14 year old very intense relationship with 'boyfriend'

[Marble02031]

I won't go into too much background but my daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. They were in primary school together and they reconnected in year 10 after my daughter moved from an all girls school to a mixed school.

The messages on snapchat between them are very concerning. He is telling he he can't be without her he wants her to go to his house everyday. I told her no she could go some days she needed other interests and she can't sit in his house 3-10pm every school night. His parents are fine with this.

She ran away last Thursday from the house during an amber weather warning. I suspected she'd gone to his house I went there. There was no answer I came home to phone the police but his Mother then messaged me to say she was there she was safe and could stay. I told her no and she was to send her out as I told her she was not to go out and there was snow. They live a 15 minute drive away.

She was kept in all over the weekend with no phone. Monday I allowed her to go there on the basis she would not be there 'every night' she messaged me from there saying his Mum said she could sleep over. I said no this isn't appropriate. I made her come home at 9pm as she had homework and needed a bath. This caused no end of issues.

Tuesday during the school day she sent me 400 messages begging to go there. I had to block her phone.

She came home spent all night making threats. I left the room and went to bed to avoid confrontation as she was just arguing with me. At 10.45 I woke up and she was awake. I told her to go to bed. At this point she rung her boyfriend was ranting and raving telling me she was moving out. I left the room during which time she was screaming she was scared of me. I told her if she left the house I would call the police.

At 11.40pm she ran out of the house and into the lane behind my house which is unlit. I got in my car and drove around to find her she wasn't there. Her life 360 had been turned off on the main road where I was parked. I drove around for 5 minutes, rung her she blocked me. My Mum lives in the next street I woke her up and we went to this boys house.

I knocked the door. No answer I got a Facebook message off the Mother telling me my daughter was there would be staying and would come home tomorrow and if I wanted to call the police I could.

I knocked again they refused to let me see her and told me to leave. I rung the police.

The police attended immediately told me that she wanted to stay but they would remove her if I wanted.

I don't know these people really she was made to come home. The Mother told the police I was abusive to my daughter and that they picked her up as they were concerned she was in danger and they took her home.

I was livid but didn't say anything if they had concerns surely the appropriate route would have been the police.

I came home sent my daughter to bed and removed her devices. I have been through them and whilst she was there it is clear there was some sexual contact between the two of them they are allowed in a third floor room unsupervised with the door closed. They are teenagers this isn't appropriate at 14.

Furthermore, in the messages was this boyfriend telling her his parents said to leave and they would collect her. I managed to look at her maps on her phone and they picked her up at the bottom of my street it was all planned and it took them 30 minutes to even tell me where she was. I kept her phone yesterday but she must have signed in on snap on someone elses at school. There were 300 messages between them that concern me.

They are very codependent he is saying he can't live without seeing her he is nothing without her. She is telling him she will be with him forever. She wants to go there Friday.

I have told her no. I am not stopping her seeing him but I do not want her in his house. The parents have no rules or boundaries and after what they did I have concerns.

The boy has depression and anxiety he has been having therapy since primary school he never goes out apart from the school.

I just don't know what to do here. My daughter is neglecting her school work she is in set 1 for everything and I want her to do well. She won't listen to me she has been telling him I am beating her he is telling her his parents will get her.

Social services were not much help they told me they don't believe what she is saying. The police gave her a stern talking to about leaving the house without permission putting herself at risk.

I feel I have no control here and I don't know what to do.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Obviously your daughter and the boy are telling lies to his parents to manipulate them into letting her stay. Have you tried meeting up with or calling his parents to discuss everything so they’re not believing her made up stories?

Definitely get her on a form of contraception so there’s no pregnancies.

We had a conversation prior to this where I told her 2-3 nights a week was plenty to see him as she needs to focus on her school work. This is what caused her to run away along with me saying no to a sleepover. It wasn't enough. She likes her own way. She has told me she will kill herself if she can't go over there everyday as she needs him. There are messages from her friends saying she ignores them at school for this boy and that they feel she is blanking them. Some of her friends have stopped bothering with her completely.

I did tell them yesterday, the social worker said to me my daughter gave her the impression she is manipulating the situation. What happens is I will say no you can't go tonight but you can go Friday and she will then say I am abusive etc. She isn't eating or drinking down there she is just locked in his room and I think that is concerning.

I had a similar issue with one of mine. They got involved with someone who had anxiety and other issues and basically the parents encouraged my child to be there because it took the pressure off them. I didn’t want my child being used as a comfort blanket and therapist to theirs but it was very difficult. I really sympathise. Against my will I appeared to sympathise and kept a dialogue open with my daughter. They broke up when she went to university thankfully. She realised herself that the relationship was very toxic.

Yes, I spoke to them they told me their son knows how to treat girls and they have no concerns.

This is how it feels, he won't come to my house. He won't go out with her I offered to pay for things like bowling and escape room and drop them off. No he wants her to go to his house and that is it.

My mind is blown by many of these comments- she’s 14.

