Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

139 replies

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:40

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore.
I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun.
I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home.

I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with.
The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless.
I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship.
I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 22:50

Hellenbach · 09/12/2025 21:11

This sounds very challenging to manage, I’d recommend getting support for yourself about child/adolescent on parent violence.
Depending on where you’re based you may be able to access support through this organisation:
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva
This is a complex issue and unfortunately it sounds as though your son’s previous traumatic experiences are contributing to his anger. Your daughter is being exposed to this and will need support too.

Edited

This is really helpful, thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 22:51

Emonade · 09/12/2025 21:05

Do not kick him out and if your partner lives with you kick him out temporarily. I suggest you ring 999 next time it happens and ask them to have him sectioned. He needs support and help

Show quote history

Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 22:52

LargeJugs · 09/12/2025 21:06

You have to protect yourself and your daughter. If that means kicking him out then so be it. He’s an adult, he could step up.

@LargeJugs you are so right, thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 22:54

BananaMilkshake77 · 09/12/2025 20:38

I don't agree that you can't move on and have a partner. Your son is 18 , not 8!

As hard as it would be, your at the point of tough love if youv exhausted all else within the home , he has to go.

@BananaMilkshake77 Exactly! I can hand on heart say I have exhausted all options. And you’re right he’s not a child anymore. Thank you for your help x

OP posts:
Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 22:59

@SunnyQuoter

He blames you for something or everything.

How was your relationship when he was younger?

Cadenza12 · 09/12/2025 23:02

While you could ask him to leave, perhaps you give him a choice? If he wants to stay, he abides by your rules, or he chooses to live elsewhere. Ate you funding his lifestyle? If so cut right back. I wonder if his behaviour has actually improved because there's an adult male on the scene? He's obviously very unhappy, but he's a young adult and there has to be consequences.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 23:03

Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 22:59

@SunnyQuoter

He blames you for something or everything.

How was your relationship when he was younger?

@Blissful40s we have always been close. His dad left before he was born, blames me for having a few relationships that obviously didn’t work. He also has anger towards his dad.

OP posts:
Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 23:21

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 23:03

@Blissful40s we have always been close. His dad left before he was born, blames me for having a few relationships that obviously didn’t work. He also has anger towards his dad.

Show quote history

There’s an underlaying reason why he doing this to you - it’s not because he hates you, he probably loves the bones of you.

It’s not the same I know but when my daughter, 15, kicks off - and can she kick off - it’s really hard not to take it personally but I know there is something going on and I tell her that I know this, so just out with it. What’s making her feel this way? We get there eventually and it’s usually something at school - huge friends issues that she can’t deal with. I do also say to her that she can say if it’s me that’s causing the problem. I can handle it. We then sort it. But, if I don’t do this method then I’d be walking on eggshells - days, weeks maybe - to avoid any spiteful outbursts!

Could you try sitting him down, explaining how he makes you feel, tell him you love him and that he really does need to tell you what’s going on. What’s making him so upset and angry. You may be able to help.

18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 00:19

Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 23:21

There’s an underlaying reason why he doing this to you - it’s not because he hates you, he probably loves the bones of you.

It’s not the same I know but when my daughter, 15, kicks off - and can she kick off - it’s really hard not to take it personally but I know there is something going on and I tell her that I know this, so just out with it. What’s making her feel this way? We get there eventually and it’s usually something at school - huge friends issues that she can’t deal with. I do also say to her that she can say if it’s me that’s causing the problem. I can handle it. We then sort it. But, if I don’t do this method then I’d be walking on eggshells - days, weeks maybe - to avoid any spiteful outbursts!

Could you try sitting him down, explaining how he makes you feel, tell him you love him and that he really does need to tell you what’s going on. What’s making him so upset and angry. You may be able to help.

18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.

Show quote history

@Blissful40s thank you so much for your reply , this really does make sense and I will definitely give it a try. Giving up on him is really something I don’t want to do x

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 00:22

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 19:50

I agree, I can never be happy knowing he isn’t. However he chooses to behave like this , he’s had so much support and help.
No it was a previous partner no direct relationship to my son although he was v fond of him .

Show quote history

How many men have cycled through your son’s life?

OllieJanos · 10/12/2025 00:30

At 16 I was similar, my mum remarried...
I smashed the house up, she had me arrested, you get the picture...
On my 16 birthday she kicked me out... its the best thing she ever did for me and stopped my steady decline in its tracks and I eventually turned my life around.

Take it from someone who knows, tough love is hard medicine to swallow but in the end its the prescription thats needed.

Emonade · 10/12/2025 08:36

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 22:54

@BananaMilkshake77 Exactly! I can hand on heart say I have exhausted all options. And you’re right he’s not a child anymore. Thank you for your help x

Show quote history

he is a child! He is severely traumatised!!!

Justlostmybagel · 10/12/2025 08:39

Emonade · 10/12/2025 08:36

he is a child! He is severely traumatised!!!

Show quote history

He's an adult, who is physically abusing his mother.

Do you know the statistic for sons killing their mothers? You should look them up because they're pretty shocking.

