14 year old very intense relationship with 'boyfriend'

[Marble02031]

I won't go into too much background but my daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. They were in primary school together and they reconnected in year 10 after my daughter moved from an all girls school to a mixed school.

The messages on snapchat between them are very concerning. He is telling he he can't be without her he wants her to go to his house everyday. I told her no she could go some days she needed other interests and she can't sit in his house 3-10pm every school night. His parents are fine with this.

She ran away last Thursday from the house during an amber weather warning. I suspected she'd gone to his house I went there. There was no answer I came home to phone the police but his Mother then messaged me to say she was there she was safe and could stay. I told her no and she was to send her out as I told her she was not to go out and there was snow. They live a 15 minute drive away.

She was kept in all over the weekend with no phone. Monday I allowed her to go there on the basis she would not be there 'every night' she messaged me from there saying his Mum said she could sleep over. I said no this isn't appropriate. I made her come home at 9pm as she had homework and needed a bath. This caused no end of issues.

Tuesday during the school day she sent me 400 messages begging to go there. I had to block her phone.

She came home spent all night making threats. I left the room and went to bed to avoid confrontation as she was just arguing with me. At 10.45 I woke up and she was awake. I told her to go to bed. At this point she rung her boyfriend was ranting and raving telling me she was moving out. I left the room during which time she was screaming she was scared of me. I told her if she left the house I would call the police.

At 11.40pm she ran out of the house and into the lane behind my house which is unlit. I got in my car and drove around to find her she wasn't there. Her life 360 had been turned off on the main road where I was parked. I drove around for 5 minutes, rung her she blocked me. My Mum lives in the next street I woke her up and we went to this boys house.

I knocked the door. No answer I got a Facebook message off the Mother telling me my daughter was there would be staying and would come home tomorrow and if I wanted to call the police I could.

I knocked again they refused to let me see her and told me to leave. I rung the police.

The police attended immediately told me that she wanted to stay but they would remove her if I wanted.

I don't know these people really she was made to come home. The Mother told the police I was abusive to my daughter and that they picked her up as they were concerned she was in danger and they took her home.

I was livid but didn't say anything if they had concerns surely the appropriate route would have been the police.

I came home sent my daughter to bed and removed her devices. I have been through them and whilst she was there it is clear there was some sexual contact between the two of them they are allowed in a third floor room unsupervised with the door closed. They are teenagers this isn't appropriate at 14.

Furthermore, in the messages was this boyfriend telling her his parents said to leave and they would collect her. I managed to look at her maps on her phone and they picked her up at the bottom of my street it was all planned and it took them 30 minutes to even tell me where she was. I kept her phone yesterday but she must have signed in on snap on someone elses at school. There were 300 messages between them that concern me.

They are very codependent he is saying he can't live without seeing her he is nothing without her. She is telling him she will be with him forever. She wants to go there Friday.

I have told her no. I am not stopping her seeing him but I do not want her in his house. The parents have no rules or boundaries and after what they did I have concerns.

The boy has depression and anxiety he has been having therapy since primary school he never goes out apart from the school.

I just don't know what to do here. My daughter is neglecting her school work she is in set 1 for everything and I want her to do well. She won't listen to me she has been telling him I am beating her he is telling her his parents will get her.

Social services were not much help they told me they don't believe what she is saying. The police gave her a stern talking to about leaving the house without permission putting herself at risk.

I feel I have no control here and I don't know what to do.

Fuck me. Some people are so desperate to be cool mums 🙄 that they become abuse apologists.

If a woman posted on here saying her partner messaged her 300 times a day, touched her sexually in a way she didn’t like, stopped her sitting with her friends at lunch, hinted at suicide, put gum in her hair, threw snow in her face and made her stay in a bedroom for 12 hours a day, you’d be screaming at her to leave the bastard.

Why on earth is it ok for a 14 year old to be coercively controlled and to expect her mum to facilitate that?

@FlatWhiteExtraHot the problem is if that adult woman said but I love him & I don’t want to leave him, you can’t make her. The same is true here - there are more strings to pull in a parent-teen situation but it’s really fucking hard.

