13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I hope you read this OP.

By getting so angry, outwardly, you have essentially emotionally abandoned your fragile daughter at a very confusing and nerve wracking stage in her life.

Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion

She said that to appease you and to mitigate your anger. She feels like she's on her own otherwise.

I told her this is going to complete change our relationship

Again, that's you emotionally abandoning her. Punishing her out of anger. That's such a shitty thing to say. You might as well have told her you don't love her anymore.

If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away

I'm sorry what?????

I think part of your daughter's problem is you OP.

How you handle this will determine your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your lives.

Treat her with anger and judgement, or try and shame her and she'll never open up to you. She'll never trust you. She'll become secretive and do her damndest to become independent and get-away from home as soon as she is able.

I was that kid.

You need to seriously chill the fuck out and stop making it about you! She is on the pill so hardly likely to be pregnant! Try to make amends with your daughter and hope that you haven’t destroyed her trust in you!

This.
I have a feeling the daughter is going to be talking about her relationship with her mother in therapy sessions in her 30s.

OP this response is still making it about you.

I am really sorry you are in this situation. I would be devastated too, and I genuinely do understand your distress.

But you HAVE to act firstly as parent here.

Above all, telling her having an abortion will change your relationship is seriously manipulative and will only drive her away - which is the worst possible thing for her at this time.

You are not going to like me saying this, but I have to wonder if you are not part of her MH issues. Your responses, while understandable, are the ones we normally work to brush aside so we can focus on the child. At the very least you need to calm down and react in a way that puts her needs at this time first, but I suspect you may need help with this and I think counselling would be excellent - for you both.

This is a critical juncture on your parenting. I am sorry you are going through this; you sound genuinely loving and concerned and a good person, but I do think you may need help navigating this.

You have dealt with this awfully imo. That’s really all I have to say on this. The only one tearing the family apart right now is you.

This child desperately needs love and support right now op.

That doesn't mean you can't have an opinion, but you cannot judge, chastise and guilt trip her in this way when she is needing parenting.

Please, please side-line your feelings for now and give it.

The whole "wanting him to see the devastation he has caused" thing just underlines how little you understand these two immature children.

Because trust me, no teen on earth is attuned to "the devastation he has caused" for doing something his hormones are screaming for and which hasn't caused any apparent harm.

Yes, what's happened is awful for you.

But unless you SERIOUSLY step back and think about your behaviour, you will lose any opportunity to have an influence on your daughter.

You sound like an absolute mentalist. Reminds me of my mam when I was a teenager, and I don’t talk to her now.

out of interest, @Completelydevastated are you American?

Or did you use chatgpt to write your op?

Yes op, she is vulnerable.

You need to get professional help managing your response to this.

Also, she is very unlikely to be pregnant if she is on the pill.
I get you being upset as she is too young to be having sex and the whole situation is not great, however it is done now. Be there for your daughter and support her.
Your daughter will never ever open up to you again now, this is quite a shocking read.

Oh gosh, I can understand why you are devastated. I think you need to put all of your efforts into restoring your relationship at this point - the extremity of your reaction may mean that in future she will keep secrets from you for a quiet life. Equally, be very careful about banning her from seeing him. Again, she's more likely to sneak around. You can't stop teenagers having sex, but you can have supportive and open conversations about the risks involved. I'm truly sorry you're having to navigate this at such a young age.

This op.

But seek help to do it.

Wow. I'm glad you're not my mother.

Insinuating that you’d walk away over this and debt is the only reason why you aren’t doing this is worrying. Insinuating that she is to blame for your debt is also worrying. She is 13 - she hasn’t got herself into some sort of dire financial situation you’ve had to pay to get her out of. If you are in debt “because of her” it is things that you have either chosen to spend money on, or necessities for her which are your responsibility to provide.

As for the main topic at hand, I don’t blame you for being saddened and worried by it. However, it doesn’t make her some god awful person. It may mean she is vulnerable or it may mean that she thinks what every teenager does - that they’re a lot more mature and wise than they actually are. Either way, she needs support, not abandonment!

Wow... I really feel for this girl!

I can feel your devastation through your post - but honestly there are so many red flags here. I can’t believe your opening paragraph about your dd being slim etc- what on earth are you thinking using these terms to describe a child. This point of view is so damaging. Also ‘spoil her fun’???? No 13yo needs a boyfriend and you should have stopped her seeing him straight away. I find this shocking! No way in hell would I entertain my 13yo having any kind of romantic relationship; even if it was only holding hands. No way on earth. You sound quite mad! Where are the boundaries??? Doesn’t sound like there are any. What are you really teaching her with all of this? Poor self image and that these things are ok. She is not old enough, not responsible enough, and even if she was wise for her years - which she isn’t - she is an incredibly vulnerable person. You need to pull it all back together asap and put some strict boundaries in place. This isn’t spoiling her fun - it’s keeping her safe and protecting her.

I can’t post right now, but I don’t need to because this is exactly what I was going to say! xx

The more I reread this. The more I'm wondering who is the one with the mental health issues..

Jesus Christ.

This is a perfect example of what not to do.

Op is clearly having trouble managing her emotions round it - which is why I think she is actually very concerned and devastated for her dd deep down, even though her phrasing focuses on herself. But that is going to make things worse, and this situation, badly handled, could give any child MH issues without that background already being there and a parent imploding over the top of that.

Why would this completely change your relationship with her? And what has she done to your family that's so terrible?

I can completely see why you'd hit the roof when she first told you, but surely you take a few hours to calm down and realise it's not the end of the world? She's done a stupid thing, like teenagers do sometimes, and she's told you about it, which means she trusts you to help her. Fair enough, read her the riot act, but after that, reassure her that everything will be fine, which it will. Cut the drama, she's the teenager, not you.

I haven't RTFT but have you actually asked her whether it was 100% consensual and planned? At 13 consent is a very blurry line anyway. My sister lost her virginity at 14 but didn't tell me until her 40s that her boyfriend at the time had actually raped her.

OP, with kindness, you need to get a grip! You have not handled this at all well and have alienated you poor DD.

Many years ago I discovered my daughter who also had very low self esteem and was self harming had sex at a party with a 16 year old boy a week before her 14th birthday. No contraception whatsoever was used but she and her best friend had gone and got the morning after pill the next day. I found the packet in the bin which was the only reason I knew what had happened.

Obviously I was upset for her and raging at the older boy, but I asked her about what had happened and she said she had consented but she hadn't enjoyed the sex and was really sorry she'd done it and was in no rush to repeat it. At her insistence I never took this any further in regards to the boy. We agreed that when she was in a relationship and wanted to have sex that she would come to me and we'd discuss contraceptive options. When she was 16 she did just that.

Banging on about losing her virginity is helping no one and has driven your daughter away. It is not a catastrophe unless you make it one with your over dramatic reaction. Apologise to your daughter as soon as possible. She is on the pill and highly unlikely to be pregnant. Stop obsessing about that and please try and be calm and rational. Oddly enough she is unlikely to be damaged for life because of this, but your relationship with her may well be unless you calm down and bite your tongue.

My daughter is now 33 happily married and in a really good job. That unfortunate behaviour at 13 did not shape her future and neither need it shape your daughter's.

Please and see this all from her point of view. This really isn't about you.