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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I feel sick

84 replies

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:25

I feel very sick,dont suppose anyone has had a situation like this?
Just found out that the job my DD16 has been dropped off at for the last 2 months doesnt exist,it appears that she has been going to see her bf.She has told so many lies I cannot bear to think about it.She has even been giving me some of her "wages" to save for our holiday.
I have been unable to contact her all day and as her friend now knows that i have found out I'm sure my daughter knows I know as well and I am frightened that she will not come home.
I am so ashamed of her for being so devious and myself for being so trusting.

I've survived 2 sons,just very minor issues.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Cynthia32 · 14/06/2008 16:09

TBH I'd be less annoyed about her being on the pill than the lying about the job. She is 16 so it is not illegal and she is allowed to go to the Doctors and get contraception without your permission. You should be thankful she is using contraception, yes you are hurt because she didn't tell you but she doesn't seem to share a lot with you - this leads on to the lying about jobs issue. Maybe you should focus on getting her to be more open with you and get her to trust you more.

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 16:11

I can only think that it is so she can do as she pleases every friday after school and during the day on saturdays,i should have guessed when the hours were just too good to be true.

I treated her to some new shorts and vests and a dress yesterday for our holiday as she has put on weight lately(I wonder why)I feel like taking it all back or cutting it into tiny pieces!

As I type I have just realized something else,the beautiful dress bought on payday.How did that happen?

OP posts:

lunavix · 14/06/2008 16:14

Could you try and play it cool.

When she gets in, pick up a newpaper and say you have been looking for jobs for her. She should either admit it or argue. Or possibly say nothing.

Find out where she's got the money from? If it's bf insist she returns it, then from her new job pays for the items you bought her to 'repay' her debt from lying.

lunavix · 14/06/2008 16:16

Also I'd tell her you want to trust her again that she's going to work. Plus unless you've already had one have 'the' talk about sex and stress contraception. I wouldn't bring up that you know she has it. At least she is responsible enough to get it, you can just hammer in a bit more to use it.

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 16:17

I'm not cross about the pill just wish she had told me as there are better methods for someone who has a very poor memory.

OP posts:

Cynthia32 · 14/06/2008 16:22

Like what? I would have thought being on the pill is the best form of contraception for a 16 year old.

Blandmum · 14/06/2008 16:23

Not if she has a poor memory and forgets to take it. I would also encourage her to use a condom as well as using the pill to protect from STDs

micci25 · 14/06/2008 16:28

you said in your op that it appears that she has been going to her bf's. meaning that you dont know for sure yet? so stop panicking.

yes there are better forms of contraception i.e. the injection and hopefully she is using condoms too. but at least she is using something. with a less responsible teen it could have been a lot worse. you could be looking forward to welcoming a grandchild. but your not be thankfull that she is responsible and taken reasonable precautions. maybe she didnt tell you as she thought you would over react?

also could it be that she does have a job just one that you may not approve of and so has told you that it is elsewhere? maybe she is glass collecting in a bar or even serving if she has told the managers she is older? helping her bf at his job?

i cant see her bf giving her money so that she tell you she is working.

tearinghairout · 14/06/2008 16:48

I know that feeling! I'm so sorry, I too am coping with teens (14). They break your bloody heart, don't they?

It sounds to me as if she enjoys making up stories, might be all there is to it, a sort of fantasy world. I mean it might not be malicious, and she might not even be aware that it's wrong/lying, just a bit of make-believe to her.

As to the Pill thing, I had a friend who was on the Pill but wasn't sleeping with her bf. We were 18, and for her it was 'just in case', so don't jump to conclusions.

I hope you've had a bit of time to get your head round the shock. I learned to take a step back and, though it was REALLY hard, to try to keep an open mind. It's her life, remember - you can't live it for her, just be there to listen & advise. Try not to judge. I know this all sounds very harsh but I really do understand, and it's really difficult. Good luck, and hugs to you both.xx

Tortington · 14/06/2008 16:50

if the pill is not the best method of conraception in your opinion - i think that she should be able to discus this with you.
you should be the person and create the environment where she can come and discuss these things.

i am not saying that what she did wasn't horrible - it clearly was - but i think you are in grave danger of ruining your relationship with her if this turns into a big thing at home - all it will do is drive her into the arms of her BF - she will end up pregnant with quads and a simlge parent in a council flat on a poor estate claiming benefits and eating chcken soup made from boilin the bones - before she is 17.

you can say " look i know what happened, i would be lying if i said i wasn't dissapointed - but look you are an adult ( ok lie) in the grown up world you need to get a job because thats how things work - so sweetheart, lets concentrate on doing that first. job or college - your choice - lets get this thing done.

