Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

[SunnyQuoter]

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore.
I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun.
I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home.

I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with.
The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless.
I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship.
I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live.
Thank you for reading.

OP, your son is an adult and he's abusing you. You can help him out of your home, but he can't stay with you when you have a 15 y.o. daughter at home.

He doesn't want therapy or is interested in having a job. I understand that as a mother you are in a difficult place bur as an outsider, my concern is for your teenage daughter. Unlike your son, she's a minor and his abusive behaviour could have a serious negative impact on her.

You can’t just request to have someone sectioned. The police or a health care professional need to deem them as requiring to be detained under the mental health act. People are too quick to to blame poor mental health when sometimes a person needs tough love and a firm word. I agree he needs to be kicked out as at the moment he’s probably relying on the fact that he’ll always get another chance.

I think I would kick him out in your situation and not have any thing to do with him until he learns some respect.
He will be exactly the same with a partner or any other woman misfortunate enough to cross his path.

S has had a hard time of it with loss of his sf and being the victim of a knife crime but...that isn't an excuse for violence and lashing out against his mum. Would bereavement counselling help him? Did he get help from victim support it's worth looking into that even some time after the event.
He needs help but away from the home in a possible supported situation, where mum and his sis can visit and be there for him. He obviously is angry and needs to work through it, do you have a male relative he could talk to, bit of mentoring perhaps?
Op should be able to take up with someone new which she has but he will never replace the man he knew but life cannot stop in a vacuum. It's been 2 years and you've done what you can to help.
I bet there are plenty of mners who wouldn't have kept him at home that long with violence and the fact that you have 15 year old d. It's her home too she should be able to feel safe. Some pp seem to have forgotten about her.
It's not easy but you aren't turning your back on him completely, just acknowledging the fact he needs help.
I would continue to see your new partner but keep the relationship a distance from your son. You are entitled to a live too but would probably be best dating and letting your son pace himself with how much he wants involvement with your p.

I was also wondering this, OP. There’s been reference to multiple relationships for which he ‘blames’ you. Has he met and formed relationships with several of your partners? What’s the story there?

My thoughts exactly.

I had to deal with a few mum boyfriends, weird to downright hatred of me for existence. I did not then become like this. So it's not fair to put all this on the OP.

OP - is there any possibility he's ND? Autistic or ADHD? Its important because it changes things slightly.

And I have seen enough stories of boys killing their mums to know that it's not best for OP to wrap up this little cherub in cotton wool. Cautious. slightly detached. with as much love as possible is important.

So you now have a lovely new boyfriend, one of many going by your previous messages you want your son to leave?

Have you sort MH support for your son? Counselling etc? I had a very tough time with my now 19yr old. for about 4years it was drugs, being expelled from school for carrying a knife, violence in and out the house. Arrested, put on a protective order by the police to stop him seeing other troublesome people. Nights in prison, court dates.

My DH wanted to kick him out, but i stood by son, my marriage nearly ended, but my child was no1 always. My younger son also suffered because of it, but we stuck together as family and thankfully came through it.

My son will be 20 in a few months, has a decent job and for the most part is an amazing and caring boy. He looks back now with such bitter regret on what he did. But i would never have turned my back on him or given up on him.

Is he taking any drugs specifically cannabis?

If he is. This will be causing a lot of his symptoms. And depending on how much cannabis he has taken some of his symptoms may be irreversible.

You have to kick him out for your safety and the safety of the rest of your family.

Do it. We don't want to read about him on the news.

It's really not that easy to have someone sectioned - the threshold is incredibly high. The likely result would be that he will be arrested and charged for violent behaviour.

I wonder if he could be persuaded to apply to the armed forces. Many young men with troubles can and do mature and thrive in that environment.

issues with absent dad

The bar is very high for entry. You must regulate your own emotions in the Armed Forces.
They only take the most able

That’s terrible and must have been unbelievably hard for you

She always said if you broke her house rules you’d have to leave. Yes it was terrible had to live in a house with other people (who were all complete assholes for 2 years) but it was character building and the reason I am the person I am today.
This was less than ten years ago so not the dark ages the op doesn’t have to put up with this someone else has the statistics on men killing their own mothers, horrifying stuff

You can ask him to leave - not in a kicking him out and 'don't darken my door again' way, but in a 'I love you but I can't tolerate this kind of behaviour in our home, so I will help you find somewhere else and get you settled', kind of a way.

