Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

[SunnyQuoter]

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore.
I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun.
I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home.

I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with.
The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless.
I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship.
I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live.
Thank you for reading.

Op please contact PEG UK.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Sending strength 💐

My own mother would never come online to try access help whilst still thinking of the needs of an abusive son.

Therefore - OP is in my opinion doing what she can to be good enough. It's not ok to continually infer she is some gutter level tramp.

We are conditioned to rely on men and many women believe their sanctuary and rescue will come from that place. This is why we see patterns like this. It is not always necessarily about satisfying a lustful out of control mind of it's own vagina, as persistently insinuated she's doing on here.......

Does it matter why OP has introduced mutliple men to her children? i don't care if it's because she needs validation, sex, financial security, companionship or whatever. Her son has said that this behaviour has and is hurting him and OP keeps doing it whilst at the same time seeming completely puzzled as to why her son is acting out in the manner he is. She has traumatised him too and she has not been able to give him a safe and secure upbringing and now she wants to kick him out because everything has come to a head and she wants to create a family with the new guy. A family where her son doesn't fit in.

I went through similar with my son. He had suffered trauma, we all had. I loved him and he turned his grief into hatred. I made lots of mistakes. I didn’t want to kick him out. Someone had told him to get kicked out so LA would have to house him. He was determined. Life was hell.
eventually we decided to tell SS that we didn’t want him to leave but we couldn’t have our other kids subject to his behaviour do if he changed we’d work it out.
he said he wouldn’t. He went into a hostel for 2 years.
it was awful but it gave us space to deal with what was going on. I kept in touch with texts and we bailed him out (not from prison!) to make sure he didn’t lose his place.
we kept telling him we loved him.
it’s been 15 years and he is loving and sweet. It took a while.
he has adhd. So he still has challenges but he eventually learned how to pay his bills on time. I’d already taught him life skills when he was younger do her was able to cook etc when he felt better.
this happens to lots of families for lots of reasons. Of course we have to take responsibility but THATS not the same as it being our fault.
he needs help but you may not be the right one to give it.
I recommend the NVR parenting programme. It’s developed for care experienced children so it works well with ND young people and those who suffer trauma.
Do not take the blame for his behaviour. Recognise what aspects of your behaviour haven’t/don’t help.
name his actions first what they are..abuse
you do not have to put up either it because you are a woman and you gave birth to him.
I know it’s hard

He’s a grown adult throwing water bottles kicking and hitting his mum. No excuses. She also has a 15 year old daughters safety to think of

I'm in my 60s and was never "conditioned to rely on men." That is a choice.

I agree that what he's doing is wrong but kicking him out because she wants to create "a loving family" with her new boyfriend sends an absolutely awful message to her son. I doubt they would be able to recover from that. He already have abandonment issues and she is just confirming those by replacing him with a new man again.

Your son is a violent adult. You have another child - 15 year old who is not an adult. I think you ahe to factior her into the picture as she must also be suffering from her brothers behaviour.

I dont think you have any choice but to kick him out and send him to the local authority to register as homeless. There are organizations who can support young adults up to age 25 and your lA can put him in touch

If he’d done nothing wrong I’d agree. But he’s punching kicking and throwing bottles at his mum could potentially do the same to his younger sister. At 18 he’s an adult my mum had me out at 16, I don’t actually think it’s good to perpetually live at home tbh

when she says “loving family” she may just mean a household that doesn’t involve someone throwing bottles and kicking in front of her 15 year old daughter

@TheFirstMrsDV I believe your story is probably the one OP should take note of above most.

It's known that trauma, attachment issues and parental separation are significantly higher in families with ND children. There are things in OPs posts that make me believe this possibility is worth considering. So you have a double edged situation of ND ( itself difficult and brings disadvantage to people if not acknowledged) and the traumatic experience of being with a lone mum ( understandably trying to meet her own needs and get support) against a possible backdrop of ND. ( I'm making an assumption.ref ND in OPs sons case but it is ticking some familiar boxes).
@CheeseIsMyIdol
You can't make different choices until you see the reality of the situation you're in and what might be driving it. Only in later years was it very obvious to me that men will not rescue from these situation and that introduction of a step father figure in particular is a recipe for absolute disaster for boys in most cases.

Women absolutely are steam rolled into seeking rescue through partners. When you have got a difficult aggressive son you're going to reach for support in another male figure in many cases.

I want to see more support for OP on here and understanding of her difficult position with a massive man child throwing stuff about and acting like a zoo animal at times I am going to guess.

