13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Firstly I am very sorry this has happened, she is so young and by the sound of it so so vulnerable. More importantly though you need to try to calm down or you really will destroy your relationship with her forever. She is hurt by your reaction, and you have let her down. She confided this in you...and you went mad at her and told her it would change your relationship...how? In reality how does it change your relationship? You are dissapointed, devastated etc naturally, but it shouldn't change a thing between the two of you.
She's on the pill so pregnancy is unlikely even though you seem to be certain she will be pregnant (if she is then you deal with that with a level head, get support and information and guide and support your daughter regarding choices)
For now you need to apologise to her, tell her you over-reacted, its just shes young, still your little girl, you love her very much, your relationship means everything to you and you are sorry it was just such a shock and you do feel dissapointed but it absolutely does not change your relationship. You explain calmly about the risks of STI's, pregnancy etc
You then book in to get her an STI test and a pregnancy test if there are any signs like late period.
Do not let this ruin your relationship, she is vulnerable as it is, she needs you. She is only 13 it is a massive shock to you, and again I am so sorry that you are going through this. She is a child, she very much needs her mother right now. In her eyes she is grown up and knows it all (reminded we were *mostly all the same at that age in regard to "hating" parents, making our own decisions thinking we knew everything etc)
She is not the first for this to happen to, and she unfortunately will not be the last. You need to be her support right now.
I don't understand the comment about wanting to leave and debt...you want to leave the family home because your daughter made a mistake that thousands and thousands of others have made and in reality in the long run is very unlikely to have any affect on her aside from maybe some regret of it as a distant memory in years to come.
And I just want to add being skinny doesnt solve problems, being skinny doesn't mean you wont have body image or confidence issues, just as being fat doesn't make you unhappy, horrible, less worthy etc.

Would you care as much if she was a boy? You sound very self absorbed and shaming.

Busy thread keeps that dodgy thread title in active.

Why is her virginity your business anyway.

Wth?? Because 13 is way too young to be having sex and raises alarm bells. Especially in a child with mental health problems.

The OP handled it abysmally and has potentially damaged the relationship. But it is also worrying that this 13 year-old is having sex, and if it was my daughter, I would wonder where things had gone wrong. Both things can be true.

This. For what it's worth, I lost my virginity when I and my then-boyfriend were both underage. My mum took me to get the pill after I told her.

Hmm not sure how you back track from this. What your daughter needed in that moment was firstly some understanding. This doesn't sound like it was a great first sexual experience for her. Secondly some problem solving- was she taking the pill daily? Or has she missed one, been sick etc. After these discussions, there is time to reflect about if she feels this was the right thing for her to discuss the pros and cons/ dangers.
She didn't need you blowing your top, cancelling the weekend etc.
Her reaction, saying you don't have a relationship, is a reaction to your reaction.
Try to build some bridges with her, start again. Put yourself in her shoes, if you were her, and had finally confided in an adult, what would be most helpful?
I know it seems like the end of the world, but it isn't. Use it as a learning experience and be the person she can rely on, no matter what. No more talk (threats) of this changing your relationship, of walking away etc. She is your daughter and you clearly love her. It might be good to seek some help for yourself, it sounds like you have been underva great deal of stress for some time.

You sound like you have acute anxiety OP, and are letting your emotions control your words and actions.
Take her to the doctor to be examined, and discuss the best birth control for her age.

Try to ignore her hating you, it will pass.

Stop being such a bloody drama llama. It’s not ideal but also not the end of the world. Stop making this worse than it is and be a good mother to your daughter.
Also not sure what her being “slim” has to do with anything?

She's so young and that's why she told you.
It's not ideal but being a teenager is messy and complex.She needs you and there's no reason for your relationship to change.Focus on arranging fail safe contraception, check for Std's and move forward.

Exactly this

My thoughts exactly……

Exactly! Her 13 year old daughter`s virginity is her business.

Roman times FFS 😂😂😂 What a lame argument/example

Lame? Are you 12 years of age? 😅

Are you 13 as well OP? Because an actual adult doesn't talk about their child in the way you have. To be honest I'd think it was vile if my 12 year old son was talking about someone in the was you talk about your daughter in your post. Yes it's a bad situation, yes it should not have happened, yes there are questions about consent and rape, but for now it's happened and you need your daughter to know you will support her with what comes next. Especially if she were pregnant. If you talk about her like you do here, she will know you think she's scum and make sure you don't ever know anything that's happening in her life again, and probably run even further into the arms of this or other older men who don't treat her like scum.

This is so funny 😭😂😂😂

Try not to make your relationship be dependent on her virginity. She's still lovely. You're still her mum.

Let her know that you might not be overjoyed, but ... you are always there for her. This isn't a great time for her to feel alone/vulnerable/shame.

If it were me, I'd want some serious parenting advice/counselling.

(Nb, I had sex at 12/13, without my parents knowing. And had MH/OD tendencies. Often hated my mum too. Things turned out fine :-) Like, really really more than fine, top grades, emotionally stable. And am really really close with my parents. Stick with her :-) )

yes, I thought this , its rather male thinking

To be fair talking about virginity belongs in the roman times.

Yes I am, and therefore will be looking to have my first child next year. If it’s good enough for the Romans eh?! 😂

I read this as bullshit no mother can be this mental.
And im sure ive read very similar thread a few months ago.

However if it was or is true i would be greatful my daughter came to me about it (although id want to give her slap) but id bite my lip and make sure she knows im her for her.
Then id go and punch a pillow.

The sole point of me pointing out the irony to the original poster I responded to is lost on you, unsurprisingly.

What is? Surely you can grasp that I was trying to point out to the original poster I responded to that actually, it’s not just OPs daughter who has invented having sex at 13 with all the ‘didn’t use to happen’ BS. I was using, quite a long term, example to prove it definitely did use to happen.

(I’m not encouraging sex at 13, to be clear. Just that she shouldn’t be vilified).

I’m going to guess that given the situation the OP finds herself in with her DD, she’s not going to seek any comfort in the idea that you think that 13 year old Roman girls had babies.

But my comment wasn’t to the OP, was it?
Do you think she’s going to find comfort in your ableist language?