Snoken · 10/12/2025 09:37

SunnyQuoter · 09/12/2025 23:03

@Blissful40s we have always been close. His dad left before he was born, blames me for having a few relationships that obviously didn’t work. He also has anger towards his dad.

Show quote history

I guess he has told you what the issue is, but you are still introducing new men to him so you are not listening to him and now it's probably too late. He is an adult and the damage to your relationship has already been done.

Yellowhollyhocks · 10/12/2025 09:53

'I understand you deserve happiness, but unless your child is ok, I don’t see how you can ever be.'

Why not? Is this a prescription for all mothers? Surely at 18, he's an adult, and an abusive one so OP can let him live his life now, and yes, she can be happy.

Snoken · 10/12/2025 09:56

Yellowhollyhocks · 10/12/2025 09:53

'I understand you deserve happiness, but unless your child is ok, I don’t see how you can ever be.'

Why not? Is this a prescription for all mothers? Surely at 18, he's an adult, and an abusive one so OP can let him live his life now, and yes, she can be happy.

I'm a mother to young adults and for me this is the case. If one of my kids are suffering then I can't detach and be happy either. I care about them and I love them regardless of what age they are. Also, if I had been told by them that the reason they are struggling is because I had brought too many men into their lives I'd be mortified and very, very apologetic.

Divebar2021 · 10/12/2025 09:59

Emonade · 10/12/2025 08:36

he is a child! He is severely traumatised!!!

Show quote history

He’s not a child. There is a 15 year old child in the house and the OP is responsible for ensuring their safety. ( and what’s he traumatised by? ). OP what happened with the criminal damage offence and the police?

Yellowhollyhocks · 10/12/2025 10:00

'18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.'

Ffs, he's an abusive adult. What you are saying is that mothers should put up with abuse because their 'children' need them.

I find your statement abusive to women and dismissive of the pain, suffering and effort she has already made.

Motherhood is often martyrdom by design, but this takes the biscuit!

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 10:05

Emonade · 10/12/2025 08:36

he is a child! He is severely traumatised!!!

Show quote history

@Emonade does not give him to right to purposely be physically abusive to me and his sister and cause criminal damage to my home. Of course i understand he is traumatised which is why for the last 2 years i have done everything I can to support him but he CHOOSES to behave in a way which is destroying our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 10:08

Yellowhollyhocks · 10/12/2025 10:00

'18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.'

Ffs, he's an abusive adult. What you are saying is that mothers should put up with abuse because their 'children' need them.

I find your statement abusive to women and dismissive of the pain, suffering and effort she has already made.

Motherhood is often martyrdom by design, but this takes the biscuit!

@Yellowhollyhocks thank you for this and acknowledging my efforts I appreciate it, it’s been going on for years and I’m at breaking point.

OP posts:
Cornelire · 10/12/2025 10:09

The issue is you have a violent adult living with you so from a safeguarding perspective for your DD, she would probably be the one on the at risk register, I know you don't want that for her. This will be affecting her, seeing her Mother attacked.

He can move into supported accommodation. Reach out to everyone and anyone who may be able to help but he needs to go. He needs to move out. He can do this, he is 18 years old. My friend's DD was moved into supported accommodation for the 3 years she could live there. Now lives in a flat, has a job and this really helped her.

You are parenting out of fear. You are experiencing physical and emotional abuse. It doesn't matter that it is your son doing it. He needs to leave before he does something to permanently alter your physical health. He is relying on you being afraid to have him removed. You have tried, he needs professional help, help him access it by looking at supported accommodation or adults social services. You have every right to refuse to have him live in your house.

Original poster
SunnyQuoter · 10/12/2025 10:11

Divebar2021 · 10/12/2025 09:59

He’s not a child. There is a 15 year old child in the house and the OP is responsible for ensuring their safety. ( and what’s he traumatised by? ). OP what happened with the criminal damage offence and the police?

Show quote history

@Divebar2021 thank you, I had the opportunity to push charges but I do take into account he’s had a awful time (knife crime victim) so I gave him another chance with rules in place which he has already broken after 3 weeks

OP posts:
surreygirly · 10/12/2025 10:18

You have 2 options

1 Kick him out - call the police and say you are not safe wkth him in your home
He needs to learn that actions have consequences
he has been the victim of violence but thinks it is acceptable to subject you to it

2 Let him stay
He will ruin your life and any chance of a loving relationship as no man will want to live with someone like that

surreygirly · 10/12/2025 10:19

Yellowhollyhocks · 10/12/2025 10:00

'18 years old and still in education is too young to give up on him - he needs you.'

Ffs, he's an abusive adult. What you are saying is that mothers should put up with abuse because their 'children' need them.

I find your statement abusive to women and dismissive of the pain, suffering and effort she has already made.

Motherhood is often martyrdom by design, but this takes the biscuit!

100% correct

Luckyingame · 10/12/2025 10:23

That sounds really hard.
I know you have a 15 yo daughter, the only situation I can think about is for you to walk away from it all, together with your daughter. Speaking for myself.
Probably a fairytale, sorry. 💐