Page 5 | Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

SunnyQuoter · 2025-12-09T19:40:39+00:00

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore. I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun. I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home. I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with. The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless. I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship. I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live. Thank you for reading.

GaIadriel · 10/12/2025 19:47

Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 23:21

There’s an underlaying reason why he doing this to you - it’s not because he hates you, he probably loves the bones of you.

It’s not the same I know but when my daughter, 15, kicks off - and can she kick off - it’s really hard not to take it personally but I know there is something going on and I tell her that I know this, so just out with it. What’s making her feel this way? We get there eventually and it’s usually something at school - huge friends issues that she can’t deal with. I do also say to her that she can say if it’s me that’s causing the problem. I can handle it. We then sort it. But, if I don’t do this method then I’d be walking on eggshells - days, weeks maybe - to avoid any spiteful outbursts!

Could you try sitting him down, explaining how he makes you feel, tell him you love him and that he really does need to tell you what’s going on. What’s making him so upset and angry. You may be able to help.

18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.

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Fair points, but it sounds likes he's being a bit of a little scrote too tbh. Hanging around dodgy mates/people that carry knives etc. Obv he has issues and this might make him more likely to gravitate towards those type of people, but I think he also needs a kick up the arse/shown he needs to shape up or move out.

Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 19:52

Iamnicehonest · 10/12/2025 11:43

So you now have a lovely new boyfriend, one of many going by your previous messages you want your son to leave?

Have you sort MH support for your son? Counselling etc? I had a very tough time with my now 19yr old. for about 4years it was drugs, being expelled from school for carrying a knife, violence in and out the house. Arrested, put on a protective order by the police to stop him seeing other troublesome people. Nights in prison, court dates.

My DH wanted to kick him out, but i stood by son, my marriage nearly ended, but my child was no1 always. My younger son also suffered because of it, but we stuck together as family and thankfully came through it.

My son will be 20 in a few months, has a decent job and for the most part is an amazing and caring boy. He looks back now with such bitter regret on what he did. But i would never have turned my back on him or given up on him.

@Iamnicehonest not true. I do not appreciate the unkind words of “one of many” I came on here for support because I am desperate not to feel worse. Just to set the record straight my kids dad, and in the duration of 18 years 2. My late partner suddenly passed away, so that’s a grand total of 3 men in 18 years, all have been serious relationships but being cheated on and death is not something I have control over!
I am pleased it worked out for you in the end, we have tried counselling, and had all sorts of outside agencies involved but he refuses to engage.
Take me and my new partner out of the equation Making my daughter suffer and put up with this behaviour that he CHOOSES to do is not something I will accept, why should she be put second best.

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Iseeyou99 · 10/12/2025 20:02

The sense of obligation persistently put upon women is absolutely rancid. And it's other women doing it again and again on here on top of what men already put on women.

Mum's are to blame it seems for every poor outcome of their offspring. No matter what multifaceted factors are at play.

If OP had a revolving door of unappealing waster boyfriends, that still would not provide explanation for the behaviour described. Nor would it excuse and justify it. Becoming Virgin Mary Mother Superior would not satisfy this situation. Instead, it would enable an out of control behaviour that sounds absolutely appalling and must not continue.

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 20:06

Emonade · 10/12/2025 08:36

he is a child! He is severely traumatised!!!

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Or just a lazy immature dick who thinks being a bully will get him far in life???

My nephew was the same and very similar circumstances to be fair. For the sake of her younger children she kicked him out, he went to my mums and my brothers, didnt like the rules so left to be a big lad with his mates. Hes 21 now, stable, has a gf and a flat etc. Relationships have been repaired with his mum and dad....

Sometimes people are just dicks.....I wonder for all those screaming "hes a child' "i would never do that" how long they would last in that situation. 🙄

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 20:10

Iseeyou99 · 10/12/2025 20:02

The sense of obligation persistently put upon women is absolutely rancid. And it's other women doing it again and again on here on top of what men already put on women.

Mum's are to blame it seems for every poor outcome of their offspring. No matter what multifaceted factors are at play.

