My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

Is he medicated?

You can’t militarise mental health problems out of someone.

This is exactly what it is. He already is the class clown. He is on report constantly , gets sent to isolation. He has a classroom support plan and a mentor (his head of year) who keeps in constant contact with me .

Its all about self esteem. The more he acts the way he is , the more of a negative response he is going to get from family and school. Making the situation worse. How do I help him?

How is the learning support plan working? Does he co-operate in the HoY mentoring?

He is a monster of your own making, spoiled, entitled and indulged.

This is true, however we don’t know if there is a mental health problem as opposed to a standard behaviour problem.

Ive only read the OPs posts, but perhaps take a look at PDA

My daughter has this, and she really struggled in her teens and was home schooled, but I have a friend who's son was very similar to what you are describing when he was that age, and it was dreadful watching them all going through the mill. He is now alot more in control of his anxieties and emotions, and almost back to an adult version of the lovely young child - but the strive to look good in front of his friends / not stand out by missing out etc, and the way he spoke to them and behaved is so similar.

Learning how to handle PDA, and supporting his independance was crus=cial. As well as some very firm and unwavering complete red lines around violence.

Op I’m in your situation except I have a 16 year old girl and a younger 14 son. This is what is working - slowly- with us

1. Family therapy
2. agreeing with her consequences and letting her know she is in control of the outcome
3. enforcing the consequences no matter how hard
4. accepting that she is not likely to be college ready and that she will have to repeat a yea
5. trying not to respond to her when she’s nasty

If you woul like more detail please dm me and I can give you more specifics

Is PDA a medical condition, a disability?

This is not normal behaviour for a 15 year old though. Or it’s outside the range of normal. So needs investigating.

I asked the pay for Claude.ai this exact question and asked it to use the best evidence it could find - this is what it said in answer to your question: This is such an important shift in perspective - recognizing the self-esteem piece and the vicious cycle he's caught in. You're right that every negative interaction reinforces his view that he's the "problem" and the "loser," which makes him act out more.
Breaking the cycle is incredibly hard but here are some approaches:
1. Find something he can succeed at and feel good about

• The gym/boxing suggestion is excellent - physical activity helps mood, and crucially gives him something he can improve at and feel competent
• Could you frame it as "for his mental health" rather than a consequence or reward?
• Even if he quit football, is there another physical outlet he'd consider?

2. Catch him doing things right (even tiny things)

• This feels impossible when you're exhausted and hypervigilant, I know
• But one genuine "thanks for doing that" or noticing something positive can matter more than you think
• Not praise for the sake of it, but genuine acknowledgment

3. Pick your battles ruthlessly

• You can't fight on every front when everyone's already depleted
• School behavior might need to be their problem to manage for now
• At home, what are the absolute non-negotiables vs. what could you let slide temporarily?

4. One-on-one time without conflict

• This seems laughable given where things are, but is there any activity where it's just you and him, doing something neutral?
• Even a car ride to pick something up where you don't talk about problems
• These moments can't happen if every interaction is about what he's doing wrong

5. Address the "black sheep" dynamic explicitly

• The comparison with his sister is toxic for everyone
• Could you acknowledge to him (calmly, when things aren't heated) that you see he's struggling and you want to help, not punish?

6. The material things issue

• This is tricky because you're right not to just buy him everything
• But could there be a middle ground? Like he does X chores/shows X improvement and earns toward something he wants?
• Gives him some control and a path to feeling less "less than" his friends

7. Reframe for yourself

• Instead of "he's being horrible," try "he's struggling and expressing it badly"
• This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it might help you respond with less anger
• He feeds off your emotional reactions

The really hard truth: He needs to feel that someone believes in him and sees good in him. Right now it sounds like he feels everyone has given up on him (even if that's not true). That's a terrifying place for a 15-year-old to be. At the CAMHS appointment on Dec 11th:

• Share this self-esteem insight
• Ask specifically: "What can we do to help him feel competent at something?"
• Request family therapy to help repair relationships, not just fix him
• Ask about whether his anxiety manifests as anger and what that treatment looks like

This won't turn around overnight. But if you can find even one area where he feels successful and valued, that could be the thread to pull on. How does this land? What feels doable vs. impossible right now?

