My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

When he starts work and something goes wrong is his boss going to be love bombing?

For goodness sake!

Sorry OP it sounds challenging and complex.

I also agree with @Aluna a diagnosis is not a solution. I spent a large part of my career working with young people with special needs and setting clear expectations was vital. We are all different but whatever the needs and challenges, we need to learn to treat others with respect.

1. stop comparing him to your dd.
2. stop rewarding his bad behaviour. Nobody needs haircuts every week much less a grand spent on them at christmas. This is where your going wrong. You have spoilt him.

Ye Gods!

He needs his eyes opened eg taken to help with Christmas dinner for the homeless or the very old; volunteering at charities, churches ( eg our local C of E, Methodists, Salvation Army etc are all appealing for presents for children who will otherwise have nothing at Christmas.)

The latter are always short on gifts for teen boys. He may have some good ideas.

Can you take him shopping to buy some gifts for the above. You never know, a reality check might actually get him thinking.

I agree with this. The friends don't sound great at all, and their parents are doing them no favours either.

Ye Gods!

He needs his eyes opened eg taken to help with Christmas dinner for the homeless or the very old; volunteering at charities, churches ( eg our local C of E, Methodists, Salvation Army etc are all appealing for presents for children who will otherwise have nothing at Christmas.)

The latter are always short on gifts for teen boys. He may have some good ideas.

Can you take him shopping to buy some gifts for the above. You never know, a reality check might actually get him thinking.

Why ....why have u spent £1k on him??? Madness.
Do not spend one more penny until he changes his attitude. Does he need counselling? A gp? A hobby?
Don't ignore your girls it's not fair.
We had a similar but less dramatic situation and had to come up with a plan and stick to it to turn things around. Mostly about rules/consequences/boundaries etc
Maybe try and find a family support worker to give some perspective?
Good luck.x

Be careful in going down a punishment route. I suspect the root causes are stress, feeling unloved and feeling unaccepted. However try to get to the true root causes yourselves rather than fight the symptoms.

@ElizaMulvil - I think volunteering and giving to others at Christmas is a great idea. From being very small, mine helped in little ways with Christmas charities, so that when they were teens it was a way of life to buy and wrap gifts for charity/help out at a centre or whatever. Probably yours are/were the same.
However, I think it's not going to happen with this boy at the moment, because that's going to be too much of a cultural change.

Do you think he feels unloved and unaccepted?

Try to win him back @Wherehaveigonewrong29384 cause if you don’t others will

• start fresh, spend 20 mins a day building the relationship with him (simple chat for whatever he fancies). His father should do the same too
• control the spending
• does he do DofE? Convince him to do it, the volunteering bit will help

similar issues here (ADHD kid, so behaviours are amplified) , the above suggestions helped a lot

Good luck x

This is madness! He's 15. 250 quid on aftershave?
I'm sorry I'll get massively attacked here but you don't get everything you want in life and stuff doesn't make you happy.

Now I know the latter is very upsetting but there we are.

Take the gifts back for a refund.

I’ve had a not dissimilar experience with my DD and we are through (ish) to the other side. What strikes me is that you are trying to make your DS like you - stop and just parent him with love and boundaries.

You don’t seem to have any confidence that he will come back to you , you need to really build on this.

What I would advise is;
-Forget about friends and stuff. Stick to your values and live them. My DDs are well looked after but we are not materialistic so I won’t pander to it. We have lots of - you are too strict , don’t get me enough. Ignore it.

-Being obnoxious is again not a family value so ignore ignore ignore. When you ask him to come for dinner and he says no just say ‘I’m sorry you don’t want to come, we will miss you but you can make your own decision’ Enjoy your meal and what I did was book something I knew DD would love and watch as she pushed against me and missed out. The penny eventually dropped and she realised she was getting in her own way.

This sounds spiteful but missing out on a trip to a city where you fully focus on teen activities will really sting and he’ll think about his attitude.

