14 year old very intense relationship with 'boyfriend'

[Marble02031]

I won't go into too much background but my daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. They were in primary school together and they reconnected in year 10 after my daughter moved from an all girls school to a mixed school.

The messages on snapchat between them are very concerning. He is telling he he can't be without her he wants her to go to his house everyday. I told her no she could go some days she needed other interests and she can't sit in his house 3-10pm every school night. His parents are fine with this.

She ran away last Thursday from the house during an amber weather warning. I suspected she'd gone to his house I went there. There was no answer I came home to phone the police but his Mother then messaged me to say she was there she was safe and could stay. I told her no and she was to send her out as I told her she was not to go out and there was snow. They live a 15 minute drive away.

She was kept in all over the weekend with no phone. Monday I allowed her to go there on the basis she would not be there 'every night' she messaged me from there saying his Mum said she could sleep over. I said no this isn't appropriate. I made her come home at 9pm as she had homework and needed a bath. This caused no end of issues.

Tuesday during the school day she sent me 400 messages begging to go there. I had to block her phone.

She came home spent all night making threats. I left the room and went to bed to avoid confrontation as she was just arguing with me. At 10.45 I woke up and she was awake. I told her to go to bed. At this point she rung her boyfriend was ranting and raving telling me she was moving out. I left the room during which time she was screaming she was scared of me. I told her if she left the house I would call the police.

At 11.40pm she ran out of the house and into the lane behind my house which is unlit. I got in my car and drove around to find her she wasn't there. Her life 360 had been turned off on the main road where I was parked. I drove around for 5 minutes, rung her she blocked me. My Mum lives in the next street I woke her up and we went to this boys house.

I knocked the door. No answer I got a Facebook message off the Mother telling me my daughter was there would be staying and would come home tomorrow and if I wanted to call the police I could.

I knocked again they refused to let me see her and told me to leave. I rung the police.

The police attended immediately told me that she wanted to stay but they would remove her if I wanted.

I don't know these people really she was made to come home. The Mother told the police I was abusive to my daughter and that they picked her up as they were concerned she was in danger and they took her home.

I was livid but didn't say anything if they had concerns surely the appropriate route would have been the police.

I came home sent my daughter to bed and removed her devices. I have been through them and whilst she was there it is clear there was some sexual contact between the two of them they are allowed in a third floor room unsupervised with the door closed. They are teenagers this isn't appropriate at 14.

Furthermore, in the messages was this boyfriend telling her his parents said to leave and they would collect her. I managed to look at her maps on her phone and they picked her up at the bottom of my street it was all planned and it took them 30 minutes to even tell me where she was. I kept her phone yesterday but she must have signed in on snap on someone elses at school. There were 300 messages between them that concern me.

They are very codependent he is saying he can't live without seeing her he is nothing without her. She is telling him she will be with him forever. She wants to go there Friday.

I have told her no. I am not stopping her seeing him but I do not want her in his house. The parents have no rules or boundaries and after what they did I have concerns.

The boy has depression and anxiety he has been having therapy since primary school he never goes out apart from the school.

I just don't know what to do here. My daughter is neglecting her school work she is in set 1 for everything and I want her to do well. She won't listen to me she has been telling him I am beating her he is telling her his parents will get her.

Social services were not much help they told me they don't believe what she is saying. The police gave her a stern talking to about leaving the house without permission putting herself at risk.

I feel I have no control here and I don't know what to do.

Is she using contraception?

You are pushing her towards him. Wait until she is 16 and moves out to live at his. The way you are behaving is suffocating your daughter constantly checking up on her not letting her make her own decisions. She’s 14 not 4 less than 2 years time and she will be off and you won’t have a say in her life. Teenagers need guidance not treat like a prisoner

Why was she saying she was scared of you?

