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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

139 replies

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:40

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore.
I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun.
I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home.

I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with.
The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless.
I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship.
I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 09/12/2025 19:42

I appreciate you're dealing with a lot and you have found happiness in this new relationship, but I really don't think you are helping things by bringing a strange man into this situation. Can you put your relationship on the back burner for a while while you help your son?

Tammygirl12 · 09/12/2025 19:43

I was sad to read your line that you don’t want to kick him out. The alternative is continuing as you are OP. 18 is plenty old enough for him to stand on his own two feet. You deserve to feel safe and relaxed. He’s got to go

EverybodyLTB · 09/12/2025 19:45

Obviously there is no excuse for abuse and violence, but it sounds like he’s had pretty much the worst possible time in the last two years at a crucial stage in life 16-18, and he’s gone over the edge. I understand you deserve happiness, but unless your child is ok, I don’t see how you can ever be? Why is a new man meant to be creating a family environment for your teen son? Was it his father or step-father that died suddenly?

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:46

ThejoyofNC · 09/12/2025 19:42

I appreciate you're dealing with a lot and you have found happiness in this new relationship, but I really don't think you are helping things by bringing a strange man into this situation. Can you put your relationship on the back burner for a while while you help your son?

Thank you for your reply, I was single for over 2 years and completely dedicated to helping my son but there was no improvement in his behaviour in fact it just got worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:48

Tammygirl12 · 09/12/2025 19:43

I was sad to read your line that you don’t want to kick him out. The alternative is continuing as you are OP. 18 is plenty old enough for him to stand on his own two feet. You deserve to feel safe and relaxed. He’s got to go

Thank you, honestly it’s the last resort I feel so guilty and even prepared to sacrifice my relationship but I don’t think that is the answer. Like you say it will just continue.

OP posts:
CoddledAsAMommet · 09/12/2025 19:49

You could try talking to your Local Authority about Supported Lodgings. This can be a good halfway house, not living in your home but also not fending for himself. But yes, he needs to leave.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:50

EverybodyLTB · 09/12/2025 19:45

Obviously there is no excuse for abuse and violence, but it sounds like he’s had pretty much the worst possible time in the last two years at a crucial stage in life 16-18, and he’s gone over the edge. I understand you deserve happiness, but unless your child is ok, I don’t see how you can ever be? Why is a new man meant to be creating a family environment for your teen son? Was it his father or step-father that died suddenly?

I agree, I can never be happy knowing he isn’t. However he chooses to behave like this , he’s had so much support and help.
No it was a previous partner no direct relationship to my son although he was v fond of him .

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:51

CoddledAsAMommet · 09/12/2025 19:49

You could try talking to your Local Authority about Supported Lodgings. This can be a good halfway house, not living in your home but also not fending for himself. But yes, he needs to leave.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 09/12/2025 20:03

Does the new partner live with you?

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 20:30

Pinkissmart · 09/12/2025 20:03

Does the new partner live with you?

No he doesn’t

OP posts:
BananaMilkshake77 · 09/12/2025 20:38

I don't agree that you can't move on and have a partner. Your son is 18 , not 8!

As hard as it would be, your at the point of tough love if youv exhausted all else within the home , he has to go.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 20:42

Pinkissmart · 09/12/2025 20:03

Does the new partner live with you?

No he doesn’t

OP posts:
StruggleFlourish · 09/12/2025 20:44

Yeah, I'd have to say If the 18-year-old son is an absolute terror, physically abusive and has already admitted that he will sabotage your new relationship, he is a threat to you and not just you, but also your daughter.
18 is old enough to know that these are not childish antics. I know this sounds cruel, but I'd say, you're out.
7 hours a day in class leaves plenty of hours to work to pay for an apartment.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 21:03

StruggleFlourish · 09/12/2025 20:44

Yeah, I'd have to say If the 18-year-old son is an absolute terror, physically abusive and has already admitted that he will sabotage your new relationship, he is a threat to you and not just you, but also your daughter.
18 is old enough to know that these are not childish antics. I know this sounds cruel, but I'd say, you're out.
7 hours a day in class leaves plenty of hours to work to pay for an apartment.

Thank you , yes exactly I do have my daughter to consider in all this as well. It’s actually 7 hours a week he does college, so plenty of time to work but he can’t be bothered.

