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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I feel sick

84 replies

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 15:25

I feel very sick,dont suppose anyone has had a situation like this?
Just found out that the job my DD16 has been dropped off at for the last 2 months doesnt exist,it appears that she has been going to see her bf.She has told so many lies I cannot bear to think about it.She has even been giving me some of her "wages" to save for our holiday.
I have been unable to contact her all day and as her friend now knows that i have found out I'm sure my daughter knows I know as well and I am frightened that she will not come home.
I am so ashamed of her for being so devious and myself for being so trusting.

I've survived 2 sons,just very minor issues.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

cameroonmama · 14/06/2008 20:05

jane, I wanted to check back in and see if you had heard back from her, so sorry you haven't yet heard. I'm sure you are doing the right thing by contacting her friends. Good luck and thinking about you.

jammi · 14/06/2008 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 20:57

Just had the call,dad is on his way to collect her.

OP posts:

VaginaShmergina · 14/06/2008 21:01

Jane, been watching your thread, glad she has made contact, what a relief.

You will get thru this. I lied thru my back teeth as a teenager and if my DD treats me the same my mother will laugh her head off.

Agree with everyone else, try to remain calm, re-set boundries etc etc.

Good luck

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 21:04

I dont know how to begin,help!

OP posts:

ingles2 · 14/06/2008 21:08

don't begin Jane,...be calm, let her do all the talking.
Good luck x

VaginaShmergina · 14/06/2008 21:09

I reckon a box of tissues and a cuddle for the both of you.

You have been worried sick about her (also a "no no" not being able to contact her !)

She has been crapping her pants.

Just be patient and take your time with her, give her chance to explain but in turn she also has to listen to how she has hurt you and that its not accpetable.

How long before she is home ?

ivykaty44 · 14/06/2008 21:10

I would wait until the morning, calmly softly softly let your dd stew until the morning. Saying nothing and acting calm can have a dramatic effect, just say we will talk about this in the morning.

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 21:10

5 mins?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 14/06/2008 21:12

Calm, deep breaths count to 10 and keep counting to 10 good luck

Tortington · 14/06/2008 21:14

good luck

i agree save it til morning if you possible can ( i coulcnt - i can't hold my own piss ) but i reckon the advice below about waiting til morning is proably better - if nothing else its becuase the evening and nightime - for some reason not known to me - seems to heighten emotions IMO

Original poster

jane9450 · 14/06/2008 21:18

You have all been very kind and have helped me through what seems to have been the worst day of my life so far,except the day I had to confess I was pregnant at 18 that is.
My son is 21 now and lovely,he is at this moment keeping dd8 out of the way for a while.

OP posts:

bluewolf · 14/06/2008 21:24

good luck jane, one day you'll both look back on this and laugh. I think she's just creative and probably just telling you what she thought you'd want to hear.

VaginaShmergina · 14/06/2008 21:29

Was DH primed to give her the silent treatment or has he got a soft spot for her and giving her tips on how to approach you ?

She should be back now........

Twelvelegs · 14/06/2008 21:36

I don't have any teens but can clearly remember being one. I lied to my parents because no matter what I did they were disappointed and I got in trouble that I may as well have done what I wanted anyway. I didn't lie about the big stuff but got into a habit of telling lies and then drove a wedge of deceit between me and my parents over nothing really. This all worked until I slept with my bf and used no contraception and had an IUD which caused me to pass out. I broke down and told my mum and everything sort of mended. She was calm (very unlike her) and really appreciated the sharing.
If I were you I would not talk about anger but disappointment and working together to put things right, if you blame and shame your dd I think she will focus on you being 'unfair' and not take responsibility.

VaginaShmergina · 15/06/2008 07:28

Morning Jane,

How did it go ? Thinking of you this morning.