Not sure what to say, it sounds like a very difficult situation. And made all the harder by the other parents being very unreasonable, who picks up someone’s child in the middle of the night and doesn’t immediately msg you to let you know she safe. Aside from them saying they believe you are beating her without evidence. Probably just focused on their son being happier rather than being fair about your child. Can you encourage them to spend time at your house as a compromise? Has she made any other friends at the new school?

You're making this situation worse. Would she have "ran away" if you'd just let her be where she wanted to be?

Relationships at this age can be very intense and "all-in", don't you remember that from your own youth? You couldn't have slipped a piece of paper between me and my boyfriend at the time.

You need to give her more space.

whst you should have done is welcome him in. She probably would have backed off after a bit. You needed to tak to her openly about healthy relationships andsex. Speak about how to make sure you are comfortable doing sexual things, what to do if you're not. How waiting can make it better. Make sure she understands about contraception, how to use it, and when to use the morning after pill.

It's going to be very hard now to get to a place you can talk. I would suggest some family counselling and get an external person to help you talk through how to move forward.

You have made it far too exciting, like Romeo and Juliet. Whereas if you had let it play its natural course it would have probably petered out. Or you could have at least talked to her sensibly about some of his behaviour.

If she won't go to counselling, is there another adult that you confides in, and that she listens to? Get them to be her go to if she needs helpm

I would apologise, say respect that she is older and can make decisions. Ask for a reset and then try and get someone else to talk to her above the above in a calm respectful manner.

Inform school today as to what has happened, everything. They should be able to talk to her and put some support in place. She is spiralling and his parents are bat shit encouraging her to sleep over at 14. They are probably hoping she will fix his depression and anxiety.

There was a similar post a couple of years ago from a parent of a 16 year old boy where the girlfriend's Mother would pick him up from school and take him back to their house. It was very hard to break them apart. Again the girl had mental health issues and he "helped" her with them.

I would probably invite him to your house as their house has no rules. Have dinner, talk to him, engage with him. You don't want it to be a us against the world situation. I would be worried they might plan to get pregnant to stay together forever. I would also invite any of her other friends over to the house too, lots, she needs balance.

It looks like you are a lone parent. Does she see her Dad at all? Is this the first time someone male has told her how loved she is, how beautiful she is? That is some powerful stuff.

I think you need to have a conversation with her…

tell her you should be able to see him … Friday to Sunday. Not on school nights and that she needs to concentrate on school and other friends and activities. Not to get lost in one person.

At 14 it’s ok to have a boyfriend but don’t let the boyfriend drag you down.

I can understand completely why you have addressed this in this manner - but obviously it is making it worse. All you are doing is pushing her towards him.
not sure how would be best to handle it now - I’d probably attempt to speak (calmly and kindly) to her and say you are sorry, you’ve overreacted and you e struggled with this development. That you love her very much and you want to try and work forward. He needs to be welcome at your house and she needs to be able to go to his - maybe you could compromise and say she can go there a certain amount of time but could she spend two nights a week at yours.

Choose an opportune moment when she'll engage with you and sit down and listen, really listen to her without any interaction from you.
Sleep on it.
Speak to her about how it is for you.

OP,

I agree with you. This is way too intense. At 14 and in Year 10, you still need to be spending most of your time at home and focusing on schoolwork, friends and sports etc.

And 100s of messages in a day sounds obsessive. She needs firm boundaries and to work within them, both for you and, most importantly, for her.

Give her the security of telling her well in advance when she can see her boyfriend and make that contingent on keeping up with her academics and friends etc.

It is awful that the other family won’t back you up. I would tell them that you will only allow your daughter to see their son if they agree to support you in this.

She shouldn’t have a phone.

There is so much wrong headed advice here to basically treat a 14 year old as an adult.

Year 10s aren’t close to being adults and aren’t ready for adult levels of autonomy (I teach them).

Contrary to what many will say on here, they will later thank you for being a good parent, rather than a friend.

Just because you don't agree with it, doesn't make it wrong.