I lov you more than words can say, you are everything to me and i want you to be happy. I want you to be able to come to me and confide in me.

lets face it, if your BF is condoning though inaction or encouraging activley - your lies - then he mightn't be the great guy you think and who youare in love with. A good man would encourage you to make your own life and have your own achievements, not encourage you though inaction or otherwise to lie and stay at his house having sex.

now the sex thing. Right your on the pill. thats great i am so proud of you for taking responsability and i only wish that you felt able to come to me so we could discuss you options. You are having sex with you BF - right there is is - its out there, you don't need to lie about it.

so lets get you a job or a college placement. lets come to a decision over house rules ( what time you have to e in etc.) a discussion about practicalities. i understand you love him and want to pend time with him - but practically i need to know when you are home for tea - should we make it mon wed fri? tues thurs you o your own thing - i mean you can go out after tea if you want, but i would love to sit down and talk to you about your day, how it wentat work, your boyfriend - your life - becuase i love you.

Darling put yourself in my shoes. you have a daughter who you love with every fibre of your being. right are you there? imagining that? ok. now as a mum do you want whats best for yor daughter? do you want her to be happy and have a job she likes, her own money to spend, her taste of freedom - but as her mum do you als feel that you ned t still look out for her? and be there for her?

see?!

i think we should draw a line under this. lets not let it spoil everything - but please note that you can only piss on me once becuase i have feelings too.

ok then where should we start? job paper or internet?

Nighbynight · 14/06/2008 17:04

I have been reading all this great advice with bated breath, as most of my children are terrific liars and none have hit the teenage years yet. Cant wait to try MB's yawning chasm of silence!

My Au Pairs are very realistic about AIDS. They wouldnt dream of having sex without a condom, and they are pretty wary of a man who is ready to do it without a condom. So I would expect the same from my dd when she's that age.

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 17:10

Sorry I should have made it clearer that it was only a "Saturday"job to earn pocket money,she is off to do a performing arts BTEC in september,she must have walked that audition with her acting skills!

OP posts:

cameroonmama · 14/06/2008 17:18

Sorry I have nothing useful to add as my dd is still so tiny, but I have to say that Custardo's post brought a tear to my eye. If my mum had approached me and said such a thing to me at 16 I would have been in tears and probably felt much closer and willing to confide in her.

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 17:22

Whats worrying me is I feel strangely calm.

Thanks everyone for all the advice,I am going to try and keep calm but I have this horrible feeling I am going to do this all wrong.Trying to pretend nothing is wrong for sake of dd8 who has been performing a show for me on and off all afternoon but she is very quick and doesnt miss a trick and has just asked if her sister is grounded?!

OP posts:

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 17:44

Custardo you put it so well,I just hope I can get the words out like that.Thats if I can speak at all.
I love her desperately and have tried to talk about all sorts of things with her but also in a light hearted way as she did not even like bra shopping.
Both me and Dh have talked very openly about sex with her and she has told us outright that she doesnt sleep with her bf.
I feel a complete failure as I must have got something so wrong.

OP posts:

jammi · 14/06/2008 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 17:55

I have a feeling that she will be so ashamed of what she has done that she wont want to go out.
I was just putting the" grounded "question from my younger daughter in as an observation,I wish it was that easy.

OP posts:

ProfessorGrammaticus · 14/06/2008 17:55

Custy that is awesome. I might print it off for 5 yrs time (except I'd only lose it).

I'm sorry to be the voice of doom and gloom but something is nagging at me - why has she put on weight?

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 17:58

The pill? I hope.

OP posts:

pofaced · 14/06/2008 17:59

I feel desperately sad for you and take the Custardo line but if you have genuine worries about the possibility of her not returning home, you should immediately contact the friend who told you the truth and explain very clearly to her that while you are not desperately happy you are not desperately angry and so she (DD) should not feel in any way that she is not wanted/ expected at home as usual and hopefully the message will be delivered quickly so she is not afraid to come home.

Good luck

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 18:07

She does not know where my daughter is,I have contacted friends Mum as well.
friend seemed to think dd was going to watch a cricket match,I am sure this friend will tell her if she gets in touch with her.
I think my dd is unaware at this stage that she has been found out.

OP posts:

kiddiz · 14/06/2008 19:08

Oh Jane9450 this is all familiar territory. I started a thread the other day when I discovered after my ds2 had gone to Download that he hadn't been in to college all week or arranged the time off... he told me he had.
ds1 however went one better than this. I unexpectedly returned home one morning to think someone had broken in. Went very courageously upstairs to find him "hiding" in his room. Turns out he hadn't been to college for over 3 months. I was as furious with college as I was my ds. He has sn and had been in special ed since the age of 3. This was a link out course at a main stream 6th form and no one from either his sn college or the main stream one thought it neccesary to tell me they hadn't seen him for 3 months.
Now I feel a really crap parent. One wayward teenager is excusable maybe. But 2?

ingles2 · 14/06/2008 19:39

Hi Jane.. have my fingers tightly crossed that dd has turned up with a reasonable explanation x

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 19:46

She is not home yet.As soon as she gets to bf's house his family will phone us,she was supposed to be going to the cinema and then to friends for a sleepover,another lie.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 14/06/2008 19:51

don't do this v. often but
for you. Waiting is always a nightmare.

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