If OP had a revolving door of unappealing waster boyfriends, that still would not provide explanation for the behaviour described. Nor would it excuse and justify it. Becoming Virgin Mary Mother Superior would not satisfy this situation. Instead, it would enable an out of control behaviour that sounds absolutely appalling and must not continue.

He wasn't born violent and abusive.

Iseeyou99 · 10/12/2025 20:21

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 20:10

He wasn't born violent and abusive.

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Yes you are correct.

Babies aren't able to terrorise people.

Do you believe that mothers are responsible for every atrociously behaved adult male in human existence?

mathanxiety · 10/12/2025 20:33

Your son is legally an adult.

You can get a residence order stating who can and who can't live in your home. You can also get a non molestation order.

I encourage you to do both.

You have to protect yourself and your 15 yo. The orders should teach your son a lesson that he sorely needs to learn.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2025 20:40

Snoken · 10/12/2025 16:35

I agree that what he's doing is wrong but kicking him out because she wants to create "a loving family" with her new boyfriend sends an absolutely awful message to her son. I doubt they would be able to recover from that. He already have abandonment issues and she is just confirming those by replacing him with a new man again.

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She wants to create a loving family as opposed to a family where one member verbally and physically assaults her.

Can you see a problem there, because I cant?

Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 21:35

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 20:06

Or just a lazy immature dick who thinks being a bully will get him far in life???

My nephew was the same and very similar circumstances to be fair. For the sake of her younger children she kicked him out, he went to my mums and my brothers, didnt like the rules so left to be a big lad with his mates. Hes 21 now, stable, has a gf and a flat etc. Relationships have been repaired with his mum and dad....

Sometimes people are just dicks.....I wonder for all those screaming "hes a child' "i would never do that" how long they would last in that situation. 🙄

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@CombatBarbie thank you for this, so true x

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 21:42

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 17:21

Exactly. Once again.

No one is suggested that she put up with violence but would the violence exist if there had not been a revolving door of strange men in and out of his life?

He's a VERY young adult, not some hardened 40-year-old criminal. Kicking him out so the rest of the family can have an easy life with the new man is ... not justifiable.

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@CheeseIsMyIdol once again I will repeat 3 long term relationships in 18 years, one of which was my late partner who died suddenly, for the last 2.5 years I have put my children first and stayed alone, being independently financially stable by keeping my business going to keep a roof over our heads whilst putting on a brave face on for my children all the while coping with the most unbareable pain of loosing my late partner. You continuing implying that I have a revolving door of men and is not fair, I am not kicking him out so I can have a lovely new life this has been going for years and it’s not right that it should continue due to him choosing to act this way.

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CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 21:57

Ok, well, I hope you get some useful suggestions here. Good luck.

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 22:02

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 21:57

Ok, well, I hope you get some useful suggestions here. Good luck.

Was that an attempt at oh sorry, I hadnt read all the Ops posts??

Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:04

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 21:57

Ok, well, I hope you get some useful suggestions here. Good luck.

@CheeseIsMyIdol thank you.

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:04

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 22:02

Was that an attempt at oh sorry, I hadnt read all the Ops posts??

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@CombatBarbie haha yes I think it was! X

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:05

mathanxiety · 10/12/2025 20:40

She wants to create a loving family as opposed to a family where one member verbally and physically assaults her.

Can you see a problem there, because I cant?

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@mathanxiety thank you ☺️ x

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CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 22:06

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 22:02

Was that an attempt at oh sorry, I hadnt read all the Ops posts??

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No, I’ve read all of her posts.

GaIadriel · 10/12/2025 22:09

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 21:42

@CheeseIsMyIdol once again I will repeat 3 long term relationships in 18 years, one of which was my late partner who died suddenly, for the last 2.5 years I have put my children first and stayed alone, being independently financially stable by keeping my business going to keep a roof over our heads whilst putting on a brave face on for my children all the while coping with the most unbareable pain of loosing my late partner. You continuing implying that I have a revolving door of men and is not fair, I am not kicking him out so I can have a lovely new life this has been going for years and it’s not right that it should continue due to him choosing to act this way.