That said, it’s difficult. I’d make sure contraception is in place and say she can see him freely but only at your house. His mother is clearly not okay

Why can’t she see him every day? If I were you, given what you’ve done so far hasn’t worked, I’d sit down with her and hear her side of it. I’d apologise that I’d forgotten what relationships are like as a teenager and you are overly cautious because of DV, so when you saw the first inklin of controlling behaviour your over reacted.

Id say she can see him every day, but two nights that’s at your house, ans she has to come home and do homework first - so it’s not 3-10, it’s either 5-10 or 3-7. And any time report of bad behaviour at shook means she can’t see him that day.

Remind her you’re her mum, you want her to be happy and healthy and well rounded and it’s your job to make sure that’s true even when she doesn’t like it.

And make sure she has access to contraception.

It is hard to be 14 when you haven’t learnt how to be empathetic fully yet, you think you know everything but have no control over your life - so calmly “learn” from the everything she knows, explain your position in an empathetic way and give her some control back (she can see him as much as she wants provided X, Y, Z, a within her control, are done). It’ll probably fizzle out anyway, but it won’t fizzle out while it has the drama of disobeying you to keep it alive.

I resent my mum for having no boundaries, not caring about me and letting me do whatever when I was a teenager. I was doing drugs at 13 in a different city, and she didn't care. I was allowed to stay at any boys house even if she didn't know them. She literally didn't care, I thought it was so cool. Now I'm a mum it disgusts me. I'm sure you're right about being grateful one day.

Gosh what a nightmare. Obviously you need to have rules and boundaries. And you also need to protect your dd from getting too emotionally invested or be at risk of control from this very intense relationship. His parents aren’t helping, they are undermining you. Equally I’m not sure ringing the police every five minutes is helpful either.

I really feel for you as I don’t know what the answer is and I would hate this. I guess a calm discussion about your concerns would be sensible but would she listen? 14 year olds know everything especially when it comes to love.

Sorry you’re going through this op.

I’m sorry you in this position OP you are being so reasonable even after repeated bad behaviour and lying she isn’t banned from seeing him and still!

does she have any older female cousins or close aunts she admires who can take her under wing.

cant believe he put gum in her hair and she’s running away to be with him, his parents sound absolutely shit.

I think the boys parents are hugely At fault here. How would they feel if it were the other way. The boy sounds like he has significant problems, but that doesn’t mean he’s not capable of manipulating things to suit himself- he’s still a 14 year boy after all!
I would keep the school informed on the situation so hopefully they can support you and your daughter. She needs contraception, ideally implant, before you have even bigger issues- i would make that a condition of her being allowed to continue seeing him unsupervised.
id probably relax the rules about them being allowed in her bedroom to encourage her to be at home more, and at least you know she’s safe and your only a stones throw away if she needs you.
I think I’m pretty open minded so I’m quite shocked by how many posters have implied you are overreacting- this is a 2 week relationship between 14 year old kids. Assuming you’re being truthful about everything, what parent wouldn’t be concerned?!

Yes 16 is the legal age but if a teenager wants to have sex they will find a way to do it. You have said she won’t discuss contraception with you and have found messages saying she isn’t comfortable with what he is doing, have you talked to her about what you have found. You need to be supportive but take a step back as all you are doing is making her think that he is the be all and end all. She is 14 she’s not an adult and you are trying to control a situation, but it isn’t working, you need a different approach. His parents are wrong in what they are doing but to your daughter she will think they are so kind and helpful by allowing her to stay. Have you found out why the mother said you were abusive to your daughter. I would try by letting him come over to your house more often so his house becomes less appealing.

He lives a few miles away, I have work and other things myself in the evening I can't be driving her there and back all the time.

This is a 2 week relationship? Surely to exclude all your friends stop your hobby that you do twice a week and then be there everynight checking out of family life isn't right? Do other parents do this? We are going away in half term and she is already saying she isn't coming as they have said she can stay there?

I do wonder how lax other parents are. I am deeply concerned about how fast this is moving and how all consuming it is. She is with this boy all day in school too she has left her friendship group to sit with him at lunch and break. He is messaging her constantly during lessons sayig he needs her he can't live without her.

Surely this isn't me being controlling?

His parents have behaved appallingly! Can you have a 'come to Jesus ' conversation with them? Spell it out calmly and coldly they are facilitating underage sex, your kid is not on contraception, they can't just throw her out when she is pregnant.

You don’t think the OP has valid safeguarding concerns about the boy and his frankly unhinged mother?!

The Police were called once when she ran out of the house at 12am... I was mid call with them when the boys parents messaged me. I don't know these people. Surely any parent would be concerned about that? They messaged me saying she was staying. It was during this time before the police arrived something happened as my daughter messaged him saying she didn't like when he touched her there and she said she felt uncomfortable.

So are some people saying this doesn't deserve punishment and I should just allow her to go there?

She has been badly behaved since September. I can't take her anywhere because she is so badly behaved in public. This is just the tip of the iceburg.

The daughter won't go to the gp or discuss contraception, the op has said this.

You can't force someone to.

OP I'd be so worried. The other mum sounds really unhelpful and irresponsible. I really feel for you.

I hope this romance blows over asap. I wouldn't want her there either. I hope school can help.