This is how domestic violence starts. Ive been in 2 of those types of relationships. My 14yr old daughter was also in one. I sent her away to my sisters house to break the trauma bond. You daughter probably feels absolutely suffocated and it taking it out on you.

I know you are trying all you can but this is gonna get worse and worse until she leaves this person.

We had a very similar situation a good few years ago with our DD. Just let’s say DH had a little “chat” with the father of the coercively controlling little shit. Oddly enough the relationship ended the next day. Was DD heartbroken? Yes BUT she was protected and she moved on, she’s now in a happy long term relationship. It’s a bloody awful situation to be in and I don’t agree with some of the comments to allow her to stay over at his house, parents like these are dangerous and I agree with many comments that the police should be involved as well as the school. We chose to deal with it first ourselves although our approach is probably not everyone’s idea of solving an issue like this. Over my dead body was I allowing my daughter to be controlled or manipulated like she was being and his parents were similar to those that the OP is dealing with. Sometimes you just need to take the bull by the horns which we did but I appreciate it’s not always that easy. I feel sorry for the future partners of young men like this and their parents who pander to them to make their own lives easier.

Absolutely cannot get over how many people on here are advocating inviting the boy over to OP's house when he has pretty much assaulted her daughter! What the fuck are you all on?

I know, right? And the "oh well if they want to be together they will ..." so just go along with it? I can only pray these posters don't actually have teenagers yet.

I don't even have kids (surgical hysterectomy before I had chance) but honestly I am in shock! The daughter has literally told this boy she didn't like how he was touching her 'there' (so presumably intimately) yet the advice is to let them crack on! How long before the situation escalates and he moves on to worse!?

you Need some professional help here, this sounds abusive and she’s not mature enough to know healthy boundaries
contact women’s aid for support and request a meeting at school to discuss safe guarding and support
on the basis of him touching her and feeling uncomfortable I would also phone the police, they are likely to go and speak to him about consent
this needs escalating seriously and quickly, this type of relationship - given the incell culture many young boys and men are being swept along with - is dangerous and can impact your daughters whole life depending on how you deal with it
sorry to be two feet in but this isnt something you mess about with.
alongside the above, you need to treat your daughter with more compassion and respect and try and be on her side rather than against her. As her parent it’s your job to show her self respect and support that by showing her respect.
good luck OP, heavy stuff x

There is a very weird MN trope that you have to give teenagers what they want or you ‘lose them’.
I do think it is part of the reason for the rise in poor behaviour in schools.

The vast majority of teens are not impossible to control. Parents have control of their money and electronics. That is massive leverage.

Yes, the odd one might resort to theft or prostitution if parents take these away, especially if drugs are an issue, but 99% won’t. They will just be stroppy and sulky for a bit, and then understand the rules and get on with it.

Part of a secure environment is boundaries and having boundaries implies enforcing them.

Naturally, communication and praise are important too, but unless you are enforcing basic boundaries, you aren’t being a good parent.

Most successful schools have an escalating ladder of sanctions to control behaviour, but couple that with praise to build self esteem. They have them because they work.

Teens will have plenty of time to make their own mistakes when they are independent adults.

Exactly @Newbutoldfather. The vast majority of ordinary teenagers don’t suffer from being made to do as they’re bloody well told. All this fannying around endlessly tiptoeing on their feelings does no one any good, least of all them.

Neither of mine were angels, but they knew how far they could push it. If they stepped too far out of line they were reined in. Teenagers aren’t really that different to toddlers. You wouldn’t let a toddler run in the road or stick a fork in a socket just because they chuck a tantrum; you don’t let teens do dangerous things either.

Op I hope you’re taking on board the posts about coercive control and harassment. I would be using these words when you talk to the school, the police and social services.

The suggestion of speaking to the police about the boys parents grooming her is a good one. I would start there

The boy is bad enough but his parents actually getting involved as in collecting her knowing she was breaking out of the house is utterly unhinged. They need reporting to somewhere for that themselves. Absolute crazy people.

