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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I feel sick

84 replies

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:25

I feel very sick,dont suppose anyone has had a situation like this?
Just found out that the job my DD16 has been dropped off at for the last 2 months doesnt exist,it appears that she has been going to see her bf.She has told so many lies I cannot bear to think about it.She has even been giving me some of her "wages" to save for our holiday.
I have been unable to contact her all day and as her friend now knows that i have found out I'm sure my daughter knows I know as well and I am frightened that she will not come home.
I am so ashamed of her for being so devious and myself for being so trusting.

I've survived 2 sons,just very minor issues.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 14/06/2008 15:27

I have no real advice as I am just beginning the teenage stuff with a 14yr old ds and finding it a challenge.Maybe she was just too scared to tell you?Where has she been getting the money?

Swedes · 14/06/2008 15:28

How old is she?

Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:30

I would like to think that she has been getting the money from her Bf but i dont know if I can believe her whatever she tells me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:30

16

OP posts:
ingles2 · 14/06/2008 15:31

blimey Jane...
Why would she do that do you think? Do you know the bf? do you approve? Where's the money coming from?

ingles2 · 14/06/2008 15:32

Was it much money?

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/06/2008 15:32

Where did she get the money to give you?

How old is her boyfriend?

How did you find out?

TBH I would be tempted to go to boyfriends house and get her - but I know nothing have 8.5 yr old DD - I am just thinking of all the trouble I got into as a teen, lying to my parents...

Have you ever tried stopping her from seeing this boy? Trying to discover reason for sneaking out.

I think some fairly major grounding may be in order until she has regain your trust, she has really taken you for a ride. Again I know nothing and this could be completely the wrong solution.

Swedes · 14/06/2008 15:33

Poor you. My only instinct is for you not to be angry with her. Be very disappointed and upset but not angry.

Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:33

Yes I know the bf ,I'm not keen but I have not stopped her seeing him.She has been out with him to cinema etc and to his house and he has been here.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 14/06/2008 15:34

ok... I think I'd go and get her and get the full facts before deciding anything or going nuts.

Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:36

She isnt there as I have phoned Bf home.I am just sitting waiting and praying that she comes home.Dh says she will come home as she will not be afraid to face the music.I think he is wrong.

OP posts:
Swedes · 14/06/2008 15:36

When I was 16 my parents thought I went to stay with my friend most Saturday nights but in fact I camped on the beach with my boyfriend and some other friends. I think most people fib to their parents in their teenage years to some extent.

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/06/2008 15:38

Swedes is right quiet disappointment is the way to go.

But she does need to rebuild trust, you have been treating her as a 'grown up' and she needs to behave like one.

BUT my main fear here is she is legally old enough to leave home and if cornered may feel she has no option. Although ignoring it is not really an alternative either.

Blandmum · 14/06/2008 15:41

Stay calm

When she comes in calmly tell her that you know all about the job issue, that she is in trouble at the breech of trust that this means between you both. Tell her that you know every thing but that you want her to tell you the truth. and that if she tells you everything and is honest, that things will be better for he in the long term

Don't shout.

Then wait in silence for what seems like hours. and she may well tell you everything

brimfull · 14/06/2008 15:44

how did you find out?

do what mb suggests

ingles2 · 14/06/2008 15:45

I agree with MB and MDS...
you must be so shaken and shocked but don't think the worst just yet. You need to hear the full facts from your dd. Be very calm.

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/06/2008 15:47
Blandmum · 14/06/2008 15:48

Our deputy head des this all the time with kids who have done something daft. I would say that 95% of the time, the kids tell the truth.

You have to sit and wait in the yawning chasm of the silence for it to work. There have been times that I have witnessed this and i've almost confessed!

Cynthia32 · 14/06/2008 15:49

Tell her its going to take a long time to rebuild your trust. Get to the bottom of where the money is coming from. Maybe don't allow her to go to her boyfriends for a bit.

Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:51

I did it myself but her lies are so huge and complicated ,for example "I cant come to nans because I'm working late"how can she ever gain my trust,she is a very disorganised person and also very forgetful(She is dyslexic) I am completely gobsmacked as to how she has carried this off.I have trusted her far too much,I bumped into her in our local shopping centre 20 minutes after I had dropped her off,she just said "hi!I am having my break now as it so quiet."Guess what I believed her!
I also feel such a fool as I'm sure some of my friends must know as they have daughters who know my daughter.

OP posts:
brimfull · 14/06/2008 15:52

It is extremely hurtful when they lie to you.

charliecat · 14/06/2008 15:55

why has she felt the need to lie? have you any idea?

Original poster
jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:59

ggirl-I went to where she works to give her some money for lunch and her friend who does work there said my DD wasnt needed today as it was so quiet,so first i thought where the hell is she then?When i got home I phoned her workplace to find out some more info and was told she had never worked there.
I managed to contact DD's friend who confessed all.
To add to this mess I've just found out today that she is on the pill as well after having soooo many conversations with her she has sworn blind that she does not sleep with BF

OP posts:
Hassled · 14/06/2008 16:00

It could be that she never meant for the lie to get quite so out of control - once she'd lied initially, it would have been almost impossible to dig herself out of the hole. She can't have thought through the ramifications of how long she would have to sustain the lie.

Tortington · 14/06/2008 16:05

i think that you should sit down and have a conversation - draw a line under it and say that - ok they are having sex - at least she is being responsible - you need to be the person she come to - rather than the person she lies to. and you need to tell her that.

she need to get a job and your are disappointed and that you need to draw a line under it now and both start again.