Your 15-year-old daughter needs to be protected from this. It's a safeguarding concern. If you need any help getting him out and rehoused, that may be the route to go down.

I think the longer you tolerate your son’s behaviour the longer it will go on for, he knows there are no consequences and will therefore continue to behave like this because you allow it. By saying he’ll ruin your relationship he knows he has all the power. Not sure why anyone would put up with this.

His dad dying suddenly and being in a knife attack?! I work with severely mentally ill young people and I can tell you it is very very rarely without a reason

That's what I'm wondering too...

That makes it ok for him to terrorise his mother does it?
🙄

Were any of the different step-father figures he’s had in his life violent to you/him/dd?
What about the most recent one who died - what was the relationship like there between DS and his DSS?

Whether good or bad, DS will have been powerless all his life to control his home circumstances. He’s probably seen you recently very traumatised by death of his DSS. And now you say you and your new BF are “trying to give him a loving family”. 😵‍💫

Your new BF is not your traumatised adult son’s “loving family”. Your traumatised son should already have a loving family (you and DD), which the new boyfriend is not part of I’m afraid

You strike me as someone who perhaps needs to have a partner-figure around, and expects DS to play happy families…. It makes me wonder how many times he’s seen this all before (and what were the disastrous consequences each time).

Not rocket science to see why a traumatised young man who feels buffered around and let down might end up with anger problems.

But chuck him out and move new boyfriend in. That’ll sort it.

Did the encounter with the Police change his behaviour at all?

Nasty posts on here.

If posters care for the well being and outcomes for OP and her son, making her feel ashamed like some pound land slapper is not going to achieve that aim .

OP, you have needs as an adult. You are allowed to have those and seek fulfillment. The absolute best thing you can do here is therefore separate any boyfriend and the home. You keep them out the home, you keep them at a distance for now.

Your boyfriends will care ONLY about accessing sex and whatever things they get from you on a personal level. They don't care about your son or your relationship with him, no matter what guff they give you about this.

This is human nature and we are not much beyond animals in this respect. Your son will ALWAYS be competition and THREAT to your male partners. Always. Please hear this. He instinctively knows this. 🙏

You are entitled to a life. But you will create chaos bringing these two elements together. Keep your private life private for now. It won't be for long.

You don't have to put up with this behavior. I have experienced great trauma, death of a parent in terrible circumstance, mum boyfriend arseholes. I made a choice in the end not to be an abusive fucker.

The ND aspect I've brought up is important. Because, for many, there are significant disadvantages in emotional regulation, organisation of mind and life, thinking style, need for autonomy and challenges receiving direction are typical for many ND boys this age.

It's very relevant in the context of what you describe.

(I'm not interested in any posts replying to me with ' my Autistic son is an angel' ' stop blaming ND on everything '.... anyone with a brain and experience knows this is very relevant and if applicable needs a slightly different approach in case it might be relevant. Only OP knows the answer to this)

Offering help and support with very specific examples are important ( trip to the GP? Private support options? Counseling?)

Then spelling out very clear boundaries such as a no to abusive language ( misogyny for example) and no to threats of and acts of violence.

If the above is not accepted and followed, kindly, you must now leave son. Here is a letter from me declaring you homeless son. You can take that to the Homelessness department at the Council. Here is the location of Homelessness department for the Council. Here is the phone number son. Maybe even, here is £250 for the next week for food. ( If you have it).

Son, here is the nearest Citizens Advice Bureau location for you.

Here is the address for Job centre plus.

Here are the numbers for DWP. You may be eligible for support. Citizens Advice will help you.

All this above in my belief is real love with boundaries. I have and do still observe and had to experience the impact of enabling toxic enmeshment by mothers to sons.

We must do all to direct away from this. Love with boundaries. You aren't an emotional or physical punch bag.

Yeah, real happy.

Toss the son, whose welfare she was responsible for lo these years, into the garbage and move on with the umpteenth man.