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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

275 replies

AmberBear22 · 28/04/2026 07:27

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

OP posts:
Justbloodydoit · 28/04/2026 07:28

Stop calling him names for a start.

OriginalSkang · 28/04/2026 07:28

He's not obliged to forgive you for any of that?

greywildoceans · 28/04/2026 07:29

YABU.

You allowed three men into the home who physically abused him. Not one, not two, but three. You also abused him physically. For eight years.

He has made his decision. You need to focus on being a better parent for your other three children and leave him be.

Tellmetomorrow57 · 28/04/2026 07:30

Is this for real?

Focus on parenting the children who live with you.

Boomer55 · 28/04/2026 07:30

Leave him be to enjoy a happier life.

Arsewype · 28/04/2026 07:30

This can’t be real - you are trying to blame him for not wanting to be in your life after what you put him through?

XelaM · 28/04/2026 07:30

Is this for real?!? 😧 Leave him alone you lunatic

User1839423790 · 28/04/2026 07:31

It doesn’t sound like you have grown up to be honest. Please leave the poor boy alone and get some counselling for yourself.

martha79 · 28/04/2026 07:31

He's about the age you were when you had him, but he's meant to behave more maturely than you did?

Bellabelloo · 28/04/2026 07:32

That sounds like an incredibly traumatic childhood. Thank goodness his father is providing more stability. He might also not feel like party of your family. Is the father of the other 3 kids around?

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 28/04/2026 07:32

Is this a reverse?

Arsewype · 28/04/2026 07:32

It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

Also this bit indicates that it’s more about your ego being bruised than anything. He’s happy where he is, leave him alone.

Dearg · 28/04/2026 07:32

You don’t deserve his forgiveness. Stop the weed, gain some clarity of thought, and reflect on the horrible start you gave him.

I rarely read an Op where I can’t find something to have sympathy for, but yours is it.

Followthesunshine · 28/04/2026 07:32

I don't think your message to him about his birthday shows maturity at all. He may never forgive you, he may also decide to explore a relationship with you when he is older but only if you don't make things worse before then. You need to be a stable and reassuring presence and allow him more time, he is still very young and you should be relieved he seems to be happy.

Dancingfairydreams · 28/04/2026 07:33

You didnt make a childish mistake, you consistently put your son in the path of abusers including yourself& failed to protect him over several years. Stop minimising that for a start.

He sounds like a sensible lad tbh

ARKane · 28/04/2026 07:33

You abused him and exposed him to abuse, OP.
No, he doesn’t have to forgive or excuse you.
You don’t even sound sorry about it.

millymollymoomoo · 28/04/2026 07:34

You gave him a terrible abusive childhood. All your excuses! Age is no excuse.

id never forgive you and certainly not while you’re so dismissive and don’t even seem to acknowledge the trauma you inflicted on him!

MaybeToxic · 28/04/2026 07:34

Unfortunately OP, you exposed him to a plethora of adverse childhood experiences and were abusive.
Yabu and you need to, in your supposed newfound maturity, give him grace... be able to empathise. What you did has made him so vulnerable to the trauma he endured. It is good that he has a loving stable home now.
Also, cannabis is illegal for recreational use in the UK... please reconsider the use of illegal drugs around your children.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/04/2026 07:34

You allowed numerous men to physically assault him in his own home? You yourself were physically abusive?

Yeah sorry he isn’t obliged to get past this.

You obviously had a hard time of it but if you want forgiveness and understanding you need to lose the defensive attitude and start really trying to listen to him.

Birdsongisangry · 28/04/2026 07:36

You can't undo what you've done. Your choices may well have had life long consequences for him. For that reason he has no responsibility to forgive you. He may do, he may not, but it's his choice to make.

Kalimeras · 28/04/2026 07:36

you sound like you’ve given him an absolutely terrible start in life. Be thankful he has a decent motherly prescence in his life from his stepmum and focus on being better for your other children. Maybe reach out to him to apologise for your terrible message and let him know you’d love to make amends, you love him, and you’ll be there if he ever wants to get in touch. Then leave the poor boy alone

Decacaffeinatednow · 28/04/2026 07:37

What you subjected him to is unforgivable.

TheCurious0range · 28/04/2026 07:37

Well she is replacing you, you had 8 years to parent him and instead abused him and allowed others to. Sounds like he is much better off where he is with parents who care for him

Ohcrap082024 · 28/04/2026 07:37

What have I just read??

You say you have “changed” and that you are an adult now. Bullshit. You are sending him messages all about your own needs. Adults/parents put the needs of their children above their own wants.

You were an adult when you were physically abusing the boy yourself. You were an adult when you chose cock over your son.

Do yourself and him a big favour. Leave him be. Concentrate on raising the little ones. And hope and pray that one day, your son decides to give you a chance to repair the relationship.

PinkNailPolish2026 · 28/04/2026 07:37

Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up

So, not only did you physically and emotionally abuse him you allowed others to do the same? You don’t deserve forgiveness, and people at 20 know right from wrong. I’m glad your son is now in a stable family. Leave him to live his life in safety and peace.