Original poster

jane9450 · 15/06/2008 09:56

I was very calm but she doesnt seem to even want to speak to me.Has an answer for all of it,turns out she got the sack on her first day and got herself another job nearby so thats how she got the money.So she must have been running back to original workplace each time for us to pick her up,about 5-10 minutes away.I think the stress she has been through must have been incredible.
Has admitted that she couldn't keep up the pretense much longer,denies emphatically that shes on the pill,told me to search her bedroom.Has stayed over at boyfriends but can see no wrong in that.
She says She didnt tell us about the first job because we would have been angry,I must admit I wondered how she got it in the first place because she is only ever able to do half a job,ie its her job to lay the table(when she remembers)she put the mats out and forgets the cutlery,I asked her yesterday morning to strip her bed she made it beautifully instead,she does not even know what lessons she has each day at school as she can not retain this sort of info yet she has managed to lie to us for 2 months.

OP posts:

Original poster

jane9450 · 15/06/2008 09:58

Ps she wouldn't let me hug her.That really hurts.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 15/06/2008 09:59

My ds is dysptraxic and sounds v similar although he is only 14 How do you know she is on the pill?At least you didn't have a full scale row before bed but you do need to cloear the air I don't envy you

Original poster

jane9450 · 15/06/2008 10:03

Her friend told me and also her periods have been very erratic every 3-4 months, and now the last 2 or 3 have been like clockwork,every month.

OP posts:

cameroonmama · 15/06/2008 10:45

At least you know the truth now and you sound so calm about it all. I would never hug my mum much from 16 onwards, I'm still not keen but I love to hug my dc. I can see how that must be painful.

Is there any other female adult that she can turn to/confide in, that you also know? Your or dh's sister, a friend's mum? It may be somewhere for her to turn to to pour out her heart and express her frustration at your relationship. She could act as a sort of objective go between to keep the channels of communication open?

Swedes · 15/06/2008 12:07

Glad to hear you are both OK. It might be the best thing that has ever happened for your relationship. You remaining calm and sympathetic (but disappointed at her deceit) will mean that she will feel she can come clean with you should she ever really get herself into difficulties in the future.

I personally would commend her if she is on the pill. It is very responsible behaviour. Besides, not being on the pill is not evidence of her not having sexwith th her bf. I would try, if you can, to convey your support for her mature behaviour but disappointment at the fact that she felt she had to do this in secret.

I was an extremely good kid, never ever took drugs, smoked or did anything illegal (I had sex for the first time on my 16th birthday so as not to break the law). I worked hard at school, I was helpful and sociable even to my parents. But I often fibbed to my parents about my whereabouts and the fact I was having sex with my boyfriend. I didn't feel I could go on the pill in case the doctor who was a family friend ever told my strict parents. We also didn't feel we could buy condoms as we lived in a very small town and we were scared word might get round.

Luckily we didn't get caught out with our rudimentary understanding of the rythmn method but no doubt both lots of parents would have been quick to complain about our lack of responsibility!

Sorry so long.

nappyaddict · 15/06/2008 12:22

At 16 I probably wouldn't see anything wrong with staying over at her bfs either. She is probably telling the truth about not having sex. She might be on the pill just incase or to get her periods more regular. But if she was - why do you think she would lie about it? Have you told her that you don't mind if her and bf are having sex or does she think you are asking her because you don't want her to do it?

The bottom line of it is that she hasn't lied to you that much. She has still been going to work when you thought she was at work - it just turns out it was at a different place. she hasn't been spending all her time having fun with her boyfriend and pretending she's got a job which is what you originally thought.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 12:24

About the pill, is it wise to ask her today? Perhaps save that discussion for a moe harmonious time, besides if she is sexually active and not using a less risky from STD barrier method checking about the pill may mean she comes home in a few months pregnant.
Give her time and space and I'm sure the hugs will follow as at the moment she probably is too angry and wants to hurt you, it will pass..... I liked my mum again by the time I was 27 and had my first child !! We're supposed to want distance otherwise we never leave home!
Take care.

Tortington · 15/06/2008 18:39

are you going to check out whether the other job is a lie?

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