And no, it's very very unlikely that she'll ever come back and thank you for being a good parent, later in life. She'll have moved on and forgot about it because it's a blip in time.

They’re teens, everything is intense at that age but also blows over fairly quickly! You seem a bit extreme…calling the police is a bit much! Make sure she is on contraception and maybe try to reiterate that she needs to do some school work? Sounds rough though , I was a real brat at that age….i remember once my mum put all my stuff in bin bags and threatened to throw me out!

Agree with this. Can't believe other posters seem ok with this. This reminds me of a waterloo road episode with a deaf lad who became controlling and abusive to the girl. You're doing the right thing op. As for the boys parents, they clearly dont care about boundaries or their son if they allow this.

She has been allowed over his house just not everynight. She has homework and hobbies to go to these are all being pushed to one side. Surely it is unreasonable to be sat in his bedroom from 3pm to 10pm every weeknight and also over the weekend from 9am until 11pm. This isn't a healthy relationship and this has happened over 2 weeks.

I have spoken to her about sex she refuses to discuss contracteption and will not go to the doctors. The boys Mother says he is kind and considerate and wouldn't do anything. The messages I have seen are of my daughter saying she didn't like the way he touched her and it made her feel uncomfortable.

In school he ignores her. I had to pick her ip last week after he put chewing gum in her hair and threw snow on her.

He was welcome to come over but because I don't allow them in the bedroom alone or leave the house so they can be alone I am unreasonable and controlling. She has told me she is sleeping over tomorrow as his Mother says it is OK.

16 is the age of consent that is different. 14 is too immature to be having sex and dealing with the emotions that come with it in my opinion.

She left the house at 12am we didn't know where she was? I don't know these people? Social services have told me it was correct to ring the police as she was vulnerable.

I am a lone parent she doesn't see her Father he is in prison for DV she hasn't seen him since 1. She has grandfathers and my Brother so we have positive male role models. This is her second boyfriend it wasn't like this with the last one they went out together in a group and did other things.

She absolutely will remember if she fucks up her GCSEs because of an infatuation with a kid at school. She’ll be reminded every time she goes for a job.

I think a sit down discussion with you and another role model like your Dad, setting out ground rules, is appropriate. And a conversation about coercion and sex, including emotional blackmail.

I would also approach the school. Make a safeguarding referral with relation to the boy’s mother, and encourage teachers to talk to your daughter sooner rather than later if and when her grades start to drop.

As a practical point I would put controls on her phone so it is inactive during the school day. If she’s sending 400 texts a day to you, Good knows how many are going back and forth between her and the boy.

thats really hard. I’d have the same parenting style as you. I’d be concerned if my daughter was running away etc. Can her friends come over a night a week, so she hangs out with them? Contraception is the other thing, so the depo injection or the implant.. also put the locks back on her phone and take it off her at 8 pm..

I have removed it. She logged into snapchat on another device in school. In the last 2 weeks the school have confiscated her phone 6 times. Her class charts was all green and now she is going to be on report for bad behaviour.

Having been through something similar with an intense teen relationship and early sexual activity I think you need to do less punishing and more talking. She’s past the point where you can just say no and she does what you say. You need to get her on board and earn her trust which you clearly don’t have at the moment. Mines a bit older now, but basically I kept them close where I could keep an eye on them and gritted my teeth through some undesirable behaviour and as a result they felt able to be open with me. It was worth it, we’re pretty much out the other side now with our relationship in tact.

When you contacted social services did you speak to the early help team and did they have the information about the sexual contact and her not liking it. This is really concerning to me and the fact that mum is facilitating is potentially a criminal offence.
school safeguarding lead should also be made aware as he sounds like he can’t handle his emotions - chewing gum in hair and throwing snow is reminiscent of primary school behaviour when boys like girls.
they may be able to have some influence with him and/or the family.
I would kill him with kindness and continue to invite him to your house and maintain your boundaries.