I have screenshots of messages off the boy to my daughter at 11.30pm saying his Mother said if she is not safe to leave and they will get her.

Surely, if she believed these allegations from my daughter they would have called the police and they didn't. They collected her then messaged me 30 minutes later saying my daughter would be staying with them and they collected her.

My daughter told them I beat her that night. I called the police myself. They saw no evidence of this 'beating' and even said to me they think my daughter is fabricating things to get her own way.

When I broached the subject she told me her boyfriend said I was a paedophile for 'sexualising' kids.

I booked her a GP appointment she wouldn't leave the house telling me she wasn't having sex. Clearly something has happened my daughter didn't like she has stated on her snapchat to him he made her feel uncomfortable.

They go to his room and they are shut in there all evening. She switches her phone off you can't get hold of her to leave the house when it is time to come out. You knock the door and the parents are not there.

My own mum could have written this. The more they tried to help, the more I pushed back. The only thing that made me realise was when they said they were done with me and if I wanted to be on my own then fine! I soon went running back

have the police seen the messages about him touching her inappropriately?

I’d be going to speak to them about that as he will presumably get done for statutory rape if he doesn’t stop as shes too young. Wonder what the idiot mother of the boy will think then when he’s on the sex offenders register and can get a job when 16 as he has a criminal record.

Your daughter needs help to navigate her feelings. it would be good if you could find out who his therapist is so she can be informed of the behaviour thats happening and can help him address this before it’s too late.

i did thinfs like shes doing because i was looking for love. perhaps she feels unloved at home. you said you work etc in the evenings and her dads not around. maybe she doesn’t understand all of that and just feels youre not there for her. She won’t get that bills just to live are expensive. She needs counselling. im not sure if his counsellor would be best or if that’s not appropriate. a fiver says he no longer goes as he prob said he didnt like it and mummy dearest said no worries, as she seems to treat him as an adult (bet there’s no dad involved there either as hes potentially her son/husband figure in the house…..

i think you were right to phone the police. shes legally a child that may have been kidnapped. wtf is the mother thinking about allowing this. either that woman is nuts or shes forgetting the children’s age.

what a mess. you must be worried sick.

@Marble02031 I sympathise with you. Sounds awful to go through. The other parents sound batshit and the boyfriend sounds quite vulnerable in his own way. Quite surprised at pp suggesting your actions have led to this. It has all the hallmarks of domestic abuse - saying he can’t live without her, he will kill himself if can’t see her, acting differently to her in front of different people at school, intensity, intentional isolation from friends and family.

Does your daughter have any pre existing mental health issues? I know a lot of PP are saying that relationships at that age can be intense and I get that but I don’t know any 14 year old who who threaten to kill themselves if they couldn’t spend an evening bb with their boyfriend or lie about their parent beating them. She sounds quite vulnerable.

could sitting down with his parents (as mad as they seem) initially and then later along with the two kids and your brother maybe be a possibility? Try and stay as neutral as possible and say that you need to come to a conclusion where everyone feels relatively happy and unfortunately as a 14 year old you can’t move in with your boyfriend of 2 weeks. They can pick between them a few nights where she can regularly go over and he can pick a few nights that he can come to you - if he doesn’t want to come that’s on him and they don’t see each other. I would be clear with the parents that if she goes awol again they need to be working with you not facilitating them. There is no evidence of you physically abusing her and if there was a concern of this they should raise directly with social rather than just sending you messages saying she is staying. I would probably agree to let her have her phone - I don’t think confiscating it is making much difference at this point if she can log on to Snapchat elsewhere plus it is adding to the whole star crossed lovers who need to be together narrative if there’s moments where they can’t communicate. whatever rules you decide will be reviewed in 4 weeks and everyone can meet up again and re discuss things

also agree re contraception - perhaps take her to the sexual health clinic- they will allow her to be seen by a clinician without you and she will probably be more honest with them. They will have to do a safeguarding assessment due to her age anyway and they share info with social services which is useful.

If this doesn’t work I would strongly consider family therapy - she’s already twisting things you say and lying which is quite scary. Hopefully it is a phase and fizzles out soon but I also know situations where this kind of thing with a troubled boy has escalated

good luck

I have her devices here with me and she is on snapchat saying to him she will convince me to let her go there tomorrow. I said no to her but she will make me change my mind. He is saying she needs to leave the house as I am abusive. She told him I said to her this morning why did she ask for breakfast and not eat it as it's wasteful and he has told her this is abuse and she needs to leave my house because she shouldn't be treated in the way I treat her. He said she needs to tell a teacher today about me taking her phone as that is abuse.

The school are calling me back this morning.

I would be wary of this approach with the police. You want to keep your daughter on side and if you weaponise those messages she will just try harder to conceal things from you. It is very unlikely that she will “get done for statutory rape” based on those messaged and it seems she’s in a space where she will probably defend him regardless. I think a better approach when things have died down is to have an open discussion about consent / being assertive etc and you can say you’ve seen the messages and that you’re worried about her. Calling the police again now I genuinely think will make things worse in this instance

you need to try and end the narrative of them v you and show you’re willing to compromise (but they have to too) - whilst trying to keep your daughter close.