-Teens are often not great on chores so I didn’t focus on that, but rudeness meant we just didn’t pander to her and she realises relationships are two way things.

In essence I would say stop being so scared of him pushing away and patent according to your values. It’s the only real power you have as teens develop

I should also add that we were in a similar situation where we both started to really dislike our DD and we were undoubtedly showing it.

We had to deal with this ourselves first. Ignoring most of the shitty behaviour and concentrating on parenting well (which involves not just discipline but lots of love too) worked for us and Dd

His circle of friends doesn't sound positive at all - rich, spoilt kids who spend their time shopping and pick on those who don't have expensive things (I can't believe you bought him a £2k bike - as @justgottadoit said, you've lost the plot). Is this the values you want to instill in him and your daughter? I would be limiting his contact with them and doing stuff with him and getting him involved in sports/nature/volunteering etc. He has been truly spoilt (as in you have damaged him) and you and your husband need to wake up and take accountability.

I have a 13 year old ds with undiagnosed (officially) autism. I've had a hell of a year with him, but there were reasons behind this, and we're coming out the other side but he's definitely in full on teenage boy mode! He's also very black and white, which doesn't help.

I've recommended this several times on MN, but it's really helped us. You can self refer to Children's Services (formerly Social Services), they've been really helpful and although he's now been discharged I can get in touch at any time. They can also help with getting all the available help together, and speeding up appointments.

Secondly, this charity may operate in your area. They match the child with a suitable mentor, and this has also been really helpful.

https://www.yellowbrickroadprojects.com/

Also, have school signposted any local charities that could provide counselling? Would your ds think about this? Sometimes having someone completely neutral for them to talk to can be very helpful.

I remember my ds, at his assessment by a local charity that do counselling, telling the lady that I loved him too much and I always want to know where he is, and that I say no to some things his friends are allowed to do. She told him that from what she's seen over a lot of years, that the parent's that care say no, and the ones that couldn't give a shit say yes all the time. And that has kind of stuck with him.

Ok. It’s easy to pile on, less easy to suggest solutions.

I would consider working out goes much money you want to spend on his daily living (clothes, socialising) and give him an allowance. Explain it’s so he learns to budget effectively. It will go up annually as long as three key objectives are met - one for school (no reports) one for home (maybe curfew, sounds like that is achievable) and another which is measurable (not “improve your attitude”). He’ll spend it all and act out at first but you’ll have to hold firm.

Take your DD out of the house as much as possible.

It could be hormones. It could be that all attention is craved including negative attention. It could be hideous manosphere shit. But clamping down isn’t the answer - working out what your boundaries are and keeping to them are the answer. I’m not sure what you want to do about the laundry. In my house the rule is that things are turned around within a week of going in the laundry bin, and if you want it faster you need to do it yourself or have a conversation about it early.

As far as the accusations of favouritism go, root it firmly back to behaviour. “Yes, we are more relaxed around DD. That’s because she doesn’t treat us like something she’s scraped off her shoe”.

He sounds as if he has been spoilt his whole life.

£250 on aftershave for a teenager - that alone is nuts!!

I'm sorry but his friends do not sound at all lovely from what you describe OP (competing on who has the best stuff, leaving people out if they don't, talking about you and your DH behind your backs). Buying more and more expensive things just to keep up with friendship group is a race with no winners.

How sure are you that he’s not getting into any trouble when out with the friends? They all sound like spoiled brats too, and I’d be keeping a really close eye on what pocket money gets spent on, and how quickly those expensive aftershaves are being used to cover up the smell of weed.

Have you tried getting him some therapy? Maybe that will help him with whatever is bothering him.

Most 15 year olds would get just one of those items as a 'main present' and then a few much lower cost ones. Two hundred and fifty quid alone on aftershave is utterly insane.

I think the phrase "more money than sense" applies here.

@DoteycatThat sounds like an excellent strategy.