14 year old very intense relationship with 'boyfriend'

[Marble02031]

I won't go into too much background but my daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. They were in primary school together and they reconnected in year 10 after my daughter moved from an all girls school to a mixed school.

The messages on snapchat between them are very concerning. He is telling he he can't be without her he wants her to go to his house everyday. I told her no she could go some days she needed other interests and she can't sit in his house 3-10pm every school night. His parents are fine with this.

She ran away last Thursday from the house during an amber weather warning. I suspected she'd gone to his house I went there. There was no answer I came home to phone the police but his Mother then messaged me to say she was there she was safe and could stay. I told her no and she was to send her out as I told her she was not to go out and there was snow. They live a 15 minute drive away.

She was kept in all over the weekend with no phone. Monday I allowed her to go there on the basis she would not be there 'every night' she messaged me from there saying his Mum said she could sleep over. I said no this isn't appropriate. I made her come home at 9pm as she had homework and needed a bath. This caused no end of issues.

Tuesday during the school day she sent me 400 messages begging to go there. I had to block her phone.

She came home spent all night making threats. I left the room and went to bed to avoid confrontation as she was just arguing with me. At 10.45 I woke up and she was awake. I told her to go to bed. At this point she rung her boyfriend was ranting and raving telling me she was moving out. I left the room during which time she was screaming she was scared of me. I told her if she left the house I would call the police.

At 11.40pm she ran out of the house and into the lane behind my house which is unlit. I got in my car and drove around to find her she wasn't there. Her life 360 had been turned off on the main road where I was parked. I drove around for 5 minutes, rung her she blocked me. My Mum lives in the next street I woke her up and we went to this boys house.

I knocked the door. No answer I got a Facebook message off the Mother telling me my daughter was there would be staying and would come home tomorrow and if I wanted to call the police I could.

I knocked again they refused to let me see her and told me to leave. I rung the police.

The police attended immediately told me that she wanted to stay but they would remove her if I wanted.

I don't know these people really she was made to come home. The Mother told the police I was abusive to my daughter and that they picked her up as they were concerned she was in danger and they took her home.

I was livid but didn't say anything if they had concerns surely the appropriate route would have been the police.

I came home sent my daughter to bed and removed her devices. I have been through them and whilst she was there it is clear there was some sexual contact between the two of them they are allowed in a third floor room unsupervised with the door closed. They are teenagers this isn't appropriate at 14.

Furthermore, in the messages was this boyfriend telling her his parents said to leave and they would collect her. I managed to look at her maps on her phone and they picked her up at the bottom of my street it was all planned and it took them 30 minutes to even tell me where she was. I kept her phone yesterday but she must have signed in on snap on someone elses at school. There were 300 messages between them that concern me.

They are very codependent he is saying he can't live without seeing her he is nothing without her. She is telling him she will be with him forever. She wants to go there Friday.

I have told her no. I am not stopping her seeing him but I do not want her in his house. The parents have no rules or boundaries and after what they did I have concerns.

The boy has depression and anxiety he has been having therapy since primary school he never goes out apart from the school.

I just don't know what to do here. My daughter is neglecting her school work she is in set 1 for everything and I want her to do well. She won't listen to me she has been telling him I am beating her he is telling her his parents will get her.

Social services were not much help they told me they don't believe what she is saying. The police gave her a stern talking to about leaving the house without permission putting herself at risk.

I feel I have no control here and I don't know what to do.

Absolutely this.

She's done this,he only wants to spend time in his room- presumably where he can control the OP's daughter. She's not doing anything wrong,personally I'd get a restraining order against anyone who put gum in my kid's hair if the school wasn't keeping him away from her! She's 14 not 16,she's a child.

You are completely correct to be concerned.

this is a reasonably common scenario - many teens do get into very very intense relationships. Obviously not all.

the problem that you have is that you cannot control what the other parents do. Your dd has clearly been telling them you are abusive and they obviously believe that.

You also cannot control the boy.

you can take your DD’s phone but as pretty much everyone else she knows will have a phone she’ll be able to contact him through borrowing phones and you say they are at school together anyway.

i would suggest making school aware of the situation. They may have advice (and will certainly have seen it before!)

the police are unlikely to be terribly interested. They do not tend to want to get involved with teenage relationships unless there is significant age gap (so grooming).

what you need to avoid doing is feeding the “all the world is against us but we will beat it because we are in love” otherwise known as Romeo and Juliet syndrome.

give the phone back. Invite the lad over.

your absolute highest priority must be talking to your DD and preventing pregnancy. The situation looks bad now but if she has a baby at 14/15 it will be so so much worse.

i used to work in a school and it wasn’t unknown for school staff to accompany students to gp or clinic to sort implant because relationships with parents had broken down (for exactly this reason) and students wanted an adult to go with them because they were too scared to go on their own.

Am I missing something?

It looks to me as though the boys’ parents are encouraging a sexual relationship because they think it will help their son who clearly has real mh issues. This is grooming by adults. It is a criminal offence.

I would be reporting the boys’ parents to the police as grooming my daughter for sexual activity. I would certainly never let her go to his house again as I think these parents are sexually abusive. How that is to be achieved is a different matter.

