Help my 18 year old is destroying my life

[SunnyQuoter]

My 18 year old son is destroying my life, I don’t even want to come home from work anymore.
I live alone with my 15 year old daughter, he previously physically abused me by throwing water bottles at my head, kicking me and pulling my glasses off my face as well as calling me every name under the sun.
I had to call the police a few weeks ago where he was arrested for criminal damage to my home.

I have been single for 2 years after loosing my late partner to sudden death, my son was also a victim of knife crime, i understand he has had a horrific time and for the past 2 years I have dedicated my life to helping him but it made no difference, this abuse was at its peak during throughout, he refuses therapy, he goes into college 7 hrs a week, refuses to get a job and bums around the house or goes out with unsavoury mates who he has previously been arrested with.
The physical abuse and damage to the home has stopped but the mental abuse and constant antagonising is relentless.
I have now met a lovely man and we have done everything to make my son feel part of a loving family but he is intent and he has admitted he will destroy our relationship.
I really don’t want to kick him out but he won’t stop, I just wondered has anyone else experienced this, and did they find a alternative place for their 18 year old to live.
Thank you for reading.

Try therapy and counselling for your son. he has alot of issues inside and it makes him angry.

So sorry I haven't read all your replies, so apologies if you've already answered my questions.
Was your partner his Dad? Did they get on/ live together? m so sorry for your losses either way.

You said he was involved in a knife crime incident aswell. Did he get hurt?

Both these things are so traumatic.

He's so young still and it sounds like you've had an awful couple of years.

What do you say when he hurts you?
Again sorry if you've already answered these ❤

Hi op please ignore the ignorant comments on this thread. Perhaps try counselling for yourself - talking things through with a stranger might help you to make tough decisions. Just a thought as i have no answers. Sending you love and strength.

Some awful comments on here. The OP is a loving mother and has tried to support and care for her son over a long difficult period to no avail. She should not be blamed for the violence and abuse by her son. She is entitled to a life, and the rush to point a finger that she is a loose woman who caused the abuse is revolting. Make on female violence is never ok. She is entitled to a life, she sounds like she has not had it easy in recent years. Plus she has a daughter, a child not an adult like her son, to consider. Because he has not had any real consequences he will carry on. I say tell him to go. Keep an eye on him but he has to go from the home. It might be just what is needed. All the best.

This!! What is wrong with all these weirdos who think no-one should be allowed to have a life of their own until their children are, well how old, 20? 30? 40?

Send him on his way OP and don't have any contact until his behaviour vastly improves.

I think you believe you are being a bad parent if you say enough and he leaves. You are being a good parent by protecting your DD and protecting yourself from someone who is violent. He needs to understand that violence against women no matter who that woman is is abhorrent and that his actions have consequences. Show him the door.

You deserve to be happy and you need support. You seem to have found that in your new partner and that isn't a bad thing.

OP, every airline flight attendant going through the safety check, reminds everyone to put THEIR mask on first, THEN help the person next to them. He's not wanting your help, so put your mask on first and that means making tough decisions. If he gets violent without controls in place to protect your family, then that is your power you've given him. Take your power back and put your mask on first.

@NumbersGuy like this way of looking at it, thank you x

@Cornelire thank you so much for saying this, it means a lot x

@SunnyQuoter As I said above my friend had this with her DD. She wasn't violent but did some very dangerous things which endangered the younger children in the house. It was a very hard decision to have her move out because she felt like she was letting her down but what she was doing was better because qualified people who are trained to deal with this were able to step in.

As part of the supported accommodation there were counsellors who checked in on all the residents, made sure they were paying their bills, had shopped for food and for my friends DD that she was taking her meds. I also think it landed differently for the DD because it wasn't her parents "nagging" her but professionals who could see what she was like off her meds. Plus she could see her behaviour outside the bubble of her own little world. She got better at communicating rather than flying off the handle because she pulled up fast for that attitude.

Speak to his college because they have a lot of resources and may be able to point you in the right direction for help.

Sorry OP. I was the one to raise the idea that we are somewhat led down a path regarding men.

But I can't say that here knowing nothing about your situation.

I hope that you feel more support from people now on here seeing that you are not to blame here. You should not tolerate this nonsense. And yes you are entitled to a life, joy and something beyond mothering a difficult offspring.

Kick him out...he will find supported lodgings (just like that!). So many ill informed comments on here. Sorry OP but I do not think you give up at 18. However on MN the favoured response is to kick them out.

Hrs terrorising her. The description of behaviour is more than a bit of teen angst.

The things he's doing are showing a big problem with empathy right now. I imagine there's much more that OP hasn't gone into.

Let's see how long people on here last, with no other adult figure in the home to support you.

He would be housed. If there's something else there like ND diagnosed, I wonder if that might help.

OP is a victim of DV imo if this behavior is a regular thing.

He would get temp accomodation. It might be the motivation needed.

Did the encounter with the Police change his behaviour at all OP?