The bike situation and some of how your son acts sounds so similar to my 14 year old, like always arguing back and just walking off. Especially school and at home where there are rules. There is a book that’s been helping me understand some of it is normal teenage boy behaviour - get out of my life but first take me & Alex into town. I’ve been really appreciating that some it is just a developmental stage they go through. It doesn’t really change my boundaries or reactions but it’s certainly made me calmer about the situation.

Go to school both of you. Get a firm, boundaried plan in place.
Get a cleaner ( short term) Stop pandering to this young person. Teach him some basics like how to do washing.
Stop the 1k Christmas immediately.

They get brought new expensive things on a weekly basis , go to town shopping for new trainers, clothes that cost hundreds of pounds. Thousands of pounds spent on sporting equipment

Utterly sickening tbh.

Very helpful.

Could I also suggest the OP hotfoots to to a local tattoo parlour and has MUG STAMP HERE put on her forehead, so that her dear son is in absolutely no danger of doubting his role in the family.

How does that land?

@OneBookTooMany Which one is the adult and which the child I wonder?

Narc, toxic, ADHD, PDA, sexually abused. On and on it goes.

Agreed! Just one of the expensive gifts quoted by the OP is sufficient (with a box of chocolates and some socks thrown in!). I'm sure he also has plenty of presents from family, godparents and friends as well.

I mean, I'm speechless at four lots of aftershave..... he's 15; how often is he actually shaving, FFS?!

I know. What ever happened to words and phrases like: rude; pain in the arse; naughty; out of control or even cheeky wee shite.

This still doesn’t make it a mental health problem.

I agree the OP and family probably need professional help at this stage, as I suggested up thread - if the OP believes there is an undiagnosed “something” then the best present she can buy her son for Christmas is access to a decent adolescent psychiatrist to confirm or not the suggestions around ADHD and Autism.

Not every bit of bad behaviour is a mental health problem. Sometimes people just behave like arseholes and pathologising that behaviour helps nobody and requires a different approach.

My husband left home when he was 15. Living in a village. Constant rows at home. Took his dad 3 months to find him. He didn't even particularly get himself into any trouble.

I'm a teacher and I meet lads like this all the time. The best way I've been able to work it out (because there's only so many times I want to be told to fuck off by an irate teenager) is to avoid all command language. I say please and thank you. I apologise when I've upset them (because I'm the adult in the room). I pretend I'm coated in Teflon (water off a duck's back). Every interaction is a fresh start, a new page, clean slate, etc. In a way it's like dealing with a rescue dog (I've had plenty of those). I just recognise that they're reactive for whatever reason and then I try to make sure I don't put them in situations that they can't cope with.

It's incredibly easy for a young person to feel completely cornered. And the adults around them to feel totally overwhelmed. As far as I can make out from reading the posts, the lad can't get anything right anywhere so what's the point in him cooperating. He probably thinks everyone hates him. Things can seem very black and white when you're 15 drowning in testosterone and adrenaline.

In short, it's not your fault but it's likely not his fault either. Family therapy could be a good starting point.

Incidentally, turned out my husband grew up into a fiercely intelligent man and a great father.

I really feel for you, you sound so exhausted.

I have a few thoughts on various things you have said, I hope to be of some help:

He was being very rude to us about washing his clothes because they werent done on time so husband told him from now on he can do his own washing to ensure its done etc. This makes us the worse parents in the world and he accuses us of neglect!! He has even threatened to tell school we are neglecting him.

Child trying to report their parents for imagined neglect is a story as old as time. You know, without any doubt, that telling him to wash his own clothes is not neglect, yes? So what if he goes ahead and tries to report you for this? School/Social Services/the police may have a cursory look at it and will decide that there’s no case to answer. He trained you that you have to wash his clothes “or else,” but his “or else” isn’t anything to actually worry about. Go ahead and tell him that you’re happy to show him how to wash and dry his own clothes, and whether or not he takes you up on the offer, you will cease to do it, and follow through. If he strops, so what, it’s just another Tuesday. If he reports you, it’ll come to nothing, and at the end of the day if he wants clean clothes he will need to wash them himself.

He has discussed us with his friends and according to him they all think we dont get him enough stuff, we are too strict.

This is another tale as old as time. “But Muuuuum! All the other kids have one!”. Your job as parents is to say “That’s nice dear. If you want one, you’ll need to get a Saturday job and save up to buy it for yourself.” And then weather the incoming storm, because guess what, it’s just another Tuesday.