I really can’t see much difference between this and the grooming cases we have read so much about where a vulnerable 14 year old girl repeatedly runs away from home to have sex, encouraged by adults. (In those cases too, the police did not take it seriously.) In this case, if adults - the parents- were not involved, and encouraging & facilitating the sexual activity, this would not be happening- she would not be running away late at night etc if they did not encourage her to come to their house for sex.

I would be pushing very hard for the parents to be treated as grooming your daughter and committing offences under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 (and would tell the school I am doing so). Really shocked so many PP seem to be encouraging you to allow this & wonder if this says something about how the grooming scandals were allowed to persist for so long. (Also, I have to say, wondering whether the advice given on so much of this thread might differ depending on the boy’s parents’ ethnic origin; we have been encouraged to only recognise grooming of vulnerable girls when carried out by certain ethnicities. In fact it takes many forms.)

I feel sorry for the boy. Maybe if his parents had not adopted this approach he might have had a chance of having a normal relationship with your daughter. As it is, the parents seem hell bent on sabotaging both children’s lives.

I certainly would not communicate with the parents. They are grooming your daughter. You don’t play nice with people doing that.

It looks to me as though the boys’ parents are encouraging a sexual relationship because they think it will help their son who clearly has real mh issues. This is grooming by adults. It is a criminal offence

Yes and the police would definitely be interested in this.

Rereading your post you are spot on and I agree with all of it.

It was a drip feed that he is bullying her at school and touching her in a way she isnt comfortable with

I wouldn't want her to see him at all! And I certainly wouldn't be driving her to his house at any point. Especially with those parents

Absolutely not, this is a huge safe guarding issue. Ask to see the governors ASAP if the school aren't helpful. Ds's school would've on this like a ton of bricks and that was years ago let alone these days.

Relationships at this age can be very intense and "all-in", don't you remember that from your own youth? You couldn't have slipped a piece of paper between me and my boyfriend at the time.

I agree that relationships with teens often have the romance factor amped up - and creating too many obstacles will fuel the Romeo and Juliet effect.

Actually lots of younger teens can have very intense relationships that are not sexual as well. I understand it is a natural developmental phase as they begin to prepare for a move beyond the family unit - kind of Nature reassuring them there can be intense bonds outside the blood and gene pool. Which is obviously what Nature wants, but some teens don't yet have a sexual partner/attraction. There was that Kate Winslet movie where the two girls filled the mum that tried to get between them! So Watch out op! 😂

I understand your concern and frustration at her leaving etc but the vestiges of the teenage me could see the movie-like romance of that: battling through an amber-weather alert to be reunited. Ahhh... 😂

It's immaturity - or at least a stage of maturity - and it will likely pass op.

ETA Oh help just saw all the extra info about touching and bullying etc. Not yet sure what to say on that but obviously that supercedes the above comment from me ...

I agree. No contact at his house at all. I’d let him come to your house if she asks the day before and wants him to, maybe twice a week. Otherwise it would be a straight no from me. In effect he’s unkind to her at school and then having her as a play thing in his room after school and she doesn’t like either experience. Save her

Yeah this thread is way more complicated than the original post suggested to me ...

Prior to the snow incident last week and the name calling there was no bullying. He only started once she said she was his girlfriend. They have talked on snap for the last year but when I scrolled through it was all normal teenage chat. This has all happened in the space of 2 weeks. I haven't been eating or sleeping as I am really stressed by it.

The school have taken her out to talk to her. I took her phone as she has had it confiscated in school several times in the last 2 weeks. Each time I have to go to the school and sign it out. I am not doing that anymore. She is clearly not learning she can't use it during lesson.

My daughter has changed dramatically and I feel that the boys parents are undermiming me. After she went down there in the snow after me telling her no I told her she had to stay in all weekend. Her boyfriend continued to text her telling her to tell me she needed to go there his Mother and Father said if she went over they would get Dominos.

Instead what they should have said was she has to stay in this weekend we have to respect that.

Her phone is beside me now and it is continuing going off with her asking him are they still together as she isn't replying and he is worried she has ended their relationship. It is a school day this is deeply concerning. I have spoken to the school about this they are going to ring the boys parents about it and my daughter is going to pastoral care after lunch to chat with them. They did tell me yesterday she said nothing was wrong at home but she needed her boyfriend for her mental health and she should be allowed there everyday if she wants.

You are not being controlling at 14 they should not be in a room unsupervised together how your feeling about this is how every parent should feel . Instead of it turning into arguments and her running away and lying just so she can go see him maybe let him spend time with her at yours because at least then you can keep an eye on her because at that age teenagers tend to think they are right and parent isn't but she isn't. You just want to keep her safe.

OP, can you change the school? Or move? This school is not good, if they allow kids to have their phones with them at all times. You have to think how to separate them to keep your daughter safe - if looks like she might be getting raped pretty soon (if not already).
I agree with @LadyBlakeneysHanky that lax approach of many people to girls' sexuality has enabled (and is enabling) the grooming problem in the society. When people think that 14-year-old girls having sex is normal, a lot of predators start taking advantage of this.
I do think you should share all your concerns and phone messages with the school, the police and all the services involved as it looks like your child is at risk of harm.

