I feel sick

[jane9450]

I feel very sick,dont suppose anyone has had a situation like this?
Just found out that the job my DD16 has been dropped off at for the last 2 months doesnt exist,it appears that she has been going to see her bf.She has told so many lies I cannot bear to think about it.She has even been giving me some of her "wages" to save for our holiday.
I have been unable to contact her all day and as her friend now knows that i have found out I'm sure my daughter knows I know as well and I am frightened that she will not come home.
I am so ashamed of her for being so devious and myself for being so trusting.

I've survived 2 sons,just very minor issues.

I dont know what to do.

That's the first thing I thought, Custardo. I wouldn't just take her word for it. It's frightening how easily and convincingly they can lie about stuff. As someone else said, they can really break your heart.

Also re the pill. My DD 16 went on the pill. I advised use of condoms as well but she is a bit scatty to say the least. I had hoped she would learn from my situation and not take risks. I repeatedly told her 'Don't think it'll be ok to take the risk because it won't'. But it wasn't enough and she got pregnant. She had a termination about 6 weeks ago and had a contraceptive implant fitted at the same time.

I wish that option had been discussed with her earlier. I didn't think it would be offered to someone so young for some reason and it wasn't offered as an option when she went to the Family Planning place originally. If your DD is forgetful then it may be worth discussing other options with her or you might find it's only a matter of time before she falls pregnant. It's been a really difficult time for us and not something I would wish on anyone.

It's difficult though if she won't admit being on the pill. Are you positive she's still having periods? The weight gain rings alarm bells with me. I suspected my DD was PG when she kept running to the loo, felt sick and said she had a craving for Wotsits! I made her do a PG test - she said she was glad I did as she had suspected but didn't want to admit it and was scared of telling me in case I threw her out. I didn't and hope I was as supportive as possible under the circs.

Sorry to go on about it as this is a side issue to the one about the job but it's an issue that could have much more long term consequences than if she's got a job or not.

My head wants to ring alleged workplace but so scared of the answer.Have spent all night worrying she is pregnant,I have asked her outright a couple of times but she is adamant she isnt cos she never "done it".???!!!

She wont talk to me just keeps shrugging her shoulders and tutting.

She is as I type emptying the dishwasher(without being asked!)and has hoovered her room and then will probably get down to some revision for her final GCSE.
Think I may try to get her to talk to someone else as she seems to dislike me so much.

jane - she doesn't dislike you - she's just being a teenager who doesn't want to talk to her mum about this stuff.

Guilty - emptying dishwasher to get in your good books

There is no point in her talking - if the talking isn't true.

You need to explain to her that as she is 16 she is legally allowed to have sex and it really isn't any of your business but that you want to help and guild her making the best choices and this is why you ask. Then leave that subject.

Explain that if she has a new job thats great but their is no point in telling stories as eventually she will be found out, which is just plain silly as there is no need? shrug shoulders.

Tell her your the adult now and I am here if you need guidance but make it claer you can't live her life or make her choices for her.

Maybe instead of telling her to be careful etc, you could suggest that together you go to the docs/family planning and talk about what options are open to her so that when she is ready 'to do it' she will feel that you are on her side. Also then she would have to come clean about whether she really is on the pill or not.

It sounds to me that the helping with the dishwasher and hoovering her room is more her way of trying say sorry and a way to please you rather than hiding any guilt.

She certainly doesn't hate you.

I have to say that i too would have to check the new job isn't another lie. Having got one very lying teenager, and another attempting to head the same way do not believe the first story they come up with to explain their lying sorry.
MB will definately try your silence thing, though suspect it may not work with DS1 as I will probably crack long before him.

No I didn't mean she was hiding something - guilty feelings that she has done something wrong, been found out and now trying to please by doing things that she knows she should do without asking anyway. It is surprising what being in the dog house does to d/p's and dc - that they suddenly get on with household chores.

My [jmm] face is cos I am not keen on this type of behaviour, household chores as a way of trying to put things right?

Well we've "talked",the Other job was only 2 days work so at least shes come clean about that,I asked her to give me the phone number so I could check,she says the money has come from saving up her dinner money,some wages and a bit from BF.???
A lot seems to be worries about exam results and the fact that she thinks we dont like Bf.She says he haas not asked her to do" it",personally I dont think she is emotionally ready for sex yet,but what do I know!
Yes she does want to be independent but realises she needs us to help and guide her.Still sucks her thumb and rubs silky labels!
Have talked about the other alternatives for her contraception wise as a pill each day would be out of the question but she said she doesnt need it and has assured me she will let me know so we can go to see doc together.But can I believe her?
She did say she would wee on a stick to prove that she isnt pregnant.

Personally, I think it would be sensible to go along with her to a family planning clinic. You don't have to sit in with her but I think it's important that she discusses her options with someone. If she's in a relationship it's inevitable that sex will happen at some point (if it's not already) and she needs to be prepared for that - so does he. In fact he should go too at some point. My DD would say they weren't doing anything but she went on the pill anyway. When she got pregnant she said they had used a condom and she was taking the pill ok but I feel they took a risk and got caught out. She won't admit that of course.

It's important that they realise their actions can have consequences for the whole family. I wish I could advise you about the lying issue but it's something I'm still trying to deal with myself to some extent. It's hard to trust them once they've lied and really hard to build trust back up again. It's good that she's come clean about the job though. How did you react?

It's such a difficult time, they still need you just as much as they did when they were little but they're so adamant that they know best. It's also really hard to let go and see them make mistakes. I'd rather deal with babies and toddlers any day than teenagers!