14 year old very intense relationship with 'boyfriend'

[Marble02031]

I won't go into too much background but my daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. They were in primary school together and they reconnected in year 10 after my daughter moved from an all girls school to a mixed school.

The messages on snapchat between them are very concerning. He is telling he he can't be without her he wants her to go to his house everyday. I told her no she could go some days she needed other interests and she can't sit in his house 3-10pm every school night. His parents are fine with this.

She ran away last Thursday from the house during an amber weather warning. I suspected she'd gone to his house I went there. There was no answer I came home to phone the police but his Mother then messaged me to say she was there she was safe and could stay. I told her no and she was to send her out as I told her she was not to go out and there was snow. They live a 15 minute drive away.

She was kept in all over the weekend with no phone. Monday I allowed her to go there on the basis she would not be there 'every night' she messaged me from there saying his Mum said she could sleep over. I said no this isn't appropriate. I made her come home at 9pm as she had homework and needed a bath. This caused no end of issues.

Tuesday during the school day she sent me 400 messages begging to go there. I had to block her phone.

She came home spent all night making threats. I left the room and went to bed to avoid confrontation as she was just arguing with me. At 10.45 I woke up and she was awake. I told her to go to bed. At this point she rung her boyfriend was ranting and raving telling me she was moving out. I left the room during which time she was screaming she was scared of me. I told her if she left the house I would call the police.

At 11.40pm she ran out of the house and into the lane behind my house which is unlit. I got in my car and drove around to find her she wasn't there. Her life 360 had been turned off on the main road where I was parked. I drove around for 5 minutes, rung her she blocked me. My Mum lives in the next street I woke her up and we went to this boys house.

I knocked the door. No answer I got a Facebook message off the Mother telling me my daughter was there would be staying and would come home tomorrow and if I wanted to call the police I could.

I knocked again they refused to let me see her and told me to leave. I rung the police.

The police attended immediately told me that she wanted to stay but they would remove her if I wanted.

I don't know these people really she was made to come home. The Mother told the police I was abusive to my daughter and that they picked her up as they were concerned she was in danger and they took her home.

I was livid but didn't say anything if they had concerns surely the appropriate route would have been the police.

I came home sent my daughter to bed and removed her devices. I have been through them and whilst she was there it is clear there was some sexual contact between the two of them they are allowed in a third floor room unsupervised with the door closed. They are teenagers this isn't appropriate at 14.

Furthermore, in the messages was this boyfriend telling her his parents said to leave and they would collect her. I managed to look at her maps on her phone and they picked her up at the bottom of my street it was all planned and it took them 30 minutes to even tell me where she was. I kept her phone yesterday but she must have signed in on snap on someone elses at school. There were 300 messages between them that concern me.

They are very codependent he is saying he can't live without seeing her he is nothing without her. She is telling him she will be with him forever. She wants to go there Friday.

I have told her no. I am not stopping her seeing him but I do not want her in his house. The parents have no rules or boundaries and after what they did I have concerns.

The boy has depression and anxiety he has been having therapy since primary school he never goes out apart from the school.

I just don't know what to do here. My daughter is neglecting her school work she is in set 1 for everything and I want her to do well. She won't listen to me she has been telling him I am beating her he is telling her his parents will get her.

Social services were not much help they told me they don't believe what she is saying. The police gave her a stern talking to about leaving the house without permission putting herself at risk.

I feel I have no control here and I don't know what to do.

The school will have seen the change in her behaviour over the last couple of weeks.

I’m sure they are aware of the boys issues as well.

You need to clearly state that you have evidence that the boy has been touching her inappropriately in a way that your DD doesn’t like and as such it’s inappropriate that the two of them are alone together.

If you tell the school the parents were complicit in picking your DD up from home and essentially facilitating her running away from home at midnight, they’ll understand how batshit the boys parents are (if they don’t know this already).

You also have proof, via their snap chat conversations, that regular parenting stuff (such as trying to get your child to have a healthy breakfast before school) is being described as abuse and that your DD has made up allegations of beatings that the police and SS have verified are false.

