a big plus), and started to be more independent. Not all children’s roads look the same, which is something I’ve found hard to deal with too.

Your DC has a uni place and knows what’s next, and they’ve had a year learning what’s outside the education bubble. It might be enough.

Also I worry about DC looking to me for company. That’s not going to change if they’re not in the world. It’s not easy but I’m trying to give them the right chance

BlueyDrahom thanks and completely agree - DD needs to be out there in the world with other young people, not sitting at home on social media complaining to me about it.

I do feel for her. In the last week alone, she's had 3 tentative meet ups with friends, who have all changed their mind/plans at short notice. Two have huge social lives, so one less meet up is nothing to them and the other has gone back to her home country for the summer much sooner than she'd originally planned.

So that's yet another lonely, boring BH weekend for DD having got her hopes up yet again. She will pick herself up in a few days, but god it's painful watching her go through this again and again, year after year.

OP your daughter does NOT want to go to uni

i understand you want some space from her but you can’t manhandle her in to going! Plus she’ll be signing up to thousands of pounds worth of debt for.., well, to almost certainly drop out if she’s only going because you want her to.

She quite simply doesn’t sound the right fit for uni less living at home

Where did you get that from? She's anxious about going to university, most definitely, but she put a lot of thought into her choice, deferred when given a place last year, has booked accommodation and applied for student finance.

I didn't want her to go last year because it was so obvious she wasn't ready. She was reluctant to take a gap year as she was worried about feeling left behind/lonely at home.it was absolutely the right thing for her, and it's unfortunate that she hasn't been able to take work/volunteer friendships a step further into socialising.

I am concerned about her dropping out at the first hurdle, hence me doing everything I can to help her broaden her life experience and develop resilience (picking herself up again and again when she gets blown out).

@Shinyredbicycle

OP, could you say which subject she plans to read, please?

The reason I'm asking is that there are some short residential summer courses which might be a good fit.

Where did I get that she does not want to go? From you.

If I bring it up, she goes straight into 'I don't want to go'.

where did I get that you want her to go and that you’re desperate for some space?

your entire thread

'If I bring it up...' yes, she goes into ''I don't want to go'.

Alongside that, she researched unis and chose open days to go to. She has applied for accommodation and student finance (she did neither last year, despite saying that her plans were to go that year).

Saying 'I don't want to go' is anxiety and self-doubt speaking. There was plenty of that about school after she'd changed school and see my earlier posts for other examples. They're words.

Later on in the same day, she will talk about 'when I go to uni...' The point that I've made several times is that my trying to push her into something is counter-productive. That's why I haven't got involved in researching gap year travel for her - to be successful, it would need to be her driving it.

I am desperate for some space. Leaving aside my need to grieve, this is the sixth summer of her teenage life of her being at home bored and lonely, watching her peers on social media etc and wanting to be part of that just not being able to.

And yes for both out sakes, I am desperate for this to change.

Excuse the typos.

The suggestion that I'm 'man-handling' her to go to university for my benefit is so off the mark that it would be funny if it wasn't so unkind.

Everything I've done or not done during her whole life has been for her. She was an ultra clingy baby/toddler/young child and I lent into that when she needed it while encouraging independence.

It was highly unfortunate, to say the least, that she was kicked out of a school that she'd not put a foot wrong at for three years, and given that she has refused professional emotional support with that, it was me who picked up the pieces, got her out of her school refusal, got her through her GCSEs and 'A' levels and has used every tactic and strategy that I can to help her develop confidence, broaden her life experience and tbh have a bit of fun.

I am desperate for some space, that is true, because she is an adult and needs to become independent of me.

That's basic parenting, not 'man-handling', I would say.

OP, try to ignore the negativity of some posters.

You sound like a very loving Mum and not pushy, just fed up! I agree with other posters who say that the ball is mostly in her court. Also agree with the poster who said not to feel guilty about having your own time, even if your DD doesn’t like it. Sounds like she wants a codependent relationship with you, but at her age, even with her difficulties, it’s OK to draw the line when you need space. Easier said than done though, I know!!

You sound like a lovely mum OP and you've both been through so much. I think that she'll be fine at university. There may be wobbles in the first term but she'll get there. What subject is she studying? Is she passionate about it? From experience loving the learning helps.

It was highly unfortunate, to say the least, that she was kicked out of a school that she'd not put a foot wrong at for three years

she was expelled?

Do you have the money to go on a longer holiday with her? It sounds like you have the money to send her on one of the more adventurous gap year travel activities but she is too afraid when it comes time to do it to go.

So go with her. If you have the time can you take a two week adventurous holiday with her somewhere? So she is safe socially with you but then gets out of her comfort zone a little doing an activity she might otherwise have avoided that does involve meeting other people.

You can’t create a social life for her, but maybe improve her summer a little by helping her have some experiences that are a little more out of her comfort zone so she can meet some more people without feeling socially so anxious.

No. The school realised that it had hugely mismanaged a bullying situation. When dd was refusing to go to school, I had a meeting with them when they said they'd investigate it, the outcome being an email supporting me to move her school.

By that point, they had lied (in writing) about what actions they had taken and clearly wanted the situation dealt with by DD leaving.

I did eventually receive a full, written apology from the head but the damage had been done by then and it's been me picking up the pieces for the last five years.

We've been away just her and me a few times for exactly this reason

I cannot find it in me to do it this year, I'm afraid, not without some sort of break from each other beforehand. She's been at home more during her gap year than when she was at school (her work is mainly evenings) and we both need some from each other.

What about looking for jobs at the festivals etc. There is a company called flair events or flair recruitment or something like that. I did similar in early 20s when I had no friends to do things with.

@Hassell I don't think you are adding anything to this thread apart from making the OP feel bad about a situation which she already feels bad about. I think it's clear "I don't want to go to uni" is the anxiety holding her back not the OP pushing her.

OP there are many of us here who totally get it, you don't need to keep explaining. Your DD is stuck in crap situation and her anxiety triggered by her terrible bullying is holding her back and putting you under pressure. I can only imagine how awful she feels that the two little social things she had planned fell through. I have been there and I feel for you both. It's only really now I see my dds name when she calls and don't automatically brace myself for something having happened.

it's a shame that her anxiety is holding her back from travelling but you are right not to try and sort for her. If you can get her to look at Plan my gap year I can tell you it's mostly single female young people who do it and you can choose your voluntary programme which includes turtle conservation. It definetely changed my DDs life.

Could you have a visit over the summer to her uni city so she can find her feet at bit? Maybe sit with her and look at the societies and what goes on in freshers. Has she had her accommodation confirmed? If so, some unix put you in touch with your flat mates which is quite nice.

You sound like a great mum. I lost my dad during my Dads worst period in year 12 and thought I would go mad with the stress of it all.

Yes, she had an interview for this exact thing last week. From the Comms she's received, it looks like she's been accepted and is waiting for an email with log on details. Fingers crossed she can get sone shifts.