Exactly. Once again.

No one is suggested that she put up with violence but would the violence exist if there had not been a revolving door of strange men in and out of his life?

He's a VERY young adult, not some hardened 40-year-old criminal. Kicking him out so the rest of the family can have an easy life with the new man is ... not justifiable.

Is that why ? Or is that the assumption? Genuine question

It’s what the son has told OP. Other terrible things has happened in his life too but if he had had a stable childhood with a secure attachment to his one parent he could have probably handled that better. He has a lot of anger towards his mum and it’s quite understandable why, but she is still repeating the same mistakes and not putting him and his sister first.

Well the son would say that.
mine told me I’d abandoned him. I didn’t care about him. I wished he was dead
because thats how he felt at the time
it wasn’t true
he had a perfectly secure attachment (something I know a fair bit about) but was dealing with his own grief when he turned in me (but not his dad)!
we have no idea if OP has putting men first all this time or has had a few boyfriends.
Without that information it’s hardly fair to assume she’s kicking him out for the sake of a bunk up.
many young people can be deeply puritanical about their parents love lives or reach for the thing they know will hurt them the most
the kid is in trouble and needs specialist help. I don’t think the OP is the one to give it to him and she and her daughter deserve to be safe
whatever the reason, likely to be complex, he can’t carry in abusing his mum

I may have missed it. But where is the information suggesting OP did not provide a stable figure in order to facilitate secure attachment in the primary years?

It's not a trick question. It's a genuine question. Where is this exemplified?

Can you and others also explain how mum is supposed to put cherub first when he's physically terrorising her and emotionally abusing her?

Specifically, what is OP supposed to do in the face of a giant cherub abusing her through fear and intimidation?

The more I read this OP, the more examples I see of behaviour associated with a combination of ADHD and /or Autism ( like PDA) with a difficult environmental situation thrown in. A difficult environment situation is almost inevitable for ND teens no matter how amazing a mum you are. Bad luck has added to the mix.

Don't absorb the blame on this thread. It's not fair, it's not right. You can provide love and care from a distance of the violence, intimidation and abusive behavior does not improve. ( With your partner remaining out the house and not mentioned to son).

Nah, kick out the useless adult pos who beats her to a pulp instead

It’s interesting that male on female DA is excused when it’s a son abusing his mum. Then it becomes the mum’s fault even though the son is an adult. Apparently little diddums can’t cope with her having a boyfriend. If this was a man beating his girlfriend I doubt we’d be delving into his childhood and trying to find every excuse. The same excuses for men who beat their partners often abuse their mothers and sisters too - they are one and the same.
It’s abuse and it’s disgusting. There is no excuse, absolutely none. Poor daughter caught in this too. Get a non molestation order against him and call the police if he breaches it.

@CheeseIsMyIdol my kids dad, and in the duration of 18 years 2. My late fiance suddenly passed away, so that’s a grand total of 3 men that how as you so kindly put it have “cycled “ through my life. I’m sure you can appreciate being cheated on and death is not something I planned for my son to suffer from.

@Glowingup thank you for this! It’s very confusing when lots of posts are suggesting I’m an awful mother for not putting up with domestic abuse from my adult son, like you say forget me and my new partner, I have a daughter who I also need to consider.

I am not suggesting that OPs son is likely to do this. But for a bit of context try googling ‘son kills mother’ and see how many hits you get.
you can even try adding a geographical area to narrow it down.
male violence against women counts even if a really unhappy son doing it

@IHate my kids dad, and in the duration of 18 years 2. My late fiance suddenly passed away, so that’s a grand total of 3 men that how as it’s been so kindly put it have “cycled “ through my life. I’m sure you can appreciate being cheated on and death is not something I planned for my son to suffer from.

@Snoken Just to set the record straight with the cruel and judgemental assumption of the many men that have been brought into my sons life it’s 3 in 18 years, therefore all have been serious relationships which sadly didn’t work out and includes my late fiance who died suddenly.
I have provided the best environment for my son and worked so hard to give him the best and make sure he never goes without, and put up with so much because throwing him out breaks me . However when a adult is continuing to emotionally, physically abuse you not to mention the criminal damage to my home and the risk and damage it is causing my 15 year old , I am left with little choice. Please do not make unkind comments that I have traumatised him when you do not have clue what I have had to put up with.

@MsSmartShoes thank you for your kind words of support

@Justlostmybagel thank you it took me months to pluck up the courage to call the police! Enabling him like the previous suggestion is dangerous!