My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

When you're a kid, and a parent keeps telling you that you're doing everything wrong, you end up thinking they don't love you ... And so you don't trust them ... But your brain isn't developed enough to allow you to trust yourself.

You have to win him back, not just win.

Frankly, I'm alarmed by some of the comments on this thread. Please don't listen to them. The thing that saved my husband when he walked out at 15 is that his dad kept looking for him, never gave up, always wanted to work it out

Go private to get a diagnosis … rather then splashing the cash on material items, get him an ADHD or autism diagnosis or what ever he needs so that he can understand himself and move forward with more appropriate strategies. Strategies that are meaningful to him.

Also three counselling sessions isn’t going to cut the mustard. He needs them fortnightly for months.

Lastly get him some work experience in somewhere like a food bank or other breadline charity.

This. He's obviously not choosing to struggle at school or in his friendship group, so getting to the root of why these issues are occurring is important to help him formulate a way forward.

You’ve never parented a highly sensitive, highly anxious, demand avoidant ND then.

From what you’re saying, I don’t think he’s confident and in-fact is very lacking in confidence.

Also try harder to find small things to compliment him about ‘thanks for locking up last night’ or ‘I like the look of your hair that style’. You need to show him some appreciation somehow.

Yep I’m the despicable one on this thread 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You are.

If he is a highly sensitive and ND, ADHD, PDA, ASD or whatever, he will need an approach which works for his diagnosis.

Mine have been washing their own clothes since they were 12/13, sons and daughter.

He sounds spoiled and like he might need some academic support.
£1k for Christmas is insane, especially under the circumstances. Dial it back, set and enforce boundaries quietly, and stop funding his 15 year old lifestyle.

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

I have parented a highly sensitive (I want my own way) child who would have been very naughty if he had been allowed to lean into that. He certainly tried to avoid my demands!

He would have liked to have laid down the law and made my life miserable as the OP's son has done but he soon discovered-at an early age before any rot set in- that that wasn't going to be an option for him.

I take on board that your child may have had extra problems. The Op has had her son hither and thither and yet, if I;m reading it correctly, no-one has said there is anything medically wrong with him.

I have lived under a controlling bully at a time when I could do nothing about it and I certainly wasn't going to have an embryonic bully in the shape of my own child.

There is only one law in this house-that's mine. It's not an unreasonable law-I'm not Ghengis Khan- but it is my law. We don't run a Mary and William type shared kingdom.

Your situation has worked out well, as has my mine but the OP has allowed a teenager to lay down the law in her house and he has beaten her, her daughter and her husband with it and yet, she still talks about love bombing him.

He is her child, she must do what she thinks is right but my goodness, isn't the whole family paying a high price for it.

I wish her well but, despite his reasonable attitude this evening (albeit still blaming his dad for having the audacity to tell him what to do) I fear it will not all be plain sailing.

You sound like a very intuitive parent.

And parenting nd is not like parenting nt. sensitive or not.

I hate to sound like an idiot, but what is extreme reflection sensitivity? I tried to google it but it didn't have an answer. Is it a sensitivity to light? 🤔

And it goes of for 20 years and it's very boring.

I'm sure that's true but, in this particular case, my experience of parenting is closer to the OP than yours. You have an ND child.

I do not and nor does the OP, despite several attempts to get him diagnosed by professionals.

Posters diagnosing him on the internet does not an ND child make.

I don't know why posters feel that they can give this boy a diagnosis when the professionals have chosen not to do so. So, going by their assessment, this boy needs the law laying down, not medical measures, in order to make him realise that he is not King Dick in the OP's house

😂😂😂😂

Like CAMHS are really going to step up and do an assessment. They do jack all.

Perhaps posters recognise what is happening having been through similar rather than just randomly giving him a diagnosis.

It’s really not the same thing. I am not suggesting you let a child get their own way but it requires a totally different style of parenting. And there is no room for having a an off day or not being on your A game as a parent. It’s exhausting emotionally and never ending.

OP even if he is undiagnosed some of the strategies may help you. Others have offered good suggestions but as I said in my previous post I throughly recommend family therapy with someone who understands neurodiversity - for you in particular to help give you strategies

I think that you will find that most parents have tried just about everything before they see a doctor.

You cannot drum the autism out of an autistic child.

In my daughter's case, she had many concerning traits, and the school senco was involved. I didn't just wake up one day and think I would take her to a doctor.

I believe you but the fact, the fact, remains that the OP's child is not autistic, despite her efforts to attain this.

As you and others have said, parenting an ND child is very different and I accept that. In that case then, there is no point in telling the OP how to parent an ND child, as she does not have one.

An out of control child, a bully who males the whole family miserable needs parenting along the lines that I, and others, have suggested and that does not include pandering, begging and love bombing.

It sounds like a lack of confidence. I agree with trying to get him into a sport, boxing or climbing, or tennis would be good if he's ADHD but it might be too late.
An autism/ADHD assessment and some ongoing private counselling would be far more helpful than CAMHS at this stage. I’d avoid CBT and look for something deeper and more relational, person-centred or psychodynamic would be ideal. Male counsellor.
And yes, volunteering at a food bank is an excellent idea.

Please listen to the poster above you because it just isn't like you think it is.

No one (ok, few) would disagree that healthy discipline is absolutely essential to the household's running, to the parent and to the child itself. But when you have a child with autism / PDA I'm afraid that the functioning within the brain is profoundly different. Same exterior, different engine under the hood. You can't run a diesel on petrol and vice versa. It really is that simple.

If you can't believe it, then ok. Neither did I, nor a lot of other parents, until we were actually in the situation with an autistic child. But while discipline is still essential, how you apply it can be very different and from the outside it looks like it's not there. It is, but it's different.

Seriously, don't judge until you've been in the shoes of an autistic parent. The rulebook gets thrown out.

@Wherehaveigonewrong29384 I'm glad you could talk to him last night. Remember that his brain is rewiring and all sorts of mayhem comes out of that - impulse control problems, perception problems, all sorts. It passes in time, but how you deal with it helps form the final result.

I do believe that healthy boundaries are vital, so is interest in him. But just as vital is time out for you and for your husband and for your daughter. Dealing with a teen like him is .... difficult. (I speak from experience).

OP, could he do some theatre? You said he used to enjoy performing. Maybe it could be a direction…. ?

It sounds really hard. I think you all need support. family therapy or therapy for him with you and his dad also doing parent work could be really helpful. Strangers on the internet are going to hypothesise what’s going on but they aren’t in a position to know. You will need to get this in the private sector. Honestly it can be a game changer - he will have a space where he can talk about what’s bothering him (and something clearly is) and you and your husband will feel less alone with it, and can get some advice that’s informed by what his therapist is observing and what the one doing the parent work with you is observing.

You have my sympathy OP.
You want change in your DS, you have to change first. This includes your DH as well. Also, stop coddling DS. No more transportation, allowance etc. Can your son work a part-time job? Volunteer? He needs a reality check and ffast. Dont give up. This too shall pass.