It does sound like your DD probably has some trauma from the DV you suffered at the hands of your incarcerated ex, has she had counselling for this?

Essentially this boy is trying to control her by blocking her relationships with friends and family and locking her away in his house. That can’t continue as it’s unsafe for her, I would be very open to the school’s advice as to how to help this situation moving forward; does he have a reputation for this sort of thing? Are there girls further up on the school who have gone through a similar thing and would be willing to speak to your Dd about how unhealthy it is?

I could have written something like this (and have, in the past). My daughter was in a 2 year on/off abusive relationship with an older boy with all sorts of issues.

I asked my daughter recently if I could have done anything differently. She said that if I had backed off it would have been over much more quickly. It’s easier said than done though, and really hard to balance with genuine safeguarding concerns. I found school totally useless, we had police engagement too which was pretty useless as well. I think my DD is only recovering now, a year later.

what I would do… stop checking her phone. You know enough, all that is happening now is you are getting drawn into the drama & feeding it. Agree some sensible boundaries. She can see him after doing her homework, encourage him to come to your house, try your best to make time to do things she enjoys with you - shopping or trips out or whatever. You’ve got to try to keep your relationship with her positive & safe. At the moment you are setting them up as Romeo and Juliet and teenagers love that shit.

It’s very clear to me that this is a deeply troubled boy whose parents are worried sick about him and are focused on giving him what he wants, no matter the cost to your DD.

I would write them a letter and keep a copy. Draft and redraft until you think it is right. Tell them that you do not object to the relationship itself but that you want your DD and their son to have happy healthy well rounded lives and you think the intensity is not good for either of them. You want both of them to focus on their education, friends, family as well as each other. Suggest some ground rules. Ask them to work with you to give both your children support in navigating how to have a healthy relationship. There’s a very high chance they will ignore you but at least you can say you tried.

Talk to your DD along the same lines. Focus more on the idea that in a healthy relationship you each have time apart and time with friends and fulfill your school/work obligations.

Then I’d involve the school too.

I would also continue to be consistent about the amount of time they spend together and collect her when you consider it suitable, focusing again with her on what a healthy relationship looks like.

Im so sorry. It’s sounds really tough. But continue to parent her. And also look after yourself. Do you have an EAP at your work? If so I would use them

Wtf he put gum in her hair?!!

I'd tell the school definitely and also no phone over night. She's 14 which is still really young. This is not appropriate behaviour she needs really firm boundaries. Don't ban her from seeing him but they need to be closely supervised.

I left my ex when my daughter was a few months old. She has never seen him since as we have a no contact order via family court. Do you think this would have affected her? He beat me once and once only I reported him and he was ws charged and convicted. He is in prison as he has gone on to abuse other partners. I don't say anything bad about him. If she asks questions I am honest with her in an age appropriate way.

It has just been the two of us for almost 14 years. We have always had a good relationship, she goes to friends they can come here.

This boy won't come here though. He also won't go out he has said he likes her spending time in his bedroom. I have invited him over I have offered to pay for them to do stuff together she asked him and he said no.

He doesn't do anything with his parents they go out with their other kids and he stays at home alone. I think he has significant issues with anxiety, depression I know he has self harmed as another parent told me that she stopped her son going there as she was worried about the impact this boy was having on her son.

My daughter has told the school she has mental health issues and the only person who can help her is this boy. They offered to take her to speak to the school counsellor and she has refused.

The school are aware they rung me to collect her.

The school used to be two separate schools a boys and a girls school. Now they have merged and since then there has been a huge deterioration in my daughters behaviour.

I have picked her up early from school on 4 occasions since September. Before 2 of these occasions she has contacted me hysterical on the phone. The school said they would deal with it. But I find them useless. They just send her to wellbeing and allow her to sit there on her phone.

He sounds very controlling. They are only two weeks in and I wonder if your daughter will start to feel that her life is becoming quite small with him. Needy people very quickly become a drain on you. I think she is probably enjoying the feeling of being 'needed' but hopefully the novelty will soon wear off. Keep the lines of communication open if you can.