His friends all come from middle class families who spoil them rotten. Its almost like they all compete against each other who can have the most expensive stuff first. They change hobbies all the time then we have to provide all the items for that so he can join in with them, then after 6 months and thousands of pounds they move on to something else! Its exhausting!

So get off the merry-go-round. You’re never going to win a prize for him having the most expensive one first, so buy second hand, delay buying until the new hobby looks to be lasting for at least 5 minutes and until he shows that he will look after the second hand stuff properly, buy cheap brands, and if he wants an upgrade, he will need to earn the money to upgrade. “Son, we will buy you £250 of sports/hobby gear in 2026. When that money has run out, there will be no more from us. If you want to spend more, you’ll need to earn more.” AND STICK TO IT. Oh, he’s going to throw a strop? So what, it’s just Tuesday.

The friendship group, we did it because he would he left out without the items and they go off without him . He then becomes very upset and depressed. Difficult situation.

Give him the means to earn the basic gear he needs to do the new hobby. Paid chores, or help him find a Saturday job. If he doesn’t want to earn them, let him sit with his disappointment. You give him an offer of a way out of it (earn the money), but you don’t fix anything by buying him all the tat he wants because otherwise he’ll be angry or upset or depressed. That’s going to be a tough lesson for him to unlearn, but a very important one. Stropping doesn’t work.

Xmas - not justifying but items quickly add up.
He has a second hand phone £300
New nike trainers £175
New fishing set up , £200
4 x aftershave £250
Beats headphones £99

One of those would be the main present in my household! Neither of your children need this much stuff, and it's contributing to his lack of care about the value of things. He needs trainers, but he can have Sports Direct £50 trainers. He doesn’t need FOUR aftershaves!

Demonising him and emotional detachment will only end in more misery and conflicts.

My sympathies to you. My ds is now 28 and I had dreadful worries with him as a teen. Now he is married, owns a home, a good job and good friends. His problems weren’t as extreme as your son’s, but I remember the feelings of frustration and rage. Here is my take-ignore it if you like.

Try to bring some calm into the house. Try to react calmly-and get your dh to do the same. No ranting at him, trying to make him feel grateful or telling him what a problem he is. If he feels defensive and ashamed he won’t respond in a good way. Please don’t go on at him about things you’ve bought him-that was your choice to do that. You don’t need to get him very expensive things. If he queries it, tell him you are a bit fed up of buying stuff which is neglected and ruined-but do it calmly. Tell him it’s not getting at him as a person, but you can’t afford to waste money like that.

Does he have an allowance? Is he allowed to spend it any way he sees fit? Mine got a monthly allowance but if they spent it in the first week, that was it. My ds lived on it but dd wanted more money so she got a job. Don’t give him everything he wants.

Dont ‘force’ him to do chores. Ignore it if he doesn’t help. Just for a period to diffuse tension and have no rows. But suggest to him after that if he would like to contribute, it would be very helpful. Agree what to do with his room. You can still have boundaries-I told my dd that cleaning her room was her job-she didn’t have to do it to my standard but non negotiables included eating in her room dirty cups left. If he won’t help or do anything, then tell him the lifts won’t be done-because you’re a team who help each other and he isn’t pulling his weight.

Ask him what he wants? Tell him you’d like to hear his suggestions on how family/home life could be better. Tell him calmly, you’re cutting him some slack because of his age but you’d like ideas on how you could all be happier. If he gets angry, then say you’ll drop the subject but at the moment you all need to live together-and that he needs to talk to his family with respect even if he doesn’t like his family.

Work with the school-they will have dealt with troubled kids before. Press on with Cahms-can you afford private? Are you sure he doesn’t have a ND condition? His friends may be great but from what you say they’re all a bit spoilt with money thrown at them. Hopefully he’ll grow out of it-it took going to uni for my son to realise how bad some people have it and he acknowledged how privileged he was-not money wise but a house where he was loved and safe.

Did you have a look at the link I posted?
My dd was so so similar in every respect and this helped.
NVR.
Its a tool for parents that works.
Being abusive and calling him a little shit and spoilt does not. ( I know you aren't i mean other posters).
Plus, we are where we are now, or you are, and you need to move forward now and make some serious changes. For his sake and everyone else's.
But the changes start with you.

That's really interesting and I hadn't heard of low-demand parenting till now <adds to list of things to look up / check / hope will help>. I'm sorry you had / are having such a tough time, thanks for sharing your insight. 🙏