Hi op

It must be incredibly worrying for you and even more so as your daughter has lied about you physically beating her......

I would ring nspcc helpline for advice 0808 800 5000. They are really helpful and what we are talking about here is really peer on peer abuse. They can advise you and would also be able to make a safeguarding referral. Afaik, there is supposed to be a multiagency approach (educators, police, social services) to looking at this, for example, is or has the boy been a victim of abuse himself to be behaving like this.

I dont know if the following might help for your daughter to read....... Or if you can get the right time to talk to her to go through it together.

This link below has about controlling behaviour, unhealthy relationships, obsessive texting
https://www.gov.wales/this-is-not-ok/worried-about-a-young-person

This link, under sexual abuse refers to being touched in a way you didnt want....
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/coping-with-life/abuse/
She seems quick along with the boyfriend to accuse you of abuse, but does she realise that is what has happened to her?

Hope things were okay with DD when she came back from school OP.

it might be worth having a google for your local DA service and seeing if they have a YIPVA (young persons specialist). They will see young people, generally from the age of 13 but it might vary, who are in their own abusive relationship. School should be able to refer in if you can self refer. The difficulty of course is that she has to accept & engage with it.

This is awful OP - I have been there and I feel your pain.

He had made your daughter feel uncomfortable - do not accept the relationship and do not let him into your home. Do not allow her to go to his - every time she leaves the house and goes to him, ring the police and tell that that she is vulnerable and putting herself at risk. Speak to the police about the best way of dealing with it.

Speak to school. It sounds like she is being punished for being on her phone - why isnt he?

I'd also be inclined to involve social services to class her as a vulnerable child.

It wont make you popular with her but you have to be the adult in this.

Its hard and I really feel for you. Mine is 23 now and the perfect daughter but ages 14 to 21 were hell.

This is absolutely true. Our dd at 14 was in a relationship like this and it destroyed her eventually- she absolutely spiralled and we are lucky she is still alive. He was destructive to every part of her and I wished we had known what was happening sooner. I am sorry i have no advice a we lost total control over her so elected to get police , ss and school involved. Do not listen to posters that say it is just what teens do , it not, it’s extreme behaviour and dangerous. You are doing the right thing by being aware- speak to school
The boys parents we found out after was absolutely aware they were having an adult relationship and almost encouraged it- we blindly had no idea as just though she was too young to be contemplating that.
Please do not underestimate the damage relationships like this at this age can do to girls and the future relationships they have

Agreed and I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter. There have been a number of cases on here where coercive control has taken children away from their families and destroyed their lives for quite some time. I think it’s quite common for the other party’s parents to be complicit as well.

You have done the right thing going to the police, school and social services. Keep on at them all every day. This family is toxic and undermining you at every step

I can't get over that this boy and his family have changed your daughters behaviour to this level within 2 weeks...that is so scary.

All of your instincts about this are right.

Completely agree.

These people don't do 'parenting' they just want to be friends with their children.

They'll be the same idiots who are phoning in sick for their DC in 10 years' time when they're in their 20s because their little darlings can't possibly be expected to behave like they are an adult once they really are one, after being allowed to pretend to be adults while they were children.

I’d take her phone and look to change schools, you are right to be worried op this is not normal or healthy.

Could you look to get your dd some counselling?

hi I am new to this I am a dad and a foster parent to my niece, my niece start chatting to this lad she has only know him a few days but there are in love and he wants to marry her when they are sixteen he is on video chat all the time and it

This boys parents are a serious safeguarding concern. I would want the police to be very clear with them that they are not to pick your daughter up without your consent, or encourage her to run away.

Report to the police every single time and refer to it as safeguarding.

Because it’s a headstrong teenager’s trump card. It’s in the playbook. Tale as old as time!

She's still a child, and you are her mother and concerned for her safety. You wouldn't let her go to a night club, so this situation is really no better. The boy and his parents are insulting your intelligence. I'm so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I have no experience, but think I might be changing schools if the current one isn't prepared to help her.

Best start your own thread, your message will get lost here.