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Nothing wrong with having your own life. Expecially after what you've been through. Your son is an adult. How long do people think you should martyr yourself and not move on with your life?

CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 22:09

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 22:06

No, I’ve read all of her posts.

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And yet you still made up your own narrative???

Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:10

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/12/2025 16:30

I went through similar with my son. He had suffered trauma, we all had. I loved him and he turned his grief into hatred. I made lots of mistakes. I didn’t want to kick him out. Someone had told him to get kicked out so LA would have to house him. He was determined. Life was hell.
eventually we decided to tell SS that we didn’t want him to leave but we couldn’t have our other kids subject to his behaviour do if he changed we’d work it out.
he said he wouldn’t. He went into a hostel for 2 years.
it was awful but it gave us space to deal with what was going on. I kept in touch with texts and we bailed him out (not from prison!) to make sure he didn’t lose his place.
we kept telling him we loved him.
it’s been 15 years and he is loving and sweet. It took a while.
he has adhd. So he still has challenges but he eventually learned how to pay his bills on time. I’d already taught him life skills when he was younger do her was able to cook etc when he felt better.
this happens to lots of families for lots of reasons. Of course we have to take responsibility but THATS not the same as it being our fault.
he needs help but you may not be the right one to give it.
I recommend the NVR parenting programme. It’s developed for care experienced children so it works well with ND young people and those who suffer trauma.
Do not take the blame for his behaviour. Recognise what aspects of your behaviour haven’t/don’t help.
name his actions first what they are..abuse
you do not have to put up either it because you are a woman and you gave birth to him.
I know it’s hard

@TheFirstMrsDV thank you so much for sharing your story, I’m so sorry you went through something similar and I’m so pleased it worked out for you. I am finding it such a impossible decision but your advice and kind words have been very helpful x

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:14

Cornelire · 10/12/2025 10:09

The issue is you have a violent adult living with you so from a safeguarding perspective for your DD, she would probably be the one on the at risk register, I know you don't want that for her. This will be affecting her, seeing her Mother attacked.

He can move into supported accommodation. Reach out to everyone and anyone who may be able to help but he needs to go. He needs to move out. He can do this, he is 18 years old. My friend's DD was moved into supported accommodation for the 3 years she could live there. Now lives in a flat, has a job and this really helped her.

You are parenting out of fear. You are experiencing physical and emotional abuse. It doesn't matter that it is your son doing it. He needs to leave before he does something to permanently alter your physical health. He is relying on you being afraid to have him removed. You have tried, he needs professional help, help him access it by looking at supported accommodation or adults social services. You have every right to refuse to have him live in your house.

@Cornelire Thank you so much for this, I really value your words of support x

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:20

GaIadriel · 10/12/2025 22:09

Nothing wrong with having your own life. Expecially after what you've been through. Your son is an adult. How long do people think you should martyr yourself and not move on with your life?

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@GaIadriel Thank you so much, I appreciate this x

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Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 22:24

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 16:34

I'm in my 60s and was never "conditioned to rely on men." That is a choice.

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@CheeseIsMyIdol I don’t rely on men , I own my own house and run my own business. I was doing some charity work with a charity that helped me with bereavement counselling, and met my current partner, people fall in love, it’s not about being “conditioned to rely on men”

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FrizzyFrizbee · 10/12/2025 22:42

@SunnyQuoter

just to send you a hug OP, never mind the mean and judgemental responses on here. Hope all turns out well for you in the future, and take care.

Original poster

SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 23:58

FrizzyFrizbee · 10/12/2025 22:42

@SunnyQuoter

just to send you a hug OP, never mind the mean and judgemental responses on here. Hope all turns out well for you in the future, and take care.

@FrizzyFrizbee bless you , that’s really kind thank you x

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CombatBarbie · 11/12/2025 01:07

Fuck me, you think this thread is bad, go jump over to the 11yr wanting her mum to divorce her stepdad.

Us single parents just want cock apparently and these men are abusing the step children.

I think we have lost grip on reality!!