OP posts:
Jugjug · 09/12/2025 21:05

Kick him out. My mother kicked me out at 16 because I was pregnant. You don’t have to put up with this he’s an adult

Emonade · 09/12/2025 21:05

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:50

I agree, I can never be happy knowing he isn’t. However he chooses to behave like this , he’s had so much support and help.
No it was a previous partner no direct relationship to my son although he was v fond of him .

Show quote history

Do not kick him out and if your partner lives with you kick him out temporarily. I suggest you ring 999 next time it happens and ask them to have him sectioned. He needs support and help

LargeJugs · 09/12/2025 21:06

You have to protect yourself and your daughter. If that means kicking him out then so be it. He’s an adult, he could step up.

CarlaLemarchant · 09/12/2025 21:06

Emonade · 09/12/2025 21:05

Do not kick him out and if your partner lives with you kick him out temporarily. I suggest you ring 999 next time it happens and ask them to have him sectioned. He needs support and help

Show quote history

Why on earth would he be sectioned?

stomachamelon · 09/12/2025 21:07

@SunnyQuoter how does he pay for his phone? Or for socialising?

Hellenbach · 09/12/2025 21:11

This sounds very challenging to manage, I’d recommend getting support for yourself about child/adolescent on parent violence.
Depending on where you’re based you may be able to access support through this organisation:
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva
This is a complex issue and unfortunately it sounds as though your son’s previous traumatic experiences are contributing to his anger. Your daughter is being exposed to this and will need support too.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 21:57

Jugjug · 09/12/2025 21:05

Kick him out. My mother kicked me out at 16 because I was pregnant. You don’t have to put up with this he’s an adult

Thank you, it’s a hard one but you are right x

OP posts:
MsSmartShoes · 09/12/2025 22:02

Oh Op. I’m so sorry for you all.
I understand that your son is grieving and struggling, but it is not ok to take it out on you. Maybe he needs the kick up the arse if standing on his own two feet? You deserve some happiness - it’s your life too.

Iseeyou99 · 09/12/2025 22:12

There can be many reasons for this behavior. It always triggers some when I say this; I'm prepared......do you think he's ND? Either ADHD and/or high functioning ( outwardly anyway) Autistic?

I raise this because this scenario with those behavioirs is very familiar for many in this situation.

Would pursuing this possiblity be worthwhile? It could. If this is applicable here then he needs support because he can't manage that behavior, hrs a risk to you, so knowing is important imo. It's also impossible in terms of accessing appropriate support.

If this wasn't your son, you'd never tolerate this. I believe that's the answer. I would not allow him to stay under these conditions personally; my son or not.

I'd first explore what I've suggested. I'd set out non negotiables. You either do this ( engage support, therapy, anything that is going to possibly help here) or I'm making you homeless. You can write a letter stating he's not allowed to live with you and why and give it to him to take to the Council. I'd then change the locks.

He's going to be dangerous if he doesn't find a way to address this.

Iseeyou99 · 09/12/2025 22:16

I'd keep your boyfriend away from moving in for now also tbh. It's so disruptive. I experienced various mum boyfriends moving in over the years. Even at 18 it's a head fuck. Please just hold off on that. Kids absolutely hate this experience with new men. They will pretend they don't mind often. They absolutely do - until trust is built and familiarity over a long period of time.

BertieBotts · 09/12/2025 22:20

This book is worth reading, it's by the creator of the most commonly used CPV program in the UK (I believe anyway). With one warning - it's ridiculously, torturously long, I recommend reading the introduction and maybe first chapter, and then just skipping straight to the chapter called "Why Does He Do That?" and going from there until it gets to the optional chapters. This is not a parent blaming book but I do think it's helpful in understanding both what might have led to this point and what to do to change patterns. IIRC there is advice specifically for if you're living separately from an adult child or older teenager.

www.amazon.co.uk/Whos-Charge-Eddie-Gallagher/dp/1787101002

You can always go back and read any relevant looking bits later, but the problem is, most of the first 21(!!) chapters contain much of the same ideas rehashed over and over again to the point you lose the will to finish the book because you're wondering if he ever gets to the point. He does - I noted it above, and although I think this book badly needs an editor, his experience in the field is really valuable and interesting - it would help if he kept his (sometimes not especially PC) opinions to himself, but OTOH it would possibly lose some of its bizarre charm.

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