I had an intense boyfriend at 14. My mum let him come around and also stay over, she also helped me get in the pill. This was all based on the fact that we didn’t ’do anything’ while others were in the house. Teenagers will find a way so it’s better to ensure it’s safe. You’ve been through her phone so you clearly haven’t given her any indication you trust her so she’s not going to come to you for help if she needs it. You might not agree with her age but the way you are going about it is not going to stop her. Also, I was with him every day and I still managed good results, actually I rubbed off on him and he did better at school.

you are going to lose your daughter

No advice, but I really feel for you. Some pp are posting like this is a normal teenage relationship. It’s not. This boy is creating an extremely unhealthy, coercive relationship dynamic where his well-being and even life is dependent on your daughter being physically with him, in his house. This is a controlling relationship dynamic.

I suspect his parents want your daughter there as part of his coping mechanism for his depression and isolation.

No where is your daughter an independent person with rights and needs of her own, in this ‘relationship’

I think you’re doing the right thing. This boy and his batshit family are bad news and I would be doing everything in my power to keep them apart. I would allow him to visit my house on certain weekday evenings, supervised, but that is it. I don’t know what circles some people live in, but I don’t know one single parent who would have allowed their child to spend time in a household like that (coercive boy with mental health problems, strange mother encouraging children to make false allegations of abuse and refusing to send my child home, a boyfriend who bandies the word paedophile around without knowing what it means, no adult supervision).

The only thing I think could have saved my daughter is sending her away to boarding school within the first few weeks, before he got his claws deeply into her. But I realise that’s not practical.

get her into counselling. She needs a safe person to talk to. My DD didn’t tell her counsellor everything as she was always seeking to protect her abuser. But she did tell her some things.

He seems very needy he has messaged her several times today asking are they still together as he can't cope without her. Telling her he is deeply in love with her and needs her to make him happy.

The school have called me to say she is in isoltation as this is the 3rd time this week she has been caught with a phone. Prior to this she has all green on class charts and no negative behaviour.

He is still messaging her now asking why she is ignoring him, has she broken up with him, he is worried. There are 100 messages in the space of 20 minutes. I haven't read them but her phone is going crazy.

This isn't normal is it?

@Marble02031 he does seem very very clingy with your daughter

@Marble02031 no it’s not normal. But the problem is if she says she wants to be with him, she won’t just agree to not see him if you say so. You’ve already seen this.

Urgent meeting with the school pastural care for their advice on how to handle this. They will not want her to be getting in trouble at school or grades decreasing due to this either. They’ll be on your side and might have some ideas. Worth a try.

Am I reading the replies correctly? Let your 14 year old stay at a boys house! Umm no thank you.

I have a 14 year old girl, but I have rules which some may find strict but we are in agreement.

Avoid boyfriends (it’s probably easy for me to say as I had a teen pregnancy which resulted in my DD by a guy I met at aged 13, so although I’ve done alright, I have reason). If you do have a boyfriend tell me, but no sleepovers or anything like that - especially not before GCSEs.

I know it depends on the girl, and some girls can be easily swayed. I don’t know what advice to give. But she is so far in.

I always say the best thing we can give our daughters is confidence, a sense of self esteem and worth, as that will help them make the right decisions for themselves. But this takes years to build, and it’s intentional.

Depending on your relationship with her, I would find some time to speak. Like really let her speak and you listen. I have found myself sharing stories about myself to my DD at this age, because sometimes, as mums, we are not relatable. Our kids might think we have no clue what they are going through, but can you find it in yourself to find a story that’s shows an element of your vulnerability (it could be with a friend or family member) and are you able to listen to her without demonising her?

Whilstwe don’t agree with her actions right now, she needs to be heard. The other family have power because they are hearing her and acting.

Good luck. Wish I could give more advice, but I hope you get your DD back x

Sorry, no - I think you’re right and not being unduly controlling at all. But I suspect she think you’re the most controlling parent that ever lived so it’s about adapting your methods to get to a position that works for you both, and it’s not working at the moment.