I did wonder that, or after speaking to them are they that naive as his Mum dominated the conversation telling me her son was sweet, sensitive and the most kind boy she ever knew.

They also have a 17 year old son and a 13 year old son. So I suppose they have no concerns about teen pregnancy.

It has been offered he won't come here as I am here because I work from home. In his house they are often alone or as the house is 3 story the parents are on the ground floor and they are upstairs alone left to it.

She HAS. Read the thread. He refuses.

If he is messaging her all day when she is at school you need to approach the school about this. He is harassing her and is being coercive - his behaviour is worrying as it seems like he is grooming her and being coercive.

He is trying to force a wedge between you and your DD.

His parents behaviour is odd - what kind of adult would suggest a teen leave their parents house and agree to pick her up?

Calling the police is the correct thing to do. Get the police to read her messages about not liking the way he is touching her and is separating her from her friends and is showing abusive behaviour would be the way i would try and progress this. I would also have this conversation with the school.

The phone rule only came in this year when her school merged with another. Not all teachers are consistent in applying it but I understand I wouldn't want to be a teacher in a secondary school.

There are also many exemptions to the phone rule some kids are allowed to use theirs during the day as part of reasonable adjustments for neurodiversity etc. So I think it is hard for the teachers.

I did mention to the school about changing but they are concerned about her GCSE's she excelled at the beginning of September and she is in all the top sets I spoke to her about the importance of revision, homework etc but last week she didn't do any of it because he calls her as soon as she leaves school and her whole evening if she is not there will be spent on a call with him. I went in her room last week and he was just sat on his desk staring at the screen whilst she was blow-drying her hair. I said to her she can go off the call to do things. But she won't because he needs her...

My daughter is silly too as she is replying and keeps getting caught on her phone. I have advised the school of this.

I have advised both the school and social services about the messages and both agree with me the intensity and content are concerning.

I haven't stopped my daughter seeing this boy. I just don't want her in his house because what will happen is if she refuses to leave the parents won't do anything and Tuesday they wouldn't even let me see she was OK. By allowing her in his house daily for hours on end with all these red flags I believe I am putting her at risk of being in a corercive relationship.

She hasn't been behaving at school using her phone etc. so I am also just not giving in and saying go there like others say. All that does is send a message if she kicks off enough she can have her way.

@Marble02031 ,

I really feel for you as I think that you are doing all the right things, but the people who should be backing you up aren’t doing so.

Your daughter needs a massive amount of support, and support (especially in the sense schools or professionals use it means helping her to do the right thing, not giving her what she wants).

The school are acting disgracefully. Most schools now have a no phone policy during the school day, with quite severe punishments if caught. This is definitely the right thing. I would look at moving schools if that is at all an option where you live.

Her boyfriend’s family are scary. I suspect that there could be significant consequences for them if they are encouraging underage sex under their roof.

I also think that your daughter needs significant psychological help. All teenagers feel things strongly, but most aren’t so openly defiant. What happens if she either gets pregnant or they split up? I am not sure she would cope well with either.

And, if it persists (teenage relationships don’t all peter out, I taught a Year 13 who had been dating a boy since Year 7), what are the consequences for her GCSEs, friendships etc?

The thing is, teenagers can be very capable and autonomous within limited parameters but how would she deal with pregnancy, breakup, exam failure, losing her close girlfriends? Suddenly, she would need you. Which is why parents need to parent!

I do think you should work with the school and social services as much as possible. I don’t know if CAHMS should also be involved or you can get her private counselling, assuming she would agree with it.

This type of situation is incredibly tough though and I do think you are spot on with how you are dealing with it. Good luck!

This is so hard.

Firstly the boy has huge issues and has latched onto your daughter. His parents probably feel partly relieved that his is doing something ' normal' like having a girlfriend. He is clearly obsessed with her and with her raging hormones she has responded to his obsession, she probably thinks it's love.

But. The more you punish her the more she will cleave to him. It's just a fact. So you need to talk and try to find compromises. Try to reason with her, rather than punish her.

Honestly she will soon get bored of sitting in his bedroom and listening to him bang on about how unhappy he is. But she needs to find that out for herself. When I was at school it was always the 14 year olds that got pregnant. They don't have the maturity to understand consequences but they have the emotions and urges that drive them into someone's arms.

OP just want to say you sound like an amazing mum understandably out of her mind with worry. I would feel exactly the same and had a few similar moments with my DD.
Hang in there and keep at it with school/police/SS

I won’t keep posting and going on, but you really mustn’t compromise over basics, like being at yours on a school night, academics etc.

If an adult was texting as much as he is and giving ultimatums etc, it would be considered controlling and abusive, especially coupled with ignoring her at school and sticking gum in her hair.

Teachers are trained to spot peer-on-peer abuse and, if I taught your daughter, I would be flagging it with the DSL.

A 14 year old needs protection from this, not ‘compromise’! He shouldn’t have access to her 24/7, even electronically. She needs safe space away from him, so you are right to limit her devices.