I think it might work even better given it’s only been a short relationship, it’s even more likely to get boring soon. But I think it’s very normal to obsess over a 2 week boyfriend at 14, she’ll quickly realise she wants her friends as well and it’ll cool as the honeymoon phase ends.

I just think if strict doesn’t work, then you need a new approach and reluctant compromise might get you to a place where you both get most of what you want.

And to add, he definitely has issues.

I also think deep deep down your DD will know this. When you speak, you need to ask her subtle questions, how do you feel about these messages? I would find it too much. How did you get together? Do any of your other friends have this kind of relationship?

She needs to come to the conclusion that he is suffocating her.

I agree with everyone that says speak to the school. Can you take a pic of these messages and tell the school you are concerned about the boys mental health!

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid as I’ve not any similar experience, but boy there are some lax parents on here.

So what do you think OP should do? Let her daughter spend all her time, including overnight stays, at the house of a troubled boy whose parents are encouraging a 14-year-old to ignore her parent's wishes?

You need to invite him to your house. Go all out. Ask if he'd be interested in dinner on Saturday night, watching a film etc.

You're going at this from the wrong angle OP. You're pushing her away!

I think this situation is coloured by the fact that this boy has known mental health problems. His mother is probably pleased that he has a relationship that takes some of the load off her. But she is 100% wrong to be allowing actions that she knows you are not happy with - going against your wishes is fundamentally wrong.

Some of his messages and actions are worrying in the context of his problems. It sounds as though she is doing things that she is not happy with. It is possible that he is threatening self-harm - I have seen this scenario before. He is saying he has to be with her all the time (but ignoring or abusing her in public) and is pathologically needy - these are red flags in my book.

I do know how hard this is to handle. You want to protect your DD but trying to set rules means she is no longer onside for you to give her good advice because your stance is being undermined by the boy's mother.

If this were a healthy relationship with a young man who is mentally well and who had a sensible and cooperative parent then I am sure you would find it easier to deal with the situation through advice and support.

As it is she is being influenced by a young man who is not a good influence, nor well himself - while she is in the grip of young love, which fulfills all the definitions of madness.

Is there a way you can initiate a sensible conversation with the boy's mother on her own so at the very least you two are on the same page?

Same here, it’s unfortunately not an uncommon scenario.

OP, I initially did the things you have been doing with my own DD. It simply pushed her away until the point I nearly lost her entirely. I did a lot of reflecting and started talking rather than restricting and punishing. It was very hard to watch but the more I talked calmly with her about it, and the less negative stuff I said about him, the more she began to use her autonomy to figure out for herself that it was an unhealthy relationship with a toxic young man.

Three years on - she’s almost an adult, is prioritising her health and education, and has shared with me that she’s really glad I was a safe space for her to process what was happening because otherwise she’d probably still be with him and out of education altogether. I’m incredibly proud of her, and wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did initially as I now feel it drew out the dynamic for a longer period unnecessarily.

Christ that’s far too intense, I dont have any advice to offer, but in no uncertain terms would my teenage daughter at 14 be coming and going at her boyfriends house as she felt fit.

No - I'd be going to the school for safeguarding concerns with all the messages to show them that this boy and his parents are a danger to your child. The fact that they encouraged her to tell the police you hit her when she clearly had not been hit is extraordinarily scary.

Anyone who secretly takes a 14 year old against their parents will and keeps them from them is committing Child Abduction. Under Section 2 of the Child Abduction Act 1984, a person (who is not the parent/guardian) commits an offence if they "take or detain" a child under the age of 16 without lawful authority or reasonable excuse, You daughter's consent to this is irrelevant until they are 16. I'd seriously consider asking the police if they are willing to issue them a warning about attempted child abduction.

Then sit down with your daughter and set much stricter rules. If i was the mother I'd let her see this boy if he visits your house only and an adult of your choosing is there - she can't go to his house. The quid pro quo would be she attends counselling weekly and her grades improve. Otherwise she is grounded, no phone, no contact, etc.